Archive for Hawaii

Fear Sphere

Posted in Misc. Horror, Science Fiction, Vampires, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , on September 1, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Orb

One dozen teens in Hawaii go camping to smoke pot, drink booze and rub ankles. As can be expected, this group is fraught with teen dramas, which leads to some punching and swearing and the rubbing of said ankles. What they didn’t know, a small meteor was headed their way and about to land in their campsite. 

This space rock, which looks like a basketball-sized raspberry, splits open and blue orb floats out and attacks the socially-bankrupt kids. Once inside your body, the orb turns you into an ill-tempered teen, making you go all coconuts and attacking your fellow pot smokers. 

Biting into neck flesh (they’re neither vampire or zombie, and yet a bit of both), the possessed starts throwing nice Hawaiian punches, until the orb hops into another body for more of the same. Hard to tell who’s possessed and who isn’t. 

Meanwhile, the military, having experienced the orb years before, tracked it to the island and are forming a welcoming committee with guns. So until they get there, we get to watch teens screaming, cussing, fighting and ankle-rubbing, all done on a hand-held camera. (Not too hard to guess what the filmmaker got for Christmas.) 

The special effects in The Orb (2005) are the kind you’d see in a video game — from 1985. And only one girl puts ’em on the glass; Filmed in the dark, you couldn’t tell if she had nice orbs or not. 

All the filmmaker’s friends and family probably gets a free copy of this painfully lame movie. For everyone else, that’d be over-priced.

(Note to reader: Sorry — no other movie photos. Man, I looked everywhere. Then it made sense to me; the filmmakers were so embarrassed by this flick, the decided to digitally erase this craptacular piece of “art.”)

A Moon For Every Meal

Posted in Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Seventh Moon

American Melissa finally talked Yul, her Chinese boyfriend, into marrying her. So hey, screw Hawaii and their stupid dolphins — let’s honeymoon in China during the Hungry Ghost Festival! Their timing couldn’t be better. Not only is it the Hungry Ghost Festival, but one that lands on the seventh lunar month. And there’s a full moon, which, as everyone knows, adds a little something extra to the party dip.

Seventh Moon

A tour guide takes Mel and Yul one million miles out into the rural countryside to visit Yul’s relatives. It’s late, it’s dark and they’re lost. Or so the guide says. He gets out of the car to “find help” and doesn’t come back! So much for his tip. After an hour the couple get out and go looking for him. What they find is a small village with all the doors and windows locked, chained and boarded up. (Why all the drama? All they had to do was hang “Do Not Disturb” signs on the door knobs.)

Seventh Moon

Then they happen across an offering party arrangement: candles, banners, festive lighting, chickens, dogs, supermarket-ready pigs — all dead or half eaten. Turns out the Hungry Ghost Festival is aptly named. When you’re free from Hell to roam the Earth during the seventh lunar moon, you’re gonna be pretty darn peck-ish.

Seventh Moon

Out of nowhere, white hairless/clothes-less ghouls with dark bloody mouths descend upon the hapless couple. Mel and Yul escape, only to end up at a spooky house covered in seasonal candles with chanting going on. The place is filled with people just standing there, not saying or doing anything. Yep, these people sure know how to party.

Seventh Moon

After drinking drugged tea, the couple are tied up in a bamboo cage outside where the ghouls show up for dinner where Yul is the main course. Melissa, though, is unharmed (she’s American and therefore not on the menu) and makes her way back to the house, only to find the guide that brought them here. He explains that every time the dead show up during the festival, they always take one of the living with them whether they want to go our not. That sucks.

Seventh Moon

The dead have taken Yul into a water-filled cave for his “final journey,” the ultimate last call. She goes to the cave, using only her cell phone as light, and encounters the ghouls, all standing silently, looking in one direction, which for once, isn’t at anything resembling food. She finds Yul chained up and he’s hairless, pasty-white with dark circles around his eyes and mouth. And yet she still wants to kiss him. Yuck is one of three things that just ran through my mind.

Seventh MoonSeventh Moon (2008) has requisite tension and cool ghouls, but the camera work is so shaky as to give you the festival spins. And almost everything is shot in pitch black darkness, so it’s hard to see much of the action. Most of the movie is a chase scene, but it does have its party moments. Just don’t blame me if the dead don’t eat you — maybe they only have a taste for Chinese.

Tropical Shark = Hawaiian Crunch

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Nature Gone Wild, Sharks with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Up From The Depths

“There are no sharks in the Hawaiian archipelago!,” screams a tropical hotel resort manager as his guests are being systematically eaten by a shark.

But it’s not just any shark — this tourist trapper is a prehistoric shark, theorized to be let loose by an underwater earthquake. So believes the sea biologist, who later provides Up From The Depths’ (1979) funniest moment. Besides all the other ones, that is.

Up From The Depths

Boaters, swimmers, divers and dumbasses are being attacked by said prehistoric predator, which isn’t much bigger than Jaws’ cousin’s neighbor’s BFF. One second you’re there, the next, nothing but red, foamy bubbles. After a broad daylight attack, everybody leaves the water and runs back and forth on the beach, screaming and knocking over stuff. Then night falls. And the tourists are still screaming and running back and forth, knocking down stuff.

