Archive for Hercules

Hercules vs. Jell-o

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , on June 23, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Something Beneath

Kevin Sorbo once played Hercules on a TV series where he got to punch people. Here, in Something Beneath (2007), he plays a wussy priest with obviously dyed hair and quotes ancient Indian scripture. Who needs to be punched now?

Something Beneath

He’s attending a lecture on environmental issues at a new resort built on land that has no birds, frogs, snakes or stink beetles. What the land does have is a gelatinous sentient creature living in the ground, causing people to hallucinate their worst fears. (For me it’d be watching this movie ever again.) Throw in a cast of asshats — a diva b*tchsnob, a biologist with asthma, a straight cop with a crooked past, and Sorbo as a bible-licker with a roving eye for the resort’s supermodel PR rep — and you have an achingly wrong excuse for a sci-fi movie.

Something BeneathBy the time they find the creature, it starts growing wiggly tentacles and is coming out of it’s dirt hole. The supermodel chick, hanging on for dear life over it’s mouth (or butt opening — like I can tell the difference) utters something in ancient Indian (which, as you recall, Sorbo happens to be fluent in), and causes the monster to retreat like me at a non-alcohol party.

Something Beneath

Seems this language was a prayer asking the monster for forgiveness and that everyone is sorry for making it mad. The worse part is that it worked! That would’ve been the time for Sorbo to Herc up and start kicking blob. But no, he’s a wuss now and has no time for gladiator pants or punching things. 

I feel as though my entire belief system has been mocked.

Mummies, Monsters, Muscles

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Nature Gone Wild, TV Vixens, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 23, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Hercules in the Haunted World

Of the 1,000 movies starring the strongest human this side of Popeye, Hercules in the Haunted World (1961) stands out because it has flying ghost mummies, a talking rock monster, damned women, and feats of physical strength unseen since I managed to get that really tight lid off a jar of peanut butter last week…with my bare hands!

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules and his stylish facial hair is back from dicking around on a bunch of adventures and wants to hook up with Princess Dianara. But she doesn’t recognize him as she’s in a trance. Or on drugs. Same diff. Her only hope is for Hercules to go to Hell and bring back the Living Stone to get her to snap out of it so they can get down to getting down.

Hercules in the Haunted World

Hercules flex battles an army of flying grease mummies, throws stone pillars around like they were made of Styrofoam and punches the smirk off Lyco, the main evil dude.

Hercules in the Haunted World

I ask you — how could anyone not like a movie with all these entertaining elements, as if seeing muscle men running around in alarmingly small togas wasn’t enough?

Thong vs. Wrong

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Fantasy, Foreign Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Witch's Curse

In The Witch’s Curse (1963), an Italian fantasy horror sword ’n sorcery thong fest, a freshly-married couple arrives in a Scottish village (where no one has an accent) and everyone believes the woman of them to be the reincarnation of a 500 year-old witch. So burn they must.

The Witch's Curse

But wait, isn’t that Hercul…uh, no, guess not. It’s Maciste, a man of strong man in a thong. He’ll tell us what to do. He half-ass rescues the couple and in order to get to the bottom of this witch B.S., he goes to a cursed tree, pushes it over, revealing a well-lit hole that leads to…HELL. What the heck – another adventure.

The Witch's Curse

Descending into the Earth’s alimentary canal, Maciste (what a metro name) battles a Sasquatch Wild Boar Man, who gets in a few slobber-knockers. Then he runs into another Hercul…uh, a strong man in a thong, whose chained up with a vulture eating/pecking his guts. That doesn’t stop him from carrying on a conversation with Maciste, though. Maciste also takes on a lion, a giant ogre, a cyclops and a herd of charging Texas Longhorns (!) before forcing the witch to lift her curse.

The Witch's Curse

Meanwhile, the married couple on the Earth’ surface are being burned at the stake. Can Maciste get there before this campfire banquet reaches its charcoal-y conclusion? Is there a way to possibly make it rain on the fire but not everyone else? Will Maciste ride off into the sunset on a horse that’s clearly not his? If you can’t figure out the answers to these burning questions, I hereby curse you for 500 years.