Archive for internet

Crayon Horror, Rodent Republicans, Werewolf Babies

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Werewolves with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 10, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Beauty of Horror III

The horror genre is colorful (where would the popularity of movie screen blood be if it was puce?), so why not make a coloring book based on it. Or how about two coloring books? Better still, three coloring books?

The Beauty of Horror

Enter The Beauty of Horror 3: Haunted Playgrounds coloring book by Alan Robert, arriving July 2018 from IDW Publishing. Time to bust out those old Crayola crayons and get your Picasso on.

Crayola

Speaking of the world’s most favorite drawing implement this side of a chisel and stone tablet (a bit cumbersome, but makes a rather bold statement), in 2008 Crayola had 120 colors from which to augment your graffiti. Colorful memories recall Macaroni & Cheese, Atomic Tangerine, Inch Worm, and my favorite, Beaver (a metaphorical cross between Fuzzy Wuzzy Brown and Tickle Me Pink.) Today’s Crayola colors number in the billions. Or so I’ve heard. (No word whether or not “Shard” made the grade.)

While you contemplate that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not stay inside the lines…

Ratpocalypse

RATPOCALYPSE (December 12, 2017)
American Senator John Perryman, a man of pure and humble soul with a warrior’s disposition, delivers a fiery speech in Moscow about the country’s main evil — corruption. A corruption so pervasive it will turn men into “rats.” He declares that he was ordered from above to speak to them and threatens everyone with the loss of their human form, which draws only guffaws and resentment from the people. Many take the Senator for a madman as gradually, all his friends and relatives turn away from him. Eventually the Senator meets a mysterious girl in the streets who seems to be his guardian angel but soon, everything he talked about in Moscow begins to come true, triggering panic in Russia and around the world.”

If I were to choose a parasitic form for politicians to morph into, it’d be butt worms. Oh wait, that already happened. Still, rat-faced politicians, while new to movies, is nothing out of the ordinary. Just turn on the news.

OCCUPATION (2018)
“After a devastating intergalactic attack on Earth, the last surviving humans must band together for the sake of survival. As war looms, and the struggle to stay alive worsens, they realize the only way to save the human race is to stay one step ahead of their attackers and strike back.”

Wow. That couldn’t be a more limp sausage, generic press release. And why “intergalactic”? Couldn’t they have just said, “beyond Earthly confines”? That sounds way more science-y.

Good Manners

GOOD MANNERS (aka, As Boas Maneiras/2018)
“Clara, a lonely nurse from the outskirts of São Paulo, is hired by mysterious and wealthy Ana to care for and protect her son after he is born not looking like a human.”

A Brazilian horror movie foreignly released summer/August of 2017, that, while given the U.S. title of Good Manners, actually translates to The Good Ways. Absolutely none of the above works at all as the newborn is a werewolf. (Not a spoiler; it’s all over the Internet thingamajig.) And while we’re on the subject, since when does a newborn look anything like a human? I’m thinkin’ more of along the lines of shaved peaches. (Come to think of it, that could be another cool Crayola color.)

The Toybox

THE TOYBOX (2018)
“A family goes on a cross-country trip across America and get stranded in the desert by a supernatural force that is slowly killing them off.”

Yep, someone busted a grumpy in the RV toilet and didn’t jiggle the handle. The same supernatural force can be experienced walking into a gas station restroom.

40 Year-Old Horror, Literary Madman, Male Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween

Every since it was announced Jamie Lee Curtis was returning to reprise her role as Laurie Strode in Halloween (first released in 1978), fans have been clamoring in their pants. So much so, fan art for the as yet untitled Halloween sequel (scheduled for October 18, 2018), has been popping up like seasonal measles all over the Internet, the one featured here being one of the better examples. (Don’t know who to credit as they didn’t put their secret identity on it.)

