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Kaiju Chums, Wrathful Windmills, Woodland Cults

Posted in demons, Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Godzilla, Nature Gone Wild, paranormal, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 29, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Godzilla vs. Kong 2 isn’t just a fevered dream of, say, someone who might drink a LOT of beer, it’s also happening…for real. Now filming in Australia (or “Hollower Earth ”), GvK2 is slated for release on March 15, 2024. In impatient fan years, that’s like 100. (Note: The above graphic is NOT anywhere near being the official ad sheet. I hereby divest myself of any and all blame.)

Here’s what they’re telling us about the biblical event thus far: “The new movie pits the almighty Kong and the fearsome Godzilla against a colossal undiscovered threat hidden within our world, challenging their very existence – and our own. It will delve further into the histories of these Titans, their origins and the mysteries of Skull Island and beyond, while uncovering the mythic battle that helped forge these extraordinary beings and tied them to humankind forever.”

I need to take a cold shower. Before I do, I’m seeing the movie might also be called Godzilla and Kong and Godzilla and Kong: Origins, suggesting these two city-wrecking rascals are now BFFs. Cute. I’ll check Instagram™ for their selfies and hug-it-out posts. 

While we’re forced to wait for the future to hurry up and get here right the f-word now, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not induce fever dreams brought on by beer… 

MIRAL / Out now (VOD)

“A family on a car journey runs into trouble in a windmills farm. The husband tries to save them from mysterious occurrences that are happening.”

A windmill is a structure that converts wind power into rotational energy by means of vanes called sails or blades, specifically to mill grain. Unless that milled grain is used to make evil sandwich bread and/or delicious, artificially-colored breakfast cereals, not seeing the point here.

THE LONG DARK TRAIL / Release pending 2022 (VOD)

“After two impoverished teenage brothers manage to escape their abusive father, they embark on a treacherous and haunted journey in the hope of finding their estranged mother who has joined a sadistic cult, deep in the woods of Northwest Pennsylvania.”

Impoverished. I’ve used that word lots of times when settling up a bar tab, “Sorry — I seem to be a little impoverished this week. Can you cover me until pay day?” Works every time. 

T BLOCKERS / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“When ancient parasites that thrive on hatred rise from beneath a small town, taking the most fearful and susceptible as hosts, a young trans filmmaker struggling to transition in increasingly hostile times for LGBTQ+ people, finds herself the only one who can sense the possessed, and rally the resistance before the horror escapes and spreads.”

Given the repugnant level of hostility for the for LGBTQ+ community these days, the hate-seeking ancient parasites just hit the bottom of the barrel jackpot. 

ATTACHMENT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Maja, a has-been actress in Denmark, falls in love with Leah, a young, Jewish academic visiting from the UK. When Leah suffers a mysterious seizure, Maja fears their whirlwind romance might be cut short and decides to follow Leah back to her home in London. There, Maja meets her new downstairs neighbor: Leah’s mother, Chana. An overbearing, seemingly religious and highly secretive woman, Chana seems resistant to all of Maja’s attempts to win her over. And as Maja notices strange occurrences in the building, she begins to suspect that Chana’s secrets could be much darker than first anticipated.”

It always makes me heart sad when seizures and strange occurrences get in the way of whirlwind romances.

Ape Kings, Vacation Snakes, Social Demons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , on September 30, 2022 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

This is way better than that Christmas thing — Kingdom of the Planet of the Apes is in the works for a 2024 release. This makes my banana tingle, what with being a PoA fan since my birth in a dense jungle.

Here’s what is known thus far: “The story takes place after the events of War for the Planet of the Apes (2017), and continues to follow Caesar’s legacy.”

Caesar, if you were inexcusably unaware, is the first ape to talk, and subsequently, talk back. He’s the guy who organized a revolt against presumably tick-free humans in 1972’s Conquest for the Planet of the Apes and made household pets out of them. (Shortly thereafter, there was a run on bigger litter boxes.)

