Archive for Lorenzo Lamas

Sucking Succubus

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Succubus: Hell Bent

A couple of spoiled rich dudes go to Cabo (though they later tell police it was Cancun), where they score chick after chick with some of the worst pick-up lines ever uttered.

Succubus: Hell Bent

One such chick is so hot as to be a Succubus, a demonic entity that has humpty hump with you and then kills your. sex drive – permanently. The guys bail the next day without even saying, “Well it was certainly nice to have unsafe intercourse with you, Ms. Succubus – hope you don’t have to wait long for that succu-bus to take you home.”

Succubus: Hell Bent

This makes Succ-y mad. So she follows them back to L.A. and becomes an mega psycho bitch and kills those whom the “dine-n-dash” lover is close to. Interesting premise, but any guy with a psycho-ex is quite familiar with that kind of horror.

Succubus: Hell BentProblem #2: Succubus: Hell Bent (2007)  was written and directed by a chick, which means nudity is extremely limited.

Problem #3: They really shouldn’t let the actors write their own dialogue.

Problem #4: Way too long at an hour and a half. Then again, it’d be way too long at six minutes.

Problem #5: The director put her favorite band in the club scene and gave them way too much screen time. They suck more than the Succubus.

Problems #6 through #43: The special effects. (Succ Succ’s wings are so obviously wax paper, they have to blur them out so you don’t notice) are horribly outdated (think Netscape 3).

Lorenzo Lamas, David Keith and Gary Busey (as a heavy metal demon fighter) have bit parts, but watching them is as painful as watching this movie. They should’ve made Busey the monster because he’s scarier than anything to come from the depths of Hell. And that’s a compliment.

Gary Busey

This Ghost Has A Pulse

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pulse

If you like ghosts – and I think I can speak for the rest of us when I say hell yes – then Pulse (aka, Kairo/2001) delivers a nifty polter-wedgy. Mind you, this is the Japanese version, not the crappy American remake with that flat Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1992) chick, whose fast becoming the Lorenzo Lamas of horror.

Pulse

Taguchi hasn’t been to work in days, preferring to stay at home and working on a computer something or rather. When a friend/colleague/buttinski comes over to his apartment, she finds Taguchi to be distant and aloof, as if high on illegal drugs or internet porn. But when the chick, sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, turns her head for just a second, Taguchi hangs himself.

Pulse

Later, while looking for insight as to why he would want to stretch his neck, his friends see Taguchi’s ghost face on his computer monitor. Then they get a phone call from their dead friend (probably collect). Going back over to Taguchi’s apartment, they see a black stain on the wall where he hung himself like an oil painting.

Pulse

Looking for more clues on the computer, the friends see chat rooms full of dead people asking, “Do you want to meet a ghost?” (If that happens to you, say no, because most internet ghosts want to sell you Viagra™, three-percent home loans or penis enlargement pills.)

Pulse

Ryosuke and Michi (hey, their moms gave ’em those names, not me) end up wandering around the city as if ghosts themselves. Why? The entire population is mysteriously vanishing and the town is in flames. If you’ve been paying attention to all the PDA, cell phone and computer use throughout the movie you’ll see it’s a metaphor for people getting so caught up in technology, they’re all becoming “e-ghosts.”

Pulse

My take is that using the internet or your cell phone will make you jump off buildings and leave stains on the wall. I don’t want to be an e-ghost. I would rather be an iWerewolf. That’d be way cooler, I think.