Skinwalkers, Prime Time Cults, Evil Birdhouses

Every time I think there are no more cool things to distract me from real life, up pops a thing so cool, life itself becomes meaningless. This time it’s The Evil Dead (1981) horror cabin made into a birdhouse. Made by Reddit’s murdrfaze — and soon-to-be for sale (albeit severely limited to 10) — the birdhouses are constructed by hand and the rock chimney made from creek stones. I feel that’s pretty dang cool.

I’d probably buy one but I think all the birds in my neighborhood are already possessed by the same demons that made The Evil Dead cabin so evil. If you could see how many times I have to wash the bird crap off my car, you’d swear some giant, flying beaked monster ate a high fiber city and decided to pooptie all over my hooptie.

Speaking of things that may or may not make you wanna soil yourself (or on someone else’s car that’s not mine), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that could qualify as being quite craptacular…

THE MONSTER PROJECT (August 18, 2017)/Limited/VOD)
“A group of aspiring horror filmmakers, eager to raise their YouTube™ subscriber count, post an online casting call for ‘real life’ monsters to interview for their documentary. They find three participants and choose to film them sharing their haunted experiences in a mansion in the woods on the night of a lunar eclipse. The production suddenly turns into a nightmare when the participants transform into a real skinwalker, vampire, and demon forcing the unsuspecting crew to fight for their lives.”

Cool title and premise. Wish they called me to be one of the monsters; I think I’d make for a pretty good werewolf/skinwalker, what with my long hair and penchant for ribeye steaks with a side of khakis. And no, I wouldn’t go around sniffing butts. Even as a werewolf, I’d maintain at least a few social standards.

AMERICAN HORROR STORY: CULT (September 5, 2017)
“Politics and clowns play a pivotal role in AHS: Cult.”

Clowns and politicians. Thought they were one in the same. The new art, though, suggests bees will somehow be around to create a buzz (heh) about AHS’s seventh season. I hear it’ll be an 11-episode dealie. Was not a big fan of season six (Roanoke), though I did like season 5 (Hotel). Pretty dang gory, violent and entertaining because of those two essential horror ingredients. So for season seven, keep those and just add a little…honey. (Heh.)

LEATHERFACE
(September 21, 2017/DirecTV/October 20, 2017Theatrical/VOD)
“Jessica Madsen plays one of four inmates who escape from a mental hospital. One of them becomes the title character and iconic slasher. The quartet kidnap a young nurse and take her on a road trip from hell. Along the way, they are pursued by an equally deranged lawman out for revenge.”

Wrote about this one back on October 25 of the year 2016 A.D.. But hey, new poster and a locked ’n loaded (finally) release date. Here’s some more info that’ll rev up you — it’s being given an R rating for “strong bloody violence, disturbing images, language and some sexuality/nudity.” I have no problem with that.

CAMP COLD BROOK (in production)
Camp Cold Brook centers around a horrific incident in 1993 when dozens of young campers, without warning, stand at attention, seemingly in a hypnotic trance, and proceed to attack not only each other but the staff as well with deadly intent. The survivors then bind their feet with rope tethered to large rocks and drag themselves into the nearby lake.”

“Twenty-five years later, reality TV ghost hunter Jack Wilson finds himself in a tough spot. His show, Haunted Places, is on the brink of being canceled. In a last ditch effort to spark ratings to land a final season, he and his producers, as well as their trusted cameraman, choose the legend of Camp Cold Brook to try to save their show.”

“Their arrival begins like any other episode. Cameras are placed, and the team sets up shop in the dilapidated lodge and waits. But this is not going to be a regular episode. The terror here was real, and the 30 are about to rise.”

Yes, this has been done before, so quit e-yawning. That’s MY job.

Hell Has Frozen Over – Might As Well Go Skiing

While the horror of 2016 has yet to be fully realized, might as well look ahead to the upcoming (movie) horrors of 2017…

CUTE LITTLE BUGGERS (2017)
“After hostile aliens crash land on local farmland, the villagers at the summer ball get suspicious when young women start going missing. The villagers soon band together to fend off the invaders and bring peace back to the sleepy English countryside.”

Why are aliens more often than not depicted as being hostile? Just because they tend to stick sharp things in our Earth orifices for the sake of science shouldn’t be taken as a signal of ill-intent between planets. If that were the case, then we might as well declare open season on proctologists. (I’m looking in your direction, Dr. “Big Finger” Lindermund.)

HOTEL OF THE DAMNED (December 6 / VOD)
“After a near fatal car accident, and stranded in the middle of nowhere, a group of travelers find themselves in an abandoned hotel deep in the Carpathian Mountains. Their bad luck becomes a nightmare when they discover that in the cavernous remains of the hotel live a race of sub-human cannibalistic creatures.”

A hotel for cannibalistic creatures? Cool! Looked everywhere on Expedia™ and couldn’t locate one for my upcoming vacation. I did, however, find one place that hosts such sub-humans — my apartment building.