The Planet of the Apes universe started with La Planète des singes, a 1963 book by French guy, Pierre Boulle. To this day, no one knows how to pronounce his last name. What followed were nine movies, a cartoon and live action TV series, as well as a planet of comics, books, video games, toys and swag. King Kong was bitch-ass jealous.

While we throw feces around waiting for this movie to get made (in solidarity with zoo monkeys who fling their poo because zoos won’t give ’em a ball to play with), here are a few upcoming horror movies/sci-fi that may or be compared to an extra-large litter box…

DEINFLUENCER / October 1, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“Kelly wakes up to find that she is being held hostage by a masked kidnapper and needs to complete a series of social media challenges to ensure her safety.”

The social media challenges are necessary: Cancel your Facebook™, Instagram™, Twitter™ and Tik-Tok™ accounts, quit taking fish-lip selfies and posting ‘em for other fish-lips to see, and trade your smart phone for a freakin’ life. 

PYTHON ISLAND / October 4, 2022 (DVD)

“In a village where snake-catching is the livelihood of most of the local populace, a magical tree grew. Because of the tree’s benevolence, it saved one small snake from the villagers and named it “Little Flower.”

“Many years later, Xiaoshu has become a biological researcher, exploring the secrets of genes. Unfortunately, his colleagues with ulterior motives use the power of the magical tree to break into a forbidden area by ​​the snake-catching village: the island where intruders are eaten alive. The island is filled with moisture and weirdness, and it seems there are eyes everywhere; staring at every move made by intruders.”

“Filled with moisture and weirdness.” Are they making fun of me? This movie was released in China in 2021 under the title, Behemoth Anaconda. I once saw a porn movie with the same name. Didn’t have any magic trees in it, but it did have quite a stump.

DON’T F–CK IN THE WOODS 2 / October 11, 2022 (Digital)

Follows Don’t F–ck In The Woods (2016). The counsellors at Pine Hills Summer Camp are getting the grounds ready for the upcoming summer season. A mysterious girl shows up, weak and scared from a previous encounter with a vicious creature that killed all her friends. Little do they know that something followed her to the camp and things are about to get slimy and bloody.”

Misleading title. I fell for it the first time. Not this time.

RISE OF THE BEAST / December 6, 2022 (Digital/VOD)

“A group of activists break into a corporate facility they know unsolicited animal testing has been taking place. They discover unimaginable horrors but don’t realize until they’re captured the true extent of what it is they’ve been experimenting with. In a race against time to survive, they must escape friend, foe, and a mutated ape if they mean to get out alive and expose this to the world.”

You don’t wanna monkey around with a mutated ape. Vegan or not, those things will eat your face off. 

Killer Cakes, Reflecting Evil, Pregnant Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell

Okay, so this is pretty cool — Christine McConnell, artist/photographer/baker, is getting her own Netflix™ TV cooking show series called The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell, premiering October 12, 2018. If you don’t know her work, she’s famous (250,000 followers on Instagram™) for her horror-themed baked yummables.

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell

From the press release: “Wickedly talented baker and artist, Christine McConnell welcomes you into her terrifyingly delicious home to create delectable confections and hauntingly disturbing decor with the help of her colorful collection of creatures.”

The Curious Creations of Christine McConnell

Awesome. Makes you wonder, though, if her Alien Facehugger cake bursts out of your stomach after you eat it. I’ve had Hostess Twinkies™ do that. While you chew on the visual, here are a few now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as artificially-flavored snack treat…

Puppet Master: Blitzkrieg Massacre

PUPPET MASTER: BLITZKRIEG MASSACRE (available now)
“This stomach-churning adventure starts off with Puppet Master: Blitzkrieg Massacre, in which The Gore Collector culls the sickest moments from the 11-film deep Puppet Master series, mashing them together with macabre music and brand new moments of body-breaking mayhem: In an unknown dystopian future, a drifter with an unusually high-tolerance for pain is held captive in a horrific hospital by The Circle of Psycho Surgeons, a clandestine crew of M.D.’s (that’s medical deviants) who are experimenting with human suffering. Suddenly, our shackled hero hears the call of The Gore Collector, a sadistic curator of carnage who is well past his prime and now seeks an heir to take over his evil operation. Escaping from the lurid lab, the drifter enters the underground lair of The Gore Collector — there the perverse programmer pops in a vile videotape and begins the process of trying to warp the man’s mind with some of the goriest and most gruesome moments from Full Moon’s iconic film franchises.”

