Archive for jellyfish

Water-Proof UFOs

Posted in Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sphere

A gigantic UFO is discovered in the middle of the ocean. Actually, under the middle of the ocean. It’s determined that the spaceship, which is the size of downtown Manhattan, has been there for 288 years, give or take a work week. A team of specialists has been called in to see what up. Transported via a mini-sub several miles beneath the surface, the military has already built an aqua habitat, so that they may study and blog about the UFO.

Sphere

All the scientists put on high-pressure swim-suits and find their way into the spacecraft. That’s weird—there are recycling bins and uneaten packs of Smokehouse Almonds™ laying around. They find the ship’s log and, upon playing it back, discover the craft experienced an “unknown event,” which looks like they got sucked into a Black Hole. (Holes don’t come in any other color except black.) Exploring further, they find a gigantic gold sphere, the surface of which undulates and looks like rich man’s bath water. It doesn’t do anything except float. All that trouble and expense to find it, and the darn thing just sits there. Stupid aliens. Or are they?

Sphere

A binary message transmitted from the UFO is translated and they’re being greeted by an alien named…Jerry. I can believe a giant UFO has been at the bottom of the ocean for nearly 300 years, but an alien named Jerry? That’s just weird. Even more weird undersea weirdness happens: one million poisonous and extra-large jellyfish sting one of the habitat divers into swollen pudding. Then a football field-sized squid attacks the habitat and breaches the hull’s integrity. Then the place catches on fire and roasts the face off the astrophysicist. Then the Navy captain is severed in half. Then more messages from Jerry. And he’s not happy.

Sphere

To go any further would cause YOU mental grief as I’d have to wreck it all by telling you the spaceship is not alien, but rather a vehicle from our future and… Crap, sorry. Sphere (1998) gets really intense, and while you have to pay the heck attention, clues are all over the place to explain the monster squids, toxic jellyfish, and trillions of fish eggs that look like and are the size of sea potatoes.

Sphere

There’s a tedious subplot involving the psychologist and the marine biologist, who had an affair (another clue). But since they don’t show any sea boobies, it’s just something you’ll have to put up with. The movie will hold your interest, though. And after you’re done, go stick your head in a sphere…it’s fun!

Death Sea Worm

Posted in Aliens, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 20, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Parasite

Environmentalists discover that an oil rig is really a front for top secret sci-fi experiments to create a killing worm to sell to the military. This makes the greenies turn red, so they infiltrate the rig and plan to blow it up, never mind that all the resulting pollution would kill off thousands of friendly narwhals and pettable jellyfish.

Parasite

From there Parasite/2004 (aka, Hell’s Mouth) follow the Alien (1979) template almost to the letter, with the monster bug, now the size of 718 hot dogs, snail-trailing it through ventilation shafts and biting those that would seek to slather it in mustard. Note: They should try it with Black Truffle mustard blended with a delicate Chablis (“Shah-blee”). Zingy!

Parasite

The parasite is one of the all-time worst CGI creatures ever plagiarized, looking more like computer clay with plastic teeth. To show you how clichéd this “sci-fi thriller” is, there are 17 movies with the title of Parasite (the one in the ’80s with Demi Moore being the better of the pile).

Hell's Mouth

And the oil rig? Totally not real. It was digital, as was the rain it was being “drenched” in. My theory is that they actually filmed this crapfest in an old warehouse with leftover parasite birthing sacs hanging from the ceiling. I really think I’m right about this.

Kiss My Abyss

Posted in Aliens, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 28, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Abyss

The USS Montana, a ballistic missile submarine, sinks near the b-hole gapingly deep Cayman Trough, where weird fish swim/poo. American and Soviet ships and subs race to salvage it (the re-sale of ballistic missiles on eBay™ is freakin’ HUGE).

The Abyss

A hurricane is forecast to make waves about the time a Navy SEAL goes all high-pressure nervous system crazy and plans to drop a nuke into the Trough to kill the NTIs (non-terrestrial intelligence) thought to be behind the sinking of the Montana. So it wasn’t gangsta clams as previously thought.

The Abyss

A brave dumbass volunteers to sink several miles down in a liquid-filled suit to disarm the nuke, the NTI’s show up looking like Disney™-made jellyfish to save the day. (Their first appearance was in the shape of a water hot dog, probing the underwater sub-station to check things out, a cool effect I often use in the shower.)

The Abyss

But it’s not the aliens that rock The Abyss (1989); it’s the fluid-choked people drama that scores. The parts where a chick has to voluntarily drown herself in order to be rescued, the bomb disarming descent into the bottomless toilet void, and the liquid-filled diving suit scene where the guy has to load his lungs with some sort of liquid, are the things that make lower extremities clench. And the NTIs? Yeah, kinda cool for water hot dogs and such.