Archive for man-eater

Dine ’n Dash Dinosaur

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 22, 2019 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wyvern

The ink blot-sized coastal town of Beaver Mills is located in Alaska, due north of the Arctic Circle. This suggests they have the coldest beer on Earth. It also means the sun doesn’t set for the summer solstice (sorry, vampires). And that means the ice caps are melting, releasing the Jurassic contents therein.

Wyvern

A flying lizard dragon known as the Wyvern (dumb name) thaws out and is expectedly peckish. Time for some take out — a fisherman, the town doctor, a redneck… It’s okay to eat junk food every once in a while — just remember to floss.

Wyvern

Once the town’s screaming citizens find out they’re on the Wyvern’s fresh sheet, it’s time to change their soiled britches and make a plan to kill the beast, which has been killing/eating everyone out in the woods, on the highway, and hiding in laughably ironic restaurants.

Wyvern

Someone discovers the Wyvern has laid eggs in the woods and the plan is to use them as bait to murder the all-you-can-eat monster. A showdown between a diesel truck outfitted with Wyvern omelettes and the mad-flapping creature ends in the end of all things prehistoric and 18-wheels.

Wyvern

Wyvern (2009), part of the Man-Eater series, has all the formulaic elements required for a sub-budget SyFy™ Channel time-waster: cliched characters with guns going off left and right, collateral damage and a poorly designed/digitally rendered monster that looks more suited to a video game from 1985 than a TV screen. And while there’s a couple of good gore scenes (bye-bye, arm, head, leg), this thing belongs back in the freezer.

Talk To The Croc

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , on April 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Croc

A yacht-sized saltwater crocodile is eating people who work, live and marinate in the filthy Thailand waterways. That is a complete sentence.

Everybody blames an escapee from Jack McQuade’s Super Fun Crocodile Farm. But the clues – half-eaten human pot pies – are so obvious as to be embarrassing: giant carnivorous turtles! (It’s a theory I’ve been working on since the opening credits.)

Croc

Joining the hunt for the people-eater is Hawkins, a grizzled big game hunter, who wants nothing more than a fresh pair of alligator boots. Hard to find the monster, though, as it ends up in back yard swimming pools (don’t dive head first, try cannonballing) and under stylish shacks built out over the river (makes mopping way easier).

Croc

The trail of happiness leads to the croc’s cave-y lair, where it has stashed a hot chick everybody’s been looking for. That’s prudent planning – store food instead of eating it all at once. I’ll have to remember that.

Croc

The final scene finds Jack with his leg stuck in the crocodile’s mouth. He could get free if only the monster would just chomp a little harder. But there’s a really funny reason it didn’t. And it had nothing to do with the crocodile being made out of rubber and plastic, though that would explain a lot.

Croc (2007) is mildly amusing. Some real blood, some fake blood, some bloody stump sandwiches. Why do movies like this always make me hungry?