Archive for Japanese

Tasty Body Modifications

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Splatter: Naked Blood

In the super gory Splatter: Naked Blood (1995), three hot young Asian chicks offer their firmness up to science for an experiment that will be a boon to mankind — a drug that will make them not want to wear bras. OK, that’s not exactly it, but this Japanese movie is sub-titled and I can’t really read.

Splatter: Naked Blood

One chick is unable to sleep, another obsessed with food, the other addicted to clothes and beauty products. In other words, just average chicks. But the woman scientist’s 17-year-old son, a prodigy scientist, has secretly mixed his experimental drug in with his mom’s drug, and it’s unknowingly administered to the hotties. It’s a super endorphin that boosts the brain’s pain-killing chemical and makes everyone happy and not depressed. People, beer can do the same thing without needles or surgery gowns where your butt shows.

Splatter: Naked Blood

The drug’s effect happens almost innocently, with the food chick accidentally cutting her finger while preparing a succulent repast of tempura squid. Sucking the blood out of her wound, she starts to feel…aroused. Staring at a pot of boiling oil on her stove, she gets the idea to dip her hand into the tempura mixture and then deep-fry her hand. Tempura cooks quickly (about two to three minutes, or until golden brown) and she’s ready to take a bite.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Therein lies the movie’s genius plot: the endorphin chemical turns pain into sexual pleasure. (Now you know why we drink beer.) What began as a slow-moving flick about nothing suddenly turns down a dark road, with the food chick — fork and knife in hand and sitting on the dinner table half naked — starts cutting bite-sized morsels out of the area normally used for outgoing mail. Then she feasts upon said bite-sized morsels.

Splatter: Naked Blood

Seeing her reflection in the knife blade, she gets another idea: stab said eye with said fork and force it out with said knife. All of this, it should be noted, is done without the camera moving away and is brutally and realistically graphic. So much so, it’ll probably turn you off to eating your own eye.

Splatter: Naked Blood

And the scientist mom? Someone cut a portal so big in her gut as to allow her dead husband to crawl into. (Don’t ask — just watch.) The gore is magnificent and lives up to the movie’s title of splattering and being naked, so really, the plot is all but there to pass the time.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I got a hankerin’ for some elbow macaroni.

Ghost vs. Ghost

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Sadako vs. Kayako

Sadako vs. Kayako (2016) had all the elements to become a supernatural tour de force lock-up worthy of a pay-per-view. (Now that I think about it, that’s what VOD is.) Regardless, the Japanese horror match with Sadako the long black haired ghost chick that crawls out of wells/TV screens from The Ring franchise, and Kayako, the long black hair ghost chick that crawls down stairs on her stomach from the Ju-on Grudge series, should’ve been a box office bonanza for these two iconic ghosts. Instead, it turned into a slow-moving, frightless flick made for teens. To put a sharper point on it, teens are more scary than this movie.

Sadako vs. Kayako

To access these vengeful ghost gals is easy. For Sadako, just watch a cursed video tape. Then the phone rings and it’s Sadako informing you of deadness by death in 48 hours. With Kayako, just poke around the abandoned house where she “lives” with that pasty white kid in diapers who makes cat growl sounds. Once inside, she spider crawls down the stairs and pretty much ends your existence with just a blink of her one eyeball. (Wonder if she wears contacts?)

Sadako vs. Kayako

Two high school chicks learn about Sadako from their urban legends teacher, then later go to a junk shop and buy an old VCR, which just happens to have the cursed tape still in it. Like all teens they burn it onto a disc and upload it to the Internet, where it goes viral. Now that’s some efficient population control. Of course, one of the girls actually watches the tape and the phone rings. Nice not knowing you.

Sadako vs. Kayako

Over at Kayako’s house, four young school boys go inside and…school’s out forever. This was witnessed by the teen girl across the street who is made stinky by the curse of Kayako. And now we have the dots in place to connect how this movie is supposed to work.

Sadako vs. Kayako

A botched exorcism with the girl earmarked for death introduces us to Keizo Tokiwa, a ghostbuster with psychic powers, who whips his hand around the doomed victim to expel said curse. Doesn’t always work. Must not be whipping hard enough. The die-now-pay-later teen kills herself with a belt wrapped around her neck instead of sagging britches. This leaves the unkilled friend and the girl across the street whose parents Kayako just ghosted (in a confusing sequence that made about much sense as the little boy who talks like a wet cat) to all gather at the Kayako’s house for the big showdown.