Halloween

Until the REAL title is announced, we’ll just have to be happy with the official plot: “Laurie Strode comes to her final confrontation with Michael Myers, the masked figure who has haunted her since she narrowly escaped his killing spree on Halloween night four decades ago.”

Meanwhile, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that hopefully won’t make you wait 40 years for the sequel…

Edgar Allen Poe: Buried Alive

EDGAR ALLEN POE: BURIED ALIVE (October 30, 2017/PBS)
Edgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive draws on the rich palette of Poe’s evocative imagery and sharply drawn plots to tell the real story of the notorious author. Narrated by Oscar — and Tony — nominated, two-time Golden Globe-winner Kathleen Turner, American MastersEdgar Allan Poe: Buried Alive explores the misrepresentations of Poe as a drug-addled madman akin to the narrators of his horror stories.”

Looking forward to this one as it stars the brilliantly versatile Denis O’Hare from the American Horror Story series. That guy comfortably wears so many acting hats, I’m surprised his next movie isn’t about a haberdashery, which I believe is a British hat store. Hat is way easier to spell than haberdashery.

Attack of the Killer Donuts

ATTACK OF THE KILLER DONUTS (November 17, 2017)
“A chemical accident turns ordinary donuts into blood thirsty killers. Now it’s up to Johnny, Michelle and Howard to save their sleepy town from…Killer Donuts.”

Yeah, but what kind of donuts? Bear Claws seem to make obvious sense. Not so much for maple bars — unless they’re thrown at your head as if a yummy, sticky brick. Still, we’ve already had Attack of the Killer Tomatoes (1978); what’s next — Attack of the Killer Hot Dogs? That actually might be cool, now that I think about it.

Scream Queen! My Nightmare on Elm Street

SCREAM QUEEN! MY NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET (2017/2018)
“A documentary film focusing on the gay experience in Hollywood horror, Scream, Queen! My Nightmare On Elm Street explores how that experience has changed in the three decades since Mark Patton’s controversial portrayal of Jesse Walsh, the object of Freddy Krueger’s latent desire in Nightmare on Elm Street 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985).”

Scream, Queen! examines the infamous homo-erotic subtext and the special place the film holds in the Nightmare franchise as well as the gay film canon. Partly in thanks to evolving social mores, Nightmare on Elm Street 2 — which was considered controversial at the time of its release — is now being looked back upon with a new appreciation and fondness by horror aficionados and fans of the series. While Freddy’s Revenge, dubbed “the gayest horror movie ever made,” cemented Freddy as a pop culture icon, Patton was never heard from again. After 30 years of living in near obscurity, Patton is back to talk about how his American dream became a nightmare during the homophobic AIDS crisis in Hollywood and why he had to give it all up.”

Just because they showed a male bare bottom being invisibly horsewhipped in Nightmare on Elm Street 2 doesn’t mean it’s a gay horror movie. It’s the scene where Jesse would rather crawl through a bedroom window to “crash” with his bare-chested buddy than have willing, carte blanche relations with his hot red-headed girlfriend.

Restraint

RESTRAINT (2018)
“A disturbed young woman who plunges into a darkness after becoming unexpectedly pregnant, becoming a threat to her family and herself.”

So much for a second date. Then again, plunging into darkness just might re-heat the leftovers.

Finding UFOs, Imagined Ghosts, Whiskey Cake

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

UFO Detector

Found this old UFO Detector ad and it got me thinking — my old one is on its last legs and I need a new UFO Detector with more buttons and shinier lights. That means it’ll work better.

So did my old UFO Detector — purchased on eBay™ for $800 actually work? Yes and no. Yes, in that it kept detecting things I was cooking (unidentified frying objects). No, in that I was unable to get a refund.

