Archive for ice cream

Yummy Death For Dessert

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on January 12, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

We All Scream For Ice Cream

A bunch of socially snotty kids play a trick on Buster the Clown, a mentally-handicapped ice cream truck driver, and the clown goes down. In other words, he was made into an ice cream sandwich after the kids pop the brake on his Cheery Tyme truck and it squashes the dealer of non-room temperature treats. No word on whether or not any ice cream survived.

We All Scream For Ice Cream

It’s now 20 years later and the snotty kids have all grown up with snotty children of their own. Time for some revenge, rocky road style. Buster T. Clown, now looking like he’s been through cold storage Hell, has come back from the dead and drives his truck through eerie fog, handing out treats at midnight to kids, who have fallen into a zombie-like state and are out doing a little sleepwalking. (Hey, at least they’re getting some exercise.)

We All Scream For Ice Cream

The ice cream Buster gives them is shaped like people. Once a kid bites into it, their dad dies, dissolving into a big puddle of (wait for it) ice cream. The grown-up kids who killed Buster are themselves being eliminated, one by one, by the cold clown, melted into strawberry, vanilla and chocolate goo.

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Buster can make your car windows frost over, and when you touch him, it’s like sticking your hands in a freezer for two hours, except the effect is instantaneous. (Buster would be handy to have around if there’s any warm beer in the house.)

We All Scream For Ice Cream

Despite this, We All Scream For Ice Cream (2007) is pretty weak and a paint-by-numbers installment for the Masters of Horror series. Yeah, there’s a halfway decent face-melting scene. But it’s simply too stock to be of any social value. It’s enough to make you switch to frozen yogurt, which isn’t as yuck city as you’d think.

Horror Shaken, Not Stirred

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 5, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Slasher House II

You’d think the tens of dozens of new horror movies coming out right now would keep me in a state of perpetual giddiness. It kinda sorta does. But Christmas came early for me in the form of Amazon Prime™ putting up the entire James Bond catalog (minus the Daniel Craig years) for free viewing (if you have a subscription). Don’t worry horror movies, I still like you. But you’re like an ex-girlfriend until I’m done re-watching all the Bond movies for the 12th time each.

So here’s what I’m spying (heh) on the horizon…

SLASHER HOUSE II (2017)
Red has arrived in the big city just time to find herself tied up in an epidemic of vanishing serial killers. But who is taking them and what do they want with the world’s most horrific masked murderers? As Red fights her way through a maze filled with assassins, monsters and maniacs she comes closer to discovering the truth behind the mystery and the mastermind behind the Slasher House.”

A maze filled with “assassins, monsters and maniacs.” Um, isn’t this the same plot as Rob Zombie’s 31 (2016)?

Voice From The Stone

VOICE FROM THE STONE (early 2017)
“Verena, a solemn nurse, is drawn to aid a young boy named Jakob who has fallen silent since the untimely death of his mother nearly a year ago. Living with his father in a massive stone manor in Tuscany, Jakob not only refuses to speak, he seems to be under the spell of a malevolent force trapped within the stone walls. As Verena’s relationship with the father and son grow, she becomes ensnared and consumed by a severe force. If Verena is to save the boy and free herself, she must face the phantom hidden inside the stone.

I talk to rock, too. And rock talks to me. And you know what rocks tell me to do? To rock out. It’s the only conversation needed when conversing with gravel.

Angelica

ANGELICA (2017)
London in 1880. Shop assistant Constance, who lost her parents at an early age, falls in love with doctor and vivisectionist, Dr. Joseph Barton. When their daughter Angelica is born the pair is overjoyed, but the birth almost costs the young mother her life. From now on she must practice sexual abstinence – she is to think of herself as a beautiful garden enclosed by a tall iron fence. Before long her bid to suppress her desires and erotic feelings gives birth to demons. A ghostly being emerges from Constance’s hysterical fantasy; the spirit penetrates closed doors, terrorizing the sleeping child and her fragile mother. When an assistant with para-psychological skills is called to their home, their middle-class world finally falls apart…”

I have two questions: Why would you want to marry a vivisectionist? Secondly, why would you want to become a vivisectionist? Surely, butcher school is a lot cheaper and easier to get a degree in. As for Constance and her “hysterical fantasies,” sounds like she’s just being a normal gal to me. (I’m probably gonna pay for that one.)

