Third Dimensional Monsters, Mystery Rash, Famished Freaks

Thanks to the expanding universe of AI, you can now get classic horror and sci-fi movies converted into 3D. Well, two of ’em anyway…for now. Gammera The Invincible (1966) and Carnival of Souls (1962), fair game in the public domain, have been given the 3D treatment by Cinefantastique magazine, IFC.com, Reelz.com writer/editor Dan Persons. And you can get the signed DVDs — with included 3D viewing glasses — on his SpaceBrains3D Etsy™ page (click here) for $15.67 US smackos.

From Persons’ statement: “This is by no means a fly-by-night, cash-in type of operation,” he says. “I come to it from a lifelong passion for how tech can be used to create more experiential forms of art, three years of experimentation born of a dissatisfaction over how mainstream studios were utilizing stereoscopic presentation as a cynical way to apply a premium upsell to the same-ol’ same-ol’, and a 30-year background in film journalism and criticism. This is a very personal and intensely creative project for me — so much so that I sign and number every DVD I send out, and include with each order a copy of my Rethink 3D Manifesto,” which you can see below. Keep an eye on the Etsy™ page for future titles!”

Just so the purists don’t freak out, the Gammera The Invincible 3D edition is the Goodman cut, which runs 63 minutes, and “removes all the talk-talk-talk of the American-shot footage, so you can get to the monster carnage you crave sooner!” If only that kind of editing could be applied to certain loud neighbors.

So while we rush to buy these 3D DVDs because hey, why not, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be better served in public domain…

THE STRANGE CASE OF JACKY CAILLOU / April 11, 2023 (VOD)

“When Jacky’s grandmother, a renowned healer, suddenly passes away and a particularly compelling young woman with a mysterious rash arrives on his doorstep, he has no choice but to stay and try to help. As her condition worsens, it becomes clear that she’s afflicted with no ordinary illness. She’s transforming into something dangerous before his eyes, but he’s already in too deep to abandon her.”

Mysterious rash. I’m pretty sure they have products that’ll fix that.

BURY THE BRIDE / April 22, 2023 (Tubi™)

“Bride-to-be June’s bachelorette getaway turns deadly when her blood-thirsty fiancé and his backwoods friends show up to crash the party. What follows becomes a living nightmare of unholy proportions as June, her sister Sadie and their closest friends fight for their lives, and avenge the ones who don’t make it through the night.”

A party-crashing, blood-thirsty fiancé with backwoods friends. He seems nice.

THE ARTIFICE GIRL / April 27, 2023 (VOD)

“A small team of special agents discover a revolutionary computer program that uses a digital child to catch on-line predators. After teaming up with the program’s troubled developer, they soon find that the AI’s inevitable advancement is far more rapid and incalculable than they could have imagined, posing unforeseen challenges and unsettling consequences for the future of technology and mankind.”

I liked this better when it was called M3gan (2022).

FEEDERS 3 — THE FINAL MEAL / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“23 years have passed since the last feeding. Now, they have returned to Earth for the final meal.”

The Creeper in Jeepers Creepers (2001) feeds every 23 years as well. Talk about intermittent fasting. I can’t go 23 minutes without shoving soylent green down my snack hole.

Butcher Burger, Hosiery Horror, Frog God

Paramount Pictures™ and Spyglass Media Group™ are pulling out all marketing stops to promote Scream VI (releasing March 10, 2023), the latest in the horror franchise that started in 1996, and unlike the knife-wielding Ghostface’s victims, just won’t die. (Refresher course: Scream is a slasher franchise that includes six films, a television series, merchandise, and games. The film series has grossed over $740 million in worldwide.)

So what Paramount™ and Spyglass™ did was team up with Chain Restaurant™, a fast food, uh, chain, to offer the Stabby Meal, a slasher twist on McDonald’s Happy Meal™. And it’s available now (for a limited time) in West Hollywood and other participating Chain™ eateries. 

So what is in the Stabby Meal? From Thrillist: “The Extremely Medium Sized Bone Marrow ChainBurger comes as a half-pound bone marrow beef patty topped with American cheese, pickles, onions, ketchup, mustard, and Chain’s™ umami seasoning blend all on a poppy seed bun. The Throwback Fries are simple, classic fries done right. And then Woodsboro Orchards Warm Apple Pie is, of course, a take on McDonald’s Baked Apple Pie™, a hand-held cylinder of hot apples and cinnamon. And yes, Stabby Meal toys are even included in the mix. Several Scream VI pins are available inside the Stabby Meal boxes, which are sure to become hot collector’s items among fans.”