Speaking of getting your money back for bogus products, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not detect anything but how much disposable income you have in your wallet and how few operating brain cells you have left in your head…

The Basement

THE BASEMENT (October 7, 2017/ Shriekfest Film Festival)
“An L.A. serial killer known as The Gemini, tortures and ultimately murders his victims in the dungeon-like basement of his San Fernando Valley home. Gemini has already claimed seven victims, all of whom he has horrifyingly maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch, but Craig Owen, the famed musician who Gemini has chosen for his eighth victim, and Craig’s beautiful wife Kelly prove every bit the killers equal in the art of psychological warfare, giving rise to one of the more diabolical plot twists in recent memory.”

Maimed and decapitated with a blowtorch. Along with peanut butter and olive loaf sandwiches, several words you probably wish to never hear again. But apparently there are enough torture porn freaks out there (looking in your direction every one of you) to make this a mouth-curling viewing experience.

1922

1922 (October 29, 2017/Netflix™)
1922 is based on Stephen King’s 131-page story telling of a man’s confession of his wife’s murder. The tale is told from the perspective of Wilfred James, the story’s unreliable narrator who admits to killing his wife, Arlette, with his son in Nebraska. But after he buries her body, he finds himself terrorized by rats and, as his life begins to unravel, becomes convinced his wife is haunting him.”

Horror author icon Stephen King continues his hot streak with this offering of old time-y ghosts, real or imagined. The rats are real, though. They make up most of the population of Nebraska from what the Internet tells me. I want to believe.

Halloween Pussy Trap KIll! Kill!

HALLOWEEN PUSSY TRAP KILL! KILL! (October 27, 2017)
“On Halloween an all girl rock-n-roll band called Kill Pussy Kill ventures out to play their biggest show to date. However, before hitting the road they manage to unwittingly upset a man. Unfortunately, this man turns out to be an evil genius dead set on revenge and manages to lure the girls into his Hell House. When they wake up from being gassed, they find themselves trapped inside an inescapable room filled with a vicious variety of devices that can kill them as well as a variety of weapons that can be used on each other. The rules are simple: advance through all three rooms and you are allowed to go free. The catch is, in order to make it to the next room, someone must die! With a ticking clock, and the mastermind watching, the question becomes — are you willing to kill to stay alive?”

A nice homage to Russ MeyersFaster Pussycat! Kill! Kill! (1965). That one has voluptuous, sadistic go-go dancers causing all sorts of misc. heckaroo. Halloween Pussy Trap Kill! Kill! sounds like a segment from any one of the Saw movies. I prefer go-go dancers with a penchant for low-cut fashion-ware and purse cutlery.

Impossible Horror

IMPOSSIBLE HORROR (2018)
“Every night a scream rings out in the same neighborhood. Two insomniac strangers, Lily the filmmaker and Hannah the game designer, head out together into the darkness to find the cause. Is it a psychotic killer claiming a new victim? A murderous ghost out for revenge? A flesh-eating monster? All of the above with extra chainsaws? Before they know it, Lily and Hannah have gone from being scream hunters to scream prey, and an evil force wants them dead.  If they can both survive the night, they may just find the answers they’re looking for, but the price will have to be paid in sanity and blood.”

Sounds like another typical night at TGI Fridays™. And yes, “evil force” is on their menu under desserts: Tennessee Whiskey Cake (Toffee cake, candied pecans, vanilla ice cream. Butterscotch Jack Daniel’s® Whiskey sauce.) The price is whatever the going rate for a soul is these days.

Revenge Porn, Old/New Zombies, Skin Appetizers

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Jeepers Creepers 3

Finally. The long overdue Jeepers Creepers 3 is getting a limited theatrical showing (September 26, 2017 in Los Angeles), with the anticipated movie becoming available on VOD shortly thereafter.

Jeepers Creepers 2 came out in 2003, and every since horror fans have been Jeeper-ing for more Creeper-ing. The bat-winged, hat-wearing, human meat-craving monster is said to take his once-every-23-years binge eating spree to new levels of gore and chewing with your mouth open.

