Archive for Kansas

Midwest Ghosts

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 3, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sightings: Heartland Ghost

Sightings: Heartland Ghost (2002) is based on an actual incident on one of those super dumb ghosthunter shows: A young married couple with a kid move into a dilapidated many-roomed estate in Kansas with the intention to fix it and flip it for profitable gain. But the place is plagued by a ghost that keeps moving their young son’s toys around. Good — everyone keeps tripping over ‘em.

Sightings: Heartland Ghost

Freaked out, the wife calls Sightings, a paranormal TV show, to videotape their toys being moved around. A medium shows up to give the show some authenticity, representing real-life polter-guy, Peter James, whose mustache is so outlandishly otherworldly, ghosts are actually drawn to it.

Peter James

He says there is the spirit of a six-year-old girl in the house and that she’s wearing clothes not from Sears™ or J.C. Penney’s™, but rather from an earlier century clothing store (probably Really Old Navy™). But there’s a mean ghost in the house, too, and its making scratch marks on dad.

Sightings: Heartland Ghost

As the tedious story unfolds, the house owner’s black slave underwear model knocked up his wife. He kills everyone, even his little girl, thinking she did not spring from his loins as previously thought. That’s pretty much it.

Sightings: Heartland Ghost

As ghost stories go, this — without hyperbole — is one of the worst in the history of the world. The special effects don’t even try to be special, and there’s no build-up of suspense or ectoplasm on kitchen counter tops. The female ghost tries to give hubby a reach-around and leaves a hand print on his thigh. (That’s nothing — I leave hand prints on my thighs all the time. Kinda fun, too.) No ghosts, no action, no way. I could grow a haunted mustache and be scarier than this movie.

Werewolf Centerfold

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wolfhound

Shortly upon arriving in Wolfshead, Scotland to inherit his parent’s rural shack, a writer is shadowed by big, stinky dogs that look like they were playing fetch with a can of 30-weight. One of the mutts morphs into a fully naked Playboy playmate (Julie Cialini, 1995 centerfold) who wants to have lots of non-explicit sex with him.

Wolfhound

All the locals have Scottish accents, except Julie, who sounds like a Kansas cheerleader. You don’t notice it much as she’s naked all the time. That counts.

Wolfhound

As the call of the wild gets louder, the writer discovers the whole village is a community of shape-shifters (discount paranormal creatures). Most turn into dirty sheep herding dogs, others into crows. None, it needs to be noted, can turn into a Blockbuster Video™ refund receipt.

Wolfhound

The town’s alpha male gets in a pissing match with the writer in one of the lamest bar fight scenes ever filmed. (I thought James Bond the only one who could get punched in the face 60 or 70 times and not so much as have his hair ruffled.)

Wolfhound

Wolfhound (2002) has no starring role for blood, suspense, or mouth on throat dissecting. Not even Julie’s 38-29-32 inhibitions can heal the wounds of shame incurred for renting this dud.

Weathering Horror

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , , on March 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Into The Storm

I haven’t seen a good horror disaster flick since the video of my last proctology exam. And the ad poster for Into The Storm, in theaters August 8, 2014, brings back less than fond memories of being probed by Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund.

Okay, T.M.I.

Anyway, a psuedo docu-horror movie about really mean tornadoes chewing up the countryside is right up my alley. Um, that didn’t sound right. Here’s what’s coming down the chute (crap, what is wrong with me today?):

“In the span of a single day, the town of Silverton is ravaged by an unprecedented onslaught of tornadoes. Storm trackers predict the worst is yet to come. Most people seek shelter, while others run towards the vortex, testing how far a storm chaser will go for that once-in-a-lifetime shot.”

“Told through the eyes and lenses of professional storm chasers, thrill-seeking amateurs, and courageous townspeople, Into the Storm throws you directly into the eye of the storm to experience Mother Nature at her most extreme.”

Extreme Mother Naturing brings nothing but bad news, starting with the first ever documented tornado back in 1937, which disintegrated cornfields, turned cows into hamburgers, and poured down upon us a reign of witches all over rural Kansas.

It could be worse. We might share doctors.

Wizard of Oz

Goth Airlines

Posted in Science Fiction, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 9, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Satan death metal thrash Goth rocker Slade Craven is performing a concert – in the cargo hold aboard a 747 commercial flying machine. This means the cockpit is now the mosh pit. The first-ever airborne heavy metal gig is also being simulcast on the Internet, or “world wide web.”

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Shortly after take-off the show begins, with Craven looking like a cross between Marilyn Manson and that white-faced vampire thing in Subspecies (1991). In the background, a law-pursued hacker manages to hack his way into the web TV’s mainframe to watch the concert for free. (I totally bet it was my neighbor.)

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

During the show something goes wrong besides the concept; Craven shoots the pilot – and personal baggage is NOT stored safely in the overhead compartment. Seems an imposter Craven – a real devil-worshipper – is hijacking the plane with the plan to crash it into a specific church in Kansas, reputed to be the gateway to Hell, thereby letting out all the stink demons. (No wonder Dorothy wanted out of that town so bad.)

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

The hacker sees all of this on his screen, as does the FBI, and the race is on to save a plane load of really stupid-looking Goth rocker fans from a fate they deserve for dressing so stupid.

Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal

Wild twists and cool shifts in plotting turn this preposterous premise into a real headbanger. At the very least, no one can accuse Turbulence 3: Heavy Metal (2001) of being clichéd. FYI: The ending is worth three times the DVD rental. I won’t spoil it so as to not ruin your heavy metal dreams. And hey, death metal songs to sing along with!