Fuzzy Leviathan, Werewolf Party Crasher, Chilly Creatures

Cthulhu, horror author H.P. Lovecraft’s quintessential fish face fish monster, first appeared in Weird Tales in 1928. Titled, “The Call of Cthulhu”, the short story was so terrifyingly awesome, the “Great Old One” has since become a pop culture staple for nearly 100 years. Besides Cthulhu books, posters, Athletiwear™, and bathtub toys, you can now get a Cthulhu Chia Pet, available on Amazon™ for $22.73. That’s cheaper than a haircut, which is ironic given that this thing grows “hair” like a weed. Additionally ironic — the hair IS a weed.

From the product description: “Joseph Enterprises™ Inc., the makers of the Chia Pet® and the Clapper®, is expanding its horror collection with a brand new addition to their horror holiday lineup. They say no human can gaze at Cthulhu without going mad. The only form suitable to avoid insanity is by planting and growing your very own Cthulhu Chia Pet!”

“The handmade pottery planter comes with a packet of Chia® seeds good for three plantings, convenient plastic drip tray and planting and care instructions. In just 1-2 weeks your Cthulhu Chia Pet will achieve maximum growth as it takes over your puny existence. Chia Planters can be washed and replanted indefinitely.”

While you skip the barbershop and sacrifice your cash in tribute to Cthulhu, here are a few upcoming horror movies that may or may not drive you mad while gazing at them… 

VIKING WOLF / November 18, 2022 (VOD)

“Seventeen-year-old Thale has just moved with her parents to a small town after her mother has a new job with the local police. After a student is killed brutally at a party Thale attends, she becomes a key witness. Was the killer an animal? A wolf?

Um, they give it away with the movie’s ad sheet. Like we couldn’t have figured it out on our own without any help from the police…or a poster.

A WOUNDED FAWN / December 1, 2022 (Shudder™)

“Meredith Tanning is a local museum curator who is dipping her toe back into the dating pool, only to be targeted by a charming serial killer. When a fateful romantic getaway between the two becomes a tense game of cat and mouse, both must confront the madness within him.”

No one should “dip” their toe in the dating pool. There’s is only one way to do it: CANNONBALL!

THE LEECH / December 6, 2022 (VOD)

“A devout priest welcomes a struggling couple into his house at Christmas time. What begins as a simple act of kindness quickly becomes the ultimate test of faith once the sanctity of his home is jeopardized.”

Uh, oh — sounds like someone didn’t use Glade™ after using the priest’s “porcelain pulpit.”

FREEZE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

On a rescue mission to the North Pole to retrieve an old friend and his lost expedition crew, Captain Mortimer gets more than he bargained for when his ship is frozen into the ice sheet and set upon by bloodthirsty fish-creatures. Mortimer and his surviving crew flee the ship, beginning a treacherous journey in a frozen desolate wilderness. Suffering from starvation, frostbite and slow madness, they find shelter inside a snowy mountain. Are they safe or have they entered the creatures’ lair?”

All Captain Mortimer has to do is wait for those walking fish sticks to thaw. Then shoot ‘em in the gills with a gun loaded with tartar sauce bullets.

Hellraising Kids, Corpse Condo, Krisp Kringle

You’ve already been to Hell and back (some of us more often than others), so why not show your little hellraisers how to do the same? Now you can with the Shape Shifting Hellraiser Puzzle Box — for kids! 

A sort of demonic Jack-in-the-Box™, Hellraiser’s infamous Lament Configuration is used to call on Cenobites to tear your soul (and flesh and pants) apart with extra-large fishing hooks so that you may experience the ultimate pain and pleasure. (As if last call didn’t cover both.) And it’s now available at Wal-Mart™ for a wallet-piercing $25.99.

From the marketing statement: “Marketed as a STEM (Science, Technology, Engineering, Math) building toy, the Hellraiser Puzzle Box can move and change shape like in the movie. It can be an educational toy to help children build self-esteem and confidence, develop spatial awareness, train memory skills, and exercise hand-eye coordination.”

Uh…wow. So cancel culture can unilaterally ban R-rated high school books, but a demonic puzzle box to summon extra-dimensional sadomasochism Goth leather demons from another realm is okay for kids? As f’d in the b-hole as this sounds, at least your child playing with the Lament Configuration is a safer than high school.

So while you’re contemplating the ramifications of your kid being able to summon flesh fetish demons, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cause you the ultimate pain and/or pleasure…

KRAMPUS: THE RETURN / Out now (Tubi™)

“When Lisa and her friends go looking for answers behind her brother’s mysterious death, they discover he was a victim of the infamous Christmas demon.”

