Archive for hamlet

More Gore, The Merrier

Posted in Classic Horror, Scream Queens, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on November 25, 2018 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Smash Cut

The lurid Smash Cut (2009) is a clever — and at times — dead-on homage to splatter filmmaker Herschell Gordon Lewis, the guy behind such cultural treasures as Blood Feast (1963), Two Thousand Maniacs! (1964), and The Gore-Gore Girls (1972). In fact, Smash Cut applies the framework of The Gore-Gore Girls, working in a sexy female journalist who teams up with a prissy nancy boy detective who has never failed at solving a case. Even the eye-gouging scene is back, though it sure looks like they just spliced footage from The Gore-Gore Girls into this one.

Smash Cut

Able Whitman is a 70 year-old horror movie auteur whose latest movie, Terror Toy, is mercilessly ripped to shreds by critics and fans alike. He seeks solace in the bikini of his stripper girlfriend (who looks like she could be his granddaughter), and later crashes his car, killing her in non-reversible death. He puts her body in his trunk and goes back to work, only to get an inspiration: use real blood and real body parts in his film!

Smash Cut

So Gigi Spot (really?) has a role in the movie, and all she has to do is lay there and rot. She doesn’t have any lines, though. Maybe in the sequel. April Carson, a TV news reporter, is in search of her missing sister (Gigi, duh) and enlists the help of Isaac Beaumonde, the aforementioned narcissistic private detective. He looks for clues and suspects Whitman, but can’t prove it. Yet.Smash Cut

April auditions for a scream queen job with Whitman and, in a moment of pure eewww, has her doing a scene from Hamlet with her sister’s head. (It was pretty rotted and not at all recognizable.) She gets the job and Whitman proceeds to round up more body parts and blood for his greatest cinematic achievement. As April and Issac close in, bladders start to splatter, reaching its rewarding nail gun climax.

Smash Cut

A grindhouse movie about a grindhouse movie, Smash Cut is often cornball, but entertaining in how they managed to emulate the look and feel of z-grade horror movies of the ’60s. Real-life adult film star Sasha Grey has all the emotional range of an inflatable love doll, but she does look good in a tight, blood-splattered nurse uniform.

Smash Cut

David Hess (playing Whitman) is in top form, maniacally cutting off limbs and poking eyes out with an exacto knife. You may remember him from such films as The Last House on the Left (1972) and Swamp Thing (1982). No nudity, but there is buckets of gore and a cameo by Herschell Gordon Lewis himself. Even though it sounds like an oxymoron, stick around for the blooper reel.

Return of the Evil Dead

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Foreign Horror, Ghosts, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on August 27, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Return of the Evil Dead

The second in four installments of the Spanish Blind Dead series, Return of the Evil Dead (aka, Return of the Blind Dead, Attack of the Blind Dead, El Ataque de los Muertos Sin Ojos/1973) begins with villagers way angry that the Templar Knights (yeah, those guys again) have been sacrificing the locals and drinking their Bloodweiser™.

Return of the Evil Dead

Rounded up to be burned alive, the head heretic vows revenge from the grave. (Wouldn’t you? I thought as much.) The villagers use their torches to burn out the knight’s eyes so they can’t find their way back to the village to revenge them in the future. Then they bury the bodies in cement crypts — in the local graveyard. Nice going, asshats; you’ve f’d your descendants in the b-hole.

Return of the Evil Dead

Five hundred years later it’s the Roasting of the Heathens Centennial BBQ & Box Social, with the whole hamlet turning out to drink, dance and rhythmic hand clap as symbolic Templar dummies are ceremoniously torched. But wasn’t this the very same day the Knights were prophesied to return from the dead for retribution purposes? Somebody forgot to check their iCalendar™.

Return of the Evil Dead

The celebration is a bust when the Knights show up to stab everyone in the eyes. Escape attempts are pitiful, which is suspect; The Knights move about as fast as Templar Slugs going uphill, and yet no one seems to outrun them. But wait, the church has a holy blow torch and a bottle of sacrament gasoline next to the storage room full of unused bibles. All praise makeshift weaponry.

Return of the Evil Dead

A few bare boobies, some blood, a sliced head and arm. If anyone had read the Templar Knight instructions, all they had to do was wait until the sun came up, then those shrouded bad boys would go happily back to their graves for another 500 years. But people would rather swing torches around than use common sense when dealing with the vengeful undead.

P.S. This use of the extended noun phrase “the evil dead” predated The Evil Dead (1981) by EIGHT WHOLE YEARS! And you didn’t think you were gonna learn anything new this day.