Archive for Jason

Giving Birth To A Power Tool

Posted in Classic Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (2006) is a prequel to the 2003 Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that didn’t need to be made in the first place. Yep, I said it.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Thomas had a rough start in life. First, his mom gives birth to him in a meat packing plant. Not only did she leave him behind, but the plant foreman, thinking the bloody pile of meat is contaminated after it touched the floor, chucks Thomas into a dumpster.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

And if his day couldn’t get any worse, Thomas (later given the Christian name of Leatherface), is found by a homeless woman looking in garbage cans for nutritious food. She doesn’t eat him (he was dropped on a dirty floor and is probably teeming with germs), but drops Thomas off at the Hewitt House instead, the home of the original Chainsaw family.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

The luck of it all is Thomas grows up and gets a job at the very same meat packing plant that was the site of his beginning. Guess who his boss is? I know, right? Thomas repays that whole “tossing the fetus in the dumpster” incident by smashing his boss’ head into a Technicolor watermelon. It’s all about closure. Until he finds inner peace, Thomas finds a chainsaw. The rest just writes itself.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Butchering, screaming, cannibalism, screaming, kneecap gunshot wounds, screaming, face-skinning, screaming… It’s all part of Thomas’ pastiche.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning

Way more graphic and gory than the original, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning follows the same template as the Friday the 13th sequels, just racking up body count numbers in place of a compelling storyline. And Thomas? He’s already changed his name to Jason and got a job at Camp Crystal Lake.

Slash and Burn

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 24, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Burning

Cropsy — if that’s his real name — is an alcoholic and double-mean groundskeeper at Camp Blackfoot who uses over-sized cropping shears to trim that which needs trimming. No indication as to how he got his nickname, though.

The Burning

Playing a prank to get back at him for being such a dick, a bunch of teens accidentally set Cropsy on fire. Toasted ’n roasted is he. So badly is Cropsy barbecued, skin grafts won’t take. In fact his face looks like those melting Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981).

The Burning

Fast forward five years into the future (1981), and some of the kids responsible for the 1st Annual Cropsy Cook-out are now counselors at Camp Stonewater, just a melted marshmallow’s throw away from Blackfoot.

The Burning

Just like Jason in Friday the 13th (1980), Cropsy exacts his revenge on his victims in the most inconvenient of times, like during sex with boobs swinging to and fro. The slaughter is gruesome and swift, but it’s the infamous finger-shearing scene that got this barn-burner in trouble with uptight British censors. P*ssies.

The Burning

Scissors perforate throats and life-sustaining counselor fluid leaks out. In an unforeseen twist of fate, Cropsy gets to “sing around the campfire” one more time, if you smell what’s cookin’. All told, The Burning (1981) is old school slasher action, but somewhat more graphic. I just wish I knew how Cropsy got his name.

Cutting Cookies With A Machete

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dark Ride

From the uninspired movie title, to the tired formula plot of a bunch of teens breaking into an amusement park fun house where gruesome murders were committed years ago, to the painful dialogue and escaped-lunatic-from-a-mental-institution killer, Dark Ride (2006) is as entry-level/paint by numbers horror as it gets.

Dark Ride

All they did was change the location and give the killer a new mask. Hell, they were so lazy, they didn’t even give him a different killing implement. Another mask-wearing killer with a machete? Really?

Dark Ride

A bunch of stereotype teens on their way to Spring Break bust in after hours for kicks. That’s when Jonah gets busy. (Couldn’t they have come up with a name that doesn’t smack of outright intellectual property infringement on 1980’s Friday the 13th’s Jason, whom Jonah is so redundantly modeled?)

Dark Ride

The only good part is when one of the chicks is giving one of the guys an oral lesson and Jonah cuts off her head right as the guy is completing his, um, homework. The look on his freshly dead face could be best described as horrified, but with an undercoat of contentment.

I never thought I’d say it, but watching teens get slaughtered is boring. Times they are a’changin’.