Archive for Library of Congress

Rebooted Puke, Stab-A-Thon, Cannibal Love

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , on October 3, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Universally regarded the scariest movie ever made, The Exorcist (1973) is being remade as a direct sequel to the original film and slated for an October 2023 release. If that doesn’t make you hurl split-pea soup, here’s even more bonus info: It’s intended to be the first of three new Exorcist films and the sixth installment of The Exorcist franchise overall.

Tying it together, Ellen Burstyn, who played the single mom of Regan MacNeil, her Devil-possessed daughter, returns after 50 years (she’s 90 years old now, but has the body of an 80 year old) to star in the as yet not fully titled Exorcist 2023. Linda Blair, who famously played the 12-year-old soup-puking daughter, is not appearing. Neither am I.

When the Devil got into Regan’s wheelhouse, he made her do stuff like spider-walk stairs upside-down, pee on the carpet as if it were legal, power barfing green gunk all over her jammies and a priest trying to get the party started, violently flopping around on her bed like she was doing “The Worm” dance, spin her head 360 degrees without getting dizzy and liquid laughing even more, “polishing” a crucifix (ahem), speaking in evil Latin, floating like a helium-possessed balloon, and swearing with language typically reserved for those stubbing their toe on a coffee table leg. In other words, acting like a typical 12-year-old.

Non-evil fun fact: In 2010, the Library of Congress selected the film to be preserved in its National Film Registry, citing it as “culturally, historically, or aesthetically significant.” I can think of a dozen adult films that could fit in that category, but that’s a different NSFW blog post.

While we order a case of Campbell’s Chunky Split Pea & Ham™ with Natural Smoke Flavor Soup, (Amazon Fresh™: Pack of 12 — $28.68…sweet!) in homage to The Exorcist, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you power barf… 

VESPER / Out now US / October 21, 2022 / United Kingdom

“After the collapse of Earth’s ecosystem, Vesper, a 13-year-old girl struggling to survive with her paralyzed father, meets a woman with a secret who will force her to use her wits, strengths and bio-hacking abilities to fight for the possibility of having a future.”

With the Earth’s eco-system in the unfertilized toilet, it’s clear what’s needed: Soylent Green made from human beans. 

HALLOWEEN ENDS / October 14, 2022 (Theaters/Peacock™)

“Four years after the events of Halloween Kills (2021), Laurie is living with her granddaughter and is finishing writing her memoir. Michael Myers hasn’t been seen since. Laurie, after allowing the specter of Michael to determine and drive her reality for decades, has decided to liberate herself from fear and rage and embrace life. But when a young man is accused of killing a boy he was babysitting, it ignites a cascade of violence and terror that will force Laurie to finally confront the evil she can’t control, once and for all.”

The first Halloween movie came out 44 years ago. Counting Halloween Ends, there’s nine sequels, one that had nothing to do with the series (Halloween III: Season of the Witch/1982), and two remakes (Rob Zombie did ‘em). I don’t doubt there’s a Michael Myers body count stat, but as the unstoppable/unkillable star of Halloween, he’s had quite a successful career thinning the herd. So will Michael finally die in Halloween Ends? Not as long as we keep paying to see more Halloween movies.

HEX / November 1, 2022 (DVD/VOD)

“Sarah witnesses a mysterious disappearance while on a skydive. The remaining team of skydivers are haunted and left fighting for their lives. As they search for answers, they find that things are not as they seem.”

A “mysterious disappearance” while skydiving. Either that person got stuck in a cloud or forgot to pull the rip cord. (Look for a red stain about the size of you.) 

BONES AND ALL / November 23, 2022 (Theaters)

“Two outsiders embark on a 1,000-mile odyssey through Ronald Reagan’s America. When they discover they cannot outrun their terrifying pasts the pair take a final stand to determine whether their love can survive their otherness. An achingly tender and thoughtful coming-of-age romance between a pair of cannibals with an insatiable need to devour flesh.”

While an insatiable need to devour flesh applies to both cannibals and zombies, cannibals are capable of being romantic (example: candlelight buttsteak dinner); zombies will bite your mouth off if you try and smooch ’em. That’s the total opposite of romance.

Mermaids, UFOs, Vampires, Witches

Posted in Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 16, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mermaid Map

MetroNews.com recently posted an article featuring an illustrated 1562 map that depicts several mermaids holding/playing with UFOs. That these objects could possibly be clam shells doesn’t negate the fact that mermaids and UFOs are as real as tasty, butter-dipped bivalve molluscs.

