Archive for kung-fu

That ’80s Werewolf

Posted in Classic Horror, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Night Shadow

The 1989 werewolf movie Night Shadow has more problems than just its super lame name. In human form, the werewolf is a drifter who looks like he spent the night under a cactus along the desert highway he trolls for victims. And he never utters a single word though the entire movie and just glare stares at you until you’re hypnotized. Or bored. (Growls don’t count as words, they’re just one long syllable.)

Night Shadow

A big city news reporter gal comes back to her home town on vacation just as bodies and half-eaten parts are showing up like highway litter. Then there are three young guys who joke their way through the whole thing, all with bad mullets and mid-drift tank tops. (Those things were outdated the minute they went on sale.) The Asian member of the trio happens to be a martial arts expert (and motel fix-it dude) and Bruce Lees several bikers who are trying to have a romantic moment with a screaming biker chick in one of the rooms.

Night Shadow

What does this have to do with the werewolf? I’m still trying to figure that out. And speaking of, the woolly bully makes his first fully formed moment one hour and seven minutes into the 90 minute flick. When he makes with the fur, he looks like a sheep that needs to be sheared.

Night Shadow

The werewolf in human form has been staying at the roadside motel and stalking the big city girl, attempting to put her under his leash. (When he stares long enough, lightning bolts flash around his eyes. Wish I could do that. Then I’d be a millionaire or something.) He keeps maggot covered body parts snacks in the dresser where neatly folded clothes and/or local magazines go.

Night Shadow

The local sheriff, whose hot for the city chick (they almost smooched, for cryin’ out loud), ends up in a face off with the werewolf in an abandoned warehouse. The kung-fu kid, who was being blamed for all the maggot-y chew bones, comes to the aid of the sheriff, whose deep in the doghouse with this non-speaking wolf-man.

Night Shadow

Painful ‘80s hairstyles, day-glo clothing, Valley girl dialogue, and overly furry werewolf costume. Night Shadow is totally fer sure non-bombdigity.

Asian Zombie Vampires

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

When you stop whatever it is you’re doing and watch Tsui Hark’s Vampire Hunters (aka, The Era of Vampires/2002), a made-in-Hong-Kong period piece (ancient 19th Century days), you’re gonna learn some things about vampires and zombies that you never knew.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

First, vampires and zombies are one in the same. Crazy talk, I know. But when a person dies and is buried in a p*ssed off state of mind, that anger energy festers and reanimates your death bod. When you come out of the grave and go on an “all the flesh you can eat” binge, then you change into a vampire. It should be noted that while in zombie and vampire mode, your face looks like deceased meatloaf. And the only thing that goes with that is human ketchup. (Note: In zombie form, you can still be “cured” with coffin wood powder. I think you can get it at GNC™.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Along with their master, four kung fu disciples — Rain, Lightning, Thunder, and Wind (graduates from the Taoist Mao Shan School of Magic) and a gaggle of disposable soldiers — tirelessly roam the land for zombie vampires. They do this at night because vampires look cooler after the sun goes down. Doesn’t take long to find one — and it just happens to be general of some recognition. The combative thing shoots out of the ground, flies around, and sucks blood right out of your proprietary orifices — from a foot away! Wish my vacuum cleaner had that kind of sucking power.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

Someone screws up (looking in your direction disposable solider #6), resulting in a huge explosion due to methane gas turning the air explosive. This made everyone think Master Jing (It rhymes with ‘blaster zing”) was barbecued. (He wasn’t, but got separated from the tour.) Now it’s on, with the band, whose descendants I think formed Earth, Wind & Fire, tracking errant vampires, all the while meeting chicks, finding gold and living up to their frat pledge: “Turn it up I can’t hear, more chicks more beer!” Okay, that was my frat motto — and I didn’t even go to college. Heh.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The House of Jiang is rich and loaded with gold that everybody keeps trying to steal. And there’s zombies in the basement. The Jiangs have been preserving their departed loved ones in wax and keeping them around the house like objet d’art. You can see where this is going. Master Jiang turns out to be an extremely accomplished vampire with car exhaust breath, and engages in an epic, gory, kung-fu acrobatic, sword slicing, hi-flying battle with the gang and their reunited master. (His explanation as to why he’s been gone all these months is pretty funny.)

