Archive for Haunt

Fearsome Phones, Possessed by Aliens, Demonic Kitties

Posted in Aliens, Asian Horror, Asian Sci-Fi, Evil, Foreign Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 4, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Morgan's Mutations

There are one billion kinds of smartphone cases out there, but not one of ‘em is as cool as the handcrafted ones made by freakishly talented artist Morgan Loebel. A dental technician by trade, Loebel hand-sculpts and paints one-of-a-kind horror smartphone cases made out of polymer clay. I don’t know what that is. But I do want one of his cases. (Disclaimer — I don’t own a smartphone, but would still like one of his super awesome cases I can show off in bars to act like a big shot.)

Morgan's Mutations

Calling his creations Morgan’s Mutations (catchy), Loebel has an Etsy site as well as a Facebook and Instagram page so you can keep up with his latest designs (He also does lightswitch plates and lighters.) And hey, he takes requests! Of course you need this. Click HERE and HERE and HERE to go about getting one. (Phone not included, dang it.)

Morgan's Mutations

While you’re waiting in line to get a Morgan’s Mutations original, here are a few horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature polymer clay…

Before We Vanish

BEFORE WE VANISH (available now)
“Three aliens travel to Earth on a mission in preparation for a mass invasion. Having taken possession of human bodies, the visitors rob their hosts of the very essence of their being, leaving psychological and spiritual devastation in their wake.”

Switch out the word “alien” with alcohol and you get the same results.

Scorched Earth

SCORCHED EARTH (available now)
“The planet suffered an environmental collapse. The air became dangerous to breathe, the water became toxic, and billions of people died. Generations later mankind has finally re-established a rudimentary society, in which bounty hunters roam the land in search of wanted eco-criminals. Bounty hunter Attica Gage has a chance at the bounty of a lifetime: bringing down the ruthless outlaw, Thomas Jackson. Gage infiltrates Jackson’s gang, and everything is going to plan until she meets a slave girl that reminds her of her dead sister. With her loyalty to only herself now tested, Gage learns that there might be more to life than just survival.”

Eco-criminals? Do they litter instead of rob banks? Do they drop a hot deuce and not use Glade™ afterward? Do they use old car tires in the fireplace to heat the house?  If so, I may be on the bounty hunters’ hit list.

Hell's Kitty

HELL’S KITTY (March 13, 2018)
“Nick, a Hollywood screenwriter, discovers his cat has become murderously possessed, and will stop at nothing to rid him of any women in his life. As his life unravels out of control, Nick must find a way to have his kitty exorcised of the demonic spirit haunting her and creating a body count.”

Odd — usually the owners of cats are the ones possessed. Still, I’ve never seen a pet being exorcised, so might have to buy a few tall boys and a bag of catnip and settle in for this one.

Beyond The Woods

BEYOND THE WOODS (2018)
“Seven friends meet up in the Irish countryside for a secluded weekend getaway but unfortunately for them a fiery sinkhole has opened up in the mountains nearby. It’s burning hot, spewing out sulfur and casting a hellish stench over the local area. Determined to make the most of the weekend, the group decide not to let the noxious atmosphere get to them…but it’s getting worse. Soon the troubling hallucinations begin as an ancient evil starts to take hold. What malevolent force has crawled from the sinkhole and will any of them survive the weekend?”

Sinkhole or stinkhole? I’m thinkin’ those people stumbled across an overflowing outhouse.

Dancing With Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 26, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Wishing Stairs

If you don’t speak conversational Korean at fancy cocktail parties, you likely passed on Wishing Stairs (2003), the third installment South Korean horror series, Whispering Corridors. (Or as I like to conversationally blurt out cocktail parties, Yeogogoedam 3: Yeowoogyedan.)

Wishing Stairs

Now that you’re suitably impressed with my fancy dumbassery, in an all-female Korean dance school, the girl’s dormitory holds a dark secret: none of the chicks shave their legs. Okay, that’s not actually part of the plot…BUT IT SHOULD BE. (Note to girls who don’t shave their legs — please don’t kick my behind quarters; it’s just a joke, I hair swear.)

Wishing Stairs

The plot problem starts when two classmates compete for a spot in the Russian “So You Think You Can Dance” ballet. Just so happens there’s a nearby eerie staircase with 28 steps. If you count the steps as you go up, a 29th step will reveal itself in the form of a fox spirit and will grant you a wish. You can see where this is going.

