Archive for hillbillies

Bat Ticker, Lighthouse Ghosts, Horror Hillbillies

Posted in Bigfoot, Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 19, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Batman

If you hate super villains and hate being late, you can solve both problems by picking up a limited edition Batman-themed watch.

Designed by watchmaker Romain-Jerome, this must-have timepiece features a glowing Bat-Signal and a meticulous reproduction of a map of Gotham City cut into the rear sapphire glass. Powie! R-J also makes other Batman themed watches including the DNA, which is described as being “a denser, more Dark-Knight-style timepiece.”

Batman

There’s a few things you should know about this watch: It’s production is limited to 75 and costs $19,500. I’d buy it (with a post-dated check), but I’m used to wasting time, not keeping track of it.

While you’re thinking about hitting up Bruce Wayne for a down payment on the watch, here are a few just-released and upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not punch your clock…

Lighthouse Keeper

LIGHTHOUSE KEEPER (available now)
“Marooned on a remote peninsula and haunted by frightening specters, a young man must confront the grotesque denizens of the night, or heed the Lighthouse Keeper’s cryptic warning to, ‘Always keep a light burning!’”

This one’s based on the 1849 Edgar Allen Poe story, “The Light-House.” Didn’t know they had books back then. (I have a TV like normal people.) Lighthouse Keeper features ghosts and maybe a transparent clam or two, but no octopus creatures, which Poe sometimes favored (i.e., Cthulhu). The special effects are cheesy enough as to be the snacks you’d eat while watching it.

B.R.A.I.N.S.

B.R.A.I.N.S. (available now/MidnightPix.com)
“It is October 5, 1957 and with the Soviet launch of Sputnik-1, The Space Race has begun. Rogue Air Force General Frank Chapman is determined to establish a military base on the Moon before the Russians. Using Nazi mad science, headed by Dr. Werner Brandt, General Chapman has outfitted a modified German V-2 rocket with a nosecone capsule just large enough for a human head. The cephalic pilot will guide the rocket on a one-way lunar mission — beating the Commies to the Moon!”

A space head flying a rocket to the moon. There is nothing about this I do not like. B.R.A.I.N.S. is also said to include from some of the greatest cult genre movies ever, like 1962’s The Brain That Wouldn’t Die (another talking head movie) and The Last Man On Earth (1964). Could it be any more awesome?

Kyrsya: Tuftland

KYRSYÄ: TUFTLAND (2018)
“Balancing between a failed relationship, uninspiring studies and financial problems, headstrong student Irina finds herself stuck in the modern rat race. To overcome her problems she decides to accept an unusual summer job offer at the secluded and self sufficient village of Kyrsyä. As Irina begins to get a grip of herself in the middle of the endless Finnish forest, the supposedly harmless hillbillies begin to reveal their true nature.”

Hillbillies, even Finnish ones, are the furthest thing from harmless as you can get. These mountain hippies all look like ZZ Top, drink booze made out of homemade gasoline and have personal hygiene that would make Bigfoot’s eyes water. Warning: All hillbillies are accompanied by banjo music.

Down A Dark Hall

DOWN A DARK HALL (2017/2018)
“Kit Gordy, a new student at the exclusive Blackwood Boarding School, confronts the institution’s supernatural occurrences and dark powers of its headmistress.”

A boarding school with supernatural occurrences and a headmistress with dark powers? Man, that sounds familiar. Can’t quite put my finger on it, so I’ll ponder while watching a Harry Potter movie.

P.S. No movie poster yet, so I used the book cover from author Lois Duncan, whose best-selling book this movie is adapated from. You’re quite welcome, Lois.

