Space Clowns, Werewolves, Giant Ants

Too bad I can’t make photocopies of myself so I can watch all these new horror movies at the same time. I looked at some of those fancy pants 3D printers on eBay™, but I’m better off developing a split personality than shelling out mega fun coupons for those cool but financially out of reach machines.

KILLYJOY’S PSYCHO CIRCUS (out now)
“Killjoy, the demon clown and his gruesome crew — Batty Boop, Punchy and Freakshow — have finally made it to Earth. Killjoy has settled in and is starring in his own web series called Psycho Circus. But two years down the road, Killjoy discovers that life here on Earth is a drag, filled with inconveniences such as eating, breathing, taxes, immigration and mortal sex.”

The pop rock ensemble KISS released an album called Psycho Circus back in 1998. Killyjoy (also wearing clown makeup) felt it was okay to steal the name for his movie. It is not. Nevertheless, this is the fourth sequel in a budget-restrained franchise, which began with Killjoy (2000), Killjoy 2: Deliverance from Evil (2002), Killjoy 3 (2010) and Killjoy Goes To Hell (2012). P.S. Killjoy is guilty of more intellectual property theft: the movie rips off its name from Jason Goes To Hell: The Final Friday (1993). Also, they took their kicker line from the 1974 Emerson, Lake & Palmer album. I should be a lawyer.

DON’T F#CK IN THE WOODS (out now)
“A group of friends are going on a camping trip to celebrate graduating college. But once they enter the woods, the proverbial sh*t hits the fan!”

Of all the things you shouldn’t do in the woods, sex isn’t one of ‘em. Unless you don’t want deer ticks crawling up your outgoing mail chute. While DFITW is currently available for your voyeuristic viewing pleasure, it also comes in an “extremely limited” big box VHS format (for $40). That’s pretty dang cool. Just don’t watch it in the woods while you’re having sex. Keep your eyes on the prize.

AMERICAN BEAST (aka, Solitude, Beast of Prey / January 3, 2017)
“After his mother’s death, James Erikson discovers her old storage locker filled with journals and newspapers of his family’s history. As he researches it, he finds out about the evil that his family has tried to contain for several generations, beginning in 1939 on a mysterious piece of property in a small town called Solitude.”

Um, Superman might have issues with you calling your town Solitude when he’s been wiping “S” in the Fortress of Solitude since moving out of his step-parents’ house. Looks like someone’s a werewolf in American Beast, if you’re judging this movie by its cover. Too bad they went with the claw — it’s been used before. Several times in fact…

IT CAME FROM THE DESERT (2017)
It Came From The Desert is and independent sequel to legendary video game by Cinemaware™. The film is set to modern time, 60 years after the original game’s happenings.”

Giant ants in the desert. I liked it better when it was called Them! (1954)

Cut-up Clowns

Clown horror has been around as long as there have been clowns. As of late it seems this odd horror sub-genre is making another honk-honk bid for your circus coupons with the imminent release of Clowntown (2016) and the re-boot of Stephen King’s long-winded mini-series, It (2017) and its painted protagonist, Pennywise, a seriously f’d up downtown clown. And if you haven’t seen it, check out Eli Roth’s Clown (2016). That one is double f’d up – in a good way.

Clowntown, arriving September 2016 on all formats (except eight-track), goes to the hoop with this: “This is story of a group of friends who get stranded in a seemingly abandoned town and find themselves stalked by a gang of violent psychopaths dressed as clowns. It is loosely inspired by the clowns who terrorized Bakersfield, California, in 2014.”

I heard about that Bakersfield thing and thought it was a publicity stunt for a traveling circus. Unfortunately, it was for real – the clowns were running around scaring people. Those juvenile jesters should get the death penalty, or worse – a frowning of a lifetime.

My first exposure to prime time clowns came in the form of Bozo The Clown, a Saturday morning kid’s show icon. Never bought into his business model as I couldn’t understand why a grown man would put on a day-glo fright wig, paint his face white, and have a rubber ball for a nose. Then I discovered beer and answered my own question.

I’ve seen a lot of horror clown movies and they’re all pretty much the same and can be put in the slasher category. Some of them are memorable (the Killjoy series), The rest hit and miss. Mostly miss.

But for my carnival cash there are only two clowns that rock my world. First up is the super scary Twisty, from the fourth season American Horror Story: Freak Show. He’s so f’d up, he’ll make you crap someone else’s pants.

But for pure hilariousness, I’m going with Down-O: The World’s Most Depressed Clown. The kicker: He can only get it up when a chick hits him in the face with a pie. To call that less than brilliant would be a huge injustice. (FYI: No photo provided as Down-O doesn’t like getting his picture taken. But trust me, it’s funnier than a rubber nose.)