Paranormal Polygon, Tree Monsters, God Gun

According to theologians, the Bermuda Triangle, also known as the Devil’s Triangle, is a region in the western part of the North Atlantic Ocean where more than 50 ships and 20 airplanes are said to have mysteriously disappeared. Reasons range from Stargates to Aliens, giant sea monsters to religion gone wild. But now, according to Australian scientist Karl Kruszelnicki, we can all now stop making waves: The loss and disappearance of ships and planes is a mere fact of probabilities. And we should believe an Australian scientist. After all, they invented kangaroos.

In a myth-crushing article recently published on PopularMechanics.com, Kruszelnicki says, “the sheer volume of traffic — in a tricky area to navigate, no less — shows the number of ships and planes that go missing in the Bermuda Triangle is the same as anywhere in the world on a percentage basis.” He says that both Lloyd’s of London™ — the world’s leading insurance market — and the U.S. Coast Guard support that idea. (Note of interest: Lloyd’s of London™ has had this same theory since the 1970s.)

Fairly unremarkable given how many movies/documentaries were made about the paranormal polygon. Should you be predisposed to swim down this path, here are a few recommendations: Death Ship (1980), Triangle (2009), Bermuda Triangle Revealed: The Devil’s Graveyard (2014), and Drain The Bermuda Triangle (2014). 

While you’re deciding if you give a screaming theory or not about “science” and “facts”, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have kangaroos in ’em…

OUTPOST / May 19, 2023 (Theaters)

“After a violent attack, a woman searches for strength in the solitude of a lookout job the mountains of Northern Idaho, but is overwhelmed by something darker.”

Having a job as a lookout would be awesome. For one thing, you could prove beyond a shadow of a doubt if bears crap in the woods. Until now, it’s only been a topic of speculation.

POLLEN / June 6, 2023 (VOD)

“After a senior coworker assaults a bright-eyed young woman, her dream job becomes a living nightmare as she tries to keep her career together while being tormented at work, at home, and in her dreams by a mysterious tree monster.”

Tree monsters are the worst. Why can’t they more like the tree creatures (aka, Ents) in Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)? It’d be fun to hang out with one of those guys. And if a Frisbee™ got stuck in its branches, he’d get it down for you. That is beyond cool. 

GOD IS A BULLET / June 23, 2023 (Theaters)

“Detective Bob Hightower finds his ex-wife murdered and his daughter kidnapped by an insidious cult. Bob takes matters into his own hands and infiltrates the secretive cult to try to save his daughter. With the help of the cult’s only female victim escapee, Case Hardin, Bob and Case go down the rabbit hole with The Ferryman to save his daughter and find closure for Case from the cult – and its maniacal leader — that took so much away from her.”

If God is the bullet, then is religion the gun?

DON’T GET IN THE CAR / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“In the dead of night in Los Angeles, a woman is forced to complete errands in a 1960s Lincoln Continental if she wants to survive the night and save the ones she loves.”

Remember when you were a kid and your mom always said to not get into a car driven by strangers? I have two words for that: Uber™ and Lyft™.

Social Media Demons, Slashing Santas, Shower Power

New teaser art for the upcoming season three of Ash vs. Evil Dead, one of the fun/funniest/goriest shows on the ‘ol  Magnavox™. The 10-episode season launches on Sunday, February 25, 2018 at 9PM ET/PT on Starz™. Sunday’s are usually my night to stay in and wash my hair. But I can out it off for a week to see Ash buzz through demons with his chainsaw arm.

From the press release: “Ash vs Evil Dead Season 3 finds Ash’s status in Elk Grove, Michigan has changed from murderous urban legend to humanity-saving hometown hero. When Kelly witnesses a televised massacre with Ruby’s fingerprints all over it, she returns with a new friend to warn Ash and Pablo that evil isn’t done with them yet. Blood is thicker than water in the battle of good vs Evil Dead!”

While we impatiently wait five more months, here are a few just released/upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not lube your chainsaw, metaphorical or otherwise…

BnB HELL (available now)
“A young woman’s hunt for her missing sister ends at a rundown bed and breakfast in the Hollywood Hills run by an ill-tempered woman called Mommy. Disturbing messages left by former guests suggest unsettling secrets lay buried there.”

Was only a matter of time before the BnB craze became the framework for horror. Already done using the Uber™/Lyft™ model with Ryde (2017): “Technology brings us closer. Or perhaps it brings strangers a little too close. But how much can you really trust someone? With a new ride share service, you never know who you’ll be getting in a car with. Or if you’ll ever get out.” Not a good way to get tips or a clickable star rating. Still, better than the city bus and/or taxis.

DEVIL’S NIGHT (available now/VOD)
“Daniel, a charismatic teen from a broken home, wants nothing more than to get out of the trailer park. After scraping together just enough money to buy a video camera, he begins making YouTube™ videos in the hope that his antics will lead him to a better life. But when his videos fail to catch on and all his friends leave for college, Daniel’s left all alone. Undeterred, he discovers an old documentary about a serial killer who brutally murdered seven people in a satanic sacrifice not too far from his hometown. Thinking this might be his last chance for success, he decides to film a video in the killer’s house, only to summon an evil worse than anything he could have possibly imagined.”

