Chinese Spider-Men, Canadian Zombies, Norway Mutants

Been endlessly fascinated by foreign country poster versions of U.S. made movies, in particular, horror/sci-fi/fantasy/bromance comedies. Came across three Spider-Man: Homecoming key art renditions made in China. Pretty funny stuff, especially the one of Spider-Man riding a horse. I don’t know why, but that cracks me up. Got me thinking — wonder if there’s a foreign movie poster of, say, Iron Man pulling a rikshaw through downtown Thailand?

Whilst I go rummaging through the Internet to find one, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies with plain old boring graphics…

DEMENTIA 13 (October 6, 2017/Limited — October 10/VOD)
“An old-money family is still dealing with the death of its youngest daughter several years later. While honoring the daughter’s death, a long con, an ax-wielding serial killer, and a vengeful ghost all coalesce in the same night to target the family. Everyone in the family has a secret, nobody wants to face what they did, and for someone to survive, the truth needs to come out — sooner than later.”

This is a re-boot of 1963’s Dementia 13. The actors in the new one are probably wearing more modern footwear, though. Always loved the title. I personally got through the first 12 steps of dementia, but never quite made it one more step. Probably should go on another bender to open that door.

LES AFFAMÉS (2017/2018)
In a small, remote village in upstate Quebec, things have changed. Locals are not the same anymore — their bodies are breaking down and they developed an outlandish attraction for flesh.

A French-Canadian zombie movie. Wonder if the flesh tastes like back bacon? I consulted the Big Book of Word Barf (i.e., Google Translate™) to get the English pronounceable version: The Hungry. Meh.

THELMA (November 10, 2017)
“A college student starts to experience extreme seizures while studying at a university in Oslo, Norway. As it becomes clearer that the seizures are a symptom of inexplicable, often dangerous, supernatural abilities, Thelma is confronted with tragic secrets of her past, and the terrifying implications of her powers.

Sounds like Carrie Goes To College. I wonder if her condition is from eating seizure salads in the school lunch room?

INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY (January 5, 2018)
“Dr. Elise Rainier, the brilliant parapsychologist, faces her most fearsome and personal haunting yet: in her own family home.”

I watched the first three Insidious movies, so guess I’ll have to watch this one, too, just to see how they tie things up. As demonic possession ghost stories go, though, they’re all quite bland, or “meh.”

Paranormal Training Bra

Need a Halloween fix? Well, tie off horror junkies because here’s two new ones for you…

First up is a comedy horror movie that pays homage to horror movies that ripped off other horror movies. My head hurts. Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, releasing October 27, 2015, gives a laugh-shaped mouth shout-out to the pop ghostly culture likes of Insidious (2010), The Conjuring (2013), Amityville Horror (1979), Sinister (2012), and Paranormal Activity (2007). Kind of redundant as all those movies are full of funny stuff, intended or not.

If you haven’t seen the trailer for Caesar and Otto’s Paranormal Halloween, here’s what materializes…

“It’s Halloween Eve and Caesar and Otto find themselves house-sitting for the world’s most unpopular Governor, Jerry Grayson. But after a series of ghostly visions, strange phenomenon and a demonic possession, the half-brothers call upon renowned exorcist Father Jason Stieger to help put a stop to this new nightmare. But in this house, nothing is what it seems and everyone is fair game for the mysterious forces at work…”

Who hires guys to house sit? That in itself is kinda scary, especially if there’s an unattended liquor cabinet full of spirits waiting to be released. Heh.

Next is Out There In The Dark (2015), a ’tweener “horror” movie, starring two young teens gals who use their cell phones to try and Scooby-Doo a ghost in a big mansion. Thus: After visiting a haunted house, two teenage girls are plagued by supernatural phenomena that lead them to uncover a chilling secret.”

I bet the chilling secret is they discover why they call ’em training bras.

Coasting On Ghosts

When was the last time you got so spooked you haunted your pants? If you’re like me, it’s been a while. But how can that be? Have we not been inundated with ghost/possession movies over the last five+ years? Just because they’re throwing a parade doesn’t mean the floats are any good.