Up From The Depths

A reward for the monster is offered: a case of island rum. And to sweeten the pot (as if it was needed), the hotel manager throws in $1,000 bucks and a stay in the presidential suite. Well, dang — somebody hand me a spear!

Up From The Depths

The shark makes blurry cameos and his meals are about as graphic as watching somebody sloppily eating tomato soup. The aforementioned hilarity includes three drunk guys on a boat prepping a blow torch to go after the shark. (Flames under water — why didn’t I think of that?) They end up turning their pleasure craft into a roaring campfire.

Up From The Depths

But the best LOL moment comes when the sea biologist barely makes it back aboard the boat after being attacked by the shark. In order to lure the beast out into the open, they tie a line around him, who just died from his injuries, and toss him into the drink. Then they tow his body back and forth in front of the hotel in front of the still screaming guests. What some people won’t do for rum.

Up From The Depths

Plastic explosives are found, words were said, shark goes boom, all without actually seeing barely more than a dorsal fin and an occasional toothy smile. (Hawaiian sharks, like the islanders, are so pleasant.)

If you’re looking for one of the worst Jaws (1978) knock-offs ever made, you just found it.

Big Apple Automaton

Posted in Classic Horror, Giant Monsters, Science Fiction, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 9, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Colossus of New York

The semi cult sci-fi classic The Colossus of New York (1958) borrows liberally from Frankenstein (1931) and the real-life horror story of the theft of Einstein’s brain in 1955.

Dr. Frankenstein (Victor, to those who tailgated with him) sewed together parts of corpses, goosed it alive by the stuff that comes out of lamp sockets, and brought the now-living product to market.

Al / Franken

Albert (or “Al”) Einstein, the Nobel prize-winning physicist who gave me/you/the world the theory of relativity E = mc2 (I use that all the time – so useful), had some nut bag pathologist (Thomas Harvey) steal his brain in hopes of scientifically chopping it up to discover any anomalies that could explain the smartest guy in the world’s scientific acumen. Harvey kept Al’s brain in a cider box stashed under a beer cooler. (There’s probably a joke in there somewhere.)

The Colossus of New York

Watch how I flawlessly tie this together with the movie. On the eve of a big party to accept the International Peace Prize (the menu featured those fancy cocktail wieners on platters), 34 year-old Jeremy Spensser gets flattened by a truck. Boom, boom – out go the lights. He left behind a young son and a rather fetching wife.

Jeremy’s Dad and brother – both scientists – feel Jeremy’s lying down on the job and decide to extract his brain and transplant it into probably one of the best dressed robots ever created in a downstairs lab. Told’ja I could tie it all together.

The Colossus of New York

Widow Spensser and her son move into her father and brother-in-law’s giant mansion, unaware her husband’s thinker is powering a 9-foot robot in the basement. Not only can Jeremy-Bot speak (with cool sparking electrical noises), he has ESP, can hypnotize you with the flashing bulbs he calls eyeballs, and can deep fry you with electric beams, which make you pretty much dead and looking for a spare robot to live in.

Things get messy when the robot discovers his brother has had swollen intentions on his former wife, even trying to get her to go to Hawaii with him. She should’ve gone; that’s a pretty impressive/all-inclusive first date.

The Colossus of New York

The p.o.’d robot swims (!) to an condemned part of the Manhattan shipping waterfront, confronts his bro, and zap-zaps him into deadness. There goes another unfulfilled vacation bathing suit.

The Colossus of New York

Wanting to kill the world, Colossus (title only) calls for the scientific community to meet at the U.N. and when they get there, proceeds to microwave every non-robot in sight. Almost all of the people just stand there, so it’s they’re fault for not trying to run away with their pants down while screaming.

The Colossus of New York

Bullets do nothing because hey – ROBOT! Fortunately, Spensser’s son – who is against all this zapping – gets through to robo-dad. In a moment of clarity, he has his kid pull the kill-switch lever located on the side of his former rib cage. Then everybody just walks away like that sort of thing happens in New York all the time. Maybe it does. How the heck should I know? I believe everything I see on the TV.

Pretty lame ending. Then again, so it was for Frankenstein’s monster and the Einster.

Religious Hammer vs. Religious Machete

Posted in Evil, Misc. Horror, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

June 9

Using the same hand-held camera filming technique as The Blair Witch Project (1999), June 9 (2008) finds a van full of spank-worthy teens filming themselves smoking pot, smashing mailboxes with baseball bats and trespassing on land loaded with marijuana plants, owned by religious zealots.

June 9

Of course they get captured, with each pulled out of the van by townsfolk wearing colorful shirts, which may or may not be Hawaiian in nature (but certainly style). The men are sporting sport hats.

June 9

The teens are smacked on the head with a hammer, which calms them down real quick. Then we see an edited scene of an arm being cut off by a machete. A little boy finds the still-running camera and keeps it rolling. He’s not a very good cameraman, as we can hear the bodies being chopped up and put in a wheelbarrow, but we don’t get to see it.

June 9 June 9 is mind-numbingly boring and incredibly slow to get to the point. By the time it does get there, you want the religious people to hurry up and dismember everyone so you can go back to watching quality TV.