Archive for Lament Configuration

Terror-ible Drinks, Blissful Bigfoot, Hotel Bed Bugs

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Bigfoot, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 12, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

2 Fingers Social. Sounds like a party for proctologists. If so, pretty funny. But 2 Fingers Social is a bar/restaurant in White Center (aka, Rat City), a quick twerk from West Seattle, the Capitol of Where I Live. And it’s not JUST a bar, but a MOVIE bar.

Sure, any bar can show flicks. But the neighborhood jewel 2 Fingers Social often big screens all manner of horror/sci-fi movies, their tables tops are Hellraiser’s Lament Configuration designs, and they offer savory craft cocktails (i.e., more deluxe than not-craft cocktails), like Suspiria, The Fog and Lestat. Of course they have beer (IPA, Pale, Stout, Porter, Pilsner…but no Budweiser™. Pity. If they only knew how much business they’re losing from ME by not having the King of Beers™.

In addition to all of what was just established (as well as killer promotions augmented by the aforementioned drinkables), you can get hot dogs, tamales, and pizza. (I recommend the face-fulfilling Leather Face and Goblin King pies, because hey, cool names.) And because you need exact GPS coordinates to get there: 2 Fingers Social, 9211 Delridge Way SW, Seattle, WA 98106.

While you use one of your more sociable fingers to hitchhike there, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as much fun as a proctologist party

BIGFOOT 2 / Out now (VOD)

“In a primeval forest, a biological researcher and her expedition team played life-and-death games with prehistoric crocodiles and mutant giant spiders, and even discovered a mysterious creature that only existed in legends — Bigfoot. Just as everyone was immersed in joy, they did not know the greater danger.”

Can’t tell you how many times I’ve been immersed in joy every time I see Bigfoot. He embodies pure happiness and makes one giddy as a little girl.

THE 100 / Out now (YouTube™)

“A group is quarantined in a hotel that’s home to a giant centipede and its spawn. Fame and Phil, two popular sibling YouTubers, check in to Srichanphen Hotel for a state-mandated fourteen-day quarantine during the height of the pandemic. In the hotel, they encounter strange events.”

As with any two-star motor lodge, they tack on extra for oversized bugs. Not unreasonable.

THE LABYRINTH Out now (YouTube™)

“Subway passengers face off against a giant centipede.”

Funny how they use the term “face off” — guess the first thing the giant centipede orders from the menu that is you?

THE CASE OF DISAPPEARANCES / Out now (YouTube™)

“A beast raids a town resulting in unexplainable murders. But what’s the mystery behind the beast?”

Better call Scooby-Doo…he’s the ONLY ONE who can solve this body-mangling mystery. Just look as his scorecard — Scoob’s never not been able to solve a paranormal puzzle once in over 50 years. He’s the Sherlock Holmes of sleuthing.

Hellraising Kids, Corpse Condo, Krisp Kringle

Posted in Classic Horror, demons, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 12, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

You’ve already been to Hell and back (some of us more often than others), so why not show your little hellraisers how to do the same? Now you can with the Shape Shifting Hellraiser Puzzle Box — for kids! 

A sort of demonic Jack-in-the-Box™, Hellraiser’s infamous Lament Configuration is used to call on Cenobites to tear your soul (and flesh and pants) apart with extra-large fishing hooks so that you may experience the ultimate pain and pleasure. (As if last call didn’t cover both.) And it’s now available at Wal-Mart™ for a wallet-piercing $25.99.

From the marketing statement: “Marketed as a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) building toy, the Hellraiser Puzzle Box can move and change shape like in the movie. It can be an educational toy to help children build self-esteem and confidence, develop spatial awareness, train memory skills, and exercise hand-eye coordination.”

Uh…wow. So cancel culture can unilaterally ban R-rated high school books, but a demonic puzzle box to summon extra-dimensional sadomasochism Goth leather demons from another realm is okay for kids? As f’d in the b-hole as this sounds, at least your child playing with the Lament Configuration is a safer than high school.

So while you’re contemplating the ramifications of your kid being able to summon flesh fetish demons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you the ultimate pain and/or pleasure…

KRAMPUS: THE RETURN / Out now (Tubi™)

“When Lisa and her friends go looking for answers behind her brother’s mysterious death, they discover he was a victim of the infamous Christmas demon.”

Yet another “Anti-Claus” movie that does little to explore the real horror of Christmas. For instance, did you know Krampus uses candy canes as rectal thermometers on kids who’ve been bad all year? I didn’t just make that up.

THE OFFERING / Out now (VOD)

“In the wake of a young Jewish girl’s disappearance, the son of a Hasidic funeral director returns home with his pregnant wife in hopes of reconciling with his father. Little do they know that directly beneath them in the family morgue, an ancient evil lurks inside a mysterious corpse with sinister plans for the unborn child.”

I suppose if I were an ancient evil (then again, I may already be), I’d totally hide out in a mysterious corpse. Seems like it’d be cozy, if not a bit sticky and freshness-expired. Don’t think I’d have sinister plans outside of discharging a couple of well-timed formaldehyde farts during funerals. That would be super fun.

NO DEJES DE GRABAR 2 / Out now (VOD)

Jonathan, a businessman who lives in Paris, decides to go to Barcelona to investigate the crimes that happened eight years ago. Along the way, he meets a mysterious man who tells him that he, too, is looking for clues. Jonathan finds himself at a crossroads full of mysteries, paranormal events and terrible situations, but nothing will stop him until he finds out the truth of what is happening in that building, now abandoned.”