Wishing Stairs

In a see-it-a-mile-away betrayal maneuver, So-hee gets pushed down the stairs and ends up crippled. Unable to cut the rug ever again, she soon commits suicide but gets wished back to life by…the Wishing Stairs.

Wishing Stairs

The spirit of So-hee returns to revenge haunt the guilty party by possessing Hye-ju, her only friend in her pre-dead life, for some “pay it forward” retribution. This takes the form of being stabbed by scissors (ouch), being burned alive (double ouch) and being crushed in the stomach area with a deathly death hug. (Love hurts.)

Wishing Stairs

As this is the third in a series of haunted Korean lesbian schoolgirl movies (Whispering Corridors/1998, Memento Mori/1999), it’s just as boring as the first two, which are equally as scareless and shockless and twice as predictable.

Wishing Stairs

Twenty-six, twenty-seven, twenty-eight…I wish this movie didn’t suck.

P.S. I don’t really go to fancy cocktail parties. Yes, I’m into host booze, but not dress codes that require me not to wear black T-shirts of obscure Swedish death metal bands.

Permanently Haunted House, Killer Clowns, Virgin Sacrifice

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Misc. Horror, Nature Gone Wild, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 30, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Channel Zero: No-End House

If you were a loose bladdered fan of SyFy’s Channel Zero: Candle Cove (October 2016), be prepared to change your soiled britches once again as the next season, Channel Zero: No-End House is headed your way this October of 2017.

First, the premise: “A young woman named Margot Sleator visits the No-End House, a bizarre house of horrors that consists of a series of increasingly disturbing rooms. When she returns home, Margot realizes that everything has changed.”

Already feeling the urge to do a load. But the news of a follow-up season to the addictively creepy potboiler, Channel Zero: Candle Cove was goon-you-out ominous and had a tooth monster. (Wonder what kind of toothpaste it used? Those were some magnificent molars.)

Here’s what went down in the first one: “Children’s TV is usually wholesome entertainment that can be enjoyed by the whole family, but child psychologist Mike Painter thinks there’s one show in particular — Candle Cove — that might not have been so innocent. No one seems to remember the 1980s show except for Mike, and he has ever-growing suspicions that it might have played a role in a series of nightmarish events from his childhood, including the disappearance of his twin brother in the summer of 1988. When he returns home to investigate what happened all those years ago, Mike finds out that it — whatever it was — may be happening again.”

Watch it again, and while you’re rinsing out your delicates afterward, here are a few upcoming horror movies that’ll likely have you re-filling the washing machine…

The Domicile

THE DOMICILE (August, 2017/VOD)
Russel Brody, a one-time successful playwright, works diligently on a follow-up play that could land him back in the spotlight he so craves. With a baby on the way, however, and a strained marriage, stress and frustration take center stage. When his wife accidentally stumbles down the stairs and dies from her injuries, Brody’s mental state goes from bad to one of utter despair. In a bid to help his friend regain his sanity, Brody’s co-writer David Stanley suggests he revisits Lucy, his former mistress. The ghost of Brody’s dead wife awakens to the sordid details of his unfaithfulness, enraging her supernatural spirit to haunt him in every horrifying way imaginable.”

Geez, being nagged from the dead. This guy can’t catch a break — unless it was the break in the spine of the wife he pushed down the stairs. Accident, my b*tt.

Union Furnace

UNION FURNACE (August 15, 2017)
“Small-town crook Cody was at the end of his rope when a mysterious stranger offered him the chance of his life. There was just one catch — in this game, he would have to wager everything, including his life. Cody finds himself trapped amongst a band of outsiders and misfits — all fighting for their lives and a slice of the American dream. Fueled by a horde of masked sadists, Cody, and the others will win a fortune or die a brutal death.”

Kinda sounds like a discount version of Vegas. This one was released a year ago, but everybody blinked at the exact same time (what are the odds?) and missed it. Here’s your chance to unblink and take a look at this horror oddity.

Circus Kane

CIRCUS KANE (September 8, 2017)
“The notorious and disgraced circus master, Balthazar Kane, invites an unsuspecting group of social media stars to the revival of his Circus Kane by promising $250,000 to any of them who can make it through the night. Kane’s true plan quickly proves to be far more sinister as the contestants realize more than money is on the line. The group must fight for their lives to escape Kane’s demented house of horrors.”