The latest ghost/possession move for your consideration is the James Wan produced film, Demonic (2015). I believe my shaky research exposed this as first being House of Horror that was supposed to come out a year or so ago. Good thing they changed the title as House of Horror(s) has been used numerous times dating back to 1946.

James Wan, the go-to ghost movie guy, is fast turning into the Michael Bay of poltergeist haunted movies: Dead Silence (2007), Insidious (2010), The Conjuring (2013) as well as related and predictable sequels. But hey, James was part of Saw (2004), so move to the front of the class.

Here’s what Demonic in all its generically-titled glory promises: “The story centers on the aftermath of a horrific massacre where five college students were brutally murdered inside an abandoned home. Detective Mark Lewis and psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Klein question one of the few survivors who explains they were amateur ghost-hunters, seeking out paranormal phenomenon at the abandoned house, which was believed to be haunted. But what started out as a harmless activity turned into something truly terrifying.”

Truly terrifying would be if somebody actually made a truly terrifying film.

Up next is The Rohl Farms Haunting, due out on May 18th, 2015. First red flag: it’s YET ANOTHER found footage flick. Those things double suck and are improbable as to be unlikely. (Gripe No. 1: Why is it my video camera’s battery can only last an hour and found footage video camera batteries, powering night lights, last open to close?)

Sigh. So here’s what The Rohl Farms Haunting is about: “Two 21-year-old childhood friends who are trying to create a documentary in Wisconsin struggle to keep their friendship intact after a string of seemingly paranormal events lead to the staggering conclusion that a group of three strangers are behind the activity. Their quest to discover and convict the culprits via evidence captured on camera becomes the new focus of the documentary, resulting in a cinematic endeavor that could prove to be their last. With real locations, real people, and real relationships, this is the realest found footage film you will ever experience.”

Horrible last sentence. And false at that. I bet my video camera battery on it.

Ghosts Bothering You

More ghost-y stuff finally headed for your head, this time in the form of a young gal who, while returning to her pre-training bra home in Louisiana to re-apply bandages and recuperate after a splatto car accident, comes human face to ghost face with a long-tormented spirit that’s been seeking her return. And get this  – that spooky whatzit has no intention of letting her escape. Yeow, I say!

With that, Jessabelle (2014), from some guy involved with Paranormal Activity (2009) and Insidious (2011), looks to add some doctor bills to your chills. I am so down with that.

I watched the trailer for Jessabelle last summer while drinking an ice cold AND refreshing beer. While the movie was supposed to come out in August 2014, it did not. And because I just didn’t seem to care about anything except beer during a hot summer, it fell off the radar. According to my staff out in the field (the neighbor kids), Jessabelle is scheduled for limited release on November 7th, 2014.

Rotten Tomatoes™, that highly opinionated movie review site, gave it one and a half stars. And I thought I was a movie a**hole.

Legendary Ghost-Busting

So word comes down the chute that a remake of The Legend of Hell House (1973), one of the scariest haunted house movies you’ll ever see, is in the works. No doubt looking to cash in on the generic ghost movie craze to clog the theatres. (I’m looking in your direction The Conjuring, Insidious 1 & 2, Sinister, The Quiet Ones, Occulus, Dark Skies, The Appearing, The Possession, blah, blah, blah.)

While I’d rather not see another re-boot butcher job done to a horror classic, let’s see if Hollywood can top this: a scientist with really cool ghost-busting gadgetry teams up with a couple of mediums (i.e., unemployed clairvoyants) to solve the mystery of Hell House. Referred to as the “Mt. Everest of haunted houses,” the ghost, or “ghosts” that actually spook the infamous Belasco House is in constant question.

Whoever invisible is scaring the complete crap out of everyone’s chute, manages to have sex with one of the occult chicks and gets another one – the wife of the scientist – to take off her clothes in a very unscientific manner in front of Roddy McDowall, the only clairvoyant survivor of the first investigation 20 years ago.

The brilliantly chilling Legend of Hell House still holds up over four decades after its release and still scares the complete crap out of whomsoever’s chute dares to watch it – mine included.