Demon Clowns, Amphibious Monsters, Hippie Bongs

Looking into Lotto™ strategies to become financially self-sustained so I can watch horror/sci-fi movies as my “day job” without ever having to put pants on to make a living. Any tips, lucky numbers or insider info would be much appreciated.

Here’s four upcoming new ones headed my/your way. Pants not required.

EVIL BONG: 666 (April 20, 2017)
“When a brutal blood sacrifice opens a portal to Hell, Eebee and The Gingerdead Man are returned to Earth. But his trip to Hell has driven Gingerdead even more insane, and unless someone can stop his murderous cookie-cuttin’ rampage he’s gonna ruin Eebee’s plans for world domination. In a last-minute fit of inspiration Eebee channels her inner Dr. Frankenstein and creates The Gingerweed Man! A tiny, cobbled together monster made from the greatest strains of weed on earth, this little killer is ready to get high with a little help from his friends!”

Not a fan of stoner horror because the only way to enjoy it is to be stoned. I prefer a nice carafe of Budweiser™ or a snifter of paint thinner hooch to augment my horror movie experiences. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

CLOWNTERGEIST (2017)
“Emma, a college student with a crippling fear of clowns, must come face to face with her worst fear when an evil spirit in the body of a clown is summoned, terrorizing the town she calls home. One by one Emma and her friends receive a balloon with the exact time and date of when it will appear to kill them written on it. After receiving her balloon, Emma realizes that she has two days left to live, and must fight against the clock to find a way to survive.”

Makes sense that a demon-possessed clown would use balloons to get his point across. Personally, I’d go with one of those cool, honking squeezy horns. That tends to get people’s attention, especially in restrooms. And they just sound so funny.

COLD SKIN (2017)
“On the edge of the Antarctic Circle a ship approaches a desolate island far from all shipping lanes. On board is a young man, on his way to assume the post of weather observer, to live in solitude at the end of the earth. But on shore he finds no trace of the man whom he has been sent to replace, just a deranged castaway who has witnessed a horror he refuses to name. The young man will soon realize that with each night comes an army of humanoid killer amphibians.”

This one sounds cool. But it does beg the question of why humanoid killer amphibians would seek out a meager food source at the ends of the Earth when we have so many all-you-can-eat beach buffets around here. Just ask any shark — surfers are basically crunchy seals.

DEMON HOLE (2017)
“A fracking crew drills on sacred Native American land unleashing an ancient demon. Six teens have to serve community service in the remote forest where the demon is lurking. They find themselves trapped in a realm of illusions with plenty of marijuana, an abandoned cabin, dark caves, endless woods, and temptation. There are only two ways out of these woods — succumb to the demon or die.”

Note to ancient demon: Please don’t let those fracking teens out of the woods. And if you need more, we’ll ship ‘em to you, no charge. Just like having an Amazon Prime™ account.

The Forest Gives You Wood

Two horror movies coming out in 2016, both having nearly the same title and subject. What are the odds? And yet, in Hollywood, this kind of thing happens all the time. Perhaps I should go there to buy my Lotto™ tickets.

So we have The Forest and The Forest of the Lost Souls being released in early 2016, with both using the Aokigahara Forest – a real place in Japan – as the framework for the ensuing horror. (Aokigahara, as featured on TV, is where despondent people go to commit suicide. Don’t go there to have a picnic because hey, dead people all over the place.)

So here’s the plot of The Forest: “A young American woman comes in search of her twin sister, who has mysteriously disappeared in the Aokigahara Forest. Despite everyone’s warnings not to “stray from the path,” Sara dares to enter the woods to discover the truth about her sister’s fate, only to be confronted by the angry and tormented souls of the dead who now prey on anyone who crosses their paths.”

Can’t blame the tormented souls of the dead being all ticked off ’n stuff; their final resting place is a flippin’ tourist attraction.

Next is The Forest of the Lost Souls set in Portugal: “The Forest of the Lost Souls is a dense and remote forest, Portugal’s most popular place for suicide. In a summer morning, two strangers meet within the woods. Carolina is an eccentric, unstable young girl who finds all things related to death are fun.”

“As bumping into each other puts them off killing themselves, they decide to go for a walk to discover The Forest of the Lost Souls and see what they will find. As they walk deeper into the woods, they get to know each other and become friends – but one of them is not being honest, one of them is a dark and horrible person.”

I’ve met a few dark and horrible people lately. Think I’ll buy ’em a map to Aokigahara Forest.

Speaking of, there was a previous Japanese movie about the unhappiest place on Earth called Forest of Death, which came out in 2007. (Hard-core fans of this here e-blog know I reviewed and posted it on July 13, 2013.) In that one the trees in Forest of Death can communicate on behalf of the dead. So what do the dead say through the interpretations of the leaves? Heck if I know – I don’t speak lawn clipping.

Haunted Chicks

Horror movies like to kiss each others’ b-holes. A truer statement was never made. This is why after Paranormal Activity came out in 2007 and hit big box office Lotto™ double mega gold, we’ve seen no less than 30 horror movies that invoke the buzzword, “paranormal.” (I’d list them all here but I’m low on activity.)

So the new trigger word to get you to buy in to horror crap-o-rama is “haunting.” That’s a good go-to word as it implies ghosts, ghost demons, unexplained ghosts, lingering beer farts… There are near countless books, TV shows and movies that employ the money word. Curiously, though, is how it is applied to horror movies with girl names. Like I said, b-hole kissing.

The most current (as of this e-blog barfing) invocation of “haunting” as paired with a chick comes with The Haunting of Helena (2013), which attempts to goons you out with a formulaic story line: “A single mother moves into a new house with her daughter. Soon after the young girl has her first baby tooth fall off, she begins to recount that she is having nocturnal visits by a tooth fairy. It seems the house has a sinister history.”

Meh.

The first “haunted girl” movie came in 1977 with The Haunting of Julia, which is actually a decent ghost-y story: “After the death of her daughter, Julia Lofting, a wealthy housewife, moves to London to re-start her life. All seems well until she is haunted by the sadness of losing her own child and the ghosts of other children.”

Sounds meh, but is actually pretty cool.

In 2003 came The Haunting of Rebecca Verlaine (aka, Garden of Love): “A woman who’s family was brutally murdered when she was little is instructed by her family’s ghosts to bring the killers to them so their souls can rest in peace.”

Was this accomplished? Meh.

Then there’s The Haunting of Molly Hartley and The Haunting of Amelia, both released in 2008. Molly: “Molly Hartley looks to put her troubled past behind her with a fresh start at a new school, where she sparks with one of the most popular students. But can her secrets stay buried, especially as she learns more about the horrific truth that awaits her once she turns 18?”

A meh teen ghost story made for the Twilight dorks.

The Haunting of Amelia (aka The Other Side of the Tracks): “Ten years after a tragic train accident killed his girlfriend, Josh finds himself haunted by disturbing visions from somewhere between the world of the living and the dead, haunting memories that keep him from moving on.”

Haven’t seen this one. Kinda burned out on “The Haunting of…” type horror movies. Maybe I’ll give it viewing once I hold a seance in the light of the refrigerator to conjure the spirits of a six-pack.