Sell-Out Horror, Digital Zombies, Haunted Caregiver

The awesomely awesome Bottleneck Gallery (bottleneckgallery.com), dealers in limited edition, spectacular horror/sci-fi art, might have set a record with artist Andrew Rowland’s take on The Shining — all three variants of the art sold out mere moments after they went on sale. Priced from $40 to $60, these giclee prints blew out in less time than it takes to write “redrum” in lipstick on the bathroom door (You got that, right?)

The trick to get in on these exclusive on-sales is to sign up for their newsletter. They give you fair warning of upcoming art going on sale. But you gotta be quick on the click — BNG’s art sales almost always sells out within hours of announcing. Just like Taco Tuesdays at the Tug Tavern — $1.00. (If you can actually get it down your throat, it’s a pretty sweet deal.)

Here are a few more stunningly stunning art pieces on Bottleneck’s website. Call in sick so as to not work and get on their website to see why their curated art is in such high demand. Like $1.00 tacos. And while you do that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as indigestible as a Tug Tavern taco… 

TALK TO ME / July 28, 2023 (Theaters)

“A group of friends discover how to conjure spirits using an embalmed hand. They become hooked on the new thrill, until one of them goes too far and unleashes terrifying supernatural forces.”

You don’t need an embalmed hand to conjure spirits — just order ‘em off the Internet. Free shipping if you order two or more.

RESIDENT EVIL: DEATH ISLAND / Release pending summer 2023 (VOD)

“D.S.O. Agent Leon S. Kennedy is on a mission to rescue Dr. Antonio Taylor from kidnappers, when a mysterious woman thwarts his pursuit. Meanwhile, B.S.A.A. Agent Chris Redfield is investigating a zombie outbreak in San Francisco, where the cause of the infection cannot be identified. The only thing the victims have in common is that they all visited Alcatraz Island recently. Following that clue, Chris and his team head to the island, where a new horror awaits them.”

Even though this is an animated movie, if it’s anything like the trailer, then digital or not, this thing brings on the zombie carnage. (Zombie carnage — sounds like a cool name for an all-you-can-eat buffet.)

THE RUSE / Release pending 2023/2024 (VOD)

“When an in-home caregiver assigned to an elderly patient mysteriously vanishes, Dale is quickly sent as a replacement nurse. Dale rushes to the remote seaside home, only to find herself in the middle of chaos. Forced to deal with an unruly patient, mysterious neighbors, and terrifying supernatural occurrences that seem to plague the home. Is the house haunted? Or is something even more malevolent to blame? As the walls close in, unsure who she can trust, Dale fears for her life and that of her patient. But can we trust Dale?”

They had me at unruly patient.

EXHIBIT #8 / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When Bosnian-born Aisha and cameraman Elias team up to shoot a documentary on the mysterious disappearance of Aisha’s brother, they cross paths with another film crew, who are creating an even more sinister narrative.”

This came out in June 1,2022 in the Netherlands, wherever that is. Then it showed up at a Portugal film festival in March of 2023. I couldn’t find a bus that went there, so I missed it. Now it’s going to be at YET ANOTHER film festival on April 14, 2023. In Brazil. I am so done with trying to find buses with decipherable connecting routes to get me there.

Peculiar Treasures, Millions of Zombies, Ancient Peanut Butter

One of the ongoing tragedies of life is when you absolutely need a 3D Bat Air Freshener or Bigfoot Finger Feet or an essential Zombie Threat Level refrigerator magnet, and can’t find ’em anywhere. Calm your inner turmoil and just go to Portland, Oregon’s FreakyButTrue Peculiarium, a wonderland of all things tremendously useful weird and fun. Here’s their website if you think I’m making up all of this stuff.

Located at 2234 NW Thurman St., Portland, OR, the Peculiarium is similar to Archie McFee™ but goes even deeper into the mind-spinning novelty merch abyss. Alien art prints, Sasquatch devotional candles, giant lobster claws, Mothman shirts… So yeah, plan on spending at least three month’s wages there.

