Archive for JCPenney

Man Witch

Posted in Fantasy, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Covenant

Four teenage preppie dudes with supernatural abilities that would’ve gotten them burnt at the stake in the 1600s, drive around Ipswich, Massachusetts in new convertibles, thwart bullies with their powers, pose and say stuff like, Harry Potter can kiss my ass!” 

The Covenant

The pretty boy-centric The Covenant (2006) is like The Craft (1996) starring the Backstreet Boys. The eldest “man witch” is scheduled to ascend on his eighteenth birthday, meaning his mystical testicles drop, thereby increasing his magic skillz and dreamy eyes to the power of one thousand. There’s a catch: every time you use the power it ages you. The other catch: it’s extremely addictive, like the new Fall fashions they all wear.

The Covenant

Along comes another descendant who also has powers and power eyebrows, but is totally not cool. He forces a confrontation with the lead man-boy who looks JCPenney™ catalog worthy when he pouts, but when he smiles seems to have six or seven extra teeth, which kinda goons me out.

The Covenant

As he’s about to ascend, the mean catalog model wants to suck his foe’s power sauce and make his trickster attributes a double thousand times what he’s currently packin’. There’s a couple of hot chicks, but none show much more than their panties, although two bare butts — male and female — make brief (ahem) appearances.

The Covenant

If I had man witch powers and dreamy eyebrows, first thing I’d do is go accessory shopping at JCPenney™. Their Fall fashion line is to die for.

Alien Baseball Mitt

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Meatball Machine

An alien baseball mitt with tentacles needs someone with raging emotions to activate it. Enter Sachicko, a fetching young gal who is the target of date rapers and a daughter-beating father. Seething with unexpressed explosion anger, the alien encases her in wicked body armor and steers her boat via the host’s nervous system.

Meatball Machine

Sachiko is now a Necroborg and has veins on the outside of her face. All messed up and nowhere to go, except we learn the alien life forms have come to Earth to inhabit our bodies then engage in battle with each other. The loser gets eaten alive. In other words, they’re using us as part of a gaming battle ritual. Double not cool, alien baseball mitts.

Meatball Machine

Necro-Sachiko and Yoji, a would-be suitor back when body parts looked like stuff you’d see in JCPenney™ catalogs and also alien infected, fight it out. But Yoji can’t bring himself to eat his would’a-been girlfriend, so thanks to a bomb he swallowed earlier, he now has the upper tentacle on the alien inside his body. (This Japanese gore rodeo is kinda hard to follow what with people growing new mechanical limbs and/or eaten alive.)

Meatball Machine

The gore and effects in the descriptively titled Meatball Machine (2005) are choco-extreme, as are the Necroborgs and their power drill super arms. Blood and gunk spray everywhere as if being used as an air freshener. I feel sorry for Yoji having to drill his lady, but that b*tch would’ve been a serious and literal pain in the ass. Couldn’t tell who came out ahead on this one, though, as it’s that splattery.