Archive for Louisiana

Dead On Arrival Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 12, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Bubba Nosferatu: Cures of the She-Vampires

And now from the Probably Ain’t Gonna Happen files. These are horror/sci-fi movies that were once gonna be made but due to various obstacles/mucking (usually some movie studio d*ckwipe), all deals are off the table. Here’s a few that had the potential to be craptacular…

BUBBA NOSFERATU & CURSE OF THE SHE-VAMPIRES (D.O.A.)
Elvis, shooting a film in Louisiana, finds himself mixed up with a coven of she-vampires.”

Dang — as a sequel to 2002’s hilarious bent Bubba Ho-Tep (starring the statue-worthy Bruce Campbell — or “Ash” from The Evil Dead/1981 — as Elvis), this would’ve been flippin’ crazy fun awesome cool. And yet flushables like Friday the 13th (except the 1980 original) get sequel carte blanche with all the regularity of an Ex-Lax Maximum Strength™ user.

Carpe Demon: Adventures of a Demon Hunting Soccer Mom

CARPE DEMON: ADVENTURES OF A DEMON-HUNTING SOCCER MOM (D.O.A.)
“A suburban housewife is tasked with ridding her town of demons.”

So this is where Stan vs. Evil (2016) got its floor plans. Oh well, if anything they got me to LOL over the title (taken from the 2005 book of the same name by author Julie Kenner). Now to go clean up my LOL.

House of Re-Animator

HOUSE OF RE-ANIMATOR (D.O.A.)
“Ignoring the previous three Re-Animator films, the story focuses on a ‘Bush-like president’ who dies in office and his staff covertly brings in Dr. Herbert West to reanimate him.”

More timely than ever, this one should be made immediately. Then again, I’m a sucker for anything Re-Animator/Herbert West. If you haven’t seen Re-Animator (1985), it’s a horror staple, so like, go staple yourself.

Growl

GROWL (D.O.A.)
“A traveling underground fight club called The Brawlers arrive at a derelict ghost town tucked away in the Colorado Rockies. They meet the town’s only residents, the Maxilla family who want to buy on to the fight card. But the Maxilla family’s true intentions for the Brawler crew is soon revealed in teeth and claws. Some will be hunted, some will be feed, and some will become part of the family…whether they like it or not.”

Crud balls — been waiting for this on every since I LOL’d about it here back on February 18, 2011. Growl (originally titled Brawlers — both are kinda sucky), sounds like Fight Club (1999) but with flea collars and infect-o teeth. But fighting werewolves go back to 2003’s Underworld, wherein naked lycanthropes in man form morph into naked werewolves and fight club each other because that’s what werewolves do. Well, that and rifle through my garbage can during full moons. Some pure silver cantaloupe rinds — strategically hidden between empty bags of Cheetos™ and unopened jars of faux mayonnaise — should take care of that problem.

Shark Porn

Posted in Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 29, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Red Water

Ever notice how Lou Diamond Phillips looks just like porn legend Peter North? From the neck up, anyway.

In the rogue shark movie Red Water (2003), Lou plays a charter boat captain in Louisiana in financial trouble because his business is seasonal and his customers aren’t. He used to work on oil rigs, but they had a blow out and two guys were killed. It wasn’t Lou’s fault, but he blames himself and traded his hot wife and career to own a stinky boat that barely floats. I probably would’ve done the same thing, but kept the hot wife (in case the boat quit working and we needed to be rowed back to land).

Red Water

Speaking of which, she shows up as a rep for the EPA wanting to charter his boat so she can keep tabs on the oil drilling going on up river. Lou’s hot ex-wife is played by Kristy Swanson, the original and ONLY Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Also in the drilling zone is three million dollars scuttled when the feds were closing in on a drug run gone horribly awry.

Red Water

Now the drug dealer who owns the spending rights wants it all back and hires a shark-bitten scuba expert/criminal to retrieve it. He also sends rap icon Coolio along to keep an eye on things. Coolio has played good guys before, but he really shines here as a gangsta thug brandishing a gun to cap yo’ ass and using appropriate street talk to get his point across.

