Just when I think I’ve covered all the new horror releases, like lip warts more just keep popping up. Unlike lip warts, though, more horror movies are welcome. And when you’re done with ’em, you just turn off the TV. Lip warts, or “pie-hole papillomavirus,” can only be vanquished with rinse-lather-repeat sippings of Bleomycin™-flavored martinis (stirred, if you’re an uneducated heathen with sores on your face).
So much for that metaphor. Until they make a lip wart horror movie, here’s some alternatives…
SIREN (December 2, 2016 VOD, Digital HD / December 6, 2016 DVD)
“Jonah, an apprehensive groom-to-be, sees his bachelor party turn into a nightmare when he frees a seemingly innocent victimized girl locked up in a supernatural sex club. Her ruthless handler/proprietor of the sex club will stop at nothing to re-capture his prize. Jonah struggles to rescue the girl only to discover it is he who needs to be rescued as he comes to the realization that she’s a dangerous fabled predator who has chosen him as her mate.”
Supernatural sex club. Is that like the downtown YMCA but with dealer’s choice happy endings? Which begs the question: If you’re a demon working in the sex trade, do you accept monetary tips instead of a customer’s inner chi? If so, then demons should have their tips taxable like all the rest of us public service clock-punchers.
FORGOTTEN SCARES (No release date at this time)
“Forgotten Scares: An In Depth Look at Flemish Horror Cinema goes back to the birth of Flemish horror in the ’70s and shines a bright light on the potential future of horror in Belgium. Through this documentary the viewer gets to discover long forgotten – and even unfinished – genre gems and learn in-depth info about underrated ‘splatter and gore’-fests, post-apocalyptic movies, slasher-films, Nazisploitation, women-in-prison and other fantastical Flemish genre benders through the eyes of the directors, producers, composers, principal actors and genre experts.”
I’ve never heard of Flemish horror. Sounds like what comes out of your nose during a nasty sinus infection. In reality (thanks to cut ‘n paste from know-it-all websites), Flemish refers to any of the varieties of the Dutch language spoken in Flanders, the northern part of Belgium. I totally did not know that.
One of the most infamous Belgian horror movies of all time and Flanders is Rabid Grannies (1988), which is pretty dang horrible. However, it does have highly graphic scenes of grandma gore. There’s probably a joke in there somewhere.
GEHENNA: WHERE DEATH LIVES (Release pending 2016/2017)
“Encompassing horror, suspense and a twist that will blow your mind, Gehenna fixes on five people who enter a hidden bunker from WWII, and realize it’s way more than a bunker. Some fates are MUCH worse than death.”
A history lesson: Gehenna, from the Hebrew Gehinnom, is the Jewish and Christian analogue of Hell. (I totally cut ’n pasted that from somewhere.) I bet the bunker is actually The Poggie Tavern. Once experienced, you’re Gehenna want to stay the heck away from there. Ha!
THE CRUCIFIXION (releasing 2017)
“When a priest is jailed for the murder of a nun on whom he was performing an exorcism, an investigative journalist strives to determine whether he in fact murdered a mentally ill person, or if he lost the battle with a demonic presence.”
A nun being exorcised? Yeesh – either she wasn’t fully committed to a rewarding life of wash ‘n wear robes and abstinence, or the demon possessing her must be, like, the House Majority Whip for Evil. Either way, f’d in the b-hole.
Exorcisms seem to be making a big comeback lately. This is good as my finger probe-inclined primary care medical rep recommends exorcising at least three to five times a week. That’s a HELL of a lot. Heh.
Drinkin' & Drive-in 