House of Bats, Weaponized Demons, Burlesque Vampires

The Flash has S.T.A.R. Labs. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. Aquaman has an adult-sized clam shell with a seaweed lawn. But none of them can match the majesty of the caped crusader’s condo, the Batcave. Batman’s famous headquarters is where he has anti-crime computers, TVs, probably a fridge and even a private “bat room” when he needs to pinch some guano. And now you can own a Lego™ replica of the Batcave for a crime-busting $399.99. Called the Batcave™ – Shadow Box, this monolithic set comes with a Batmobile™ and even Alfred the Butler™.

From Lego’s™ website: “Adult enthusiasts can recreate the iconic Batcave™ from 1992’s Batman Returns movie with the LEGO® DC Batman™ Batcave – Shadow Box. This 3,981-piece tableau incorporates movable items, mini figures and a feature-rich Batmobile™ to produce a detailed and dynamic display piece that will captivate all who see it.” 

“Measuring over 20” wide, this Batcave tableau contains an assortment of authentic details, including movable items that can be controlled from the rear. Users can turn the chair, change the computer screen and open and close the tool store and illuminated Batsuit™ vault. For extra realism, a Batmobile with a variety of hands-on features is included along with 7 mini figures: Max Shreck, The Penguin™, Catwoman™, 2 versions of Batman, Alfred Pennyworth™ and Bruce Wayne™. For added convenience, a digital version of the set’s building instructions can be found on the LEGO Builder app.” Note to law-abiding citizens living in Gotham or not, the Batcave™ – Shadow Box officially goes on sale June 8, 2023. However, if you sign up to be a Lego™ VIP member, you can get early sale access on June 5, 2023. 

So while we all rush over to Lego.com and sign up (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a plastic butler…

GHOST / July 9, 2023 (POV Horror™, Wicked Horror TV™)

“A deadly religious cult begins weaponizing demonic entities — and it’s up to a band of church-funded mercenaries to take them down before they unleash Hell on Earth. When word of a Fallen Angel reaches the team, the stakes are raised and the fate of humanity rests on the shoulders of one man: Ghost.”

Deadly religious cults don’t practice safe sect.

BLOODY BRIDGET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Haitian voodoo deity transforms a burlesque dancer into a “Valentine vampire.” Blood only whets her appetite – she must eat her victims’ beating hearts!”

The problem with burlesque vampires is you still have to tip ’em.

THE DEVIL COMES AT NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Ben, a washed-up boxer searching for his inheritance, must fight for his life when he is trapped in his deceased father’s farmhouse by a cannibal cult. With the help of Amy, the local librarian, he discovers the cult’s leader, Mason, has been hunting down his family for generations. And now his sights are set on Ben. Together, Ben and Amy come up with a plan to defeat the cult once and for all.

Cannibals form cults because they’re fed up with people. Heh.

THE BOOGEYMAN: THE ORIGIN OF THE MYTH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers discover that the terrifying legend of The Boogeyman is real after the mysterious disappearances of several children in a small town.”

This one’s also known as El Hombre Del Saco. Wish I could have a cool name like Del Saco.

Stranger Thing Things

As anticipation for Stranger Things Season 3 (July 4, 2019/Netflix™) reaches pee shiver excitement of bladder-straining proportions, the runaway hit horror/sci-fi TV series brings in its wake a pile of licensed goodies, from toys to books to entire living room makeovers. Yes, you read that correctly. Let’s get started, shall we?

First up is the just released Stranger Things’ The Upside Down LEGO™ set, loaded with remarkable detail for a bunch of colorful bricks that like inside-out waffles bars, which ironically, taste like plastic bricks. Behold — the press release:

“The replica of the Byers house features Will’s bedroom, the living room and the dining room. The Upside Down version of the house features all the rooms from the real-world model but with a dark, vine-covered, dilapidated look. Of course, the set includes 8 mini-figures of your favorite Stranger Things characters, which each come with their own accessories.”

Way cool, especially the LEGO™ version of the monsterific Demogorgon. (My neighbor’s dog looks exactly like one of those face-eating things.) Expect to pay $199.00 for this super neato set.

Next comes Visions from the Upside Down (Printed In Blood, Del Rey) hardcover art book, available October 15, 2019 for $35 upside down fun coupons.

The 304 page book highlights contributions from an army of artists. As the press release brags, “The more than 200 artists featured, drawing from the earthly dimensions of comics, illustration, fine art, video-games, and animation, have come together to bring us a unique vision of the world of Hawkins, Indiana. The 200-plus brand-new images have been created specifically for this volume, which also includes an all-new introduction.”

That’s a lot of crayons being put to the stress test.

One of the all-time seriously coolest Stranger Things tie-ins comes from IKEA™, the Swedish furniture store that sells chairs with names as hard to pronounce as it is to assemble them at home. They’ve come up with a recreation of the iconic Byers living room. You have to make your own portal to the Upside Down. You’ll need a 12-pack and a sledgehammer.

So how much would it cost to turn your own living room into the Byers family’s living room, complete with letter wall and Christmas lights? According to IKEA™, $1,441.54. Guess it’s time to take down all those KISS posters and upgrade my lifestyle with beach towel covered couches and Morse code Christmas lights.

Lastly, ice cream flingers Baskin-Robbins™ are turning select stores into a Scoops Ahoy Stranger Things ice cream shop one in particular being set up at the Starcourt Mall in…wait for it…Hawkins, IN.

Check out the menu: the “Demogorgon Sundae,” the “Elevenade Freeze,” the “Upside Down Sundae” and pre-packed quarts of “U.S.S. Butterscotch.” Too bad this is a limited promotion; I’d be up for a Demogorgon Sundae year ’round.

This is just the tip of the Upside Down. I’ll let you know if they come out with a Stranger Things toilet with the bowl that resembles the gaping, toothy mouth of the Demogorgon. If you had problems purging before, this will fix that sh*t with one sit. Heh.

Earth-Sucking Robot

A giant robot looking like a giant Lego™ has arrived on Earth to suck it dry of all its energy resources. I didn’t know robots could be Republicans. Such is the premise of Kronos (aka, Kronos, Destroyer of the Universe /1957), a sci-fi classic.

So how did the bolts and nuts sucker get here? Start with an incoming UFO that scientists are monitoring that they think is an asteroid. It’s headed straight towards Earth, so we do what we do best – shoot bombs at it. Direct hit, nothing happens, even thought the warheads were pure USDA-grade atomic boom booms.

The UFO shakes it off and resumes its course. The newscaster tells us not to panic and that it won’t hit New York. Then the UFO hits New York. Just f’n with you – it goes into the ocean just off a Mexican beach. Aiyeeee! 

Two dude scientists and a supermodel chick scientist head there to see what’s what. After much plot stalling, the ocean glows white (not surprising as the movie was filmed in black and white) and out pops Kronos – 100 feet tall and full of Earth-sucking fury. (Note to scientists: Kronos gets bigger as he consumes our Earth juice.)

While Kronos is heading towards all of Earth’s nuclear plants and getting his suck on, the Mexican Air Force moves in to nuke Big K. Incorrecto, amigos – that’s what Kronos eats.

One of the scientists theorizes they need to drop reverse energy particles on Kronos to booger up his sucking power, thereby causing the mecánico monster to explode into particles.

Footnote: Kronos was transported here by an alien race that has sucked all its own natural resources dry, with the plan to have K absorb ours and bring it on home. Sorry alien dick heads – we’re doing that on our own just fine.