X-Files Anniversary, Demonic Kids Games, Zombie Baby-Making

Talk about finding the Holy Grail of sci-fi TV series — 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment™ is issuing all 11 seasons/218 episodes of The X-Files on DVD/Blu-ray box set on October 15, 2018 to commemorate the pop culture phenomenon’s 25th anniversary. Now you can binge watch (take the week off from work) all those elusive flying saucers, aliens, monsters, demonic stuff, and subsequent government conspiracies. That’s the good news. The bad news is its only available (for now) in England. Blimey!

Yeah, there’s been X-Files box sets before, the last one released a few years ago and only went to Season 10. At $148.00 for the Blu-ray collection and $119.00 for the DVD set, it was still a bargain at twice the price. The only drag is that the new box set contains 59 discs; Trying to find a particular episode in a sea of shows seems unduly laborious (sorry — word of the day calendar).

So while you click on over to Amazon.co.uk to buy it ($117.00 in U.S. converted dollars), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worthy of a Fox Muldar/Dana Scully investigation…

LIGHT AS A FEATHER (October 12, 2018/Hulu)
“An innocent game of ‘Light as a Feather, Stiff as a Board’ goes wrong when the five teen girls who played start dying off in the exact way that was predicted, forcing the survivors to figure out why they’re being targeted — and whether the evil force hunting them down is one of their own.”

Light as a feather, stiff as a board. Sounds more like a wishful health condition than a game. If it’s pure evil they’re looking for, those girls should start playing Twister™, the Exorcist edition.

WELCOME TO MERCY (November 2, 2018)
“A young woman struggles against the unholy forces that possess her in this terrifying occult thriller. After being stricken with stigmata, single mother Madaline is sent to a remote convent where nothing is what it seems and her friend August is seemingly the only person she can trust. Together, they must confront the demons inside Madaline before she becomes the Antichrist.”

Wikipedia™ defines stigmata as a term used in Christian Mysticism to describe the manifestations of bodily wounds, scars and pain in locations corresponding to the crucifixion wounds of Jesus Christ, such as the hands, wrists, and feet. My bartender defines it as falling into sharp sticker bushes while wobbling home unholy drunk.

MAIL ORDER MONSTER (November 6, 2018)
“12-year-old Sam Pepper lost her mother in a car accident and her reclusive, quirky nature makes her an easy target for bullying. Realizing she’d had enough, Sam orders the parts to build a ‘Monster’ from a comic book ad, and is finally able to get back at the bully. Life becomes gets more complicated when Sam discovers her father Roy proposes to his girlfriend Sydney, Pepper relies on her monster to keep her from getting a new mom.”

Comic book back page ads in my day only sold stuff like X-Ray glasses (didn’t work), live Seamonkeys (didn’t float), Kryptonite “rocks” (regular rocks painted green) and Space Shoes for $1.98 (still wearing ‘em).

ZOO (2018/2019)
“Karen and John have lost the spark of married life the day they were notified that they were unable to conceive. Now they almost live like the walking dead, imprisoned by everyday life and on the verge of divorce. When the world is hit by a pandemic that really turns people into zombies, the couple have to lock themselves in their apartment, waiting for rescue. While the world outside is falling apart, they are forced to find their way back to each other and reclaim their lost love.”

Stuck indoors while zombies are taking over outside and nothing to do but practice making babies? This doesn’t sound like a dark horror comedy but rather…THE BEST MOVIE IN THE WORLD!

Wolf-Man For President

Jack Whittier, the President’s aide, is sent to Hungary for no other reason that it’s there. While making his way back to the airport to get the hell out of that smell-infested country, his car is run off the road and he’s bitten by a wolf, which we later find out was a gosh-darn werewolf.

Once back in Washington, Jack turns into a marauding, suit-wearing lycanthrope and kills a few people that probably deserved it. (One attack has him on top of a woman’s car at a brightly-lit gas station. Fortunately, no one saw him.)

As luck would have it there are five nights of full moons. Jack’s gooning out and trying to tell everyone he’s the werewolf in the news that’s been biting people. No one believes him. I do, though. When he changes into a silver-haired werewolf in his apartment, he crawls around on all fours and bites the lamp. That’s OK – it was probably a stupid lamp.

In a really confusing plot deviation, wolfman Jack (Hey, I just got that!) makes his way into the White House basement where he encounters the dwarf, Dr. Kiss (no relation to the popular musical ensemble) who’s been experimenting on bodies. Jack sniffs the doctor’s butt and licks his face. This causes the doc to laugh, even though it probably wasn’t in the script.

And speaking of, there are so many laughably bad scenes in The Werewolf of Washington (1973), you have to see it to believe it. Great dialogue, too, as Jack, who’s been boinking the President’s daughter, tells her with a straight face, “I think your father is a cross between Abe Lincoln and Jesus Christ.” Man, you can’t even write lines that good anymore.

The President swears numerous times and eventually gets bitten by Jack. Let’s just say the Pentagon is now the Pentagram. Heh.