Sadako vs. Kayoko

And here’s where all the pointlessness could’ve been salvaged — the two scariest poltergeists in Japan’s movie history finally facing off. Keizo theorized that the ghost gals would cancel each others’ curses when their disparate energies collide. Guess what didn’t happen? Their first meeting had them evenly matched and nothing really happens except a lot of flailing black hair and everyone ending up in the well outside. (Who even has one of those in a middle class neighborhood? If I was middle class, I might consider having one installed — without the bucket retrievable curses.)

Sadako vs. Kayako

With no pay-off, Sadako vs. Kayako is a BIG let-down. There was so little screen time for both S and K, you wonder how someone justified their names being used in the title. They must have good agents.

Embalming: The New Taxidermy

Posted in Asian Horror, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 8, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

EM: Embalming

Miyako is a coroner. She gets to look at all the inner goo within our bodies once we quit making outer goo. One day she gets a male teenage corpse with a needle sticking out of its neck. My guess is he died of natural causes. But, as the body is prepared for embalming, someone sneaks in after hours and takes the corpse’s head right out of its shoulder holder.

EM: Embalming

The search for the misplaced face leads Miyako and detective Kurume into the lucrative underground shopping mall known as the organ trade industry. Legs, arms, torsos, eyeballs, wieners…they won’t be undersold! (I’m waiting for the President’s Day 1/2 off butt cheek sale.)

EM: Embalming

It’s here they find Dr Fuji, an ostracized surgeon who runs his limb extraction practice out of the back of a semi-truck. Fuji knows where the head is, but it’s linked to a convoluted plot that distracts from the real reason to watch this movie: to witness graphic autopsies done on the living. Is that asking too much?

EM: Embalming

Miyako, though, has bigger problems. A nearby priest tells her what she does to dead bodies is evil and that she’s really gonna get it, the argument being that preserving the dead body is a crime against the laws of nature. (The Japanese believe in cremation, not embalming. I’m split down the middle. Heh.)

EM: Embalming

Fuji, as it turns out, did the embalming on Miyako’s mom when she kicked the Buddha, so that ties in somehow. While Em: Embalming (1999) invokes a solid “meh,” it’s the gloriously gory body parts that reward one’s rental yen. Not quite as visceral as Saw III (2006) in the head-opening department, if you can put up with all the plot distractions, you’ll be rewarded with some juicy meatiness. I know that sounds icky, but I couldn’t think of anything else.

Four-Story Horror

Posted in Asian Horror, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 16, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rampo Noir

They should have put a sticker on Rampo Noir’s (2005) DVD box cover that said, “Warning: Art Inside.” Four short, artsy fartsy Japanese horror stories, one of which is only seven minutes long, with no dialogue or sound, and a naked guy wandering around. Titled, Mars’ Canal, I interpreted it as being a commentary on the escalating price of rump roast.

Rampo Noir

Mirror Hell concerns a guy who thinks he’s cuter than chicks (he isn’t), and makes ornate hand mirrors out of a rare chemical found in dirt. When a woman he’s jealous of looks in the mirror, her faces melts off. They do not show the face-melting, which I felt was a noticeable discrepancy.

Rampo Noir

Caterpillar involves the wife of an army lieutenant coming back from the war as just a torso and head. Oh, he’s still alive, but unable to talk. He can gurgle and make spit bubbles, though.

Rampo Noir

The last one, Crawling Bugs, is about a guy who kills a woman and, in order to preserve her beauty, tries embalming her. That’s a lot harder to do than the instructions indicate. She starts to rot, so he takes acrylic paint and covers her browning skin in lovely hues of red, blue, yellow — all the corpse complimentary colors.

Rampo Noir

But internal gases are building up and she’s looking like a beached Free Willy. When the cops find him, he’s in his underwear, between her legs, with his head buried in a slit he made in her stomach. Best line of the movie occurs when they pull him out, and he turns to look at them: “What?” Couldn’t have summed up this movie better.

Ultra Dead

Posted in Aliens, Asian Sci-Fi, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Science Fiction, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 26, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ultra Man

While not a movie, this particular TV episode of 1966’s Ultra Man was unique in that our building tall hero dies while trying to save the world from extraterrestrial-filled flying saucers. That, and it’s black and white (all of his shows were in color) and dubbed into Castilian (think Gomez Addams) and televised in Argentina in the ’70s. Also, the characters are Japanese. The only word that sums this up is WTF?

Ultra Man

Quick history lesson: Ultraman is part of a race of galaxy guardians from the M78 Nebula, or Land of Light. (They probably don’t need light bulbs or flashlights.) These guys have awesome powers and promote peace across the Universe. Good luck with that – the citizens of Uranus are a bunch of a-holes/b-holes.