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

The fight takes an unexpected turn when sticks of dynamite are introduced to the mix. But it’s the last shot of 100 (maybe there was 97) zombies in the basement that sets up a sequel that either never happened or I didn’t see. What’s the difference? In all, an entertaining waste of time.

Tsui Hark's Vampire Hunters

GoD is a Helluva GaL

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Death Trance

So the coffin everyone seeks in the Asian horror/fantasy flick Death Trance (2006) is reputed to either grant your wildest wishes or release the Goddess of Destruction. Guess which one this does?

Death Trance

An ancient Asian duplex/temple where the coffin has been baby-sat for years, is stolen by a martial arts expert who defends his prize by kicking everyone in the face. A wussy monk from the Tougan Temple has been tasked with bringing the coffin back and is given a sword, that when unsheathed, will help put back in the box whatever/whomever is let out.

Death Trance

Along the journey into the Forest of the Face-Kicks (that’s what I’m calling it, anyway), another guy seeking the coffin shows up to kick people in the face. Then a chick arrives who does pretty much the same thing. By the time the coffin is opened and the Goddess of Destruction is let loose to wreck everything, you’re left wondering what the point was to all of this. I was unable to figure it out — and I have a high school degree.

Death Trance

Lots of face kicking and ninja action. The GoD (oh, hey — I just got that abbreviation — thank you high school degree) lays waste to everything, but not before doing battle with the guy who stole the coffin in the first place. He got his wish. Can you figure out what it was? Only if you have the proper schooling accreditation. Like me.

Kung fu Scarecrow

Posted in Evil, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , on June 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Scarecrow

Scarecrow (2002) is YET ANOTHER horror movie to use the Carrie (1976) theme of an outcast student who obtains supernatural powers to exact terrifying revenge on those that made fun of him and/or wouldn’t invite him to any of their heavy metal vomit parties.

Scarecrow

The twist here is that the kid gets killed to death by his white trash mom’s new drunk boyfriend (who, just moments before, was porking ’ol mom in the trailer), and comes back reincarnated as a wisecracking scarecrow. Makes sense. As the protector of all things corn-on-the-cob, the scarecrow hacks and chops his enemies to mulch. [Insert yawn here.]

Scarecrow

Where they really dropped the melon is by giving the scarecrow acrobatic skills; he jumps and flips around as if an extra in a kung fu movie. That, and they didn’t make him very tall. Even his mom – who is horizontal most of the time – is bigger than he is. You’d think Scarecrow would stuff his shoes with all that straw he has laying around. Worse, the puns he cracks before each kill are more tired than the plot.

Scarecrow

The only scares this scarecrow delivers are to the crows that would crap on his crops.

They Call Him Mr. Vampire

Posted in Asian Horror, Classic Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Mr. Vampire 2

Mr. Vampire (not his real name) and his Two Stooges assistants, dig up an ancient tomb, looking to steal its contents. They find a vampire husband, wife and child, who all come back to life, thanks to the bumbling antics of the two assistants who need a solid front kick to the rice bag.

Mr. Vampire 2

That’s pretty much it for Mr. Vampire 2 (1986). Stupid comic bits, over-choreographed kung-fu fights and pratfalls, and those dumb hopping vampires.

Mr. Vampire 2

Throat-ripping and blood? Not a severed vein or crimson neck leak to be found. Mr. Vampire, you are hereby relieved of your duties.

People Pot Pies

Posted in Asian Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on September 25, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

We’re Going To Eat You

A small, turn-of-the-Century Japanese village is populated by cannibals. They trap wayward travelers, tie them to tables, then cut them in half with saws made for logging. The bloody-yet-delicious pieces are then divided up between the two clans that comprise the non-vegetarian town.

We’re Going To Eat You

The Chief of Security, though, always hogs most of the savory chunks for him and his staff, as well as his hot skank who has a taste for human hearts. There’s a joke in there somewhere. Anyone caught trying to leave the village to notify the police becomes soup du jour. And the meat-hungry villagers clamor for more.

We’re Going To Eat You

Hearing tales about this “human buffet,” Agent 999 travels there to add his own recipe to their menu: a knuckle sandwich. This is good because 999’s a kung-fu master and applies his lightning-quick pie hole kicks to quite a few pie holes.

We’re Going To Eat You

That’s pretty much it – a human chop shop with LOTS of grisly gore and LOTS of slick martial arts. This may sound like an oxymoron, but We’re Going To Eat You (1980) is also fun. But with cannibals AND kung-fu, you already knew that.