Archive for machine guns

Ouija Boards and Zombies

Posted in Evil, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Platoon of the Dead

Platoon of the Dead (2009) may not be the worst zombie movie ever made (pretty close, though), but it does have the worst explanation for the zombies: five teens resurrecting an evil entity via a Ouija Board™, which popped out and turned the dead into the undead. I would’ve bought anything from tainted Cheetos™ to a Republican agenda, but a game board you can buy at Wal-Mart™ for $10? And given the sub-standard special effects (rubber body parts, plastic machine guns that shoot “lasers”, peanut butter blood), that’s about how much they spent on the entire movie.

Platoon of the Dead

Three marines – a wussy private, an insubordinate sergeant, and a heavy metal long hair lieutenant – find themselves behind enemy lines as well as being the lone survivors of a zombie army ambush raised by the evil entity. Yes, these military zombies carry guns.

Platoon of the Dead

Cornered in an abandoned house, a battle with plastic laser rifles ensues, with animated light bursts being shot all over the place, with only a few finding their mark. (Note: Never in the history of the military has there been anyone with hair longer than a five o’clock shadow. Clearly, this hippie is NOT a true member of the Armed Forces.)

Platoon of the Dead

Very little gore, and what entrails do make an appearance are not even close to being believable; When two zombie kids trap a big-boobed woman in the basement, it’s all she can do to keep from laughing as the children “rip” open her stomach while she lays absolutely still.

I figured out why the zombies in this “movie” all wore gas masks – they didn’t want anyone to know they were starring in this festival of crap.

Boar Gore

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 4, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Boar

You know how when you’re sitting in a bar having an excessive amount of refreshing adult beverages and talking to the hobo next to you, and the topic inevitably turns to giant razorbacks rampaging around the Australian Outback and eating people? Order another drink because a movie is being made with that same subject matter.

Boar

Boar, releasing in 2016, is the bloody and violent (i.e., heartwarming) story of a monstrous razorback with jagged tusks eating people. Yeah, it’s been done many times before (Razorback/1984, Pig Hunt/2008, Chaw/2009, Prey/2010, Hogzilla/2014), but infrequent enough to warrant another romp and chomp.

Boar

Here’s what will boar us: “In the harsh, yet beautiful Australian outback lives a beast, an animal of staggering size, with a ruthless, driving need for blood and destruction. It cares for none, defends its territory with brutal force, and kills with a raw, animalistic savagery unlike any have seen before. Believed nothing more than a myth, a legend brought to life by a drunken local, the beast ventures closer to civilization, closer to life, and ultimately, closer to death. It’s brutal, it’s bloodthirsty, it’s boar.”

Boar

What makes giant hog horror movies so compelling is the creatures really exist, with some weighing in excess of 1,000 pounds. That’s a lot of breakfast makin’s. Best to stay away from these ferocious beasts and let drunk redneck hunters with machine guns put ’em on the plate for us.