Yeesh, talk about recycling. So this basically a greatest hits package and a way to further milk a horror franchise that, like the victims in these movies, should’ve died a long time ago.

Look Away

LOOK AWAY (October 12, 2018)
A lonely 18-year-old high schooler opens up to her reflection because of the lack of support she has from family and her peers. She switches place with her supportive, but evil, twin that she discovers in the mirror’s reflection, but the newfound freedom unleashes suppressed feelings.

My mirror twin is a real asshat. Nice hair, though.

Blessed Are The Children

BLESSED ARE THE CHILDREN (October 23, 2018)
Traci Patterson, an adrift 20-something who’s still reeling from the death of her father and her breakup with an abusive fiancé, discovers that she’s pregnant. With the help of her friends, Erin and Mandy, Traci decides to terminate her pregnancy, but quickly after leaving the clinic, she begins seeing and hearing things — shapes in the corner of her eye, strange noises in the middle of the night, and ghoulish figures stalking her every move. Is it guilt or are Traci and her friends in grave danger?”

So the douchebag abusive fiancé knocked up Traci and then bailed? I think the ghoulish figures are stalking the wrong person.

The Amityville Murders

THE AMITYVILLE MURDERS (November 13, 2018)
“On the night of November 13, 1974, Ronald DeFeo, Jr. took a high-powered rifle and murdered his entire family as they slept. At his trial, DeFeo claimed that “voices” in the house commanded him to kill. Thirteen months later, the Lutz family bought the house and stayed only 28 days before fleeing in terror. Their nightmarish ordeal shocked the world in The Amityville Horror. The Lutzes may have escaped from Amityville with their lives…but the DeFeos weren’t so lucky. This is their story.”

There are three certainties in life: taxes, death and YET ANOTHER Amityville Horror spin-off. And yet I’ll probably watch it. Voices are telling me to.

Halloween Parties, Mutant Frogs, Ghost Cannibals

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 20, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Halloween

This is kinda neato cool — A Halloween soundtrack listening party in records stores across the U.S. (or “United States”), running from October 19, 2018 (the album’s release date) through October 21, 2018. And hey, a few of the stores will be handing out free goodie bags and vinyl giveaways. This is good, because I’d hate to come back later and egg their otherwise clean storefronts.

Halloween

A select section from the press release: “John Carpenter composed the score with Cody Carpenter and Daniel Davies. The new soundtrack pays homage to the classic Halloween score that Carpenter composed and recorded in 1978.” Hope this one is embellished with stabby noises and babysitter screams.

Halloween

After you click HERE to see if you’re anywhere near one of the select record stores. (Mine’s Sonic Boom, which is about a $25 Lyft™ ride to get to. Not sure how much to come back.) And when you’re done looking in the mirror to see how sad you are when you discover these parties aren’t anywhere near you, brighten your flushed day with these upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna jiggle the handle…

Channel Zero: The Dream Door

CHANNEL ZERO: THE DREAM DOOR (October 26, 2018/SyFy™ Channel)
“Newlyweds Jillian and Tom have brought their own secrets into their marriage. After a strange door is discovered in their basement, those secrets they kept from each other will threaten their relationship — and their lives.”

Hope this installment is better than the last two. But hey, any excuse to plank on the couch. It’s said this one is based on the creepypasta short story Hidden Door by Charlotte Bywater. I don’t eat pasta; too creepy.