Exact same premise — minus the KISS makeup, as The House on Haunted Hill (1959/1999). In 1959, the cash offered was $10,000. In 1999 it was $1,000,000. So for some clown to offer a measly $250,000 in 2017 is an insult to my wallet. I shall return the favor and not rent this plagiaristic — and low ball offer — horror movie. P.S. $10,000 in 1959 folding pocket change would havethe equivalent of  $83,540.48 in today’s spending bling.

Double Date

DOUBLE DATE (2017/2018)
“Jim, aided by his obnoxious but charming best friend Alex, on his quest to lose his virginity before he turns 30. The night before the big day they meet Kitty and Lulu, two beautiful sisters who seem determined to seduce them, but who secretly have another darker agenda for Jim’s birthday — virgin sacrifice.”

What a way to come and go. Heh.

Vampire Sequels, Family Ghosts, Social Media Killers

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stake Land II

Got some vampires, ghosts, tweener ghosts and slashers headed your way. Not real vampires, ghosts, tweener ghosts and slashers, mind you. Just movie ones. But keep an eye open, just in case.

STAKE LAND II (February 7, 2017 / digital, February 14 / DVD)
“Set several years after the events in Stake Land (2010), in which mankind must struggle to survive in the wake of a vampire apocalypse. When his home in New Eden is destroyed by a revitalized Brotherhood and its new Vamp leader, Martin finds himself alone in the badlands of America with only the distant memory of his mentor, the legendary vampire hunter Mister, to guide him. Roaming the wilderness of a steadily decaying country, Martin searches for the one man who can help him exact revenge.”

Revenge. Where would horror movies be without it? One of the best summations of revenge comes from City of Bones (2007) author Cassandra Clare’s first book in The Mortal Instruments series: “I don’t want tea,” said Clary, with muffled force. “I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.”

“Unfortunately,” said Hodge, “we’re all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it’s either tea or nothing.”

Snap! I gotta use that line somewhere. Oh, wait — I just did.

SpectralSPECTRAL (December 9, 2016 / Netflix)
“When an otherworldly force wreaks havoc on a war-torn European city, an engineer teams up with an elite Special Ops unit to stop it.”

Now there’s a grand idea — get a bunch of Army guys to shoot guns at ghosts. Why not just whip out your AK-47 and unleash hell on Mr. Bubble™?

Wait Till Helen Comes

WAIT TILL HELEN COMES (out now / Lifetime, January 2017 / VOD)
“The story centers on a 12-year-old girl who’s the eldest of three children in a blended family that moves from Baltimore into a house converted from a church in the Maryland countryside. The tormented ghost of a little girl comes to haunt the 12-year-old, but forms an intimate, though dangerous, friendship with her seven-year-old stepsister.”

Warning: as this is airing on the Lifetime™ channel, it’s a family-friendly, watered down tale of the supernatural. Too bad; a little blood and guts never hurt anybody. Oh wait…

Slasher.com

SLASHER.COM (2017)
Slasher.com combines the time-honored tradition of young people facing unfathomable horrors in the wilderness with the every day horror of meeting people online, and puts a gruesome twist on the perils of modern dating.”

Slasher social media horror. Maybe they should rename it DeFacebook.com. Heh.

The Horror of Turkish Horror

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Witches with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Siccin 3

When one thinks of Turkey (the country, not the tasty Thanksgiving day featured attraction) – whose food staples include yogurt salads, fish in olive oil, and stuffed and wrapped vegetables – you don’t think of cutting edge and taboo-free horror movies. But you should.

Siccin

One of the biggest horror hits ever from that country with an annual precipitation averages about 15 inches is Siccin (pronounced “Sich-in”), released in 2014 (available for $31.82 on Amazon.com). To say it was acimasiz (“brutal” in Turkish), is an understatement. Here’s the arsa (plot)…

Siccin

“Öznur is a young and beautiful woman. She has had a platonic love since childhood to Kudret, who is her cousin. Kudret, however, is married to a woman named Nisa and is very happy. Jealous, Öznur uses terrible black magic to change this so that she and Kudret will be together. However, she is not prepared for the evil that this spell unleashes.”