Yet another “Anti-Claus” movie that does little to explore the real horror of Christmas. For instance, did you know Krampus uses candy canes as rectal thermometers on kids who’ve been bad all year? I didn’t just make that up.

THE OFFERING / Out now (VOD)

“In the wake of a young Jewish girl’s disappearance, the son of a Hasidic funeral director returns home with his pregnant wife in hopes of reconciling with his father. Little do they know that directly beneath them in the family morgue, an ancient evil lurks inside a mysterious corpse with sinister plans for the unborn child.”

I suppose if I were an ancient evil (then again, I may already be), I’d totally hide out in a mysterious corpse. Seems like it’d be cozy, if not a bit sticky and freshness-expired. Don’t think I’d have sinister plans outside of discharging a couple of well-timed formaldehyde farts during funerals. That would be super fun.

NO DEJES DE GRABAR 2 / Out now (VOD)

Jonathan, a businessman who lives in Paris, decides to go to Barcelona to investigate the crimes that happened eight years ago. Along the way, he meets a mysterious man who tells him that he, too, is looking for clues. Jonathan finds himself at a crossroads full of mysteries, paranormal events and terrible situations, but nothing will stop him until he finds out the truth of what is happening in that building, now abandoned.”

The movie’s Spanish title translates to Do Not Stop Recording. Can’t tell you how many heavy metal vomit parties I attended where, after assisting with the draining of sacrificial kegs, how those exact words keep coming back to haunt me.

SHADOWS / November 15, 2022 (VOD)

“Alma and Alex, two teenage sisters, are survivors of a catastrophic event. They live deep in the woods with their mother, a strict, overprotective woman who has sheltered them from ominous presences, the Shadows, which live in the daylight and infest the world beyond the river. When they follow mother out for hunting, Alma and Alex start a series of events which will make them discover the truth about the Shadows and their own reality.”

I’ll take the Shadows over a strict mom any day. The Shadows won’t make me clean my room, finish my vegetables and do my homework. Not that I ever did what I was told, mind you. In your face, responsible parenting.

’70s Horror, Spanish Exorcisms, Funeral Fun

Was perusing Flashbak’s™ comprehensive dissertation (sorry — word of the day calendar) on 15 Reasons The 1970s Were The Best Decade In Horror Cinema. Unlike this blog, the article, written by Yeoman Lowbrow (fake or not, great name), is extremely well researched, and presents a detailed argument to support the claim.

Key to the thesis is the poster art for such lurid gems as I Spit On Your Grave (1978), Love Exorcist (1975) and The Toolbox Murders (1978), to must see feel-good movies as The Sinful Dwarf (1973), Nude For Satan (1974), and Deranged: Confessions of a Necrophile (1974). It was the gloriously gruesome art that first drew me down horror movie’s dark path I’m currently still trying to find my way off of. (Okay, not really.)

Sub-topic examples go from The Grit (genuine grime), What’s a Taboo? (pre-political correctness), Promotional Gimmicks (barf bags), Euro-Horror (La Orgia Nocturna De Los Vampires/1972, La Noche De Los Diablos/1972), Occult-Gone-Wild (The Omen/1976, The Sentinel/1977, Alucarda/1978), as well as Slow-Burn Horror, A Sequel-Free World and Nudity Aplenty (horror and boobies go together like beer and nachos ).

While you abandon the cart that is Drinkin’ & Drive-in™ and bounce on over to Flashbak’s™ encyclopedic essay (click down on it), here are a few out now/upcoming horror movies that may or may not be as cool as spitting on graves and/or taking off your pants in the name of evil…  

LA EXORCISTA / Out now (VOD)

“Ofelia, a young nun recently arrived at the town of San Ramon, is forced to perform an exorcism on a pregnant woman. Just when it looks like the possession has ended, she discovers that the evil presence has not vanished.”

My mom couldn’t find an exorcist when she was knocked up with me. Dodged that bullet.

JACK FROST / Out now (VOD)

A family is terrorized by Jack Frost, a Christmas demon, and must learn their family’s dark secrets that link to why they are cursed. This Christmas, Jack will stop at nothing to exact his vengeance on those left in the bloodline.”

Christmas sure is lot more evil these days, what with all the evil Christmas trees, evil Santa Clauses, evil Mrs. Santa Clauses, evil elves, evil toys, evil reindeer… Miss the days when I was the most evil thing every Christmas.

