Anorexic Superheroes, Hipster Sharks, Fatal Photography

Been LOL-ing over the ongoing body shaming of The Flash. A leaked on set BTS photo showed actor Grant Gustin in his famous Flash costume that triggered countless dip-wads online calling him out for being too skinny. For a guy who has been known (in comics) to reach 13 trillion times the speed of light, it’s doubtful he could even run to catch a bus were it not for the Speed Force burning off all that accrued burger blubber. (Flash needs to consume 10,000 calories a day so he doesn’t go into a donut coma.)

There was a time, though, when The Flash got really tubby. It was issue #115 (1960) when Gorilla Grodd shot Flash with a chub gun that made him absorb the air’s moisture, swelling up to 1,000 pounds. He looked like walking water balloon. A big water balloon.

So while you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/TV shows that may or may not give you the runs…

FRENZY (available now)
“A group of millennial friends run a popular travel vlog that helps fund their adventures. Paige, the leader of the group, recently brought her younger sister Lindsey into the fold. Lindsey and another group member strike up a romance, quickly becoming the most popular members to their followers. To help boost viewership the group decides to take an illegal snorkeling trip to a beautiful cove. But when their float plane crashes they find themselves fighting for their lives when they are attacked by a pack of great white sharks.”

Yet ANOTHER shark movie. Not surprised; movie sharks work cheap and put swim suits in seats. Even as cliched and watered down the plot is, it would be highly gratifying to see the sharks make seaweed droppings out of the millennials (the new stupid term for dumb college students).

THE PURGE (September 4, 2018)
“Set in an altered America ruled by a totalitarian political party, the series follows several seemingly unrelated characters living in a small city. As the clock winds down, each character is forced to reckon with their past as they discover how far they will go to survive the night.”

Not seeing the point other than cashing in of making The Purge into a 10-episode TV series, especially after the sequels ran the one-note plot line into the ground: The Purge (2013), The Purge: Anarchy (2014), The Purge: Election Year (2016) and The First Purge (2018). The Purge, as you know, revolves around a 12-hour period that allows for penalty-free crime and killings to happen once a year. Isn’t that what happens in grocery stores practically every day?

SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET (2018)
“Skeletons in the Closet is a late-night, horror anthology television series featuring The Widow and her dead husband, Charlie. Each episode finds them providing hilarious commentary on a variety of B-movie horror films — some of which are terrifying. Their number one fan, a precocious 11-year-old named Jamie, never misses an episode. With her parents out for the evening, Jamie sits down in front of the tube to devour the delectable terror, but her favorite Friday night freak show is constantly interrupted by her annoying new babysitter, Tina. If they can survive each other, they may be able to survive the night!”

Um, where’s the threat that has the babysitter and the kid having to “survive the night”? Maybe someone goes postal when the TV runs out of juice.

DEADLY STILL (2018)
“A handful of teenagers have no idea what dark secrets are tied to the mysterious camera they stumble upon in a cabin in the woods, but it doesn’t take long for them to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a gruesome end.”

Wow — this sounds EXACTLY like the plot of Polaroid (2017): “High school loner Bird Fitcher has no idea what dark secrets are tied to the Polaroid™ vintage camera she stumbles upon, but it doesn’t take long to discover that those who have their picture taken meet a tragic end.”

How embarrassing that must be for all involved.

High-Fiber Horror

Horror anthologies seem to be plopping out with all the regularity of a high-fiber breakfast these days. Hot on the tale of Tales of Halloween (2015) comes The Horror Network in time for October, 2015, featuring five stories of super icky fun horror stuff in the form of serial killers, inner demons, otherworld monsters, creepy stalkers, and ghostly phone calls. Oooh, ghostly phone calls – I really miss those on my old land line.

So, like, five of horror’s most promising new directing talents join forces to pay homage to classic horror like Creepshow, Tales From the Crypt, V/H/S and The ABCs of Death. I happen to be a big fan of all of the above. You’re welcome.

FYI: The DVD of The Horror Network will exclusively include a number of bonus features. Oooh, I really like bonus features.

Japanese Giant Eyeballs

A 1964 Japanese-made anthology of four “horror” stories involving ghosts, Kwaidan doesn’t have Samaurias in hockey masks spilling teenage guts all over the floor or rotted spirits with crooked teeth looking to suck on your brains. Instead, it’s more artsy, going for color, atmospheric settings, slow suspense build-up and mixed results pay-off. These stories came from a Greek dude but were adapted to the Japanese culture. I don’t know why I know that.

Of the stories – “The Black Hair,” “The Woman of the Snow” and “In a Cup of Tea,” it’s the charmingly titled, “Hoichi the Earless” that’s the most fun with its cool graveyard scenes. It’s a story about a blind musician, or “biwa hoshi” whose specialty is singing “The Tale of the Heike,” about the Battle of Dan-no-ura, a war fought between Emperor Antoku and Minamoto no Yoritomo during the last phase of the Genpei War. (OK, I totally copied that off Wikipedia™ – but just for fact-checking, as I for real knew all that stuff in the first place. I just didn’t know how to spell everything.) I also liked the giant eye in “The Woman of the Snow.” Giant eyes are kinda neat.

These are all metaphoric tales of loss, grief, remorse, blah, blah, blah. Brain-eating can be remorseful, too, but you just have to let it be so. While it’s been described as one of the most meticulously crafted supernatural films ever made, Kwaidan is like reading a poetry book when what you really want is a TV Guide™. Still, the snow woman is kinda hot.