Archive for James Bond

Literary Shark, Throbbing Tombstones, Cheese Rebel

Posted in demons, Evil, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Sharks, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Just when you thought it was safe to go back into the library…

For fans of Jaws (not that steely-toothed James Bond criminal villain of the same name in The Spy Who Loved Me/1977, Moonraker/1979), now comes the ultimate illustrated edition of author Peter Benchley’s massively popular book, which has sold over 20 million copies. I’m no math guy, but that appears to be a lot.

From The Folio Society’s website: “Jaws is one of the greatest cult thrillers of all time, seething with sexual tension, political corruption and macabre affairs. The novel is deeper and darker than Steven Spielberg’s seminal 1975 film, while the magnificent shark scenes are some of the most terrifying prose sequences in modern fiction. If ever a novel was begging to be illustrated, this is it.”

Korean artist Hokyoung Kim brings her unique cinematic style to this spectacular edition, including a chilling binding portrait of the Great White shark that terrorizes the community of Amity. Although fear is at the heart of the novel, the fragility of marine life also courses through the narrative, and this theme is explored by Wendy Benchley in her newly commissioned introduction.” Clearly, a lot to chew on.

And because you were eventually gonna ask, here are the specs: 320 pages, 6¼ x 9˝, bound in printed, blocked, and soft-touch laminated paper, Set in Cardo with Clearface Gothic as display, black & white integrated title-page spread plus 7 color illustrations, blocked slipcase. And at $60, it won’t take a bite out of your wallet (heh). I bought the audio book version, but all it had was screaming.

While you sharpen your reading skills, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not need a shark in ’em… 

CEMETERY STORIES / Out now (VOD)

On Halloween a couple, both of which are clairvoyants, drive to a cemetery. They go for fun to pick up vibrations from the tombstones of the deceased. As they pick up vibrations they have visions of how the person died. Each vibration and vision seems to get darker and darker. In the midst of all of this, they are being stalked by a dark shadowy figure. What starts out as some Halloween fun quickly turns to terror.”

Wouldn’t it be funny if the vibrations were coming from a battery-powered personal comfort device? I sure think so.

MAD HEIDI / December 8, 2022 (VOD)

Heidi as she’s never been seen before — a badass, kick-ass rebel with the brute strength to slice an opponent in two with a battle axe. In a dystopian Switzerland that has fallen under the fascist rule of a cheese magnate, Heidi lives as a simple young woman in the mountains. Her grandfather does his best to protect her from the bad influences of the world, but soon her longing for personal freedom will spark a revolution. The naive mountain girl turns into a fierce fighter who has to put an end to the cheese fascists.”

Wonder if there’ll be singing and dancing to go along with all the die kill bleed…and cheese?

NIGHT OF THE SCARINESS / December 9, 2022 (VOD)

“Guaranteed to make you scream and cry and piss your pants and vomit yourself.”

Would this be during or after a night at the Tug Tavern?

NIGHT OF THE BASTARD / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“Disgruntled hermit Reed lives a solitary life in the desert. After chasing away a group of youths trying to party near his home, Reed’s peaceful life is violently upheaved when a group of savage cultists lay siege to his house. Forced to partner up with one of the party-goers, Reed and his newfound colleague must defend themselves into the night, all while long-buried and disturbing secrets are revealed to him as part of the cult’s evil plan.”

Partying youthssavage cultistsviolent upheaval. Sounds like my neighbors.

Batman vs. Dracula vs. James Bond, Robo-Cities, Bigfoot Returns

Posted in Classic Horror, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Batman Fights Dracula

Batman Fights Dracula. Been looking for this movie for a million years. Here’s all I’ve been able to turn up: “Batman Fights Dracula is a 1967 color Philippines film directed by Leody M. Diaz. The cast includes Jing Abalos in the duel roles of Batman and Bruce Wayne, and Dante Rivero as Dracula, the Dark Prince himself.”