CHRISTMAS CRAFT FAIR MASSACRE / December 13, 2022 (VOD)

“A holiday craft fair is ground zero for a coven of Satan worshipers who stalk and kidnap a group of locals in their attempt to create a ‘Satanic Nativity’ with occult spells and grisly slayings.”

Apparently Halloween is not enough for Satan worshippers. That community seems to be taking over all our cherished holidays. What’s next — Thanksgiving of the Damned? Malevolent Memorial Day? Villainous Valentine’s? Foul 4th of July? Those Satan loving asshats better not go anywhere near Groundhog’s Day…   

NUTCRACKER MASSACRE / December 2022 (VOD)

“Clara, a struggling, young romance novelist, receives an invitation from her beloved aunt to spend Christmas holidays with her. When she arrives at the secluded countryside cottage, sees that her aunt has a life-sized nutcracker doll by the Christmas tree. Something about the doll unnerves her. That night, at the stroke of midnight, the star on the Christmas tree glows, as do the eyes of the life-size nutcracker. It comes to life and kills a delivery man who has come to the house — and its reign of havoc has only just started…”

Outside of pro wrestling finishing moves, no guy was/is comfortable with the word “nutcracker.” Holiday nuts should be fondled, not cracked.

SCARE PACKAGE II: RAD CHAD’S REVENGE / December 2022 (Shudder™)

“When horror guru Rad Chad Buckley’s funeral turns into an elaborate series of hilarious death traps, the guests must band together and use the rules of horror to survive the bloody game.”

I thought a funeral was a death trap. This sounds like an escape room game. Unfortunately, there is no escape room for dying. Yet.

Canned Puke, Medicated Zombies, Vampire Socialite

It makes sense that upscale eateries like Burger King™ and McDonald’s™ annually come out with seasonal themed food-like substances. But Christmas Tinner™, an entire holiday meal in a can, easily takes the crown.

In what seems like something out of a horror movie, Christmas Tinner™ is a nine-layer meal that includes everything you need for a traditional Christmas dinner, including dessert. I think I just thew up in my own mouth.

If you have a strong stomach, the “meal” starts with scrambled egg and bacon (WTF?), then layers down to mince pie, turkey and potatoes, gravy, cranberry sauce, Brussel sprouts/broccoli with stuffing, roast carrots and parsnips. And if this wasn’t enough, they stuff Christmas pudding at the bottom. All of a sudden, gas station sushi doesn’t seem so bad after all.

Wonder if it looks the same way coming out as it does going in? While you chew on that, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not have you needing your stomach pumped after watching ‘em. (P.S. Christmas Tinner™ photos courtesy of Chris Godfrey)…

ELVES (December, 2018)
“The Holiday Reaper, a ruthless killer that terrorized a small Texas town, has been caught. While celebrating, a group of friends find an elf inside a magical toy box. When a freak accident kills one of them, they discover a group of elves have been scattered throughout town, each representing one of the seven deadly sins. It’s a race against time to survive the elves’ wrath before Christmas ends.”

A gang of homicidal elves trying to ruin Christmas? I bet Santa is rolling over in his Christmas Tinner™.

LEPRECHAUN RETURNS (2018/2019)
“The deadly, wisecracking Leprechaun is back in all his gory glory. When the sorority sisters of the Alpha Upsilon house decide to go green and use an old well as their water source, they unwittingly awaken a pint-sized, green-clad monster. The Leprechaun wants a pot of gold buried near the sorority house, but first, he must recover his powers with a killing spree — and only the girls of AU can stop him.”

You’d think they would’ve pulled life support on this one after the disastrous Leprechaun Origins (2014). That one was so bad, even non-Hollywood Leprechauns boycotted the movie.

ALTERED SKIN (February, 2019)
“During a routine hospital round, Insiya Zia, a Pakistani doctor, contracts a virus called the MN-2. A devastating pathogen, the virus causes uncontrollable outbursts of violent rage. With no cure in sight, the doctors have no choice but put Insiya in a state of induced coma. Meanwhile, the virus continues to spread through the country. The only relief is a drug called Cidhar, sold as an adhesive patch. However, it’s not a cure. All it does is calm the symptoms for a few hours. As Insiya’s condition continues to deteriorate, it appears her husband has accepted her impending death. But then the dead body of an investigative reporter turns.”

