Hooker Horror, Goat Gore, Strange Children

The dark comedy cult horror hit, Frankenhooker came out in 1990. Sporting one of the best movie titles ever in the history of ever, you can now, for the first time in three decades, get officially-licensed Frankenhooker merch from one of the best horror swag sites, Fright-Rags.com. They’re featuring five different shirt designs and even Frankenhooker socks, because why not?

You say you haven’t seen Frankenhooker? Here’s the detailings: “Jeffrey Franken, a medical student, sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of New York prostitutes.” Best. Plot. Ever. So how did his fiancée get decapitated? A lawnmower. How did he get the body parts from the NY prostitutes? Giving them super-crack to smoke, which made them explode. (One of the funniest scenes is when Zorro, their pimp, gets knocked out by a flying hooker head that just blew off.) They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

So while you rent the movie and click on over to Fright-Rags to get some cool Frankenhooker adornments (buy ’em), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna get a lawnmower haircut…

GOATMAN / Out now (VOD)

“A news reporter and her crew investigating the legend of Goatman in a dense forest find themselves in danger, and getting a bigger story than any of them could imagine.”

Wonder if Goatman’s first name is Billy?

DARKEST OF LIES / Out now (VOD)

“Army vet Travis reluctantly follows his wife Rochelle to the West Coast after she lands a life-changing job. Living with the scars of war, and waning off an opioid addiction, he struggles to find a sense of belonging in the couple’s new home. However, his best efforts are thwarted by an onset of horrifying hallucinations and dark visions.”

Then Travis better not go to the Tug Tavern for Horrifying Hallucinations ’n Dark Visions Night: a keg of freshness-expired Steel Reserve™ is $1.00 a pint until the first person goes to the bathroom. Then it’s .50 cents.

SEIRE / June 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Woojin, who has just became the father of a newborn baby, hears that Seyoung, whom he had once dated, has died. He goes to her funeral without telling his wife, and comes across Yeyoung, Seoyung’s twin sister. Following this encounter, Woojin and his family experience a series of horrific misfortunes.”

The first horrific misfortune was being named “Woojin.”

VIOLETT / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A series of strange child disappearances have left the rural town of Miles in a state of disbelief. Shadows of grief reverberate through the streets and into a silenced home, where sick mother Sonya fears unspeakable evil will soon snatch her 11-year-old daughter Violett. Disconnected from her husband, Sonya’s paranoia forms the dregs of a once troubled childhood which threatens her sanity and the things she loves most. As bizarre visions and disturbing characters from the neighborhood emerge, Sonya is about to discover more than just one grisly truth.”

Strange children disappearing? Um, they need to change that sentence to “strange disappearances of children” so I can get back to my bizarre visions. 

7 Mummies Makes One Weak

A half-dozen criminal convicts being transported across the Mexican desert manage to escape, taking the supermodel prison guard with them as hostage material.

Roasting under the blistering sun, they have nothing to drink except “land water” (dirt), no food, and no ChapStick™. Finding a gold medallion in the land dirt, the desert Holy Man (or “sand shaman”) tells them of more gold (specifically the ancient treasure of Tumacacori) than 10 men couldn’t spend in 10 lifetimes. I’ll take that challenge.

All they have to do is keep walking until they get to a small old time-y western town. It’s there they’ll find their destinies. And hookers. (Destiny…hookers — same thing.) Besides looking out of time and place, there’s something not right with the dusty town.

The criminals walk into the saloon, which looks straight out of the 1800s, and are offered free beer, food, and destiny hookers. Two things: Where is this town exactly so I can put in a change of address, and secondly, is there a local laundromat?

Once the sun goes down, all of the supermodels and townsfolk turn into flesh-eating ghouls. They still look the same, but attack their guests as if free platters of Arby’s™ 5 for $5 roast beef sandwiches. A few manage to escape, but don’t leave town as they came for the gold.

This business model is further complicated by the seven mummified Jesuit priests that leap to life to protect the gold. That they know how to do martial arts means that was either part of their religious training, or the movie sucks.

So what have we/I learned about 7 Mummies (2005)? That gold is heavy, 400 year-old Jesuit priests can kick your ass, old time-y hookers have implants, a motorcycle can barely outrun a horse, and rap music sucks. But you/me already knew that.

Birth of the Wolf Man

One would think the origins of a werewolf would be more biblically epic than just a feral kid being brought up by stink wolves. (So did they make him go to his den after back barking?) But that’s the base premise of Legend of the Werewolf (1975), a well-intentioned although semi-meaninful pile of wet fur of a horror movie.

A traveling circus circa 19th Century happens across the ankle/throat biter on the side of the road and decides to make him their featured attraction as the “Wolf Boy.” And since he’s under age, they don’t have to pay him. But they do have to give him a name: Etoile. I don’t know how to pronounce that. Regardless, it translates as “Star.” I like Etoile better.

As Ety grows up, he kills circus employees when the moon is full. This expectedly gets him fired. Amazingly/ironically, the young man finds a job as a zoo keeper in Paris. And you know what’s next to the zoo? A brothel! Monkeys and hookers – Etoile just hit the jackpot.