While we rent a U-Haul™ truck and go on a FreakyButTrue Peculiarium shopping run, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not be as irresistible as FBTP’s Jekyll & Hyde holiday ornaments… 

GANGNAM ZOMBIE / January 5, 2023 (VOD)

“Citizens from an area of Seoul start experiencing unusual and terrifying symptoms, devolving into inhuman creatures, leaving only a few survivors with the possibility to make it out alive.”

According to this little thing called the Internet (you may have heard of it), Seoul has a population of 9.9 million people. If you wanna see zombies, that’s the place to go. Just take the train to Busan. (You got that joke, right?)

TOXICA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“An injured stunt woman is infected by an ancient biological compound when a side job as a PI goes wrong.”

I bought a jar of ancient biological compound at the store the other day. It may look like peanut butter, but it’s way more addictive and has only half the saturated fat. We’re talkin’ some serious sandwich fixins.

IMMERSION / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Mysterious deaths befall on employees of a VR-tech company. There’s an unprecedented fear waiting between reality and the virtual world.”

Unprecedented fear waiting between reality and the virtual world. Where I live, that’s called Happy Hour.

NIGHTMARE AT PRECINCT 84 / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“On a stormy night on Christmas Eve, a small town female sheriff who secretly is a serial killer gets a visit from a mysterious woman who tells four bizarre stories. The first is about a small boy who has a terrifying encounter with the local ice cream truck. The second is about a young girl who takes up a phone sex operator job to pass the time, but a certain caller has other intentions. The third is about two women who discover the strange reality behind a tiny town they are trapped in and the fourth is about a man who makes a promise with haunting repercussions.”

A sheriff is a serial killer? Then she’s obligated to arrest herself or kill herself. Probably should do both.

Beastly Beers, Wicked Wind, Dating Vampires

The horror of beer is running out…or not having any at all. (I get the shakes just thinking about it.) But there are horror-themed beers that, if you drink ‘em all, you’d still have a cool can as a keepsake. So where do you obtain such canned and/or bottled delights? Here’s a few horror beers to make up for not having enough horror —or beer — in your world…

BATSQUATCH – ROGUE ALES (NEWPORT, OR)

Description: “A hazy IPA with balanced blends of El Dorado and Belma hops, imperial juice yeast and sweet, outdoorsy aroma. 6.7% ABV.” Note: Pairs nicely with thirst.

TROLL DESTROYER – 18TH STREET BREWERY (HAMMOND, IN)

Description: “A Belgian IPA with a sweet, citrus aroma up front, and a heavy El Dorado hop flavor. 8.5% ABV.” Pairs nicely with life.

BRAIN BELT ZOMBIE PUB CRAWL – AUGUST SCHELL BREWING COMPANY (NEW ULM, MN)

Description: “An American Lager. 4.9% ABV.” Pairs nicely with human flesh.

More to add to your bar tab wish list: Draculager (Woodland Empire/ Boise, ID), Creepshow (Warped Wing Brewing Co./Dayton, OH), and I-P-Alien (Odd13 Brewery/Lafayette, CO). All of these pair nicely with your brain cells.

While you road trip it every one of those states to drown yourself in the local flavors, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not had a budget more than your bar tab…

MINACIOUS / Out now (VOD)

“A customer service agent working from home is terrorized by a dissatisfied psychopathic caller.”

Try as you may, you just can’t please a psycho, no matter how many times you apologize for forgetting a birthday/anniversary/Christmas/leaving the lid up.

FIRENADO / January 3, 2023 (VOD)

“Four scientists uncover a ground-breaking technology capable of controlling weather. On the first use of the device, it malfunctions and creates a fire tornado. As the Firenado leaves a wake of destruction, the group assist in evacuating nearby residents but stumble upon into an organized crime home invasion. Stuck between a rock and a hard place, the group struggle to survive the two threats.”

Pffft — The X-Men’s Storm has been controlling weather since 1975. And she didn’t have to go to scientist school to learn how to do it, either. Natural skillz, b*tches!

THE PRICE WE PAY / January 13, 2023 (VOD)

“After a pawn shop robbery goes askew, two criminals take refuge at a remote farmhouse to let the heat die down, but find something much more menacing.”

