Married Ghosts

Warning: High Spirits is comedy horror from the year 1988. I don’t know what’s worse — horror as comedy or the year 1988.

In a slick bit of entrepreneurial maneuvering a drunk Irishman (typecasting) tells everyone his ramshackle castle is haunted so that American tourist dollars will flow like cheap Scotch at a log-throwing party.

As if on cue a couple of real ghosts — murdered on their wedding night — are hanging out, replaying their demise without showing blood, guts, bloody guts or heads hacked from neck. Who the heck would pay to see that? I want wet entrails, dang it — and lots of ’em.

Key to the plot is that one of the ghosts gals wants to hook up with a non-ghost guy. I wonder if that’s where the dating term “ghosting” comes from? I’m gonna have to say yes. 

Metal For Your Face, Empowered Horror Women, Cursed Movie Stars

If you’re a fan of heavy metal (again, why wouldn’t you be?), you’ll load your britches over a gaggle of new Iron Maiden “Eddie” Halloween masks by Trick or Treat Studios (.com). Eddie, as everyone in the universe knows (even aliens), is the ghoulish mascot for Iron Maiden, gracing the cover of all their albums, sometimes as a zombie slasher, undead WWII pilot, an Egyptian mummy and even a living dead cyborg. If I was a cyborg, I’d want to look like Eddie. Then we could hang out all day and do cool cyborg stuff.

So now Trick or Treat Studios is set to release four new Iron Maiden full head masks, including “Aces High” Eddie, Powerslave, Somewhere in Time Eddie, Final Frontier Eddie, and Number of the Beast Eddie. What, no Groundhog’s Day Eddie? Prices for this sublime face-wear ranges from $49.99 — $59.00. A mere pittance to look like one of heavy metal’s most famous icons.

A little history: the rotting, skeletal visage of Eddie was done by artist Derek Riggs, was based on an original design by art student who just happened to be BBFs with Dave “Lights” Beasley, who, back in the early band days, was in charge of lighting, pyrotechnics and other hearing-damaging effects for Iron Maiden’s live show.

The new masks will be available August/September of this year, which I was just told is 2018. Geez, it was 1980 just a few days ago. So while we wait for our molded plastic makeover, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies to bang your rubber-encased head to…

DEAD LIST (May 1, 2018/VOD)
“Calvin is competing with five other actors — Zander, Scott, Kush, Jason and Bob — for a major movie role. Stopping at nothing to win the role of a lifetime, he uses a demonic book to curse his fellow actors, with each actor being killed off in their own separate unique and terrifying chapter.”

Sounds like one of those Final Destination (2000) things, but with demon flavorings added. The only demonic book I know is the TV Guide™. That flippin’ thing is evil and will suck your soul right out of your eyeballs on a nightly basis for hours at a time.

MARY SHELLEY (May 25, 2018)
“Passionate and rebellious teenager Mary Wollstonecraft finds a kindred spirit in poet Percy Shelley. Their whirlwind love affair scandalizes polite society, as the young couple gorge on literature and a bohemian life. When tragedy strikes and the couple lose their baby daughter, Mary strikes back, finding the courage and bravery to transform her pain into the world’s first science fiction novel, Frankenstein— all by the age of 18.”

Mary Shelley, back in the 1800s, was the woman who created Frankenstein, but she’s not the only one. Have you met my mom?

UNDER THE SILVER LAKE (June 22, 2018)
“Young and disenchanted Sam meets a mysterious and beautiful woman who’s swimming in his building’s pool one night. When she suddenly vanishes the next morning, Sam embarks on a surreal quest across Los Angeles to decode the secret behind her disappearance, leading him into the murkiest depths of mystery, scandal and conspiracy.”

I’m thinkin’ the girl in the pool is a ghost mermaid on the swim from the Law. As for the surreal quest across Los Angeles, just driving a few blocks in Hollywood definitely qualifies.

DON’T LEAVE HOME (2018/2019)
“An American artist’s obsession with a disturbing urban legend leads her to an investigation of the story’s origins at the crumbling estate of a reclusive painter in Ireland.”

I can only guess that the urban legend is a sober Irishman. Heh.

Free-Range Zombies

Plum Island, off the coast of Delaware, is so named due to its plentiful plums, as well as having sweeping ocean views, beautiful Autumn foliage and free-range zombies.

Feuding immigrants have turned P.I. into a refuge from the zombie takeover, and are actually doing pretty good, as long as those thievin’ O’Flynns stay off the half of the island marked by those sweater-wearin’ Muldoons. Both sides are p*ssed off at each other for some reason or another relating to pride, but that’s not what you paid to see. You want the undead peeling the skin off human necks, like they were eating a blood orange.

Patrick O’Flynn, a cantankerous old fart, was ousted from the island, where Seamus Muldoon now holds dictatorship. With a name like that, you can bet he’s a well-respected Irishman.

Some rag tag military guys and a teen make it to the island with the help of Patrick, who chews up his lines like a zombie eating some Irish neck stew. The plan is to overthrow Seamus, re-establish the island as a sanctuary for everyone left living (something Seamus didn’t cotton to), and live like hell ass damn kings.

Due to the zombie encroachment and the eating of Irish throats, a tentative truce is established so that everyone left standing can eradicate the zombie infestation. Yeah, a truce between Irish clans — that’ll hold. 

O’Flynn’s hottie daughter gets bitten and zombifies, and spends her days riding around the island on a horse. She looks kinda zombie-cool, but for the most part, no new ground-breaking undead face rot. In fact, the dead look a little on the amateurish side.

The flesh-feast gore in Survival of the Dead (2010) is explicit, but nothing we haven’t tasted before. Most of the story revolves around the human conflict, with zombies thrown in for zest.

There is something new this time, however. An experiment to teach zombies to eat animals is working. (You know that horse I mentioned?) So maybe a truce between the O’Flynns and Muldoons and zombies is possible after all. Between those left not shot in the face, eaten by zombies, or made into plum fertilizer, that is.