Ultra Man

So a fleet of UFOs invade our personal space, blowing up fighter jets with destructo beams. One lands, pops its top, and a giant balloon inflates. Once it ka-BOOMS, there stands an equal-in-Ultraman height bug-esque alien creature that uses beams to blast our real estate and his foe.

Ultra Man

Ultraman arrives seemingly out of nowhere and does battle with the alien butt wad. But wait, the wad creature is resistant to Ultraman’s tricks of the trade and throws it back at him two-fold. How embarrassing is that?

Ultra Man

As Ultraman is rendered inert and falls face first like a stiff surfboard, he goes into a death dream where he’s fighting Godzilla and some other weirdo monster, and beating the scales off them. Happy trails, Ultraman.

Ultra Man

Then, out of the freakin’ sky, another Ultraman coming to claim the carcass of his fellow countryman. Planking in mid-air, this Ultraman spins super fast and uses the giant meteor/space ship to suck up the remains of the dying Ultraman. (He’s been alive for 20,000 years, so no regrests – it was a good run.)

There are other Ultramen in this meteor office space and, after a few choice words in Castilian, transports the corpse off to the Land of Light while the Science Patrol wave and yell goodbye: “Ootra Mon – Sayonara!”

Dry your eyes, for there are entire Nebuli full of replacement parts.

Day-glo Ogre

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Fantasy, Foreign Horror with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 7, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Legend of Ogre

When one thinks of an ogre, it’s usually visualized as something that looks like a WWE wrestler after he’s lived in a garbage landfill for years, while wearing a diaper made out of a bear. It might also have one or fewer eyes and a Fred Flintstone club for hitting diaper-providing bears.

The ogre, though, in Legend of Ogre (aka, Kijo Densetsu/2003) is a young Japanese girl with hot pink long hair, a gray complexion and dressed in pajamas three sizes too big. Worse, the story about the punk rock ogre unleashing hell is as lame as the fake wig she wears.

Two high school girls and their female teacher go to a village out in the woods to study regional folklore. Their cell phones don’t work that far into the woods. Right outta the gate – BIG problems. Upon arriving, a screamy old woman runs up to them and speaking louder than normal, starts yelling “Ominous, ominous!” I don’t know what that means. Staying in a vacant house the girls snoop around and open a storehouse, which unleashes unimaginable horrors and…uh, yeah – not even close.

Kijo Densetsu

The pink-haired woman was locked up (or “imprisoned”) in the storehouse, even though she saved the village from a red dragon (told, not shown) many moons ago. Now that she’s free to model her pajamas, there’s much ominous-ing to get caught up on.

The teacher dies, as did my patience for something cool to happen. (I actually fell into a deeper sleep twice while napping through the tedious non-action.) Legend of Ogre was made with one of those consumer digital video cameras, so it looks like your neighbor filmed it. From the half-baked storyline to the day-glo hair, everyone needs to go back in the storehouse and reflect on what they’ve done.

Godzilla vs. The A-Bomb

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 6, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla

As I IMPATIENTLY wait for the new Godzilla movie to be released (14,400 minutes from right…NOW), I’ve been re-watching the second movie trailer to keep me from going crazy exploding all over the neighborhood. And that’s where my uncanny recollective abilities kicked in.

In the Budweiser-saturated recesses of my mind, I recalled an article about Godzilla that appeared in the highly-trusted Weekly World News. Unfortunately published on September 11, 2001 (nice timing, guys), the article claimed that the U.S. dropped the A-bomb on Hiroshima and Nagasaki on August 6th and 9th, 1945, not to wipe out the Japanese and to end a long and brutal war, but to kill Godzilla.

This is exactly the establishing plot element of the new Godzilla movie. According to the movie’s trailer, that is.

Godzilla

The WWN article, written by Tobuichi Kimura, goes on to say that, “Contrary to what most history books say, the U.S. military did not drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima simply to end WWII, but mainly to destroy Japan’s secret weapons – Godzilla and Rodan.” This raises questions and at least two eyebrows as Godzilla 2014 is reported to have a flying Rodan monster in the movie as well.

So it comes down to this: either the producers of Godzilla 2014 read this article 13.5 years ago and pinched it for their script, or the events of 1945 were indeed true and that we attempted to stop Godzilla with a nuclear deterrent. I think we all know the answer here.

Killing Godzilla can’t be done, by the way, except in Godzilla (1954) and Godzilla vs. Destroyah (1995). But those were the ONLY two times.