Red Water

Prior to these soon-to-cross scenarios, a 12-foot bull shark has made it up river and has eaten several people. I see you waving a red flag here: sharks are salt water fish. Not so fast — bull sharks are ambidextrous. The criminals clash with Lou, resulting in a MANY opportunities to bleed in the water. To a hungry shark, that’s like a refreshing human beverage to wash down its hourly meals.

Red Water

Realistic criminal behavior, all-purpose explosions and enlarged fish attacks build up to a well-staged climax. Lou’s past factors in nicely on the final face-off with the shark (which looks like its made of some sort of water-proof rubber when it launches (!) out of the water to eat people).

Red Water

The oil drill, it should be noted, looks to be of Peter North proportions, if you catch my drift. But it’s the snappy dialogue and double-crossing gangstas that are the real heroes here.

LOL Horror & Sci-Fi

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, UFOs, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Snarling

Three new horror hopeful hits headed in this general direction. There’s probably more movies coming out, but I need to spend the day combing my hair YET AGAIN, so three is all you get from me on this 23rd day of the third month of the year 2016.

First up is The Snarling. Cool title. It could be in reference to anything from a werewolf or mad raccoon, to a bitter bear or my neighbor lady whose facial muscles are botoxed to the point she looks like her stretched skin is gonna pop.

Anyway, here’s the skinny on The Snarling, already screened in the U.K., but not here. I don’t know why: “When a cursed new horror film is being made in their village, locals Les, Mike and Bob see their chance to cash in and get famous. As the local Detective Inspector and his hapless sergeant Haskins eventually trace a link in recent bloody mutilations to the film, the race is on to stop the killings before our local heroes get caught up in the real blood and guts.”

Bloody mutilations is an oxymoron.

First Man on Mars

Next up is First Man on Mars, a spoof on The Martian (2015). In this one the send a guy to Mars, but he comes back infected with space gunk, turning him into a “crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh.”

Here’s the splashdown on First Man on Mars (release pending 2016): “In 2003 billionaire astronaut Eli Cologne began his journey through space to become the first man on Mars, but something went horribly wrong. The space craft crashed undetected in a remote part of Louisiana during Hurricane Katrina, and he’s been hunting both human and animal prey in the swamps for years. For small town sheriff Dick Ruffman, it’s a race against time to find the man-turned-monster before he kills again in this horrifying and hilarious satire of low budget drive-in grindhouse creature features from the 1970s.”

Crazed, savage monster with an unquenchable thirst for human flesh is an oxymoron.

Australiens

Lastly, the brilliantly punned Australiens (releasing June 14, 2016) is a comedic take on an alien invasion set in the Land of Roo: “An extraterrestrial armada launches a nationwide assault on Australia. Seems the other nations of the world are far too insulted by their exclusion from the attack to come to Australia’s aid. Car-chasing spaceships, martial-arts aliens, giant killer robots and more.”

Australia doesn’t need our help – they have tasty beers. And you can never lose when you have tasty beers.

Mammoth Fail

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 10, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mammoth

A museum curator has a completely preserved woolly mammoth encased in a block of ice, ready to over-charge people to see.

For whatever reason, he drills through the ice and extracts a transmitter that was lodged in the mammoth’s butt area. This “analometer” suddenly activates and sends out a deep space transmission to a flying sausage, uh, saucer. Said UFO makes a u-turn for earth. I don’t know why. Neither will you.

Mammoth

Out of nowhere a flaming meteor streaks across the Louisiana skies and crashes into the museum, waking up the slumbering beast. Before it goes outside to get a breath of future air, it sucks all the life force out of a museum guard via its trunk. As much as I wanted to be making that up, I’m not.

Mammoth

Later, two government agents – clearly aware of the extraterrestrial nature of the “awakening” – show up to track the monster and have space guns that presumably emit mammoth-stopping waves of some sort. After that, the whole plot gets really dumb.

Mammoth

The elephant in Mammoth (2006) looks like one of the Banana Splits™. While it does have a decent roar (I wish my car horn sounded like that – then those stinkin’ hippies would RUN), it only gores one person with its tusks of doom and stomps the entire car a guy was trying to hide under.