Siccin 2

Again, an understatement. The evil stuff is unflinchingly graphic and double nasty. So it made sense they would follow it up with Siccin 2: Every Living Thing Will Taste Death in 2015:

Siccin

“Sweetly is in love with his cousin since childhood has become Might obsession. Might be married to Nisa’s mind is blocked for a while, he has been happily married since Kudret final decision. Succumbing to passion Sweetly looks larger land to achieve a solution on behalf of prohibited sake. Nisa demons haunting the spell. After five Isha prayers by Talisman Nisa and death will meet with his blood.”

Siccin

Okay, clunky description (thanks for nothing, Google Translate™). The cousin love theme notwithstanding, more crazy sick demons (ramped up from Siccin) and free-flowing kovalars (buckets) of human juice.

Sicchin

Again, a mega hit. But like Turkey’s bankable weather (summers are consistently hot and dry, with temperatures often above 86 °F), Siccin 3: Curmi Love, a second sequel, has been announced, releasing in Turkish theaters on September 2nd, 2016. (You can book a flight there on any of Turkey’s 98 airports, including 22 international airports.) And as hardcore horror goes, Siccin 3 raises the bar even higher. First, the plot (arsa):

Siccin

“After a terrible car accident, Sedat will do anything to save a childhood friend – even if it means dealing with demons and ghosts.”

Siccin

Doesn’t quite sell it. But when you watch the trailer and get a taste of the press pics, you will indeed bok your pants. (Hoping you figure out what “bok” means.) A flight/hotel to Turkey on Expedia.com™ goes for an affordable $992.00. Siccin – money well spent.

Hell in the Cell

Posted in Evil, Ghosts, Slashers with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on September 13, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Last Shift

Described as “John Carpenter’s Assault on Precinct 13 but with a supernatural twist,” Last Shift is a feel-good horror movie pitting a chick cop against a demonic ghost. I know what you’re thinking – is the chick cop gonna drop top? We’ll have to wait and see when Last Shift is finally released on DVD sometime during the day on October 6, 2015.

Last Shift

Here’s what they’re telling us/me/you: “Officer Jessica Loren has been assigned to wait for a Hazmat team to pick up bio-hazardous waste from the station’s armory. But unbeknown to Jessica, cult Leader John Michael Paymon has haunted the department ever since he and two of this followers committed suicide a year ago to date. And now, Jessica is about to find out how dangerous they can be when she’s left alone on this…last shift.”

Last Shift

This one was originally titled Paymon: The King of Hell. I like that a hell of a lot more than The Last Shift, which left me with a “gum didn’t come out of the machine” look on my face. Why someone actually thought Last Shift is a better title is supreme bafflement of the highest order.

Paymon: The King of Hell

There have been other horror movies with a similar theme. The one that burps to the surface of my mind is 2011’s Inkubus, starring Freddy Krueger (or “Robert Englund”) as the title character.

Inkubus

Here’s what that one is all about: “Inkubus tells the story of a skeleton crew working the final shift at a soon to be demolished police station. The night takes a gruesome turn when the demon Inkubus calmly walks into the station holding the severed head of a murdered girl. Inkubus toys with the crew, allowing himself to be restrained, and begins to proudly confess to his litany of crimes, some dating back to the Middle Ages.”

No doubt Inkubus is gonna get a ticket for murder. But to toy with cops? He’s looking at a life sentence.

House of Dull Ghosts

Posted in Asian Horror, Ghosts with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 15, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

House of the Invisibles

House of the Invisibles (2007) is a Chinese “horror” movie about the remaining residents in a haunted demolition-marked apartment building. Geez, all they had to do was raise the rent to get ‘em to move out. Why go to all the trouble of getting a cool but unnecessary wrecking ball?

A man murders his wife with a pillow and then hangs himself. Later, their ghosts are called into action when they’re disturbed by a cast of incredibly dull and pointless characters. You have a fat guy addicted to prostitutes, a loser who can’t stop gambling, a pot-head who can’t stop smoking and several ghosts downstairs (looking suspiciously like humans) who are trying to get a host body so they can get out of the building.

You only know House of the Invisibles is a ghost flick because they tell you. What spirits you do see are only on screen for a second, though one prostitute does show her rotted face (it wasn’t that messed up) for five seconds.

No scares, no nudity, no blood, no brain-eating, no swearing. How this is supposed to count as horror is beyond my realm. Duped again.