Revenge Porn, Old/New Zombies, Skin Appetizers

Finally. The long overdue Jeepers Creepers 3 is getting a limited theatrical showing (September 26, 2017 in Los Angeles), with the anticipated movie becoming available on VOD shortly thereafter.

Jeepers Creepers 2 came out in 2003, and every since horror fans have been Jeeper-ing for more Creeper-ing. The bat-winged, hat-wearing, human meat-craving monster is said to take his once-every-23-years binge eating spree to new levels of gore and chewing with your mouth open.

While we wait for dinner to be served, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi morsels to whet your appetite…

THE LOST TREE (October 13, 2017/Limited)
“After a serious traumatic accident, a man leaves his old life behind and moves to an isolated cabin to start over. He soon learns of the surroundings of the area and its dangerous past.”

Not a lot to go on from this press release. Are there poisonous woodchucks in the vicinity? Is the landlord a Republican? Does the toilet on the cabin flush without needing to jiggle the handle? I hope it’s all of the above.

#FROMJENNIFER (2017)
Jennifer Peterson is having a very rough week. She’s been fired from a movie shoot, her manager just dropped her, and her boyfriend dumped her, right after releasing a sex tape of them together. But Jennifer has decided to turn things around: she hatches a plot she calls ‘Revenge Porn Revenge,’ in which she plans to settle the score by filming a devastatingly elaborate video and posting it online, making herself famous in the process. But like everything else in her life lately, her revenge plot doesn’t go according to plan, and a shocking trail of carnage is left in her wake.”

Clearly, Jennifer is not familiar with the famous one-liners from Confucius, the iconic Chinese teacher/philosophizer from way, way, way back in the day (551 BC – 479 BC). His stand-up routine often included this one: “Before embarking on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves.” Snap! But despite all my clicking around, I still can’t find any of his comments about sex tapes.

DAY OF THE DEAD (2017/2018)
“The post-apocalyptic tale follows a former medical student tormented by a dark figure from her past, who happens to be a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her.”

So is this a remake/reboot/re-do over of 1985’s Day of the Dead? According to the e-blabbing on the Internet, the movie lifts a few flesh-swallowing elements from that decades old zombie romp and stuffs ’em into the new storyline. Kinda like padding a meatloaf with oatmeal.

YOU SHALL NOT SLEEP (2018)
“Set in an abandoned psychiatric hospital, where a radical theater group experiment with insomnia for the preparation of a stage play. With the passage of days without sleep, they reach new thresholds of perception, about the energies and hidden stories of the place. But when Bianca joins the cast, she must survive not only the intensity of work and her companions, but an unknown force that pushes her, like others, to a tragic outcome.”

Pffft — you don’t need sleep deprivation to reach new thresholds of perception. That’s what alcohol is for. People be so dumb.

Jeepers Creepers 3: Third Time’s A Charm

All I can say about Jeepers Creepers 3 is that it’s about creepin’ time. This massively awaited three in a series of three horror movies featuring the wicked cool Creeper character has been in limbo hell for 13 years, almost as much time as the title monster himself, who as we know, surfaces every 23rd spring for 23 days and eats people before going back into hibernation or “food coma nappy nap time.”

The film is slated to go into production in Vancouver. That’s a mere 142.6 miles from wherever my car is parked. At this time I would formally like to offer my vast skill set at being the first victim. I can be on set in two hours and forty minutes as the Creeper crows fly.

Jeepers Creepers (2001) and Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003) were box office hits, grossing over $120 million fun coupons and giving the horror genre a timeless icon in the process. And the way JC2 was left open ended and reinforced the story arc made it that more lip smacking. Hopefully JC3 will be worth the wait. Here’s what THEY say will go down…

“Jeepers Creepers 3 will show events on the last day of the Creeper’s 23 day feeding frenzy, as the skeptical Sergent Tubbs teams up with a task force hellbent on destroying the Creeper for good. The Creeper fights back in gory glory as its enemies grow closer than ever before to learning the secret of its dark origins.”

The had me at gory glory. Actually, they had me back in 2001. And again on August 25, 2011 at 5:32 pm when I posted news about Jeepers Creepers 3, bragging to the world the movie was due any month now. But now all my pain is medicated as THIS TIME the movie’s release seems legit.

It better be.

The Bat Wears A Hat

In Jeepers Creepers 2 (2003), a school bus filled with a mid-western high school football team coming back from winning a game scores a flat tire. A teacher homeworks the wheel to find a really sharp tire-poking ninja-type weapon stuck in the tire’s shredded remains – and it’s made of human bone, a common cause for flat tires.

No one responds to calls on the school bus radio. Stuck out in the middle of nowhere, the only bathroom is a sticker bush. (You don’t wanna know what they used for toilet paper.) One by one the teachers and bus driver are snatched from the street – hundreds of feet straight up in the air. They don’t come back down. See ya, wouldn’t wanna be ya.

Left to fend for themselves, the students are confronted by a hat-wearing, jacket-sporting, cannibalistic bat-winged flying creature, and in a goosebump-y sequence, are picked out in order of dining preference by the monster who hangs upside down and looks through the bus window, licking the glass as if it were a sneeze guard at an Olive Garden™ salad bar.

The tense situation inside the bus gets even more unbearable as the students, being stress-separated by racism and sexism and bullyism, are submitted to relentless attacks by Mr. Creeper, who regards the school bus as a giant Hostess Twinkie™ with a lot of screamy filling inside.

Another frantic call on the radio connects with the farmer dad whose son was previously eaten by the monster. He and his as yet uneaten other son track the school bus’ location out in the middle of rural nowhere and show up in an old Ford truck outfitted with a makeshift harpoon system. In one of the coolest scenes, dad harpoons the monster and it tries to fly away, all the while tethered by the rope attached to the pile-driven pointy pole. The truck is pulled along as the monster tries to fly yonder, dives and jerks like a fish on a line.

More great action as the monster breaks free and goes for the kids, who are running and screaming like me at an all-you-can-drink beer sale. During the hunt the creature gets dismembered, but his outer husk still won’t die. I totally want to reveal the twist ending, but I won’t. This time. But I will tell you what you’re getting for Christmas.