Archive for lifeguard

Sharks With Tan Lines

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 18, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Malibu Shark Attack

Underwater earthquakes off the coast of California release a school of prehistoric sharks hell bent on eating anything wearing a bikini. And these Goblin sharks do a LOT of gobblin’: surfers, skin divers, swimmers — anything that rhymes with food.

Malibu Shark Attack

So what were the sharks doing for a million years while buried under the ocean? Playing cards, would be my guess. Probably Go Fish™. Don’t give me that look — that joke was gold.

Malibu Shark Attack

The earthquakes cause a tsunami, which obliterates those suns of beaches. In a genius move four lifeguards and two beachers make it into a lifeguard stand and ride out the Big Wave. Never mind that the lifeguard stand is basically painted balsa wood that manages to take a direct hit from the wave without snapping into toothpicks, or that the tsunami crushes everything else into jellyfish.

Malibu Shark Attack

The survivors (for now) are trapped in the shelter with Goblin sharks skinny-dipping around them. Brilliant, I tell you. The sharks, unfortunately, meet their seafood destiny at the end of a Black & Decker™ chainsaw (B&D should use that in their marketing brochures.)

Malibu Shark Attack

Goblin sharks have cartoonish protruding snouts, which look like novelty-store noses. Only thing missing is over-sized eye-glasses and squirting flowers on their lapels. They look stupid. Malibu Shark Attack (2009) is stupid. I’m stupid. Oh, yeah? Well, so are you. So there.

That ’80s Sea Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 19, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

DeepStar Six

DeepStar Six™ is an all-the-way underwater Navy-funded sub-station with a science/janitor crew setting up a missile silo, which will later be used to blast Russia or whales right in the blow-hole.

DeepStar Six

The constantly bickering crew has fatigue syndrome, which makes the confined workspace more socially exciting. While drilling through a sea wall, a mini-sub is attacked by a prehistoric monster that looks like one of the graboid sand worms in Tremors (1990). Never mind that this movie came out before Tremors did – the worm was copied, I tell you.

DeepStar Six

The aquatic monster barely makes an appearance at this point, and doesn’t show up again until the last 30 minutes when it gets inside an air lock and goes after the crew, whose numbers fall prey to severed limbs and liquid-filled lungs.

DeepStar Six

Swear word-infused yelling, a torso bit in half here, a heart exploding there, but mostly a dry tale of underwater horror. Not to be confused with  The Evil Below, The Rift (Endless Descent), Lords of the Deep, Leviathan, and The Abyss, all of which had pretty much the same plot and came out the same year as DeepStar Six (1989). Hollywood needs a new lifeguard.