Strange Nature

STRANGE NATURE (2018)
“By moving in with her estranged hermit father in the backwoods of a small town, Kim and son Brody find themselves in the middle of a horrendous phenomenon where deadly offspring mutations spread from animals to humans.”

This one features mutant frogs. I’m hopping up and down with glee, though frogs kinda already look like mutants. I hate it when you get in a staring contest with one, and just when you think you’re gonna win, the darn thing makes its eyes bulge hard and goons you out. Man, I hate that.

I Still See You

I STILL SEE YOU (2018)
“Nine years after an apocalyptic event that killed millions, left the world is left inhabited by ghosts.”

Better ghosts than zombies. Ghosts won’t eat your face, whereas zombies would start chowing down without even stopping to remove the skin wrapper first. Still, with all those ghosts left hanging around, so much for getting in a little private time in the all-purpose bathroom. let’s just hope that ghosts are unable to post on Instagram™. Embarrassing doesn’t even begin to cover it.

The Dark

THE DARK (October 22, 2018/UK)
“An undead young woman, Mina, stalks the ‘Devil’s Den’ woods where she was killed. If anyone enters the woods, she kills them and feasts on the body. But when she stumbles upon a young blind boy named Alex in the back of a car who shows signs of horrifying abuse, she can’t bring herself to kill him. As police and locals close in, searching for Alex, Mina’s growing relationship with him changes her in ways she never thought possible.”

So she’s an undead cannibal and wants to be a nanny? Wonder if she charges by the hour? Hope she doesn’t eat your neck off if you don’t tip her.

Fearsome Phones, Possessed by Aliens, Demonic Kitties

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Morgan's Mutations

There are one billion kinds of smartphone cases out there, but not one of ‘em is as cool as the handcrafted ones made by freakishly talented artist Morgan Loebel. A dental technician by trade, Loebel hand-sculpts and paints one-of-a-kind horror smartphone cases made out of polymer clay. I don’t know what that is. But I do want one of his cases. (Disclaimer — I don’t own a smartphone, but would still like one of his super awesome cases I can show off in bars to act like a big shot.)

Morgan's Mutations

Calling his creations Morgan’s Mutations (catchy), Loebel has an Etsy site as well as a Facebook and Instagram page so you can keep up with his latest designs (He also does lightswitch plates and lighters.) And hey, he takes requests! Of course you need this. Click HERE and HERE and HERE to go about getting one. (Phone not included, dang it.)

Morgan's Mutations

While you’re waiting in line to get a Morgan’s Mutations original, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature polymer clay…

Before We Vanish

BEFORE WE VANISH (available now)
“Three aliens travel to Earth on a mission in preparation for a mass invasion. Having taken possession of human bodies, the visitors rob their hosts of the very essence of their being, leaving psychological and spiritual devastation in their wake.”

Switch out the word “alien” with alcohol and you get the same results.

Scorched Earth

SCORCHED EARTH (available now)
“The planet suffered an environmental collapse. The air became dangerous to breathe, the water became toxic, and billions of people died. Generations later mankind has finally re-established a rudimentary society, in which bounty hunters roam the land in search of wanted eco-criminals. Bounty hunter Attica Gage has a chance at the bounty of a lifetime: bringing down the ruthless outlaw, Thomas Jackson. Gage infiltrates Jackson’s gang, and everything is going to plan until she meets a slave girl that reminds her of her dead sister. With her loyalty to only herself now tested, Gage learns that there might be more to life than just survival.”

Eco-criminals? Do they litter instead of rob banks? Do they drop a hot deuce and not use Glade™ afterward? Do they use old car tires in the fireplace to heat the house?  If so, I may be on the bounty hunters’ hit list.

Hell's Kitty

HELL’S KITTY (March 13, 2018)
“Nick, a Hollywood screenwriter, discovers his cat has become murderously possessed, and will stop at nothing to rid him of any women in his life. As his life unravels out of control, Nick must find a way to have his kitty exorcised of the demonic spirit haunting her and creating a body count.”