While we wait for dinner to be served, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi morsels to whet your appetite…

The Lost Tree

THE LOST TREE (October 13, 2017/Limited)
“After a serious traumatic accident, a man leaves his old life behind and moves to an isolated cabin to start over. He soon learns of the surroundings of the area and its dangerous past.”

Not a lot to go on from this press release. Are there poisonous woodchucks in the vicinity? Is the landlord a Republican? Does the toilet on the cabin flush without needing to jiggle the handle? I hope it’s all of the above.

#FromJennifer

#FROMJENNIFER (2017)
Jennifer Peterson is having a very rough week. She’s been fired from a movie shoot, her manager just dropped her, and her boyfriend dumped her, right after releasing a sex tape of them together. But Jennifer has decided to turn things around: she hatches a plot she calls ‘Revenge Porn Revenge,’ in which she plans to settle the score by filming a devastatingly elaborate video and posting it online, making herself famous in the process. But like everything else in her life lately, her revenge plot doesn’t go according to plan, and a shocking trail of carnage is left in her wake.”

Clearly, Jennifer is not familiar with the famous one-liners from Confucius, the iconic Chinese teacher/philosophizer from way, way, way back in the day (551 BC – 479 BC). His stand-up routine often included this one: “Before embarking on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves.” Snap! But despite all my clicking around, I still can’t find any of his comments about sex tapes.

Day of the Dead

DAY OF THE DEAD (2017/2018)
“The post-apocalyptic tale follows a former medical student tormented by a dark figure from her past, who happens to be a half-human, half-zombie hell-bent on destroying her.”

So is this a remake/reboot/re-do over of 1985’s Day of the Dead? According to the e-blabbing on the Internet, the movie lifts a few flesh-swallowing elements from that decades old zombie romp and stuffs ’em into the new storyline. Kinda like padding a meatloaf with oatmeal.

You Shall Not Sleep

YOU SHALL NOT SLEEP (2018)
“Set in an abandoned psychiatric hospital, where a radical theater group experiment with insomnia for the preparation of a stage play. With the passage of days without sleep, they reach new thresholds of perception, about the energies and hidden stories of the place. But when Bianca joins the cast, she must survive not only the intensity of work and her companions, but an unknown force that pushes her, like others, to a tragic outcome.”

Pffft — you don’t need sleep deprivation to reach new thresholds of perception. That’s what alcohol is for. People be so dumb.

Finnish Superheroes, Hitler Dinosaurs, Vampire Neighbors

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, UFOs, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 17, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Rendel

Been watching the new Marvel™ TV series Iron Fist on Netflix™. There are good aspects and some so bad it causes involuntary facial flinching. Daniel Rand, introduced as a kid who lost his corporate rich mom and dad in a relaxing vacation plane wreck over the Himalayas, is rescued by invisible monks and raised for the next 15 years to be the next Iron Fist, solely designed to wipe out the evil gang, The Hand. They beat him with sticks every day to reinforce their clenched mandate.

15 years later he shows up unexpectedly in downtown New York as a shoeless street bum (with hipster beard and an iPod™), trying to reconnect with his dad’s company. (He’s an heir worth billions and yet can’t afford socks, matching or otherwise.)

All of this I can get behind except they make him say and do stupid things. (Really bad chi-generating meditation moves and stilted kung-fu reference dialogue.) Worst, they give him a lava glowing fist that, when he’s provoked by violence, lights up and he can punch criminals and/or walls right in the sheet rock. Walls pretty much deserve it because they impede proper feng shui. Stupid walls.

All in all, mildly entertaining, but a surprising misstep by Marvel™, whose only blemish on a stellar track record has been The Fantastic Four. (Note to Marvel — PLEASE quite trying to make that one work. No one gives a crap about a guy who can stretch like a rubber band and another one who looks like passed kidney stones.)

Speaking of things to pass on, here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be medically assisted to leave your body…

RENDEL (2017)
“A dark avenger is born when a worldwide corporation known as VALA launches an untested vaccine called Nh25 into the market by bribing, threatening, and killing every official opposing them.