Good idea — go into a killer’s house of evil with a camera. There’s a reason demons don’t take selfies. And since when are dumbass antics broadcast on social media a career path? Teens be dumb.

78/52 (October 13, 207)
“An unprecedented look at the iconic shower scene in Alfred Hitchcock’s Psycho (1960), the ‘man behind the curtain,’ and the screen murder that profoundly changed the course of world cinema.”

They’re correct — that one scene, which even has college courses dedicated to it, all but defined modern horror movies, scream queens, slashers and screechy violin music. I once had a Psycho shower scene shirt — it read: “Wash all of life’s problems down the drain.” That’s not just funny, but LOL funny.

APOCALYPSE CULT (October, 2017/VOD/DVD)
“While investigating the legend of a mysterious group of people living in the forest, a local news crew comes across an all-too-real doomsday cult. Trapped in their grasp, the news crew must find a way to escape before they execute their final act of devotion.”

This one actually came out in Australia, home of giant bouncing rabbits, back in 2014. Don’t know why it took so long to get here in the States. Maybe the Land Down Under was dealing with their plague of kid-eating dingos and mosh pit razorbacks. That’s a  good excuse as any. Note to self: plan vacation to Australia and taunt nature after drinking multiple cans of XXXX Gold 12.4% beer.

ONCE UPON A TIME AT CHRISTMAS (December 12, 2017/DVD)
“Meet Santa and Mrs. Claus: he’s a one-eyed fiend, she’s a curvy, bat-swinging blonde. This serial killer couple is terrorizing the holidays in an upstate New York town with a series of horrific homicides. Though the victims seem random — a mall Santa, a smooching couple, an innocent family — high-schooler Jennifer and clever cop Sam begin to unravel the sinister pattern behind the slayings. Can they stop the murders before Christmas comes — and there’s no one left to celebrate?”

Diggin’ the twist: Santa and his dame are serial killers. But I have a few questions: like how many gangsta elves are in their employ? Does this mean their getaway car is a reindeer-fueled sled? Are candy canes used as stabby tools of the trade? Can’t wait for Christmas.

Alien Walkie-Talkie, Alaskan Ghosts, Chick Werewolf

“If these are intelligent beings from outer space, they couldn’t be too intelligent if they’re visiting the planet Earth.”

Truer words were never spoken. This statement comes from the 1978 documentary, UFO Journals, which is (and this is gonna sound oxymoronic), one of the more weird and wackified treatments of the flying saucer phenomenon.

It starts with some narrator yappin’ bible verses, then goes into a bunch of stock footage of NASA rockets, then — and these are my two favorite parts — a guy with impeccably blow-dried and styled hair going into an eye-rolling trance and channeling communications from an alien in a different solar system. And he does it with a cartoon-y robotic voice. Then there’s a New Age spiritual guide who whips out a harmonica and a shot glass and entertains us with his skills while we contemplate WTF it is we’re watching. This is on Amazon Prime™ in case you need more wackified fulfillment about UFOs in your robotic, restricted-to-Earth life.

And speaking of things to enlighten you, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies/TV shows to channel on your channel…

THREE TEARS ON BLOODSTAINED FLESH (August 8, 2017/DVD)
“A man with a dark past returns to bury his niece Lexie. Dragging his troubled daughter Kendall, he simultaneously reunites with his estranged sister, Stella and reignites a past rivalry with the corrupt town sheriff. Dominic begins digging around the town, and uncovers the town’s dark secrets, which include a mysterious cult, a supernatural curse, a masked killer, and a very high body count.”

Reunite and reignite. Maybe the masked killer is a pyromaniac. Wondering what the supernatural curse could be? Maybe it’s because the guy buried his niece before she quit breathing the town’s dark secret air.

RED CHRISTMAS (October 17, 2017/Limited/VOD)
“The stressed-out mother of a squabbling family are gathered together in a remote Outback estate on Christmas Eve. When a mysterious, deformed young man named Cletus appears at their door, things soon change from petty insults to bloody, imaginatively orchestrated violence as she attempts to protect her family from the vengeful intruder. The film deliriously infuses comedy, dark family secrets with outlandish gore and adds the always controversial subject of abortion in its blood-stained mix.”

Wow, they actually named someone Cletus. I guess when you live in the remote Outback, you do whatever honks your didgeridoo. I like the outlandish gore part, though. It better not involve kangaroos (the locals call them “‘roos”). Those things can eat your face right off your face.

GHOST WARS (SyFy Channel/2017)
“Set in a remote Alaskan town that has been overrun by paranormal forces, the series focuses on local outcast Roman Mercer who must overcome the town’s prejudices and his own personal demons if he’s to harness his repressed psychic powers and save everyone from the mass haunting that’s threatening to destroy them all.”

While I do like the title of this series, the trailer looks very paranormal stock and doesn’t really sell one on the subject. Maybe if they added a kangaroo…

BETSY (2018)
“After surviving a vicious assault in the city, Betsy moves to the country in hopes of starting over, but as she begins to recover, something begins clawing its way into the moonlight.”

They give it away with “clawing” and “moonlight”; Betsy is a raccoon! Man, I feel sorry for anyone who tries to pet her. Those things will eat your hand right off your hand.