Odd — usually the owners of cats are the ones possessed. Still, I’ve never seen a pet being exorcised, so might have to buy a few tall boys and a bag of catnip and settle in for this one.

Beyond The Woods

BEYOND THE WOODS (2018)
“Seven friends meet up in the Irish countryside for a secluded weekend getaway but unfortunately for them a fiery sinkhole has opened up in the mountains nearby. It’s burning hot, spewing out sulfur and casting a hellish stench over the local area. Determined to make the most of the weekend, the group decide not to let the noxious atmosphere get to them…but it’s getting worse. Soon the troubling hallucinations begin as an ancient evil starts to take hold. What malevolent force has crawled from the sinkhole and will any of them survive the weekend?”

Sinkhole or stinkhole? I’m thinkin’ those people stumbled across an overflowing outhouse.

Undead Tribute, Get To Know Bigfoot, Death Personified

Posted in Aliens, Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 29, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Walking Dead

As hardcore The Walking Dead fans have burned into their iCalendars™, the 100th episode — and season eight AMC™ opener — happens on Sunday, October 22, 20017. (And you thought the total eclipse was worth watching.)

The Walking Dead

To celebrate/commemorate, TWD episode director/ makeup effects master Greg Nicotero teamed up with his insanity talented KNB FX design team to whip up some tasty tribute posters, all in the style of one of the coolest horror shows ever on TV. Included with the above slick tribute to Alien is zombie/star character homages to Back to the Future, The Thing, Thunderball and The Omega Man. Pretty swear word cool. (You can find them all by following Greg on Instagram™.)

As the countdown to The Walking Dead marches on, here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that probably stole their ideas from all of the above…

Zombies

ZOMBIES (available now/VOD/Limited – October 31, 2017/DVD)
“When the world is in shambles, plagued by a zombie outbreak, only the strong will survive, but just how much determination will it take? Will Luke and his crew have enough ambition and ammunition to outlive the undead?”

The title and plot should tell you how high they set the bar for themselves. This is so stock, it should be sold in grocery stores next to canned soup and frozen TV dinners.

Death On Scenic Drive

DEATH ON SCENIC DRIVE (September 30, 3017/Hard Line Film Festival/Germany)
“During the cold winter months at a secluded countryside home, a young woman named Larissa encounters an entity that transforms her into Death itself. She reins violence against Dallas Henson and the family that resides there.”

Not sure why this one is being premiered in Germany when it’s Canadian-made. Bloody-Disgusting.com says Death On Scenic Drive is a “Gothic filled with gore, madness, weirdness, satanism and screeching, squelching music.” Sounds just like my upstairs neighbors on any given week night.

Discovering Bigfoot

DISCOVERING BIGFOOT (October 27, 2017/VOD/Limited)
“What we think we know of human origins and evolution is about to change forever as we discover the truth about a species that has remained elusive by outwitting and evading modern man for decades despite his best efforts. Journey into the heart of Sasquatch Country and experience three incredible days in the field with Bigfoot experts. This unprecedented feature film includes extraordinary never before seen Sasquatch footage that will shock the world. Witness a terrifying altercation between Sasquatch Researcher Todd Standing and three Sasquatch creatures in the wild.”

The trailer for this documentary purports to show “indisputable” photographic/video evidence of Bigfoot, and even go so far as to include a few snippets of said proof. I’m convinced — and you’re talkin’ to a guy who stands in line at the Puyallup Fair to get an autograph and a picture with a guy in a Bigfoot suit handing out hot tub clearance sale flyers. Say what you will about the mythical wood ape — that guy can sell ice cubes to an eskimo.

The Purge: Island

THE PURGE: ISLAND (July 4, 2018)
The Purge: Island is a prequel that will focus on the events that lead up to the very first Purge event, an experimental test on Staten Island.”

Cool, but I can’t wait for The Purge: Outer Space. In that one we get carte blanche to go all probe-y on those invasive aliens. They won’t know what violated their swimsuit/spacesuit area. Payback’s a b*tch, space b*tches — ha!