It’s cow flop. And not just any sidewalk brand cow flop — this is MENACING cow flop. And it’s friggin’ everywhere. That’s what you get for being a criminal and thinking a farmhouse was a good place to hide out. What a bunch of dumbs.

THE LAST NOSFERATU / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Ethan has been single for several months and is frequenting bars when he decides to meet people via Internet sites. One night, he dates Black Pearl, whom he literally falls in love with. But hardly met, she disappears. She’s not answering his calls, so he decides to go looking for her. One evening, Black Pearl resurfaces and seems to be hiding a mysterious secret that will lead him to a tragic fate.”

Dating a vampire would totally…suck. Hey, how could I NOT encore with that? It’s what I do.

Godzilla Cups, Religious Demons, Toilet Ghosts

Expectedly, there’s a slew of Godzilla promotional tie-ins on the eve of Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). Carl’s Jr.™, the John Oates of fast food eateries, is offering soda cups featuring Godzilla, Mothra, King Ghidorah and Rodan. I plan on getting ‘em all and using them when I throw fancy dinner parties.

Microsoft™ scores with custom Godzilla and frenemies Xbox™ game systems, with the outer case looking like it was made from the actual hides of scaly monsters. The best part: Microsoft™ is GIVING THEM AWAY! Here’s how to get one or more: “In its latest Xbox Sweepstakes, the company is offering up the chance to win one of the four consoles via Twitter, and you have until June 7 to enter.” Never played an Xbox; I’m still trying to figure out checkers.

And even Mexico is getting in on the action, serving up the Godzilla Thickburger, which is composed of three beef patties, bacon and cheese. Order one with a side of screaming citizens.

While we immerse ourselves in all things Godzilla, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as a burger made in Mexico…

SAINT BERNARD (May 14, 2019)
“A classical musical conductor unravels into the abyss of insanity.”

A lot of Internet chatter about this one. Apparently it’s a surreal carnival ride for the mind. I thought that’s what booze is for. P.S. This was filmed on Super 16mm and 35mm film. That’s pretty surreal.

THE LODGE (2019)
“A soon-to-be-stepmom is snowed in with her fiancé’s two children at a remote holiday village. Just as relations finally begin to thaw between the trio, strange and frightening events threaten to summon psychological demons from her strict religious childhood.”

This could be good; strict religion is scary as Hell.

GHOST KILLERS VS. BLOODY MARY (2019)
“Four YouTubers with expertise in supernatural events are seeking recognition from the audience whilst solving the urban legend of the Bathroom Blonde Case and the spirit that haunts the schools’ bathroom in Brazil.”

There’s many ghosts haunting my bathroom — the lingering spirits of meals passed. Heh.

Streaming Zombies, Witch Sisters, Evil Internet

Netflix™, the world’s most popular movie streaming service, is set to unleash a zombie apocalypse come April 11, 2019. A prequel of sorts to the five-season Z Nation on the SyFy™ Channel (cool series, but at times a bit hard to chew on), this one takes place just a few months after the humanity diaper-change. Whereas Z Nation started out four years into the deadening.

Here’s what to expect: “Set in the dark, early days of a zombie apocalypse, a mother torn from her daughter who embarks upon a harrowing journey to find her. Thrust alongside a small group of American refugees, these complete strangers must find the strength they need to fight their way back to loved ones. But in order for Rose and her team to brave this hostile new world, they will need to make brutal decisions to contend with zombies — and each other.”

Kinda stock for a zombie uprising. But hey, what walking dead premise isn’t? If this ain’t your jam, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be worth a Netflix™ subscription…

BLOOD CRAFT (April 9, 2019)
“Two sisters who suffered abuse as children at the hands of their sadistic father decide, after his death, to use witchcraft to bring his spirit back to get revenge.”

Which begs the question — how do you get revenge on a ghost? It’s not like you could squirt shaving cream in his hand while he’s sleeping and then tickle his nose. If you could, that would be super harsh punishment.

