Archive for Jennifer Ellison

Inner Demons, Outer Ghosts, Rock Gods

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 20, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Demon Inside

Quite happy to see riveting TV series The Exorcist and Gotham getting renewed second and fourth seasons respectively. Still hoping the SyFy Channel™ continues with Channel Zero. That one was quite couch gluer. This comes amid news that TV stations are canceling shows left and right. Why don’t you just cut off my blood supply, you numbers-crunching douchebags?

While we wait to see who else makes the chopping block, here’s a few just-released and upcoming horror movies to take your mind off the cancellation of Emerald City after one season instead of YET ANOTHER season of the weak Fear of the Walking Dead, which has been a mixed laundry load mess from episode one..

THE DEMON INSIDE (available now/VOD)
“Years after his release from jail, Sam Parsons is trying to build his life with his wife Courtney and their young daughter Harper. He works hard to provide for his family and afford their beautiful home in their quiet suburban neighborhood. When supernatural occurrences start to happen in the house, Sam fears for the safety of his wife and daughter. When the occurrences turn into attacks, Sam hires Corbin Carlysle and his reality TV show ghost hunting team known as ‘The Ghost Killers’ to help him battle the dark entity that’s lurking in the shadows of his home. To win this fight Sam must battle his own inner demons and revert back to his violent past. In order to save the ones he loves, a Demon must face a Demon.”

Inner demon versus outer demon. That’s like trying to suppress a fart in church as opposed to someone sitting next to you in said holy structure just falling shy of crapping his/her pants. (Guess that’s why they call ‘em “pews.”) Probably a her, though. Lady flatulence may be perfume fragrant, but dang are they funny.

The Lost Case

THE LOST CASE (available now/VOD)
The Lost Case is a found footage horror film based on a popular television show, Ghost Doctor TV. With a first-person perspective, the audience gets to see the story first-hand through the eyes of the show production crews, Itt and Por.”

Only a ghost hunting team would be made up of people with names like Itt” and “Por.” Can’t get real jobs with names like that, not even at Kinkos™, who will hire street kids with pink hair. They should’ve stuck with Ghost Doctor TV as the title, though. A proctology exam conducted by a medically-trained poltergeist would be a LOT less invasive.

Killswitch

KILLSWITCH (available now/VOD)
“A military experiment to harness unlimited energy goes horribly awry, leaving a pilot with no choice but to fight through an imploding world to save his family and the planet itself.”

Don’t let the bland press release fool you. This one looks to be a real earth-burner, what with the world exploding/imploding (same thing) and such. Glad I don’t live there,

Griffin's Ghost

GRIFFIN’S GHOST (2017)
Griffin Kidder is a career New Yorker with a strong yearning to be a mother. Ready to start a peaceful life outside the city, Griffin and her construction-savvy husband purchase a dilapidated house to renovate, only to discover the suburban home already has residents: a scarred family of apparitions.”

Hide And Seek

Serviceable if not stock ghost story. However, I do take issue with the key art, which looks a heckuva lot like 2005’s Hide And Seek. I swear, sometimes I have the associative recognizance of a beaver or community college educated lemur.

A Beginner's Guide To Snuff

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE TO SNUFF (June 16, 2017)
“Two brothers kidnap an actress, torture her, and make her think she is going to die.”

The trailer is hilarious, which makes me think this is a family comedy with swear words. It also echoes 2008’s British horror comedy The Cottage, with the stunningly multi attractive Jennifer Ellison turning the tables on her dumbass captors. Say what you will about supermodels — when cornered, they can really kick some arse.

Chris Cornell

Cottage In The Woods

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , on August 8, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Cottage

It started out as a standard, f’d up “kidnapping for ransom” dealie by two bumbling British brothers hiding out in a rural cottage with the foul-mouthed niece of a strip club owner. The events take a superbly grim turn halfway in when a farmer, wearing timeless overalls and whose face was hopelessly mangled from a farming accident (he must’ve stepped on a rake), shows up to do a little harm on the farm.

The Cottage

The wicked, wet-yourself humor is as dark as the farmer’s shed, where a collection of rotting heads is kept on the shelves. (Apparently, he doesn’t take kindly to city folk. I don’t either, those snobs.)

The Cottage

The kidnapping itself is funnier than all get out, with the busty blonde chick managing to break the nose of one of the brothers with several amazing headbutts – while her hands were tied behind her back! (She should try out for the WWE.)

The Cottage

When the farmer finally comes up out of the basement, this thing gets double crazy fun with a foot being severed, a head being cut in half, a pick-axe to the upper femur area, neck slicing… “This is the worst night of my life,” screams one kidnapper, who ends up with a broken nose, jaw, glasses and half his foot (with sock) missing. The last one standing, he makes the mistake of trying to escape through the basement where… Not gonna tell you, but it’s classic.

The Cottage

The Cottage (2008) has been described as Fargo (1996) meets Friday the 13th (1980). I could’ve come up with something just as accurate, but I choose not to do so at this time. So there.

The Cottage

P.S. Do not confuse this The Cottage with the other The Cottage made in 2012. Something about a rental property and tenant gone bad. Thankfully, I did not watch it because it sounds generically sucko.