Lucifer

LUCIFER (pending 2017)
A young caretaker believes her family is being tormented by the devil after she agrees to write the chilling story of a patient haunted by the relentless demonic being.

Hope the book comes with pictures.

Ice Cream Truck

ICE CREAM TRUCK (summer 2017)
“Mary’s husband gets relocated for work which allows her to move back to her suburban hometown. A local ice cream man with a love of nostalgia starts to kill some of her neighbors. Mary is torn between her mature instincts that something wrong and the distracting memories of her younger days.”

WTF?!? Who cares – ICE CREAM, man! Some people just can’t accept the little pleasures in life without gooning out.

Slash Her Films

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 12, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Berkshire County

In my day they would’ve categorized horror like Berkshire County (arriving 2015) as a slasher film. Sure, the term is outdated and doesn’t come close to describing today’s predatory villain movies as torture porn. Harsh, but right on the money.

So what is torture porn? Had to ask an ice cream truck vendor in a clown suit for the definitive definition: A captor or captors ritually performing extreme, relentless, unblinkingly graphic torture on a bound captive(s). Couldn’t have said it better if I made it up myself just now.

So Berkshire County might not fall exactly into the torture porn category, but watching the trailer, it certainly has strong TP elements: Animal masked men wielding Wüsthof™ cutlery and violently terrorizing a young female babysitter. Here’s the synopsis (see if you can’t figure out who the slashers are)…

Berkshire County

“Kylie, a teen who is coerced into a sexual encounter at a party by a popular boy whose friends send video of it across social media. Her self-confidence in shreds and her reputation in tatters, she is in chronic victim mode when she reluctantly agrees to a desperate plea by a couple in a secluded castle-like mansion to babysit their two children on Halloween.”

Alone in the country she is a prime target when she begins receiving prank phone calls, and a boy wearing a pig’s head makes a suspiciously-late trick-or-treat call. What follows is a game of cat-and-mouse between Kylie and a surprisingly sophisticated gang of butchering hicks. It is a test of will that requires her to stand up and take charge if she and the children in her care are to survive the night.”

While it grabs fistfuls of truck ice cream of Halloween (1978), I liked it better when this was called You’re Next (2013), featuring animal masked villains wielding Wüsthof™ cutlery.

You're Next

Colorful Black and White Zombies

Posted in Classic Horror, Science Fiction, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , on October 12, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Aaah! Zombies!!

A military-made batch of experiment goo designed to make a super soldier ends up in some ice cream goo being served at a bowling alley. Once mixed with beer (it’s plausible – go with it), those who ingest the contaminated ice cream beer cones are turned into fully functional zombies with improved strength, glassy white eyes and severed body parts that continue to fully function.

Aaah! Zombies!!

Two hot chicks and their boyfriends become zombified. A military guy  shows up to explain their situation and is a zombie himself. Problem is, they don’t see themselves as the undead – but everybody else does. This makes them think everyone else is infected and not them. That’s bowling alley logic for you.

Aaah! Zombies!!

In their perspective everything’s in color, from glistening red cat blood all over one girl’s blouse), to the black shotgun hole in her boyfriend’s chest. To those not infected, everything’s in black and white and the kids are shambling zombies coming to eat skin hors d’oeuvres. And that’s just one of 27 clever and funny things about Aaah! Zombies!! (2007)

Aaah! Zombies!!

While the punchline sight gags keep the blood flowing, it’s the zombie bowling team that’ll split your gut. That, and the talking undead head in a bowling bag. Nice to finally see a zombie movie from the undead’s point of view, even if they put brains in a blender and drink it like a meal replacement shake.

Aaah! Zombies!!