Archive for hooch

Demon Clowns, Amphibious Monsters, Hippie Bongs

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Evil Bong: 666

Looking into Lotto™ strategies to become financially self-sustained so I can watch horror/sci-fi movies as my “day job” without ever having to put pants on to make a living. Any tips, lucky numbers or insider info would be much appreciated.

Here’s four upcoming new ones headed my/your way. Pants not required.

EVIL BONG: 666 (April 20, 2017)
“When a brutal blood sacrifice opens a portal to Hell, Eebee and The Gingerdead Man are returned to Earth. But his trip to Hell has driven Gingerdead even more insane, and unless someone can stop his murderous cookie-cuttin’ rampage he’s gonna ruin Eebee’s plans for world domination. In a last-minute fit of inspiration Eebee channels her inner Dr. Frankenstein and creates The Gingerweed Man! A tiny, cobbled together monster made from the greatest strains of weed on earth, this little killer is ready to get high with a little help from his friends!”

Not a fan of stoner horror because the only way to enjoy it is to be stoned. I prefer a nice carafe of Budweiser™ or a snifter of paint thinner hooch to augment my horror movie experiences. P.S. Don’t do drugs.

Clowntergeist

CLOWNTERGEIST (2017)
“Emma, a college student with a crippling fear of clowns, must come face to face with her worst fear when an evil spirit in the body of a clown is summoned, terrorizing the town she calls home. One by one Emma and her friends receive a balloon with the exact time and date of when it will appear to kill them written on it. After receiving her balloon, Emma realizes that she has two days left to live, and must fight against the clock to find a way to survive.”

Makes sense that a demon-possessed clown would use balloons to get his point across. Personally, I’d go with one of those cool, honking squeezy horns. That tends to get people’s attention, especially in restrooms. And they just sound so funny.

Cold Skin

COLD SKIN (2017)
“On the edge of the Antarctic Circle a ship approaches a desolate island far from all shipping lanes. On board is a young man, on his way to assume the post of weather observer, to live in solitude at the end of the earth. But on shore he finds no trace of the man whom he has been sent to replace, just a deranged castaway who has witnessed a horror he refuses to name. The young man will soon realize that with each night comes an army of humanoid killer amphibians.”

This one sounds cool. But it does beg the question of why humanoid killer amphibians would seek out a meager food source at the ends of the Earth when we have so many all-you-can-eat beach buffets around here. Just ask any shark — surfers are basically crunchy seals.

Demon Hole

DEMON HOLE (2017)
“A fracking crew drills on sacred Native American land unleashing an ancient demon. Six teens have to serve community service in the remote forest where the demon is lurking. They find themselves trapped in a realm of illusions with plenty of marijuana, an abandoned cabin, dark caves, endless woods, and temptation. There are only two ways out of these woods — succumb to the demon or die.”

Note to ancient demon: Please don’t let those fracking teens out of the woods. And if you need more, we’ll ship ‘em to you, no charge. Just like having an Amazon Prime™ account.

Alcoholic Alien

Posted in Aliens, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on January 27, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Man Who Fell To Earth

Thomas Jerome Newton is a humanoid alien from a distant planet. It’s oddly comforting to know that even on other worlds, having a first, last and middle name is a universal rule.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

Mercurial rock icon David Bowie plays Thomas, the bald alien with cat pupils. He was the perfect choice for this sci-fi pic as Bowie IS an alien. So he comes to Earth looking for water as his home planet is as dried up as the condoms in my bathroom.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

His wife and kid on Planet Dust are thirstier than all get out, but they have to wait while Thomas makes millions off his electronic inventions so that he can afford to build a spaceship and bring mom and offspring some Space Kool-Aid™. Not sure why he simply didn’t bring ’em along and drop ’em off at the pool.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

While on this planet, Thomas gets himself a “goes all the way” girlfriend. (What happens on Earth, stays on Earth.) He also goes all the way into TV, personal firearms and other great trappings about this planet. But his new friends, like every human, can be bribed, which the government does to get the inside scoop on this effeminate extraterrestrial.

The Man Who Fell To Earth

They strap him to a chair and subject him to painful probing experiments. During the course of these “finger exams,” Thomas becomes a full-blown alcoholic. (Wouldn’t you? Earth hooch is so darn tasty.) And because of his earth-condition, he can never go back to his parched family. Time to drink the grief away.

Bowie is totally convincing as an alien in The Man Who Fell To Earth (1976), probably because he’s from outer freakin’ space. And his 1969 “Space Oddity,” a song about going face first into the galaxy and not coming back – those lyrics are for real, man.