The whole thing is played for laughs, which falls as flat as the guy under the car is now. Someone saves the day but at what price? I get the feeling I may have paid a bigger price by watching this dud.

Classic ’70s Sleaze Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Eaten Alive

Hard to come up with a horror movie title more tantalizing than 1977’s Eaten Alive. Oh sure they tried, even by re-titling this Seventies lurid gem: Death Trap, Horror Hotel and Starlight Slaughter. Meh. Eaten Alive tells you everything you need to know.

And this is why it’s so cool Eaten Alive is being re-issued on Blu-ray™ with a metric ton of extras sometime in July, 2015. So why all this fuss over a low budget sleazy horror movie that barely made it to the drive-in big screens and was left collecting dust in VHS discount bins?

Eaten Alive

First, look who was involved with this thing: Tobe Hooper directed and did the soundtrack. You may remember him as the director from another forgotten little movie called The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Then there was a starring role from Caroline Jones, widely known as Morticia from The Addams Family cult TV series (1964 – 1966) playing a brothel owner. And who is that shirtless redneck hick trying to score with a hooker? None other than Freddy Krueger himself – Robert England. Marilyn Burns, who played the endlessly screaming survivor in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, stars as an unhappy wife. How can you ever be happy after being tormented by a chain saw?

Eaten Alive

Eaten Alive has it all – a war-damaged scuzzy hotel owner, some bare boobies, some gory deaths by way of a scythe, and a GIANT CROCODILE. Set in the Louisiana swamp backwoods, Judd, the hotel proprietor, has loose noodles for brains and keeps the aforementioned GIANT CROCODILE as a pet in the stink pond the hotel (more like a shack with several rooms) ’round back. Throw in a beleaguered prostitute, a feisty redneck, some guests who shouldn’t really be there and the GIANT CROCODILE that eats you alive, you have a movie that practically writes itself.

Eaten Alive

The re-issued Eaten Alive contains so many extras, it would take me away from watching my UFO stories on YouTube™ to list ’em all here. Of the plethora of bonus stuff, I’m visibly shocked they didn’t have an interview with the GIANT CROCODILE itself, reminiscing about what Freddy Krueger tastes like. Then again, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.

Ghosts Bothering You

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jessabelle

More ghost-y stuff finally headed for your head, this time in the form of a young gal who, while returning to her pre-training bra home in Louisiana to re-apply bandages and recuperate after a splatto car accident, comes human face to ghost face with a long-tormented spirit that’s been seeking her return. And get this  – that spooky whatzit has no intention of letting her escape. Yeow, I say!

With that, Jessabelle (2014), from some guy involved with Paranormal Activity (2009) and Insidious (2011), looks to add some doctor bills to your chills. I am so down with that.

Jessabelle

I watched the trailer for Jessabelle last summer while drinking an ice cold AND refreshing beer. While the movie was supposed to come out in August 2014, it did not. And because I just didn’t seem to care about anything except beer during a hot summer, it fell off the radar. According to my staff out in the field (the neighbor kids), Jessabelle is scheduled for limited release on November 7th, 2014.

Rotten Tomatoes™, that highly opinionated movie review site, gave it one and a half stars. And I thought I was a movie a**hole.

Louisiana Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 14, 2013 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Moon of the Wolf

A werewolf in a plaid shirt and polyester pants? Hair perfectly combed and trimmed? His teeth job-interview white? No sniffin’ other werewolf butts or hangin’ out by rusty fire hydrants for this uptown party monster.

Moon of the WolfA lycanthrope worthy of a Roger Miller song is loose on Louisiana’s Marsh Island. The sheriff is inclined to believe the throat-ripped murder of a local girl is the work of wild dogs with an utter disregard for flea collars.

Moon of the Wolf

Everyone else immediately goes for the werewolf theory. I thought it might be gators given that there are, like, millions of ’em in Louisiana, some perhaps that even howl at the moon. That would’ve made more sense than the color-coordinated wolf man who turns out to be known by everybody.

Moon of the Wolf

Moon of the Wolf (1972) – no blood, no gore, no suspense and no fun. I dug the groovy ’70s threads, however.