Archive for Home Alone

Joe Bob Returns, T-Rex Take-Out, Ouija Warning Labels

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 18, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Joe Bob Briggs

Better news that’s on the news: Joe Bob Briggs, the canned beer-swilling, B-movie/syndicated columnist/author/TV host, is coming back to TV for a 24-hour horror-thon in June of 2018. This will take place on Shudder™, so far the leading streaming horror movie channel. This is, like, Christmas and Halloween on the same day!

Monstervision

From the official press release: “JOE BOB’S COMING BACK TO TV! He’s gonna be hosting a 24 HOUR MOVIE MARATHON on Shudder™. That’s right, 24 hours of Joe Bob’s intros, outros, and OF COURSE the drive-in totals. It’ll start on a Friday in June, although we don’t know which Friday yet.”

Honey The Mail Girl

You may remember Joe Bob’s top-rated MonsterVision show, which ran on the TNT Network from 1995 to 2000, and featured classic horror and schlock films from the ’70s, ’80s and ’90s, along with tons of hilarious commentary, special guests, and the drop dead gorgeous Honey, the mail girl, now a successful attorney in Bloomington, IN. (Previously, the eccentric comedy team of Penn & Teller guest-hosted MonsterVision marathons that showed old B-movies from the ’50s and ’60s.)

While we use our combined will power/mental abilities and all stare at our TVs in unison to get it to change to June, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi/fantasy movies to drink canned beer while watching… 

Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom

JURASSIC WORLD: FALLEN KINGDOM (June 22, 2018)
“It’s been four years since theme park and luxury resort Jurassic World was destroyed by dinosaurs out of containment. Isla Nublar now sits abandoned by humans while the surviving dinosaurs fend for themselves in the jungles. When the island’s dormant volcano begins roaring to life, Owen and Claire mount a campaign to rescue the remaining dinosaurs from this extinction-level event. Owen is driven to find Blue, his lead raptor who’s still missing in the wild, and Claire has grown a respect for these creatures she now makes her mission. Arriving on the unstable island as lava begins raining down, their expedition uncovers a conspiracy that could return our entire planet to a perilous order not seen since prehistoric times.’

Disclaimer: I already tagged this on June 25, 2017. Since then the movie has come up with a new poster (look up) and has more a descriptive description of the plot, which can be deglazed into simply, modern day dinosaurs eat humans and wreck stuff. Also, the original key art had the movie arriving on June 6, 2018. But my studied research (occasionally clicking around the web) found a redacted poster with the June 22, 2018 release date. Matters not — modern day dinosaurs eating humans, man!

The Innocents

THE INNOCENTS (August 24, 2018/Netflix™)
“The series will explore what happens when teenagers Harry and June run away from their repressive family lives to be together. They’re quickly thrown into an extraordinary journey of self-discovery that derails their innocent dream: Secrets kept from them by their parents test their love to the breaking point, and the extraordinary gift they possess unleashes powerful forces intent on dividing them forever.”

Another Netflix™ TV series, which is not necessarily a bad thing — unless you don’t have Netflix™ — ha! This sounds like YET ANOTHER spin on the ‘ol “Romeo and Juliet” thing, but with some supernatural stuff and probably way too much plot-stalling smooching.

Ouija House

OUIJA HOUSE (2018)
“To help her down-on-her-luck mother, a graduate student brings her friends to a mysterious house where they plan to do research for a book project. But they inadvertently summon an evil entity with plans of its own.”

Anyone who f’s with anything Ouija has to know by now it’s like those warning signs on cigarette packages that say (in all caps): “CAUTION: CIGARETTE SMOKING MAY BE HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH.” They should just change “cigarette smoking” to “summoning evil” and start putting that label on Ouija boards.

Knuckleball

KNUCKLEBALL (2018)
“After his grandfather unexpectedly dies in the night, 12 year-old Henry finds himself cut off and alone on an isolated farm. When his nearest neighbor, Dixon, realizes that the boy has no one to protect him, Henry becomes a target for reasons he cannot understand. With his parents at least 24 hours from returning and a massive snowstorm brewing, Henry retreats into the house and prepares for a siege. What follows is a desperate battle for survival that will also unlock the terrifying connection between his family and the killer next door.”

Sounds like Home Alone (1990), but with more stabbing.

Consensual Alien Abduction, Ghost Houses, Super Brains

Posted in Aliens, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, UFOs with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 31, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Alien Abduction

Came across an irresistible click-bait headline on AmericanUpbeat.com: “How To Get Abducted By Aliens.” Well, dang times 10 — who wouldn’t want a guide to making new space friends?

Alien Abduction

In the article, written by Erin — someone with only a first name (apparently her last name fell victim to probing) — it states in order to get adducted, you need to have certain  “preferred” qualities that appeal to “picky” extraterrestrials. 

