Archive for immortality

No Zip Code For This Ghost Town

Posted in Evil, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 5, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Ghost Town

A gang of cowboy (and cow lady) thugs shoot up an old west town, killing everyone, even though a local priest is brought in to save them. This would be acceptable behavior for outlaws in the 1800s, except these particular ruffians made a deal with the Devil for immortality. Why, I have no idea.

Ghost Town

Jump ahead to yesterday where a college school bus trip accidentally ends up in that same town where the souls of the ghosts are zooming around. Yes, zooming. Armed with a never ending supply of ghost bullets, the cowspooks kill off each teacher and student as if roll-calling attendance.

Ghost Town

One kid who has a thing for numbers, determines that there are seven Ankhs (which look like upside-down hangman nooses) strategically anchored around the town, forming a pentagram. (You’d only need four to form a telegram. Heh.) One of the Ankhs was removed, which gives the ghosts the keys to the city.

Ghost TownThere’s a Texas burial (put in the ground alive) and a beheading (the new go-to dismemberment), and two horny students impaled to the barn door (a bucket of cold water would’ve had almost the same effect).

Ghost Town

But the only thing worse than the characters is the dialogue, premise, dialogue, special effects, dialogue, corny digital blood, and dialogue. When the ghosts appear and disappear, their faces morph into skulls for one second. It won’t take you that long to make Ghost Town (2009) disappear from your TV screen.

A Vampire Who Takes Handsome lessons

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , on December 8, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Immortality

Finally, a vampire movie that re-invents the genre to the point you’ll no longer think of the blood-sucking undead as glaring, cape-wearing suckwads with glowing eyeballs. (Not like the ones I see in the grocery store all the time.)

Immortality

A young British man (straight teeth — no fangs or poor genetics) is double handsome and triple charming. He uses these enhanced techniques to entice women to his flat (deflated apartment), where he seduces (politely feels them up) them in really cool ways, too — wine, polite conversation, demonic shadow-casting

Immortality

Sufficiently dazzled, he gets ’em in the sack, then in the throat, where he needs the enhanced emotions that provide nutrients, which keep him alive.

Immortality

Along the way, Immortality (aka, The Wisdom of Crocodiles/1998) takes several amazing turns. The cops are on to him, yet he cleverly plays into their hands. He encounters street thugs in a very intense stand-off, uses only his wicked charms to talk the ruffians down. Then he gets a girlfriend who he doesn’t want to kill, yet…he…must.

Immortality

Extremely intelligent, superbly acted, with dialogue that doesn’t make you wanna punch the director in the lens.

That ’60s Torture Porn

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on December 21, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism (1967) has been released so many times it has six different titles, one of them in German. (Still waiting for the Siberian version.) Basically the Pit & The Pendulum (1961) recast as a 14th Century tale of Frederic Regula, a Count with a dandy name, whose cruel hobby is torturing anyone who dares hangs out at his dirty castle.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

You have your pit of black snakes, free-range lizards, spiders and scorpions, a bed of spikes, a few rats, and, of course, the dreaded infomercial-grade pendulum designed to split you in two for the price of one.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

The town is fed up with Regula’s rec room and sentences him to be drawn and quartered. Translated: each arm and leg tied to horses going in opposite directions. The timing couldn’t be worse – Regula was on the verge of immortality and just needed the blood of one more virgin (the 13th) to complete the serum.

The Torture Chamer of Dr. Sadism

Fortunately, his man-servant sipped enough of the serum prior to being hanged. He came back from the dead, and for years scheduled his master’s resurrection, a plan that lured his captor’s ancestors back to the castle for a little torture, a little rat biting and a little blood extraction. And it’s a cool bonus each ancestor looks exactly like the ones who executed Regula. Of all the darned things.

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

Trying to maneuver the caves where Regula has his traps set up is a test in keeping your hair combed. But nothing will stop the professionally handsome Roger Montelise from rescuing his new girlfriend, Baroness Lilian von Marienberg. Fortunately for Regula, she’s a virgin. (Too bad she didn’t hook up with Roger a bit earlier in the movie.)

The Torture Chamber of Dr. Sadism

Regula needs Lilian’s blood to be filled with fear in order for the chemical reaction in the immortality juice to do its magic. They try scaring the crap outta her, but she’s more resilient than first assessed. Soon enough, Regula gets his way and is moments from paying taxes for eternity. Roger has a different ending in mind, having escaped the pendulum and holding the one key to success. Who wins? Let me ask you this – have you been tortured by Count Regula lately? All that’s left is for Roger to put an end to all that virginity nonsense. Good for him.