DEPRAVED (2019)
Alex leaves his girlfriend Lucy after an emotional night, walking the streets alone to get home. From out of nowhere, he is stabbed in a frenzied attack, with the life draining out of him. He awakes to find he is the brain in a body he does not recognize. This creature, Adam, has been brought into consciousness by Henry, a brilliant field surgeon suffering from PTSD after two tours in the Mideast, and his accomplice Polidori, a predator determined to cash in on the experiment that brought Adam to life. Henry is increasingly consumed with remorse over what he’s done and when Adam finally discovers a video documenting his own origin, he goes on a rampage that reverberates through the group and tragedy befalls them all.”

Sounds like Frankenstein’s getting a makeover. I bet the Queer Eye guys could do miracles with this fashion hot mess.

A PSYCHO’S PATH (2019)
“Set in the late ’60s, a psychopath that stalks the streets of a small California desert town, killing it’s residents at random. This leaves Captain Peters and his small police force to search for the killer’s whereabouts before more victims turn up.”

So where would a killer hide in a small desert town? I don’t think this psychopath thought this one out.

NEKROTRONIC (2019)
“Howard North, who unknowingly holds a secret power, is dragged into a conflict between a family of badass demon hunting Nekromancers, and Finnegan — an evil demon who has possessed the world’s Internet — and is also his mother. Molly, a fierce Nekromancer warrior, is desperate to destroy the demon and believes that Howard has the right stuff to become a true hero. Together, they must work together to exorcise the fiend from the web and blow her back to Hell.”

An evil demon who has possessed the world’s Internet? Not sure how that works, especially when the Internet has already possessed the world. Still, I bet this evil thingamajig knows all the cool porn sites.

Game Sharks, Evil Warehouses, Dreadful Angels

If you’re looking to do some pre-Christmas shopping done, there is no better gift to get me than the new Jaws board game by Ravensburger. And here’s the supremely cool part — one player gets to be the shark!

Coming late June 2019, the Jaws board game will bite into your wallet for $30. Heck, I’d pay at least $35 for such a cool game. Here’s why…

“Like Steven Spielberg’s classic film, Jaws the board game plays out in two major acts. The first part has the player controlling the shark terrorizing Amity Island by attacking swimmers, while up to three other opponents — playing as Quint, Brody, and Hooper — try to cooperatively figure out exactly where the shark is hiding in the surrounding murky depths. Once the shark is located, the game switches to a second act.”

While you fight over who gets to buy me the game, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV series that may or may not be as ridiculously cool as a cardboard shark…

1st SUMMONING (February 22, 2019)
“As four student filmmakers unearth a bizarre history of occult practice tied to an abandoned warehouse, it becomes clear the horror they set out to document may have been lurking among them all along.”

Of course abandoned warehouses are where evil lives — the rent is cheap.

STRAY (March 1, 2019)
“An orphaned teenager teams up with the detective investigating her mother’s murder. They soon discover a supernatural force threatening the city and realize the teen possesses hidden powers of her own which might be the key to stopping it.”

Potential spoiler: The supernatural force threatening everyone is…REPUBLICANS. Time for Democrats to tap into their hidden powers and veto them back to Hell.

DARLIN’ (2019)
“Darlin’ picks up 10 years after the events of The Woman, when the titular character escaped with the then-young Darlin’ in tow. Now Darlin’ in is a Catholic home for girls while the Woman resides in an all-female homeless encampment.”

Didn’t see The Woman (2011), so I have no idea what they’re talking about. I looked it up and it was a sequel to Offspring (2009). Didn’t see that one, either. The internet says it was about cannibals. Sounds yummy.

PENNY DREADFUL: CITY OF ANGELS (2020)
“City of Angels will be set in 1938 Los Angeles, a time and place deeply infused with Mexican-American folklore and social tension. Rooted in the conflict between characters connected to the deity Santa Muerte and others allied with the Devil, Penny Dreadful: City of Angels will explore an exciting mix of the supernatural and the combustible reality of that period, creating new occult myths and moral dilemmas within a genuine historical backdrop.”

