NASA Cover-ups, Prank Time Travel, Vampire Trackers

Been thinking of new inventions that would make me a multi-thousandaire (just a few tax brackets away from being a multi-millionaire). I came up with The Lid Loosener™ (possibly already invented under the name of “can opener.” Not a very zingy marketing name.), Mouth Broom™ (same as a toothbrush, but with crazy larger bristles), and the Mud-Flinger™, a new kind of pooper scooper, one that employs catapult technologies to rid one’s lawn of animal “pebbles from heaven” souvenirs.

But the one I firmly believe will get me an in-ground swimming pool with all the trimmings (long hose, case of artificial food coloring, water), is my latest get-rich-right-now scheme: NASA Cover-ups™ — blacked out government UFO documents you can use to mask flying saucer-shaped table stains and/or use to put your refreshing adult beverages on to keep from staining the aforementioned Ikea™ table with one leg longer than the others.

Until I’m able to secure a patent number (or “No.”), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not enrich your pool or wallet…

PSYCHOTIC! (January 26, 2018)
“This suspenseful psychedelic slasher follows a group of hard-partying Brooklyn hipsters as they’re stalked and savagely murdered by a masked maniac known as the Bushwick Party Killer. It’s up to struggling artists Tim and Stuart to figure out who keeps killing the life of the party.”

Hard-partying hipsters? Does that mean they drink three Zimas™ instead of two before passing out at a Rave? Comb their mall styled hair in an opposing direction? Use trendy/trending swear words they found on the Internet? Probably all of the above.

ALTERED CARBON (February 2, 2018/Netflix™)
“Altered Carbon is an intriguing story of murder, love, sex, and betrayal, set more than 300 years in the future. Society has been transformed by new technology: consciousness can be digitized; human bodies are interchangeable; death is no longer permanent.”

I wish my carbon to be altered as soon as future science is able. I’d transfer my digital leavings into a WWE wrestler husk host and recycle my former skin bag in the toilet/garbage disposal/neighbor’s yard (see “Mud-Flinger™”)

CURVATURE (February 23, 2018)
“A scientist must break into a top-secret facility in order to travel back in time and prevent a murder after receiving a mysterious phone call from herself.”

If it was me, I’d probably make a crank phone call to myself. (No doubt I’d fall for it, too.) Still, wish I could travel back in time, though. Two things would happen — I’d never have to wash my pants. That, and I’d be able to re-drink the same refreshing adult beverage over and over without paying for it more than once. Traveling through time is sweet.

THE WANDERERS: QUEST OF THE DEMON HUNTER (March, 2018/UK)
“Experienced vampire hunter Louis Moudon and his companion, a journalist, arrive in an isolated village in Transylvania to investigate the mystery surrounding a strange event. Along with their guide, young local Sorana, and the reality show team, they will find out that the villagers are experiencing a terrible dread. Louis will soon have to face a totally surprising discovery.”

The title is too long. Tried saying it out loud and my tongue got tired halfway through and just hung out of my mouth like a piece of pre-sliced bologna. If I was an experienced vampire hunter (oh, wait — I am), I’d insist on changing the movie’s title to In The NECK of Time.

Death Notes, Punk Rock, Bigfoot, The X-Files

YouTube™ is such a glorious wasteland of video treasures. Why, if it weren’t for YT, I’d have never known about all those alien bases and artifacts on the Moon. And all those haunted house “documentaries”? Yep, full of real ghosts that you can talk to.

Don’t get me started on all the Bigfoot videos, though. I love seeing my favorite furry friend on TV (I don’t go into the woods — too many icky bugs live there), but people, you need to give him a break. The poor guy can’t even scratch his swimsuit area and smelling his fingers without someone filming it and uploading the footage for the entire world to see. Embarrassing doesn’t begin to decribe the blatant invasion of privacy.

Speaking of things that should or shouldn’t be seen, here’s some upcoming horror vids to full your tube with…

BEACH MASSACRE AT KILL DEVIL HILLS (2017/summer)
“When Stacy’s abusive ex-husband Jason gets out of prison, she decides to take their daughter Lizzie and her four best friends to her parents beach house. Soon their peaceful plans turn into a nightmare. Who will survive the night?”