The movie’s Spanish title translates to Do Not Stop Recording. Can’t tell you how many heavy metal vomit parties I attended where, after assisting with the draining of sacrificial kegs, how those exact words keep coming back to haunt me.

SHADOWS / November 15, 2022 (VOD)

“Alma and Alex, two teenage sisters, are survivors of a catastrophic event. They live deep in the woods with their mother, a strict, overprotective woman who has sheltered them from ominous presences, the Shadows, which live in the daylight and infest the world beyond the river. When they follow mother out for hunting, Alma and Alex start a series of events which will make them discover the truth about the Shadows and their own reality.”

I’ll take the Shadows over a strict mom any day. The Shadows won’t make me clean my room, finish my vegetables and do my homework. Not that I ever did what I was told, mind you. In your face, responsible parenting.

This Genie Is A Weenie

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates of HellIf you rub the box hard enough, the Genie — or “Djinn” — pops out. (Hey, I’ve been rubbing for years and…never mind.) Wishmaster 3: Beyond The Gates of Hell (2001). second sequel to a movie that sucked genie weenie, this time involving (yawn) a college full of flawlessly pretty students looking like they belong on a tube of Clearasil™, going up against the fashioned-from-evil, squinty-eyed Djinn (yawn, the sequel).

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

A supermodel-in-training chick releases the evil dude from his puzzle box condo. (Pinhead may want to have a word with the producers for totally copping his Lament Configuration.) She seems connected somehow, able to see through his eyes as he kills. Kinda like “Kill-o-Vision.” This makes her a “waker.” So the wish-granting monster needs the “waker” to make three wishes so he can open the Gates of Hell. And here all this time I thought you had to have a Costco™ card.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

The Djinn isn’t even the same one from the first two movies. Heck, he only has about three minutes of on-screen time in his get-up before he morphs into a dashing young college professor with an out-dated goatee.

Wishmaster 3: Beyond the Gates of Hell

I’ve got some wishes: I wish they’d quit making these sequels. And I wish I’d quit being suckered by the box art.

Hell In A Box

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Lament Configuration

Not getting your daily recommended allowance of pain and suffering? For $450.00 you can have an endless supply of anguish – and be the envy of the neighborhood while you’re at it.

I’m talking, of course, about owning your own limited edition Lament Configuration, that hell-ish Rubik’s Cube™ used to summon the pain/pleasure Cenobites from another dimension in the Hellraiser movies. Thing is, you really had to want to know the ultimate pain/pleasure in order to get the box to open. Apparently, my pain passion isn’t passionate enough as I own a plastic version of the Hell box and it pretty much does nothing. Goodbye $16.00 + tax.

Lament Configuration

But thanks to Clive Barker, the imagineer’r of the iconic Lament Configuration, you can get one fashioned after his own personal cube that’s been in his possession for over 25 years. From the press release: “Painstakingly molded, cast in resin and hand painted to preserve the look and patina of the original prop, each Lament Configuration is assembled in-house, onto a custom-made base and comes numbered with a Certificate of Authenticity.”

Lament Configuration

The authenticity is a big deal for me; If I shell out $450 fun fins and it doesn’t shoot out razor chains to hook my face and summon demons, then I want a remorse configuration clause in the warranty.

Here’s more info: “This item is being be pre-sold until January the 1st 2016, or to a maximum of 87 orders (which ever is reached first). No orders after this date shall be accepted. Nor shall this item be made available again. Shipping: February 2016.”

Hellraiser

Though the Lament Configuration is its Hollywood name, the puzzle portal is actually called Lemarchand’s Box, after its French designer, Philip Lemarchand. And here’s everything you’d ever want to know about going to Hell: “The  box is a mystical/mechanical device that acts as a door — or a key to a door — to another dimension or plane of existence.”

Lament Configuration

“The solution of the puzzle creates a bridge through which beings may travel in either direction across this ‘Schism.’The inhabitants of these other realms may seem demonic to humans. An ongoing debate in the film series is whether the realm accessed by the Lament Configuration is intended to be the Abrahamic version of Hell, or a dimension of endless pain and suffering that is original to the Hellraiser films.”

Wonder if I can get two of ’em?

P.S. Buy me one by clicking HERE

Meat Your Maker

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hellraiser: Inferno

A detective proficient at solving puzzles investigates a gooey murder that left the victim looking like he was processed by a juicer. This police officer, it should be noted, is a coke-sniffer, bribe taker, and a panderer of prostitutes, even though he’s married and has a kid.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Finding a Lament Configuration at the crime scene, the detective figures out how to open the Rubik’s Cube of Doom and summons the Cenobites. The creatures this time out look pretty dang cool, but there’s only three of ’em, two being twin chicks with gaping flesh wounds and partial faces. He just figures it’s a whiskey and hooker hangover, and shakes it off to look for the killer.

Hellraiser: Inferno

Lots of weirdo and surreal-o things happens, and Pinhead, the head Cenobite himself, only shows up towards the end (he had to get his nails done) and treats the steadily unraveling cop to some Hallmark™ advice. (The only thing missing is a hug.)

Hellraiser: Inferno

Dropping the whole Cenobite mythos, Hellraiser: Inferno (2000) concentrates on a dark character study rather than exploring the depths of stinking Hell. The end has a nice twist and Pinhead finally whips out the hooks and does his impression of a meat tenderizer. All said, I could do less with misbehaving humans and more with demons who can tear your shirt apart.

Hellraiser: Inferno