If this is even half as good as the Penny Dreadful TV series (2014 – 2016), which starred Count Dracula, Dr. Frankenstein and his science project, Dr. Jekyll, Dorian Gray, the Wolf-Man and a bunch of witches thrown in for flavor, then I plan on spending all my waking time binge watching it.

Million Dollar Monster, Undying House, Stinky Horror

Though reported by Bloody-Disgusting.com, Llamageddon (2018) — a new indie horror movie as of this e-scribbling — has been making steaming piles of news all over the Internet. While the cost to stream movies of any genre ranges from .99 cents to $6.99 (and above), Llamageddon’s price on Amazon.com is over…ONE MILLION DOLLARS.

Not joking, though it probably is a joke — and not just the title. It’s either a typo, a clever way to get publicity, or it’s for real. I’m thinkin’ the second one, though if some idiot with more money than brains rented it at full price, he/she just gave the filmmakers an early Christmas — for the next 10 years.

In case you have more money than brains, here’s the plot: “A killer llama from outer space crash lands on Earth and begins reigning havoc on a group of unsuspecting college students.” Why do I get the feeling someone’s reaching for their wallet right now?

If you want slightly more affordable barnyard horror, try Black Sheep (2006) from New Zealand. In that one, the fuzzy creatures don’t come from space, but rather are genetically tinkered, which turns them into ferocious people-eaters. You wouldn’t think that was cool, but it is.

But for now, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not drain your 401k…

THE GHOST BEYOND (available now)
“A struggling novelist moves his wife and young son to an old country home, but when a presence begins to communicate with his son, the family must escape an evil that threatens to doom them to the house for eternity.”

Same old plot, same old story, same old struggling novelist. And since when are novelists not struggling? And how can they afford an old country home in which to struggle? I say let the evil take the mom and kid, and then move into a nice, AFFORDABLE studio apartment that never dies.

THE HOUSE THAT NEVER DIES: THE REAWAKENING (available now)
“The sequel to the 2014 hit film The House That Never Dies is based on true events that took place at the spookiest of Beijing’s Four Oriental Haunted Houses. The story takes place a hundred years after a mutiny by warlords in Beijing when an expert in cultural relics encounters supernatural phenomena at the mansion on 81 Chaoyangmennei Street.”

Chaoyangmennei Street? Try spelling that right on the first five tries when calling for Lyft™. P.S. You wouldn’t think so, but you still have to add a ghost if you’re doing a shared ride. And yes, it costs the same as adding non-ghosts.

PLEDGE (January 11, 2019)
“Frat life has never been so scary. And we don’t mean the recent wave of headlines and controversies. Inspired by the rise of the ‘social’ thriller, Pledge promises to take a centuries-old American tradition to new extremes and explore the power dynamics that have led to so many deaths on American campuses.”

Yeah, I’m thinkin’ no to this one.

RESPIRA (2018/2019)
“Leonardo gets a job as a fumigator pilot in the soybean fields and moves with his family to the countryside. When he starts working, he discovers a dark secret that will put him and his family in danger.”

The dark secret is you can’t really fumigate anything with the word “bean” in it.

The Final Dead, Evil Clothes, Sex Zombies

Proceed with caution as there be spoilers ahead. For those who are hardcore (or even casual) Walking Dead fans, the final episode of Rick Grimes (Andrew Lincoln, whose father-in-law is hippie flute player Ian Anderson of Jethro Tull) was kind of a swerve.

Impaled by re-bar and barely escaping a herd/horde of walkers, Rick, bleeding out like a stuck pig, keeps passing out and hallucinating. Sounds like a night out at The Tug Tavern. Several past characters return to offer advice and to yell at him to wake up. Then he blows up a bridge over troubled waters, which cause a ton of zombies to cannonball into the raging river below.

Did Rick go ka-BOOM during the explosion? Not according to the last scene, which I won’t reveal. But it’s already in the works Rick will be back in not one but three impending Walking Dead movies, as well as directing a few episodes.