Mermaid Maid

From the article written by Jaspar Hamill (Pffft — that name sounds so made up), the map is called Americae Sive Quartae Orbis Partis Nova Et Exactissima Descriptio (A New and Most Exact Description of America or The Fourth Part of the World). It was made in 1562 by the Spanish cartographer Diego Gutiérrez and the Flemish artist Hieronymus Cock (Awesome ancient porn name). The map is the earliest example of a large ‘wall map’ of America and is believed to be the first to feature the name ‘California’. It features giants as well as barbaric cannibals shown roasting a victim over an open fire.”

The map also includes “images of parrots, monkeys, mermaids, fearsome sea creatures, cannibals, Patagonian giants, and an erupting volcano in central Mexico complement the numerous settlements, rivers, mountains, and capes named. Sadly, it did not indicate why the mermaids might be holding a UFO, which means this ancient mystery remains officially unsolved.”

Mermaid Map

Man, it must’ve been a blast to live in 1562. I’d go out for a drink with a mermaid — for about 30 seconds, which is about as long as I can hold my breath.

So if you wanna see this NOT FAKE map in person, it’s being housed at the Library of Congress. Or, you could just wait for these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to see if there are any barbaric cannibals shown roasting people over an open fire…

Gonjiam: Haunted Asylum

GONJIAM: HAUNTED ASYLUM (March 28, 2018/South Korea | April 13, 2018 (US/Limited)
“The crew of a horror web show plan to stream live from inside a ‘haunted’ asylum. To attract more viewers, the show’s host arranges some scares for the team, but as they move further into the nightmarish old building, they begin to encounter much more than expected.”

YET ANOTHER one of these “reality shows in a haunted asylum” movies. By my count, this makes over one billion. And yes, I’ve see all one billion of ‘em. What can I say? I have a lot of free couch time.

Corbin Nash

CORBIN NASH (April 20, 2018)
“Searching a world of darkness for a truth he was never ready for, a rogue detective is murdered only to be reborn the ultimate killer. Embracing his destiny, vowing vengeance on all that destroyed his family; he is Corbin Nash, Demon Hunter.”

I liked it better when it was Dylan Dog: Dead of Night (2010). Still, with demon hunter job openings becoming as scarce as soap-filled dispensers in dive bar restrooms, might be time to see some demon slaying job skills in action.

Vidar The Vampire

VIDAR THE VAMPIRE (available now/Norway | 2018 U.S.)
Vidar Haarr is a 33-year-old, sexually frustrated bachelor farmer who leads a monotonous life as a Christian on his mother’s farmstead in the Western outskirts of Norway.  In a desperate attempt to break free from routine, Vidar prays to a higher power to grant him a life without boundaries. Unfortunately, his prayers are heard and, following that most unorthodox of ceremonies, Vidar is reborn as the Prince of Darkness.”

Been following this one. The press is calling Vidar The Vampire “a blood drenched, over-the-top horror comedy that is seriously not for the easily offended.” There is no part of that sentence I didn’t like.

I Am Not A Witch

I AM NOT A WITCH (available/France, Germany | 2018 U.S.)
When eight-year-old Shula turns up alone and unannounced in a rural Zambian village, the locals are suspicious. A minor incident escalates to a full-blown witch trial, where she is found guilty and sentenced to life on a state-run witch camp. There, she is tethered to a long white ribbon and told that if she ever tries to run away, she will be transformed into a goat. As the days pass, Shula begins to settle into her new community, but a threat looms on the horizon.  Soon she is forced to make a difficult decision — whether to resign herself to life on the camp, or take a risk for freedom.”

I say risk freedom and turn into a goat. You don’t see many of those things around the mall much anymore, so that could be kinda neat.

Pea Pod People

Posted in Aliens, Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 7, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Couch-sized pea pods, drifting in space for eons, land on Earth, sprout, and turn regular people into Pea Pod People. For all intents, the PPPs look and sound just like regular folk, except they have about as much emotional range as wallpaper.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Once you fall asleep next to a pod, icky tendrils come out and suck all your Earth chi into the vines. Your body dies like an October pumpkin left on the porch until December, and you’re re-cast as One Of Them.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

By the time an excitable psychiatrist finds out, almost everyone is a vegetable version of their former self. His screams go unheeded.

Invasion of the Body Snatchers

Invasion of the Body Snatchers (1956) is listed in the Library of Congress’ Top 10 Films of all time (it’s number nine, just ahead of I Eat Your Skin/1964. Oops – sorry; my list, not theirs.) IotBS has also been called one of “America’s most heart-pounding films.” I’d have to concur, though Cyberella: Forbidden Passions (1996) achieves similar results.