Hell in the Cell

Described as “John Carpenter’s Assault on Precinct 13 but with a supernatural twist,” Last Shift is a feel-good horror movie pitting a chick cop against a demonic ghost. I know what you’re thinking – is the chick cop gonna drop top? We’ll have to wait and see when Last Shift is finally released on DVD sometime during the day on October 6, 2015.

Here’s what they’re telling us/me/you: “Officer Jessica Loren has been assigned to wait for a Hazmat team to pick up bio-hazardous waste from the station’s armory. But unbeknown to Jessica, cult Leader John Michael Paymon has haunted the department ever since he and two of this followers committed suicide a year ago to date. And now, Jessica is about to find out how dangerous they can be when she’s left alone on this…last shift.”

This one was originally titled Paymon: The King of Hell. I like that a hell of a lot more than The Last Shift, which left me with a “gum didn’t come out of the machine” look on my face. Why someone actually thought Last Shift is a better title is supreme bafflement of the highest order.

There have been other horror movies with a similar theme. The one that burps to the surface of my mind is 2011’s Inkubus, starring Freddy Krueger (or “Robert Englund”) as the title character.

Here’s what that one is all about: “Inkubus tells the story of a skeleton crew working the final shift at a soon to be demolished police station. The night takes a gruesome turn when the demon Inkubus calmly walks into the station holding the severed head of a murdered girl. Inkubus toys with the crew, allowing himself to be restrained, and begins to proudly confess to his litany of crimes, some dating back to the Middle Ages.”

No doubt Inkubus is gonna get a ticket for murder. But to toy with cops? He’s looking at a life sentence.

Psychiatric Ghost

The Danvers State Mental Hospital has been abandoned for years, but it’s time for the spooky sucker to come down so that unhaunted market-price condos can be built.

Hazmat janitors Gordon and Phil head up a small team contracted to remove harmless asbestos, but they gotta do it in five days. I don’t know, guys – Danvers is the size of the Overlook Hotel and smells like a bus station bathroom. During the clean-up in the barely-lit building, Gordon starts hearing a voice saying hello to him. That’s nice, because ghosts aren’t known for their pleasantness.

Another guy finds some cassettes marked Session 1 through 9. Playing the tapes he hears interviews with a mental patient with multiple personality disorder. There are six “people” inside the patient, but the one the other personalities don’t wanna go there with is Simon. And a clue to Simon’s evilness is revealed (something involving a knife).

Later, a figure is encountered in the dark hallways and a worker disappears. It’s when the others split up (good idea) to look for him that make your butt hairs stand on end. (That’s kind of a pun, now that I think about it.) The workers hallucinate really gnarly st*ff, like Gordon going home on his lunch break and killing his wife and two-month old daughter. Did it really happen or was it imagined? Do NOT ask me.

As the men become increasingly stressed more fun stuff is introduced to the mix, including a lobotomy pick and a pile of coins just begging for a slot machine. When Gordon walks into a room and finds photos of his wife and child taped to the wall, sanity is about to hit the insanity fan. Good word choice given where everybody’s standing.

Not a lot in terms of special effects, but this one will gnaw on your mind. When the tape is played, Gordon hears… I won’t say, but it may or may not goon you out. It gooned me out. I’m easily gooned out-able. Despite my condition, Session 9 (2001) is top drawer ghost st*ff.