A Pakistani zombie movie that borrows (i.e., steals) from The Returned, a 2013 Spanish/Canadian film that goes a little like this: “When a rare and difficult to obtain medicine that requires daily doses to stave off the effects of a zombie infection runs low, a physician and her infected husband go on the run to avoid angry demonstrators.”

They go to all this trouble when beer is the cure-all to pretty much everything, except it turns you into a zombie as opposed to the other way around.

MORBID COLORS (2019)
“Two foster sisters hunt down a socialite whom they believe infected the elder sibling with vampirism.”

Being a vampire seems like a better option than having a Rent-A-Center™ parent.

Krampus: Sad Tidings

Hot on the hell heels of Krampus (2015) and A Christmas Horror Story (2015) comes Krampus: The Reckoning (releasing November 3, 2015). This is the third one in a row to feature the mythological menace. How did a German-speaking Alpine folklore anti-Santa go from being a near complete unknown, to rise to the top of the holiday horror hit list? He must have a good publicist.

Here’s what you’re getting for Christmas: “Zoe is a strange little girl, with a not so imaginary friend the Krampus who is the dark companion of kindly old St. Nicholas. The Krampus has been unleashed upon a small town and the legendary demon will seek out all the naughty people to punish them at Christmas time. No one is safe as the Krampus hunts them down, tortures them and then drags their helpless souls to the depths of hell.”

Seems like a nice enough fellow, though unlike the first two Krampus themed movies, Krampus: The Reckoning features a computer-modeled creature instead of a real Krampus. Talk about a lump of coal in your stocking. But hey, the holiday season can always use more demon creatures from beyond to put some much-needed balance to all that “glad tidings” crappage.

Putting a Krampus In Christmas

For every god there’s a devil. For every Batman there’s a Joker. For every plaid there’s a stripe. For every peanut butter, there’s a jelly. So it stands to reason that for every Santa there’s a Krampus, a sort of evil opposite Santa Claus. And because of that, the Krampus makes for great horror movie fodder.

Arriving just in time for Christmas (4th of July for Jesus), Krampus – releasing December 4, 2015 – looks to put a cramp on the biggest commercial holiday of the year. Here’s how jolly this one’s gonna get…

“A horror-comedy, Krampus tells the story of young Max, who turns his back on Christmas as his dysfunctional family comes together and comically clashes over the holidays. When they accidentally unleash the wrath of Krampus – an ancient entity from European folklore – all hell breaks loose and beloved holiday icons take on a monstrous life of their own. Now, the fractured family is forced to unite if they hope to survive.”

There was a Krampus on campus several years ago: Krampus: The Christmas Devil (2013). It went like this: “Jeremy, a local police officer, leads a life of a confusing past, spending his current time searching for his kidnapper as a child. After other children begin missing, Jeremy pieces together the truth and realizes that his childhood kidnapper could be a creature of ancient yuletide lore, Krampus, who is the brother of St. Nick, and punisher of children who perform acts of unspeakable evil without repercussion.”

I like the business model. And if these seasonal slashers get you in the mood, try Rare Exports (2010), featuring 100 naked Santa Claus’ running down  a snowy hill with their sleigh bells a’ringin’.

And hey, for your zombie Santa needs, there’s Sint (2010), who rides an evil horse on roof tops, slaughtering children and not leaving gifts. (Man, that’s just mean.) How the evil horse doesn’t slip on the icy roofs is a testimony to Sint’s power. I fear him.

A Real Party Killer

Been hearing about this nifty indie horror move, The Eve (2015), for some time now. In dog years probably three. But since I can’t remember what I had for breakfast three years ago, The Eve fell off my radar.

But like a cold sore, it popped back up and is ready for a movie/TV/iPad™/iPhone 6 Plus™ with 5.5-inch display (from $299) screen near your general direction.

Why you might care: “A group of friends heads off to the remote island of Martha’s Vineyard to celebrate New Year’s Eve and reconnect. As tensions rise, an unforeseen presence halts celebrations and instead turns their holiday into a fight to live through to the new year.”

At first glance it looks like a slasher dude has further isolated the group of four and has disabled their amenities. (I absolutely FREAK if I don’t have amenities.) Then they are systematically attacked by…

Not sure. Could be a garden variety slasher. Might be a ghost of one of their friends whom they “accidentally” killed while at another weekend getaway. Or, if my theory holds, a satanic evil demon spirit. Then again, probably not. Satanic evil demon spirits usually charge a lot of money for these types of gigs.

Oh, I know – it’s their suppressed guilt manifesting itself into people slaughtering fun times. Swish – nothin’ but net!