Horror Icon, Sci-Fi God, Native American Ghosts

In place of my usual incitefully snarky (ahem) blog entry intro, I’d like to express my saddened thoughts on the recent, untimely passing of legendary horror filmmaker George A. Romero, 77, who was inarguably the father of the contemporary zombie movie genre.

George, as you should know, was the man behind the timeless and rule-breaking Night of the Living Dead back in 1968. He went on to make such VHS stand-outs as The Crazies (1973), Dawn of the Dead (1978), and The Dark Half (1993), as well as more zombie legacy movies. George, you are, and will continue to be, greatly missed.

Here are a few upcoming horror and sci-fi movies that may not be missed. Or may.

GOD PARTICLE (October 27, 2017)
“A team of astronauts aboard a space station find themselves alone after a scientific experiment involving a particle accelerator makes the Earth vanish. When a space shuttle appears, the space station crew must fight for survival following their horrible discovery.”

The Internet (or “the biggest toilet in the matrix) is claiming this is the third installment of the sorta Cloverfield series. I sure the f-word hope so, as I had more than a few questions after the sorta sequel 10 Cloverfield Lane (2016). A few, though, had been answered by some rather impressive researched clues on YouTube™ that connects Cloverfield (2009) and the second flick-o-rama, with 10 Cloverfield Lane’s Howard Stambler (played by the awesome John Goodman) being the connecting link. (Crap — and all this time I thought it was the aliens.)

Wikipedia™ has this to say about that: “The first hints God Particle was connected to the Cloverfield brand came when a piece of the viral marketing for 10 Cloverfield Lane included a sound clip that was supposedly from the International Space Station.”

Rather than use up your vision with my half-assed summation, get on YouTube™ and pull up Cloverfield; you’ll be amazed — and aghast — that someone would spend so much time digging for very deep clues/answers. The only thing I research are bar stools.

AKUMA (2017)
“Akira Tanaka, a young and attractive but emotionally damaged Japanese woman moves to the United States to escape a past marked by tragedy. She moves in with her sister Hana and her new husband Adam, hoping to leave her demons behind and start a new life. But as Akira’s behavior grows increasingly erratic and strange disturbances mark the night, Akira is forced to reveal her real reason for coming: to flee the malevolent spirit that has been tormenting her since childhood…and which appears to have followed her here.”

MOHAWK (2017/2018)
“After one of her tribe sets an American soldiers’ camp ablaze, a young female Mohawk finds herself pursued by a ruthless band of renegades bent on revenge. Fleeing deep into the woods, Mohawk youths Oak and Calvin confront the bloodthirsty Colonel Holt and his soldiers. As the Americans seem to close in from all sides, the trio must summon every resource — both real and supernatural — as the brutal attack escalates.”

Man, I wish I could summon supernatural resources. First, I’d have them get me a Frisko Freeze™ burger, just to clear my mind. Then, I’d have them build me an in-ground swimming pool. And once they bring me a case of Budweiser™, I’d float in my new in-ground swimming pool and drink it all and, in a hazy state, would unleash utter Heck on Earth. And have another Frisko Freeze™ burger.

THE SIX BILLION DOLLAR MAN (2018)
“Mark Wahlberg’s upcoming action adventure — The Six Billion Dollar Man — is an upgrade of the 1970s TV series The Six Million Dollar Man.”

Yeesh — that’s quite a price increase. Who do they think they are — Seattle landlords?

Some might remember the 1974 ABC series, starring Lee Majors as Col. Steve Austin, who had a near fatal car ka-BOOM and taxpayers funded his bionic arms, legs (and everything else that dangled) with hi-techery. Two things I remember from that TV show, which also spun-off The Bionic Woman in 1976. (She was rebuilt after a skydiving accident made her go splat.) First, Col. Austin always seemed to be wearing a red track suit. Unfashionable in any decade. Secondly, was that weirdly cool science-y reverb noise — sounding like a snapped bed spring — that happened every time he did something with his bionic add-ons. It’s available as a ringtone in case you want to be retro chic.

Smart Aliens, Evilness & World Destroying Cats

Looking at the overflowing toilet of impending horror/sci-fi movies, I’m visibly shocked and probably shaken to the core that there are no movies about robot werewolves. Hollywood — where are you? I’ve written 13 scripts, all ready to go. Admittedly, they’re all the same. But hey, if it’s not broken, why fix it?

Here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi flicks that don’t have robot werewolves in ‘em…

LIFE (May 26, 2017)
“A six-member crew of the International Space Station is on the cutting edge of one of the most important discoveries in human history: the first evidence of extraterrestrial life on Mars. As the crew begins to conduct research, their methods end up having unintended consequences and the life form proves more intelligent than anyone ever expected.”

Of course extraterrestrials are more intelligent than we are; they don’t live here. A big-budget sci-fi movie featuring movie stars who have more money in their bank accounts than us non-Hollywood types. They should pay us to go to the movies.

FROM A HOUSE ON WILLOW STREET (2017/VOD/Limited)
“Roguish kidnappers abduct the daughter of a wealthy diamond distributor. When they have her locked up in their hideout, they realize she’s been possessed by a sinister demon.”

Rougish kidnappers. They sound mean. I hope the sinister demon gives them a smack lesson in civic manners and such.

MOGGY CREATURES (in-production/2017)
“A couple takes in a stray cat, hoping to rebuild their marriage, only to have it spawn a litter of evil monsters.”

If you need a cat to rebuild your marriage, your relationship is already in the dumper. As for a litter of evil monsters, they’re cats; what did you expect? Cats have been planning the end of the world long before we started buying ‘em Fancy Feast™, sparkle collars and giving them names like “Shakespurr” and “Sir Pickles Pennybottom.”

NIGHTWORLD (2017)
“When former LAPD officer Brett Anderson takes a job as head of security at an old apartment building in Bulgaria’s capital, he soon begins to experience a series of bizarre and terrifying events. Once he begins to delve deep into the building’s sinister history, and investigate its shadowy owners and past employees, Brett soon uncovers a malevolent force nestled deep in the bowels of the building in basement that will do anything to be set free into our world.”

Sound familiar? Of course it does. This was the same plot for Mirrors (2008), except in that one it was an evil department store. But hey, “apartment” rhymes with “department,” so guilty as charged.

CUT SHOOT KILL (2017)
“Serena Brooks, an ambitious young actress, signs on as the star of a horror film with a crew of backwoods filmmakers that have worked together for years. When the cast starts disappearing, Serena has to become her character if she wants to survive.”

YET ANOTHER case of plot-lifting. This was the outline of Cut, released back in 2000. That one starred Molly Ringwald, who was in the delightful, yet critically savaged Jem and the Holograms (2015). The media can be so cruel.