Batman Fights Dracula

If anyone knows where I can watch this for free (okay, I’ll pony up some fun coupons, but let’s not get crazy here), let me know so I can take this one off my leaking bucking list.

James_Batman

Also looking for James Batman, a 1966 Filipino Batman/James Bond spoof. Besides the teaming of Batman with James Bond (and Rubin, the Boy Wonder), the premise tells us this: “An evil organization called the CLAW has threatened nuclear annihilation on the rest of the world unless all countries submit to its rule within five days. Presenting a united front, an alliance of countries tap James Bond and Batman (and Rubin/Robin) to stop the threat. However, both Bond and Batman play brinkmanship with each other, and as the hour to doomsday winds down, are eventually forced to work together. Little do the protagonists know that the real enemy is closer than they think.”

Batman Fights Dracula

While you go out and do the research for me, here’s a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to help take my mind off the likelihood that neither Batman or James Bond will be of any help. Then again, maybe Rubin can…

Bad Times At The El Royale

BAD TIMES AT THE EL ROYALE (October 5, 2018)
“Seven strangers, each with a secret to bury, meet at Lake Tahoe’s El Royale, a rundown hotel with a dark past. Over the course of one fateful night, everyone will have a last shot at redemption…before everything goes to hell.”

Sounds a lot like Identity (2003), wherein 10 people who don’t know each other are stuck at a desolate Nevada motel during a gnarly rain storm. Doesn’t take long before they realize they’re being mysteriously being killed off, one at a time. I didn’t know it rained in Nevada. Learning something new every day.

Mortal Engines

MORTAL ENGINES (December 14, 2018)
Mortal Engines is set in a post-apocalyptic steampunk world where entire cities have been mounted on wheels and motorized, and prey on one another.”

Cities on wheels fighting other cities on wheels? In your face, Transformers! For people who know how to read without moving their lips (unfortunately, I’m not a one-percenter), Mortal Engines is based on the novel of the same name by Philip Reeve. Good for him. And good for us the trailer showcases stunning visuals that makes viewers re-shape their mouth lips into a “wow” shape.

Big Legend

BIG LEGEND (2018)
“An ex-soldier ventures into the Pacific Northwest to uncover the truth behind his fiancée’s disappearance and finds more than bargained for after teaming up with a local hunter. 

Word around the trailer park is that Big Legend stars Adrienne Barbeau (72), former girlfriend of Swamp Thing and Lance Henriksen (78), whose locked feet with Bigfoot several times before in Sasquatch (aka, The Untold/2002) and Devil on the Mountain (aka, Sasquatch Mountain/2006). Let’s get ready to rumble!

Exorcism At 60,000 Feet

EXORCISM AT 60,000 FEET (2018)
“On the last flight of a transatlantic passenger airliner, a demon is discovered on board.”

This is supposed to be a horror comedy, which makes sense as exorcisms are both LOL and VOL. (Vomit out loud.)Which brings me to the question: How the heck do demons get airplane tickets? You have to show ID and since demons are sometimes made of a bunch of other demons (“Legion, for we are many…”), hellspawners no doubt use counterfeit identification. And that’s totally illegal, which is probably why they’re in Purgatory in the first place. (Man, when I go off the tracks, I seem to just hit the gas.)

Horror Shaken, Not Stirred

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Slasher House II

You’d think the tens of dozens of new horror movies coming out right now would keep me in a state of perpetual giddiness. It kinda sorta does. But Christmas came early for me in the form of Amazon Prime™ putting up the entire James Bond catalog (minus the Daniel Craig years) for free viewing (if you have a subscription). Don’t worry horror movies, I still like you. But you’re like an ex-girlfriend until I’m done re-watching all the Bond movies for the 12th time each.