This is good news as I didn’t want Rick to go ka-BOOM. While we ponder the future of The Walking Dead without him, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jump off a bridge…

CAM (November 16, 2018)
“An ambitious cam-girl wakes up one day to discover she’s been replaced on her show with an exact replica of herself. As this copy begins to push the boundaries of Alice’s Internet identity, the control that Alice has over her life, and the men in it, vanishes. While she struggles to regain what she’s lost, she slowly finds herself drawn back to her show and to the mysterious person who has taken her place.”

Okay, that’s gotta feel weird, being replaced by yourself. If that happened to me, I’d tell that guy to get a haircut and wear something else besides KISS T-shirts day in and day out for months at a time.

UGLY SWEATER PARTY (November 23, 2018)
On Christmas Eve at a campsite deep in the woods, an ugly sweater party is in full swing. Best friends Cliff and Jody arrive expecting some mistletoe action from the sexy twins who invited them, but soon realize that they are at a Bible camp. To make matters worse, Cliff is wearing a sweater possessed by the ghost of notorious serial killer Declan Rains. While the evil sweater slowly possesses Cliff, Jody also realizes that the party guests aren’t as innocent as they first seem.

An evil sweater. Welcome to the bottom of the barrel.

ARCTIC (February, 2019)
“A man stranded in the Arctic is finally about to receive his long-awaited rescue. However, after a tragic accident, his opportunity is lost. He must then decide whether to remain in the relative safety of his camp or to embark on a deadly trek through the unknown for potential salvation.”

Unless a polar bear eats his head off and snacks on his entrails as if unheated lasagna.

RABID (2019)
“Rose, a young woman who, after an accident leaves her scarred beyond recognition, undergoes a radical untested stem-cell treatment. While turning Rose into the belle of the ball, the experimental transformation comes at a price.”

A remake of David Cronenberg’s same-named 1977 classic, which was a remake of his 1975 sex zombie movie, Shivers (1975). Check out the plot: “The residents of a suburban high-rise apartment building are being infected by a strain of parasites that turn them into mindless, sex-crazed fiends out to infect others by the slightest sexual contact.” Forget condoms — wear a wet suit.

Godzilla BFFs, Mutant Babies, Social Media Evil

A couple of new sales posters for the upcoming Godzilla: King of the Monsters (May 31, 2019). One doesn’t suck, one sucks, one is kinda okay. The “doesn’t suck” version, of course, depicts Godzilla choke-holdong it up in a no-holds barred street match with the clearly bigger King Ghidorah.

KH has three heads. Talk about multitasking; he could use one to bite Godzilla in the lunch sac, the second one to surf the Internet for kaiju porn, and the other to binge watch Game of Thrones on Netflix™. I wish I had three heads.

The first trailer for Godzilla: King of the Monsters is pretty badass, showing Rodan (mega huge Pterodactyl), the butterfly-esque Mothra (spokesbug for Raid™) and King G himself, who towers over the already embiggened Godzilla. 

Before you surf for kaiju porn, check out these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may not require three brains to understand…

CYNTHIA (August 31, 2018 / Limited); September 18, 2018 (VOD/DVD)
Robin and Michael are college sweethearts who have everything — a perfect marriage, adorable cat, a beautiful home. But one thing is missing from this idyllic setting — a baby. After years of fertility treatments their dreams come true when Robin finds out she is pregnant. Is this a dream come true or a nightmare come to life?

Nightmare come to life. That’s what the doctor told my mom when I was born. Maybe he directed this movie. (This remind anyone of It Lives/1978)?

I THINK WE’RE ALONE NOW (September 14/2018-Theaters/September 21, 2019-VOD)
“The apocalypse proves a blessing in disguise for one lucky recluse — until a second survivor arrives with the threat of companionship.”

Leave it to someone to always impose on your personal time. There goes leaving the bathroom door open during personal moments. The apocalypse sucks.

APOSTLE (October 12, 2018)
“London, 1905. Prodigal son Thomas Richardson has returned home, only to learn that his sister is being held for ransom by a religious cult. Determined to get her back at any cost, Thomas travels to the idyllic island where the cult lives under the leadership of the charismatic Prophet Malcolm. As Thomas infiltrates the island’s community, he learns that the corruption of mainland society that they claim to reject has infested the cult’s ranks nonetheless — and uncovers a secret far more evil than he could have imagined.”