Rendel unleashes his own special kind of hell against VALA, threatening to put an end the distribution of Nh25 As blood spills and the money burns, VALA recruits a group of mercenaries to do what they seemingly can’t, eliminate Rendel permanently.”

Rendel is Finland’s first superhero movie. About time they jumped on the bandwagon. Heck, I’m filming my own superhero movie as we speak: Yell Man: Neighbor Wars (pending $10 million crowd-funding.) Sounds like Rendel is a cross between Spawn (1997) and, well, me (I have a suit just like his, so you can see why people would make the connection. And by people, I mean me.) Despite a personal affront, looking forward to this one.

Living Among Us

LIVING AMONG US (2017)
“A documentary crew is sent in to interview a family of vampires whose existence has been made known to the world. But soon the crew realizes their very lives are in danger as they uncover a deadly secret and must fight for survival.”

Sounds like they took the framework of Fright Night (1985) and went to town with it. So vampires are living next door. Might be time to order some garlic polo shirts and Internet-ordered wooden stakes and go door-to-door because now I’m thinking those aren’t just a-holes living next to me, but bloodsucking a-holes.

Iron Sky: The Coming Race

IRON SKY: THE COMING RACE (February 14, 2018)
“Twenty years after the events of Iron Sky, the former Nazi Moonbase has become the last refuge of mankind. Earth was devastated by a nuclear war, but buried deep under the wasteland lies a power that could save the last of humanity — or destroy it once and for all. The truth behind the creation of mankind will be revealed when an old enemy leads our heroes on an adventure into the Hollow Earth. To save humanity they must fight the Vril, an ancient shape-shifting reptilian race and their army of dinosaurs.”

You can look but you may not find anything as crazy cool as Iron Sky (2012). And now with it’s sequel (which I e-barfed about on November 11, 2014) is within release sight. The new trailer shows a reanimated Hitler riding a T-Rex like it was a hobby horse, looking to re-take the world from the inside out. (Turns out those hollow Earthers were right. My apologies.) Consider putting Iron Sky: The Coming Race on your to-do/bucket list.

Lovecraft_Country

LOVECRAFT COUNTRY (HBO/in-production)
“After his father goes missing, Black joins up with his friend Letitia and his Uncle George to embark on a road trip across 1950s Jim Crow America to find him. This begins a struggle to survive and overcome both the racist terrors of white America and the malevolent spirits that could be ripped from a Lovecraft paperback.”

Racists and dark god entities. And how does this differ from the current political administration? You’ve already seen this — every night on the news.

Chupacabras, Kaijus & STDs

Posted in Bigfoot, Evil, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 4, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Tunnel

Get a lot of e-mails asking why I don’t have a Facebook page or a Twitter account to publicize this here blog-blog. Gotta say, I’m not a fan of social media. That, and I don’t get paid to do this, so why make more work for myself? I’d rather spend that time on a bar stool.

However, I have been putzing around with some video-editing software and am roughing out a promo commercial for Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ to put on YouTube™. While you’re impatiently waiting for its debut, here’s some new horror/sci-fi to help pass the time…

TUNNEL (April 4, 2017 / VOD – May 2, 2017 / DVD)
Jung-soo is a car salesman fighting for survival inside a collapsed tunnel while rescue workers race against time to free him. The ensuing rescue operation becomes the subject of widespread media coverage and frenzy. But days go by, nerves stretch thin and Jung-soo must struggle for his life in the suffocating darkness alone.”

Too bad Jung-soo wasn’t a scuba tank salesman — just kick back and suck some sweet compressed air while everybody does all the work digging you out.

Colossal

COLOSSAL (April 7, 2017)
“A woman moves back home after losing her job and being dumped by her boyfriend. Her life takes a sudden turn when a giant kaiju-like creature appears in South Korea and she begins to suspect she may be connected to it.”

