Archive for hunchback

Vampire Party Night

Posted in Evil, Scream Queens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 10, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Transylmania

Transylmania (2009) is a knuckle-headed, horror spoof comedy about a bunch of sex/party/drugs obsessed college students attending a Romanian college for a semester. Homework includes vampires, vampire hunters, a sexy hunchback, body part swapping, and more boobs than you can shake your stake at.

Transylmania

The Razvan University is a castle that, when referred to, makes horses flatulent. Run by an evil dwarf principal whose drop dead gorgeous daughter is a hunchback, the school is also the scene of the vampire Radu’s search for his 500 year-old girlfriend whose soul got sucked into a music box.

TransylmaniaOne of the teachers, the bloody attractive Teodora Van Sloan, is an ancestor of the great vampire hunter Van Sloan, who did all the past thwarting. Turns out Radu is the spitting image of the perpetually horny American student, Rusty. That they both dress the same on Vampire Party Night isn’t making it easier for anyone.

Transylmania

A music box, when opened, transfers her soul into Lia, the painfully sexy and dumb nympho. This, understandably, causes more scratching of head. Both of ’em. Speaking of heads, a non-partying blonde twin gets her head cut off and her body used to reconfigure hunchback Draguta Floca. Her head manages to live and even admonishes her pot-head boyfriend and look-alike hard-partying sister for hooking up.

Transylmania

Some bonehead comedy, some hilarious bits (farting horses — heh), LOTS of bare naked boobies and micro-Goth bikini underwear. For all its slapsticking, Transylmania really made me re-think my polices on dating gorgeous hunchbacks.

Doctor to the Monsters

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Science Fiction, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on October 30, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of Dracula

House of Dracula (1945) is the cash-in sequel to House of Frankenstein (1944). Sadly, Co-op of The Creature and Duplex of the Damned never got off the drawing board. Dang it all to heck.

House of Dracula

In HoD, Dracula (aka, Baron Latos) is fed up with being a vampire and seeks the medical acumen of castle-dwelling Dr. Franz Edelmann. No word on whether or not Dracula got a referral from his primary care physician.

House of Dracula

Doc Edelmann, aided by two nurse assistants (one is a supermodel, the other a hunchback who looked like she just had her bra on backward), tells Dracula that he’s been experimenting with clavaria formosa, a plant whose spores have the ability to reshape bone. (Sorry skeletons; doesn’t work on you.) And with a series of blood transfusions, he can cure the quitter vampire. (P.S. The blood comes from Edelmann himself. Put that up there in the Top 5 malpractices suits of all time.)

House of Dracula

The doc must’ve left his “walk-ins welcome” sign on because Larry Talbot – the Wolf Man – also shows up, begging the doc to find a cure for his lycanthropy. (Geez, who’s next – the Mummy needing his Band-Aids™ changed?)

House of Dracula

As we all know, Talbot hates being a werewolf because of all that primal need to kill stuff. The doc theorizes that Larry’s wolf-y upgrade is not due to the moon’s influence, but there’s pressure on his brain that, with a little open head surgery and some science mold spores from the same plant, he can cure the fur.

House of Dracula

Of course, all of this goes to heck in a hand basket. During the transfusion, Dracula punks the doc and Nurse Hunchback by hypnotizing them and reversing the blood flow, thereby infecting Edelmann with Type-Oh No Negative. Now the doc’s a vampire that runs around town making work for the coroner.

House of Dracula

Somehow they wedge Frankenstein’s monster into the mix. Why not? In for a penny, in for a pound. While F’s monster doesn’t really do anything except lumber around like it was last call, it’s the now evil doc who needs to taste the wrath of torches and rakes wielded by hangman jury-esque villagers.

House of Dracula

Dracula, wearing a top hat indoors (how rude), is hammy and seems to be phoning it in. Larry Talbot sports a mustache (like he freakin’ needs more hair on his face). The doc – in both care giver and care taker form – gets most of the screen time (and will no doubt bill you for it). The hunchback nurse is killed and her body tossed in a cave hole. (I had a hunch that would happen. Heh.) And Frankenstein’s monster, who locked it up with Larry in Frankenstein Meets The Wolf Man (1943), gets the raw end of the electrode YET AGAIN, and goes up in flames with the rest of the castle in the movie’s rushed climax/ending. He’ll be back.

House of Frankenstein / House of the Wolf Man

P.S. Wolf Man and Frankenstein’s M were reunited in 2009’s House of the Wolf Man. Those two just can’t seem to get along. Maybe they should try regular therapy instead of shock therapy.

Vampires and Heaving Bosoms

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Scream Queens, TV Vixens, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 15, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

The J.C. Penny™ catalog handsome Captain Kronos, former military man in 18th Century England and his hunchback assistant Professor Hieronymus Grost (only in England would they name somebody “Hieronymus”), hunt and kill vampires. Why? Because vampires suck. (Heh.) Actually, it’s because Kornos’ mom and sister were converted into the undead and he was forced to make them all the way dead. Thus seals his fate.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

K and H’s travels lead them to a small village plagued by a black-shrounded vampire that doesn’t suck blood, but rather the entire youth right out of young lasses with heaving bosoms. (Side note: the Professor explains that there are many species of vampires, each requiring a different methodology to kill them. Where a stake through the heart might stop one vamp, it’s merely a painful horsefly bite to another. Harshness abounds.)

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Along the way Capt. K frees a stunningly gorgeous peasant girl from the stockade. She rewards him by taking her clothes off and the such. Now the vampire hunting team has a new member. OK, that didn’t come out right.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Enter the vain and self-priveleged Durward family – deathbed mom, poofy son and narcissistic daughter – all of whom are the obvious suspects behind the sucking. Mom, whose face looks like wet plaster, lays in bed and just…won’t…die, while her kids spend all their time looking in mirrors. Their dad, a legendary undefeated swordsman, is buried nearby. Captain Kronos is an undefeated swordsman as well, though not as yet buried. Factor in vampire lore and can see where this ultimately ends up.

Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter

Several nice twists sets up the baring of fangs (in addition to boobies) and the clashing of sabers. Not terribly gory or even amped up with teeth-to-neck action, Captain Kronos, Vampire Hunter (1974) nevertheless, has it’s charms, mostly due to the gorgeous peasant girl. Her scenes alone are worth some private time. Ahem. But you’ll get a right jolly chortle (British word for LOL) out of the tavern scene with a Kronos pitted against drunk bullies who tease the Professor’s condition. You don’t need to be a hunchback to know how it ends. Suffice to say, it was totally brill. (British word for LMAO. Or “awesome.” Works either way.)