What some people call religious cults, I call ‘em the barfly regulars up at the Tug Tavern. They seem to be worshiping the bartender every time I walk in there. Heck, you could call me a cult member with a bar tab. All praise a full glass and a Lyft™ ride home.

E-DEMON (2018)
“On a mission to bring the Devil to Earth, an escaped demon manipulates a group of friends hanging out on a video-chat. Since this ruthless demon can possess multiple people at once, knowing who to trust is the key to survival.”

More tech-savvy stink demons. Suppose you could call them malevolent malware. And you can call E-Demons YET ANOTHER teen sci-fi social media movie. Hit the delete button.

Lunar Health, Camping Aliens, Home Groan Farming

In a quest to contact my space brothers, I found a recent Outer Space: Where Science Meets Science Fiction video article on AOL.com (is that thing still around?) about the five effects space travel has on you. Think of it as primer, not unlike going to a tanning booth several weeks before a tropical vacation so you don’t go up like a piece of bacon in a microwave while sucking down artificially colored adult Slushees™ on the first day at the beach without sunblock or a big foofy hat.

1. Height. According to the laws and physics of science as it applies to space travel, zero gravity can expand your vertebrae by 3%. This means you’ll have to pack extra long space britches. Warning: you will return to normal height once back on Earth. Don’t know about you, but I don’t plan on coming back. Wonder if Big & Tall™ sells extra-large Speedos™?

2. Being in space weakens your muscle and bones. Pffft — so does laying on your couch after binge watching Lost in Space on Netflix™. 

3. The size and shape of your heart can be affected. That’s if you even have one. I don’t.

4. Isolation in space can weaken your immune system. It’s claimed that unhealthy microbes can easily pass from food and other space travelers like swapping spit in a meteor shower. Solution: Just drink Romulan Ale and don’t try any lip locks in the air locks.

5. Your airless environment can be a cause of depression and sleep disorders. This is because there’s a 90-minute light/dark cycle in space versus the Earth’s 24-hour cycle. We Earthers have already solved that problem by leaving our TVs/iPads/smart phones on all night, bathing us in refreshing blue wave light. Some say that’s not good for you. I say it gives us more time to watch more TV and Internet cat videos. How can that possibly be depressing?

So it looks like I’m all set to fill out my immigration papers to gain citizenship on any planet other than this. And while I wait for a green card light signal from a distant galaxy approving my space visa, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not affect the size and shape of your heart. Or vertebrae.

THE ALIENS (available now)
“A UFO believer must choose between the aliens above he has never seen or the mysterious guide who appears in his campsite week after week.”

The mysterious guide is probably Yogi Bear coming for your pic-a-nic basket. (I knew watching old cartoons would someday pay off.)

WHO’S WATCHING OLIVER (July 3, 2018)
“A mentally unstable loner is lost in a life forced upon him. By night Oliver aimlessly wanders the streets and bars on what can only be described as a truly shocking and humiliating killing spree. His only savior and possible way out of a life he is desperate to escape comes in the form of the beautiful Sophia with her sweet eccentricity and naivety to the danger she has put herself in.”

Sophia could very well have been my babysitter, though I didn’t go on shocking and humiliating killing sprees. More like shocking and humiliating cookie jar assaults.

SOLIS (2018)
“When Troy Holloway wakes up to find himself trapped aboard a drifting escape pod shooting towards the Sun he quickly realizes the true terror of his situation. With rapid oxygen depletion and a burn-up rate of 90 minutes, Commander Roberts leads a rescue party to save Holloway before time runs out.”

Two words for Troy before plunging into the Sun: Bring marshmallows.

MANIAC FARMER (2018)
“A group of street punks led by the murderous Blasphemous Rex meet their match when they choose to terrorize a seemingly helpless farmer who ends up turning the tides on the group, and the hunters become the hunted.”

A plot so weak, even a spinach-less Popeye could rip it in half. So what does this “maniac” farmer do on his farm? Grow killer tomatoes? (Tell me you got that reference.)