So here’s what I’m spying (heh) on the horizon…

SLASHER HOUSE II (2017)
Red has arrived in the big city just time to find herself tied up in an epidemic of vanishing serial killers. But who is taking them and what do they want with the world’s most horrific masked murderers? As Red fights her way through a maze filled with assassins, monsters and maniacs she comes closer to discovering the truth behind the mystery and the mastermind behind the Slasher House.”

A maze filled with “assassins, monsters and maniacs.” Um, isn’t this the same plot as Rob Zombie’s 31 (2016)?

Voice From The Stone

VOICE FROM THE STONE (early 2017)
“Verena, a solemn nurse, is drawn to aid a young boy named Jakob who has fallen silent since the untimely death of his mother nearly a year ago. Living with his father in a massive stone manor in Tuscany, Jakob not only refuses to speak, he seems to be under the spell of a malevolent force trapped within the stone walls. As Verena’s relationship with the father and son grow, she becomes ensnared and consumed by a severe force. If Verena is to save the boy and free herself, she must face the phantom hidden inside the stone.

I talk to rock, too. And rock talks to me. And you know what rocks tell me to do? To rock out. It’s the only conversation needed when conversing with gravel.

Angelica

ANGELICA (2017)
London in 1880. Shop assistant Constance, who lost her parents at an early age, falls in love with doctor and vivisectionist, Dr. Joseph Barton. When their daughter Angelica is born the pair is overjoyed, but the birth almost costs the young mother her life. From now on she must practice sexual abstinence – she is to think of herself as a beautiful garden enclosed by a tall iron fence. Before long her bid to suppress her desires and erotic feelings gives birth to demons. A ghostly being emerges from Constance’s hysterical fantasy; the spirit penetrates closed doors, terrorizing the sleeping child and her fragile mother. When an assistant with para-psychological skills is called to their home, their middle-class world finally falls apart…”

I have two questions: Why would you want to marry a vivisectionist? Secondly, why would you want to become a vivisectionist? Surely, butcher school is a lot cheaper and easier to get a degree in. As for Constance and her “hysterical fantasies,” sounds like she’s just being a normal gal to me. (I’m probably gonna pay for that one.)

Lucifer

LUCIFER (pending 2017)
A young caretaker believes her family is being tormented by the devil after she agrees to write the chilling story of a patient haunted by the relentless demonic being.

Hope the book comes with pictures.

Ice Cream Truck

ICE CREAM TRUCK (summer 2017)
“Mary’s husband gets relocated for work which allows her to move back to her suburban hometown. A local ice cream man with a love of nostalgia starts to kill some of her neighbors. Mary is torn between her mature instincts that something wrong and the distracting memories of her younger days.”

WTF?!? Who cares – ICE CREAM, man! Some people just can’t accept the little pleasures in life without gooning out.

Werewolf Centerfold

Posted in Nature Gone Wild, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 4, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wolfhound

Shortly upon arriving in Wolfshead, Scotland to inherit his parent’s rural shack, a writer is shadowed by big, stinky dogs that look like they were playing fetch with a can of 30-weight. One of the mutts morphs into a fully naked Playboy playmate (Julie Cialini, 1995 centerfold) who wants to have lots of non-explicit sex with him.

Wolfhound

All the locals have Scottish accents, except Julie, who sounds like a Kansas cheerleader. You don’t notice it much as she’s naked all the time. That counts.

Wolfhound

As the call of the wild gets louder, the writer discovers the whole village is a community of shape-shifters (discount paranormal creatures). Most turn into dirty sheep herding dogs, others into crows. None, it needs to be noted, can turn into a Blockbuster Video™ refund receipt.

Wolfhound

The town’s alpha male gets in a pissing match with the writer in one of the lamest bar fight scenes ever filmed. (I thought James Bond the only one who could get punched in the face 60 or 70 times and not so much as have his hair ruffled.)

Wolfhound

Wolfhound (2002) has no starring role for blood, suspense, or mouth on throat dissecting. Not even Julie’s 38-29-32 inhibitions can heal the wounds of shame incurred for renting this dud.