UFOs

From the article: “There are ways to make yourself more marketable to aliens. They prefer certain traits. Aliens prefer humans with certain cultural value, such as poets, video gamers, or smokers. There are also some occupations that they prefer as well, but it varies a lot.”

UFOs

Crud. I’m not a poet (though I never pass up a chance to rhyme “art” with “fart”), I don’t play video games, nor do I smoke — healthy cigarettes or gateway pot. (Disclaimer — I just now found out cigarettes are NOT healthy. Could’ve fooled me — they look a lot like candy cigarettes, which are yummy, though really hard to keep lit.

UFOs

So while we’re all waiting for the next Intergalactic Probe Party (Crisco™ optional), here are a few just released/upcoming horror/sci-fi and genre documentaries that may or may not make you clench…

UFO Chronicles: The Aliens Arrive

UFO CHRONICLES: THE ALIENS ARRIVE (available now)
Dr. Michael E. Salla explores the socio political ramifications of extraterrestrial life on planet Earth. Learn about the diversity of alien species currently visiting us, the role of the ‘greys’, the agenda of the industrial military complex, ET technology dissemination and more.”

Juts like an academic to over-think things. Yes, aliens have been visiting us for decades. No, it hasn’t altered any socio politics, other than selling enough T-shirts to fill Uranus. (Man, I never get tired of that joke. It seems so….socio political.)

Prodigy

PRODIGY (available now)
“A secret branch of the military calls upon psychologist James Fonda to take the case of a dangerous patient, nine-year-old Ellie. As their session begins, the young girl dissects Dr. Fonda’s unconventional methods, revealing her genius-level intellect. Only by challenging her to a battle of wits does Fonda begin to unravel the supernatural mystery surrounding Ellie — a deadly secret that threatens to destroy them both.”

I liked it better when it was called Morgan (2016). In that one, Morgan, the genius-level young gal being experimented on, stabs one of the doctors in the eye with a fork meant for, say, mac and cheese or a nice dinner salad with balsamic dressing. But no croûtons. Those things belong in salads like marbles belong in gumball machines.

Ghostland

GHOSTLAND (April 2018)
“A mother of two inherits a home from her Aunt. On the first night in the new home she is confronted with murderous intruders and fights for her daughters’ lives. When the girls suffer this terrible childhood trauma, their disparate personalities diverge even further. One becomes a famous horror author, with a perfect family and life in Los Angeles, while the other can’t cope, and loses her mind. The movie takes place 16 years later when the daughters reunite at the house, and that’s when things get strange…”

Children are so fragile these days. Why, back in my youth, whenever murderous intruders broke into my house, I’d stab ‘em in the eyes with my oatmeal spoon. My folks brought me up right. This, by the way, became the framework for the hit home invasion movie, Home Alone (1990). True story. And I didn’t get a cent of royalties. But hey, I didn’t let it wreck my adulthood — I’m pretty good at doing that on my own — with or without my trusty oatmeal spoon.

Revenge

REVENGE (May 11, 2018)
“Jen is enjoying a romantic getaway with her wealthy boyfriend which is suddenly disrupted when his sleazy friends arrive for an unannounced hunting trip. Tension mounts in the house until the situation abruptly –– and viciously –– intensifies, culminating in a shocking act that leaves Jen left for dead. Unfortunately for her assailants, Jen survives and reemerges with a relentless, wrathful intent: revenge.”

This one obviously takes its lead from 1978’s I Spit On Your Grave (not to be confused with the restaurant horror movie, I Spit On Your Gravy.) In ISOYG, a young gal is gang raped, but later comes back to get revenge on all those peckers. The bathtub scene will mess you up to the point where you’ll probably never bathe again. Which is why to stay antiseptic fresh, I order moist towelettes by the case from Amazon.com™. Free shipping if you have an Amazon Prime™ account.

Geez, my brain is all over the map today.

Cartoon Zombies, Tent Snakes, Slenderman’s Cousin

Posted in Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Seoul Station

Read a press statement that the advanced screening for the new Wonder Woman movie was for women only — no dudes allowed. You can bet your U by Kotex Barely There® Thong Panty Liners that if the situation were reversed, girls would be screaming bloody murder.

While you ponder that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies — allowed to be read by women AND men — while I go outside and scream bloody murder…

SEOUL STATION (May 30, 2017/iTunes)
“As the sun sets around Seoul Station, an old man thought to have died sinks his teeth into the warm flesh of a homeless person. Soon, the streets are filled with vicious zombies desperate to feed. Hae-sun, a runaway, witnesses the frightening sight while her father Suk-gyu and boyfriend desperately search for her. As the attacked become the attackers, the government declares a lock out of the station, leaving the uninfected to struggle desperately against the dangerous undead. With zombie numbers exploding, people without a home to return to, now have to flee without a place to run to in order to survive.”