So while test the limits of our gastronomical tract and try one of these Stabby Meals, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not give you crippling indigestion…

FROM BLACK / April 14, 2023 (Shudder™)

“A young mother, crushed by guilt after the disappearance of her young son five years previously, is presented with a bizarre offer to learn the truth and set things right. But how far is she willing to go, and is she willing to pay the terrifying price for a chance to hold her boy again?”

Why put yourself through all that? Just go buy a new kid, preferably one with a return policy.

THE BLACKENING / June 16, 2023 (Theaters, VOD)

“A group of Black friends reunite for a Juneteenth weekend getaway only to find themselves trapped in a remote cabin with a twisted killer. Forced to play by his rules, the friends soon realize this ain’t no motherf****** game.”

There’s no call for those kind of asterisks. This is a family blog, dang it. Darn you…darn you all to heck.

CRUST / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Vegas Winters, a lonely laundromat owner, keeps the leftover socks from customers and uses them to clean himself. When he gets abused and weeps into the pile of socks, it turns into a creature who seeks revenge on Vegas’ enemies.”

Props for coming up with a plot so…different…no one will want to copy it. Ever.

THE GOD OF FROGS / Release pending 2024 (VOD)

“Deep in the heart of the jungle exists an elemental creature with an eternal hunger, and every 25 years, it emerges: a woman is eaten alive in 1969, a film crew goes missing in 1994, a politician explodes live on television in 2019, and a multinational corporation goes up in flames in 2044. Terror ensues in this ecological horror film.”

Sounds like the hip hop version of Jeepers Creepers (2001).

Revenge Porn, Old/New Zombies, Skin Appetizers

Finally. The long overdue Jeepers Creepers 3 is getting a limited theatrical showing (September 26, 2017 in Los Angeles), with the anticipated movie becoming available on VOD shortly thereafter.

Jeepers Creepers 2 came out in 2003, and every since horror fans have been Jeeper-ing for more Creeper-ing. The bat-winged, hat-wearing, human meat-craving monster is said to take his once-every-23-years binge eating spree to new levels of gore and chewing with your mouth open.

While we wait for dinner to be served, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi morsels to whet your appetite…

THE LOST TREE (October 13, 2017/Limited)
“After a serious traumatic accident, a man leaves his old life behind and moves to an isolated cabin to start over. He soon learns of the surroundings of the area and its dangerous past.”

Not a lot to go on from this press release. Are there poisonous woodchucks in the vicinity? Is the landlord a Republican? Does the toilet on the cabin flush without needing to jiggle the handle? I hope it’s all of the above.

#FROMJENNIFER (2017)
Jennifer Peterson is having a very rough week. She’s been fired from a movie shoot, her manager just dropped her, and her boyfriend dumped her, right after releasing a sex tape of them together. But Jennifer has decided to turn things around: she hatches a plot she calls ‘Revenge Porn Revenge,’ in which she plans to settle the score by filming a devastatingly elaborate video and posting it online, making herself famous in the process. But like everything else in her life lately, her revenge plot doesn’t go according to plan, and a shocking trail of carnage is left in her wake.”

Clearly, Jennifer is not familiar with the famous one-liners from Confucius, the iconic Chinese teacher/philosophizer from way, way, way back in the day (551 BC – 479 BC). His stand-up routine often included this one: “Before embarking on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves.” Snap! But despite all my clicking around, I still can’t find any of his comments about sex tapes.

DAY OF THE DEAD (2017/2018)
“The post-apocalyptic tale follows a former medical student tormented by a dark figure from her past, who happens to be a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her.”

So is this a remake/reboot/re-do over of 1985’s Day of the Dead? According to the e-blabbing on the Internet, the movie lifts a few flesh-swallowing elements from that decades old zombie romp and stuffs ’em into the new storyline. Kinda like padding a meatloaf with oatmeal.

YOU SHALL NOT SLEEP (2018)
“Set in an abandoned psychiatric hospital, where a radical theater group experiment with insomnia for the preparation of a stage play. With the passage of days without sleep, they reach new thresholds of perception, about the energies and hidden stories of the place. But when Bianca joins the cast, she must survive not only the intensity of work and her companions, but an unknown force that pushes her, like others, to a tragic outcome.”

Pffft — you don’t need sleep deprivation to reach new thresholds of perception. That’s what alcohol is for. People be so dumb.