Though he’s only known the life of showbiz, Etoile is naive in the ways of the world, and falls in love with Christine, one of the prostitutes, or “talonneurs.” Good thing: Etoile doesn’t know what Christine does for a living. Bad thing: Etoile finds out what Christine does for a living.

After witnessing Christine working the night shift, Etoile goes crazy jealous mad under the full moon and rips her client to dead shreds. This is not a good business model for Christine’s public service job, who also rebuffs his marriage proposal.

Meanwhile, a forensic surgeon examining Etoile’s road kill, puts together enough clues to land the tantrum prone wolf man in the dog house with the law.

Eventually cornered towards the end of one hour and twenty-six minutes, Etoile gets his bestiality on and turns into a white werewolf instead of the preferred dark brown or black variety. It’s here Etoile is shot right in the underground sewer by police officers with prominent facial hair. I find that to be tragically ironic.

It should be noted that Etoile can speak human while in wolf form, and seems repentant for his hairy behavior. A bullet to the back is his accepted apology. Only thing left Christine to do is clock in, change into her work clothes and get back to laying down on the job.

A Killer Yuppie

In the slaughter-riffic American Psycho (2000), a high-powered corporate shirt-tucker plays material oneupmanship with his snobby peers and it becomes a game of “look at what I have.”

Soon, this vapid lifestyle begins to warp this poor excuse for a human and he erupts in mindless yet ferociously angry violence to help him make sense of his senseless world. (Can’t tell you how many times I’ve done that myself.)

He analyzes music from Huey Lewis & The News, Phil Collins and Whitney Houston while chopping up his buddy with an ax who has better business cards than him. He hires hookers to have cash-only sex, then chases them down the hall with a state-of-the-art chainsaw. Black comedy at its finest, this is one funny movie and a crushing commentary on male vanity. (Is there really such a thing?)

Copious drug use, unsafe intercourse, rented limos, reserved tables at trendy dinner establishments, nail guns. You never get to see the actual dissections. (Then again, you didn’t see any in The Texas Chain Saw Massacre/1974, either.) But Christian Bale as Patrick Bateman is the best non-mask wearing serial-killing psycho to wield cutlery since Norman Bates.

Vampire Hookers

No mistaking the, um, “subtle” imagery for the upcoming sales poster for Lilin’s Brood. Clearly, it’s a message to be nicer to snakes and to include more fruit in your diet. That, or have sex with vampire hookers. While apples might be better for you, I’m gonna have to recommend gettin’ jiggy with the vampire hookers. (Wonder if they take “bit” coin? Heh.)

Therein lies the framework (my presumption, anyway) for Lillian’s Blood, releasing February 12, 2016. An indie horror flick. Here’s what lays down: A “New Media” news coverage team (W.H.I.S.T.L.E.) is stranded near a beleaguered brothel in the middle of nowhere; recovered footage will reveal what happens when they encounter a group of women with a terrifying secret.”

The so-called “secret” is that this group of women want your various fluids – and are skilled at extracting said juices in a manner of saucy ways.

While contemplating such saucy notions, try your best not to confuse Lilin’s Brood (2000) with Lilith’s Brood, a series of sci-fi novels (Dawn, Adulthood Rites, Imago) under one banner  by author Octavia Butler. If you know how to read, the novels are described as “profoundly evocative, sensual – and disturbing – epic of human transformation.”

Cool – aliens gettin’ jiggy with Earth peeps. Wonder if the books come illustrated?

Hunting Demons

Oh, that sneaky Asmodeus, up to his old tricks again. As a demon vampire he’s knocking up hookers to carry his demon seeds to cause all sorts of heckaroo on Earth. But Jake the Demon Hunter, with all the emotion of a DMV clerk, is out to stop him. It’s his job – and his boss is the Cardinal (head religious guy, not the red bird or one of the St. Louis baseball players).

Jake is good at cleaning up botched exorcisms: he beats the Hell out of the possessed. But the church wants him to go after Asmodeus because A’s unsavory ’n evil ’n stinky. Along to assist is a nun who is a supermodel. On Asmodeus’ team is a Succubus who wants to give Jake a hellishly delightful hummer – and almost succeeds, except Jake, being half human and half demon himself, knows all the catches to that sort of deal. She’ll probably wanna hang out afterward, go shopping and buy a puppy together. Not in Jake’s plan.

But Asmodeus turns out to be a freakin’ wuss and doesn’t do anything cool except throw a few decent punches. The Succubus, at least, has flappy demon wings and weird fleshy horns that look like deformed cow udders poking out of her head. But it’s Sarah, the hot nun, who becomes the real star – right after she turns into a demon herself and removes Asmodeus’ left spleen.

Sarah and Jake go at it, Jake wins, the church is happy, but there’s way too many unanswered questions. Where did the Succubus go after Jake stabbed her in the boob? What happened to all the hot vampire hookers that were made “with demon child” up by Asmodeus? How did the church already know Sarah was a demon? And what did Jake mean when he told ’em, “Oh, yeah? Well I have a plan, too!”?

Demon Hunter (2005) is loaded with topless eye candy and even a crotch shot (thankfully female), but little else to convince us Jake is the demon hunting badass the DVD cover wants us to believe.