This is an animated (or “cartoon”) prequel to Train To Busan, 2016’s best zombie movie. Haven’t seen TtB yet? How dare you? It’s on Netflix™ and various other viewable platforms. I prefer to view it from the platform of my couch.

Rogue Warrior: Robot Fighter

ROGUE WARRIOR: ROBOT FIGHTER (June 2, 2017)
“In the distant future, artificial intelligence rules Earth, but one woman has a plan to find a mythical weapon that represents humanity’s only hope of salvation.”

Actually, she has two mythical weapons. Don’t make me explain this.

Don’t Hang Up

DON’T HANG UP (June 12, 2017/UK, June 26, 2017/US)
“Following a long tradition of cocky teenage boys with too much time on their hands, Brady, Sam, and Mosley like to amuse themselves by making prank calls. However, their cellular diversions are intensified by the extreme nature of the pranks they put their unsuspecting victims through, and the delight and encouragement they receive when they post videos of their hijinks online for maximum humiliation. Having pushed the wrong person too far, they find themselves on the other side of a call, and an evening intended for normal high school revelry turns increasingly bloody as their unknown assailant ramps up a prank of his own.”

Ugh — more social media teen horror. With a plot of borrows (or “steals”) from a dozen other movies, I bet they made it for $1. Hope they double their money at the box office.

Better Watch Out

BETTER WATCH OUT (October 6, 2017/Limited)
“On a quiet suburban street tucked within a ‘safe neighborhood’, a babysitter must defend a twelve-year-old boy from strangers breaking into the house, only to discover that this is far from a normal home invasion.”

This one’s also being called Safe Neighborhood. Neither title works, so might I suggest, Home Alone.

Serpent

SERPENT (2017)
“A husband and wife on a romantic escape out in the wild quickly turns deadly when they are trapped in a tent with a poisonous snake.”

Pfffft — she didn’t call it poisonous on their honeymoon.

Flay

FLAY (2017)
“An estranged daughter who, after the death of her mother, struggles to save her brother and those around her from a malevolent faceless spirit.”

Slenderman called and he wants his faceless face back.

Kudzu Zombies

KUDZU ZOMBIES (2017)
“Lonnie must lead a mismatched group of survivors to the local air strip to escape a deadly zombie horde after an experimental chemical enters the food chain, transforming the citizens of Charleston, MS into monsters.”

Spoiler: the “experimental chemical” was chipotle and it was used illegally on a hamburger instead of a taco. And the zombies aren’t monsters but rather p*ssed off fast food customers wanting their $1.99 (plus tax) refunded in full.

Supermarket Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 20, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Intruders

New horror movies are like going to the supermarket or “grocery store.”  Lots to choose from, not everything good for you, nice packaging/lousy ingredients, bottom shelf knock-offs… And still you can’t wait to get to the check-out line. And because you/me/I need a constant supply of horror movies, here are three new ones to fill your cart…

INTRUDERS (January 15, 2016)
Not a fan of home invasion flicks because that stuff happens way too often in real life, which is scarier than anything you’ll ever see in a horror movie. But this one looks promising: “After three criminals break into a supposedly empty house, they find themselves in a deadly game of cat and mouse with the occupant, a shy young woman with a few nasty tricks of her own to play on the invaders.”

Sounds like Home Alone (1990) with die/kill/bleed.

Voodoo Rising

VOODOO RISING (early 2016)
The press blurb for Voodoo Rising doesn’t do much to sell the story of a bunch of vacationing teens being the target of Backwood hick torture porn retribution: “A group of friends decide to spend their last summer together by taking a trip to Black Hills, a rural camping destination. Once there, they find themselves in the middle of a deadly quarrel with a local family.”

I liked it better when it was called The Hills Have Eyes (1977).

Anguish

ANGUISH (released in Canada July 2015)
Anguish centers around a teen chick possessed by evil. Possessed or born that way? We already know the answer. But here’s how it looks to possess your movie money: “A teenage girl is finally old enough to understand that the cause of her psychological problems is a supernatural ‘gift’ that’s allowing a spirit to force itself inside her. The girl must decide whether she wants to keep fighting or succumb.”

I vote succumb, because I’m a soul-half-full kind of guy.

Embarrassing Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Scream Queens, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on March 29, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Shut In Agoraphobia is defined as a type of anxiety disorder in which you fear and often avoid places or situations that might cause you to panic and make you feel trapped, helpless or embarrassed. For me, that wold be every place except a cocktail lounge. You could say I have reverse agoraphobia.

Agoraphobia is the hook for Shut In (2015), a new horror indie currently (as of today) in post-production. I don’t know what they do in post-production. They should use that time to come up with a better movie title.

So here what be happenin’ – “Anna suffers from agoraphobia so crippling that when a trio of criminals break into her house, she cannot bring herself to flee. But what the intruders don’t realize is that agoraphobia is not her only psychosis.”

Sounds like Home Alone (1990) with die/kill/bleed.