Hillbillies vs. Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

Four movies in and ’ol Pumpkinhead’s legend of vengeance is like my underwear: darker and wearing a bit thin. Not that Pumpy isn’t cool, because he totally is. Rather, they’re running out of ways to tell the same story. This time they thought outside the patch, where the ongoing battle saga between the “still backwoods hicks” Hatfields and the McCoys is still raging via their descendants. First thought is, why do we keep letting these hillbillies breed? Second of all, with one billion square miles in which to move, why do they always live next door to each other? Geez.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

So a Hatfield chick is in love with a McCoy dude and they meet in private to feel each other up. A sort of Hee Haw re-imagining of Romeo & Juliet, their secret is discovered and in the process end up with a McCoy sister getting killed in the face. Legal disclaimer: It weren’t no Hatfield that done it — they was a’chasin’ her through the woods and she fell down a sharp incline and whacked her head somethin’ powerful agin’ that there yonder tree.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

As could be expected, the McCoys think the Hatfields did it. So the “Luv U 4ever” guy goes to Haggis, the town witch, to call upon Pumpkinhead for vengeance. (Her witch shack has been upgraded with extra rats and decorative stink bugs). Also returning as a “spiritual advisor” is Ed Harley (aka, Lance Henriksen), doomed to walk the earth, caught between here and there, a penalty curse for invoking the Pumpster. The drag is he can’t even see his own dead son, the one whom he brought down Hell in retribution for. That’s f’d up.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

Disregarding ALL the warnings, the McCoy kid calls on Pumpkinhead to kill the entire Hatfield clan (there’s like, 20 of ’em)‚ except his beloved skirt. So they can be together. Forever. (That boy needs to get a clue into the ways of barnyard booty.)

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

In an ironic twist of fate, the Hatfields and McCoys have to team up against Pumpsie. It doesn’t work, because like drinking beer, once it begins IT CAN’T BE STOPPED. If you’ve seen the previous three Pumpkinhead movies you’ll know how this one ends.

Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud

Better than Pumpkinhead II: Blood Wings (1993) and Pumpkinhead III: Ashes To Ashes (2006), Pumpkinhead 4: Blood Feud (2007) is more gory, with P-diddyhead stomping on faces (making ’em go goosh!), slashing open bellies to let loose the intestines within, gouging eyeballs, ripping off limbs and making that eerie noise that sounds like a rattlesnake with an electric toothbrush caught in it’s throat.

Somebody needs to quit making these sequels long enough to let Ed at least time to change his shirt. That thing has got to be stinking up the place good after 20 years.

Wal-Mart Bigfoot

Posted in Bigfoot, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on June 11, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Search For The Beast

In Search For The Beast (1997) – part of the Bigfoot Terror box set – there’s a mysterious creature running loose in Okaloosa, FL — and it looks uncannily like a guy in a Wal-Mart™ gorilla costume.

A local wealthy businessman lost his son to the mythological monster and funds an expedition to hunt that big-footed sucker down and shoot him for what he done. Dr. David Stone is leading the expedition, which includes a van full of fat ass rednecks packing semi-automatic rifles and a hot blonde.

Search For The Beast

Splitting up and searching for the beast (must be how they came up with the movie’s title), we get to see a young gal – who doesn’t look that different from Sasquatch himself – rinsing off her boobs in a waterfall. Then we get to see hippie hillbillies doing a Deliverance-style song. Then we get to see the “beast” pop in and out from behind trees, showing off his white chest and growling like an empty stomach.

Search For The BeastAt first nightfall the doctor, who looks more like a fat, bearded beer drinker, pitches a tent with the blonde. The next day everyone splits up and looks for the costume, uh, monster. A double-cross ensues and the wealthy businessman’s hired guns take over — and take the girl. The doc is smacked thusly upon the head and tied up and left for beast bait. That pisses off Wal-Marty, and he goes all aggro on the hunters.

Search For The Beast

The rest of the movie is everyone getting killed by, or running away from, the monster. But the most laughable scene comes when a redneck teen bends his girlfriend over a foldable camping chair and starts makin’ bacon. The beast comes out of the woods, pushes him away and starts drivin’ the train. The girl, of course, just rolls with it, like getting porked by Bigfoot was an every Saturday night occurrence. Maybe in Okaloosa, it is.

Search For Bigfoot

In summation, Search For The Beast isn’t just the worst Bigfoot movie ever made, but also an insult to gorilla costumes everywhere.