DEVIL’S DOMAIN (2017)
“Lisa Pomson is a troubled, social media-obsessed teen, conflicted with her sexuality and her parents’ misunderstanding of her. When Lisa gets secretly filmed binging, purging, and masturbating, the video goes viral; and she suffers extreme cyber-bullying. Suicidal and on the brink of insanity, a beautiful, mysterious stranger (the Devil) strikes up an online relationship with her. They grow close and meet, and the stranger offers to help in exchange for a favor: Satan will rid her of the bullies and give Lisa fame and fortune in exchange for a baby. Lisa agrees, but as the bullies die one by one, Lisa’s conscience kicks in and she regrets making the deal.”

So the Devil is online? I don’t know why this doesn’t surprise me. Then again, now that the election is done and Hell has frozen over, it makes perfect sense. (Wouldn’t it suck if you requested the Devil to friend you, and got denied? Ouch!)

REPLACE (2017)
“Young and beautiful Kira is afflicted with a strange disease where her skin ages rapidly to the point of drying out and crumbling away. When she discovers that she can replace her own skin with somebody else’s, she has to make a choice: watch her own body wither and die, or give in to temptation…whatever the price.”

A spin on The Picture of Dorian Grey (1945) and every movie starring Countess Elizabeth Bathory, who bathed in the rejuvenating broth of young, beautiful women so that she can continue looking in a mirror without breaking it. Replace begs the question — exactly how do you go about appropriating someone else’s skin for vanity purposes? I’d start by asking Texas Chain Saw Massacre’s (1974) Leatherface or those tuna-smelling, skin degloving fish people from Dagon (2001).

Hand Maid UFO

If you go through life and never get a chance to board a real flying saucer, here’s the next best thing: Sweden’s UFO – a hotel in the woods built to look like an extraterrestrial hooptie (street for sweet ride).

Named simply The UFO, this flippin’ cool hotel is situated near Sweden’s unpolluted Lule River and can house two adults and two kids for £374 a night. Two things: That converts to an otherworldly $539.81 U.S. fun bucks. Secondly, I don’t care how much you love your kids, this is too expensive to let rug rats come along. Best to take two other adults and split the bill four ways: $134+ each. Add booze and get your probe on.

The UFO was built by Tree Hotel, a company that is world-recognized and awarded for their tree house designs (it already won the Swedish Grand Tourism Prize), like The Blue Cone, The Dragonfly and The Bird’s Nest, which looks like a real bird’s nest – they served hatched eggs for breakfast. (This is where Mothra stays when she’s in town.)

Lastly, you have to climb a long stair step ladder to get into The UFO. I would’ve thought for that price they could beam you up. And the bed sheets are printed with the Constellation. Now you can find Uranus in the comfort of your own pajamas.

Click HERE for more sweet tree house themed hotel action.

Classic ’70s Sleaze Horror

Hard to come up with a horror movie title more tantalizing than 1977’s Eaten Alive. Oh sure they tried, even by re-titling this Seventies lurid gem: Death Trap, Horror Hotel and Starlight Slaughter. Meh. Eaten Alive tells you everything you need to know.

And this is why it’s so cool Eaten Alive is being re-issued on Blu-ray™ with a metric ton of extras sometime in July, 2015. So why all this fuss over a low budget sleazy horror movie that barely made it to the drive-in big screens and was left collecting dust in VHS discount bins?

First, look who was involved with this thing: Tobe Hooper directed and did the soundtrack. You may remember him as the director from another forgotten little movie called The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974). Then there was a starring role from Caroline Jones, widely known as Morticia from The Addams Family cult TV series (1964 – 1966) playing a brothel owner. And who is that shirtless redneck hick trying to score with a hooker? None other than Freddy Krueger himself – Robert England. Marilyn Burns, who played the endlessly screaming survivor in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre, stars as an unhappy wife. How can you ever be happy after being tormented by a chain saw?

Eaten Alive has it all – a war-damaged scuzzy hotel owner, some bare boobies, some gory deaths by way of a scythe, and a GIANT CROCODILE. Set in the Louisiana swamp backwoods, Judd, the hotel proprietor, has loose noodles for brains and keeps the aforementioned GIANT CROCODILE as a pet in the stink pond the hotel (more like a shack with several rooms) ’round back. Throw in a beleaguered prostitute, a feisty redneck, some guests who shouldn’t really be there and the GIANT CROCODILE that eats you alive, you have a movie that practically writes itself.

The re-issued Eaten Alive contains so many extras, it would take me away from watching my UFO stories on YouTube™ to list ’em all here. Of the plethora of bonus stuff, I’m visibly shocked they didn’t have an interview with the GIANT CROCODILE itself, reminiscing about what Freddy Krueger tastes like. Then again, it’s not polite to talk with your mouth full.