Yeah, I already wrote about this back on January 20, 2017. But couldn’t pass up the opportunity to show off the nutty cool Russian key art for this movie. From what I’m able to discern from the trailer is that whatever the chick does, so does the giant monster. Really hoping she doesn’t come down with a case of painful rectal itch.

Chupacabra Territory

CHUPACABRA TERRITORY (April 11, 2017)
“Four friends hike into the Pinewood Forest to find evidence of the Chupacabra, an ancient creature believed to be responsible for the disappearance of four experienced hikers a year earlier. As they journey deeper into the forest, their innocent search uncovers more than they had ever hoped for, and with it a darkness that threatens to consume their very existence. One by one they are hunted down, their survival tested, their lives hanging in the balance of fear, friendship, disbelief and horror.”

You could swap out Chupacabra with Bigfoot or Moth Man or a stink bear and it would still be the same movie we’ve all seen time and time again. I bet they downloaded the plot template from the Internet. I do it all the time.

She Kills

SHE KILLS (April 11, 2017)
“Sadie’s life is destroyed when a vicious gang called ‘The Touchers’ targets her for their sadistic fantasies after witnessing her sexy but innocent naked frolicking in a nearby field. On her wedding night they attack her and her husband Edward, brutalizing both of them. But during the attack the virgin bride discovers a dangerous secret about her body – she is cursed with the legendary STD ‘Fire Crotch’, a condition where Satan has laid claim to her vagina. After visiting her fortune teller friend Casparella, a space exorcism is attempted, but it only ends up unlocking secret hidden powers inside her.”

They had me at “naked frolicking” but lost me with “Fire Crotch.” And yet I’ll still watch every man-cringing moment of it. For educational purposes, of course.

Psychosis, Delusions and Pregnancy

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 16, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Story

Been trying to learn new languages by watching foreign horror movies without sub-titles so as to become fluent in Spanish, French, German and the massively challenging Chinese. (I don’t know how people can speak in Chinese without hurting their mouth.) Is it working? Shì hé fǒu.

Anyway, here’s some new simple language horror movies headed your way…

DEAD STORY (January 20, 2017/VOD)
“A young married couple, who after purchasing their first home, realize that either the house is selectively haunting only the wife, or she’s developing a delusional psychosis.”

Neither. It’s just a bad case of buyer’s remorse.

Arbor Demon

ARBOR DEMON (February 2, 2017)
“An adventurous married couple and an injured hunter are held captive inside a claustrophobic tent by a supernatural threat. For an unknown reason, the tent has become their only safe haven. Soon tensions rise and the truth about the attacker is revealed.”

The kicker line, “Don’t Breathe,” is just plain dumb. What, did somebody fart in the tent? If so, was it flatulence born of an expression of extreme fear or freshly consumed raw broccoli? Knowing this will help determine the fright quotient of said stinky emissions.

Prevenge

PREVENGE (February 10, 2017/UK)
“Ruth, a pregnant woman, is on a killing spree. It’s her misanthropic unborn baby dictating Ruth’s actions, holding society responsible for the absence of a father. The child speaks to Ruth from the womb, coaching her to lure and ultimately kill her unsuspecting victims.”

A pregnant woman on a killing spree. Proof that there are no more sacred cows left unslaughtered. And to all female readers, I did NOT just call a pregnant woman a cow, although that could apply around the third trimester. Please don’t killing spree me.

Atomica

ATOMICA (March 17, 2017/Limited; March 21, 2017/VOD)
“In the near future, when communications go offline at a remote nuclear power plant isolated in the desert, a young safety inspector, Abby Dixon, is forced to fly out to bring them back online. Once inside the facility, mysterious clues and strange behaviors cause Abby to have doubts about the sanity, and perhaps identities, of the two employees onsite.”

Yeesh, just unplug the communications, wait 10 seconds, and plug ‘em back in. Rebooting solves 95% of offline errors. As for people going crazy, who among us doesn’t go all psychotic when we can’t get on the Internet?