Jeepers Creepers 3: Third Time’s A Charm

All I can say about Jeepers Creepers 3 is that it’s about creepin’ time. This massively awaited three in a series of three horror movies featuring the wicked cool Creeper character has been in limbo hell for 13 years, almost as much time as the title monster himself, who as we know, surfaces every 23rd spring for 23 days and eats people before going back into hibernation or “food coma nappy nap time.”

The film is slated to go into production in Vancouver. That’s a mere 142.6 miles from wherever my car is parked. At this time I would formally like to offer my vast skill set at being the first victim. I can be on set in two hours and forty minutes as the Creeper crows fly.

Jeepers Creepers (2001) and Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) were box office hits, grossing over $120 million fun coupons and giving the horror genre a timeless icon in the process. And the way JC2 was left open ended and reinforced the story arc made it that more lip smacking. Hopefully JC3 will be worth the wait. Here’s what THEY say will go down…

“Jeepers Creepers 3 will show events on the last day of the Creeper’s 23 day feeding frenzy, as the skeptical Sergent Tubbs teams up with a task force hellbent on destroying the Creeper for good. The Creeper fights back in gory glory as its enemies grow closer than ever before to learning the secret of its dark origins.”

The had me at gory glory. Actually, they had me back in 2001. And again on August 25, 2011 at 5:32 pm when I posted news about Jeepers Creepers 3, bragging to the world the movie was due any month now. But now all my pain is medicated as THIS TIME the movie’s release seems legit.

It better be.

The Bat Wears A Hat

In Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003), a school bus filled with a mid-western high school football team coming back from winning a game scores a flat tire. A teacher homeworks the wheel to find a really sharp tire-poking ninja-type weapon stuck in the tire’s shredded remains – and it’s made of human bone, a common cause for flat tires.

No one responds to calls on the school bus radio. Stuck out in the middle of nowhere, the only bathroom is a sticker bush. (You don’t wanna know what they used for toilet paper.) One by one the teachers and bus driver are snatched from the street – hundreds of feet straight up in the air. They don’t come back down. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

Left to fend for themselves, the students are confronted by a hat-wearing, jacket-sporting, cannibalistic bat-winged flying creature, and in a goosebump-y sequence, are picked out in order of dining preference by the monster who hangs upside down and looks through the bus window, licking the glass as if it were a sneeze guard at an Olive Garden™ salad bar.

The tense situation inside the bus gets even more unbearable as the students, being stress-separated by racism and sexism and bullyism, are submitted to relentless attacks by Mr. Creeper, who regards the school bus as a giant Hostess Twinkie™ with a lot of screamy filling inside.

Another frantic call on the radio connects with the farmer dad whose son was previously eaten by the monster. He and his as yet uneaten other son track the school bus’ location out in the middle of rural nowhere and show up in an old Ford truck outfitted with a makeshift harpoon system. In one of the coolest scenes, dad harpoons the monster and it tries to fly away, all the while tethered by the rope attached to the pile-driven pointy pole. The truck is pulled along as the monster tries to fly yonder, dives and jerks like a fish on a line.

More great action as the monster breaks free and goes for the kids, who are running and screaming like me at an all-you-can-drink beer sale. During the hunt the creature gets dismembered, but his outer husk still won’t die. I totally want to reveal the twist ending, but I won’t. This time. But I will tell you what you’re getting for Christmas.

Canadian Bat-Man

A carnivorous monster lives in the woods and slaughters campers/hikers by opening their chests and faces like Jell-O™ snack-packs. Big deal – Bigfoot’s been doing that for years.

A sexy, alcoholic chick forest ranger lives with her feathered comfort device (a parrot), thoughts and vodka in a ranger tower. She needed the solitude (and booze) because she killed her best friend while out partying and driving drunk. Guilt makes her reclusive, but not unable to have sex with other forest rangers.

But while she’s letting guys explore her mountainous regions, a creature of some sort is making landfill out of backpackers stinking up the woods. That night the monster takes a chunk out of her leg for tasting purposes. He leaves, but will come back when he’s more hungry. (He was full of campers and couldn’t possibly eat another bite, thank you.)

The monster in the Canadian It Waits (2005) sprouts huge bat wings and flies off. If I had a red flag, I’d throw it right now; its almost identical to the creature in Jeepers Creepers (2001), minus the hat and pants. Regardless, an inevitable confrontation ensues and two sticks of convenient dynamite solves everyone’s problems. Except mine.

And the bird? It’ll probably be back for a sequel once his agent irons out the details and co-producer credit.