Extremely clunky title. How dare they do this to me/you/us/they? And Lizzie has four best friends? Probably not for long by the looks of the movie’s ad poster.

THE RANGER (2017/2018)
“A group of teen punks who get in trouble with the cops. The punks escape to the woods to hide out where they come up against the local authority, an unhinged park ranger with an axe to grind, hell-bent on preserving the serenity of his forest.”

Punk rockers in the woods? Dumb maneuver — if they would’ve gone to the mall, they’d blend in and basically become invisible. Who knew Hot Topics™ could be good for something other than dressing teens in over-priced Goth crap?

DEATH NOTE: LIGHT UP THE NEW WORLD (2017)
“Set ten years after the events of the previous films, society is afflicted with cyber-terrorism and six different Death Notes have fallen to the human world. In the midst of this two new individuals inherit the DNA of Light Yagami and L, both of who play a deadly game of cat-and-mouse once again.”

This actually came out in Japan in October of 2016, but we’re still waiting for it to knock on our video doors. Maybe it already has. I’ve been busy and didn’t really double-check. I’ve seen the first Death Note (2006) movie; Pretty wild stuff. It revolves around a book that, when someone scribbles a name in it, that person becomes scribbled…to death. While it plays more like a crime mystery, there’s a really freaky punk glam creature that only the holder of the Death Note book can see, who floats around you while you’re trying to grocery shop and/or planning on who to scribble next.

THE X-FILES (2018)
Agents Muldar and Scully are back for another season (#11) — 10 episodes instead of the six we got last year, which had to cram in way too much stuff to catch everybody up to speed, thereby making that season a hot mess. Still, I’m a huge X-Files fan and am giddy at the thought of another season. I hope they add more flying saucers — those things are cool.

That Damned Queen

The sequel to Interview with a Vampire (1994), in Queen of the Damned (2002), egotistical, vamped neck-licker Lestat has been laying in state for 200 years, and is woken by a strange, intoxicating sound. I guessed elephant farts, but was way off. It was the sound of heavy metal, which at times is almost the same.

Rising from his grave, Lestat, already looking like a Hot Topic™ Goth poseur, all pasty and white with mall-purchased plastic fangs, joins a band and becomes world famous, outwardly bragging about his vampire heritage. This, as you could’ve guessed, makes all the other vampires who have been trying to keep things on the down low, quite upset with tummy aches.

Besides music critics, Akasha, Queen of the Vampires (her name sounds like organic cereal), is also given a wake-up call, and resurrects herself to have Lestat be her king. She’s hot, so hey, why not? Meanwhile, a full frontal assault is planned on Lestat during his outdoor concert in Death Valley. Cute.

The audience thinks the bloodless vampire attack is all part of the show. And that’s the problem – its ALL show, with barely any substance of author Anne Rice’s lush word barf that made the Vampire Chronicles so popular with the socially disaffected Goth crowd.

A league of vampires called the Ancients and a paranormal homework group called the Talamasca are involved, with everyone trying to get Akasha and Lestat to break up. Speaking of, Lestat’s band sucks, so they should break up. And if you’re a socially disaffected Goth dork, you should break up.

Hollow Horror

This has got to be embarrassing for one or more people: two horror movies coming out at the same time with the same name. It’s like throwing a party for yourself and everybody shows up dressed exactly like you. (That’s one of my all-time worst nightmares.)

So in one corner we have the crowd funded The Hollow Ones and in the other corner the not crowd funded The Hollow One. (And to muddle matters, there’s a group of disassociated people who refer to themselves as “The Hollow Ones.” I bet they’re Goth idiots.)

The Hollow One: “While searching for her missing father, an emotionally damaged woman confronts her tragic past and a shadowy figure with sinister intentions.”

Yeesh – who writes the press release copy for these things? The janitor?

The Hollow Ones: “The Hollow Ones is a horror thriller film about evil fairies, based on the 15th Century folklore of Changelings.”

Fairies are about the size of pork-fed butterflies and are easily squishable.

I feel more sorry for The Hollow One; Now they can’t use The Hollow Ones as a sequel name like they did with Alien/Aliens. Life sucks. Just ask “The Hollow Ones” wandering around the mall all dressed in Hot Topic™ on sale black.