Sex Meat Addict

A sexy brunette (who looks like Julia Roberts’ little sister) is a meat inspector who doesn’t just examine shiny, store-bought hamburgers. This gal craves pant steak. She’s obsessed with a sex-addicted televangelist (played by Star Trek’s Chekov) and has sexy results with him. (One of the funnier moments comes when she’s knocking phasers with a guy who looks like Sulu while watching Chekov on TV.)

In-between mattress moshing and packing meat, the gal watches her favorite kung-fu show, The Girl With The Thunderbolt Kick. As destiny would have it, her brother — who runs a meat processing plant — has been selling tainted beef. This is not divulged to the sister, to whom he’s been giving the tube steak on a weekly basis. (He probably just forgot to mention it.)

So he infects her and her brain starts to do a buttsteak in a grinder. When she goes to the doctor, he speaks to her in Indian and she can totally understand him and responds…in English. He gives her a bunch of pills and then hits on her. Ick.

When she goes to church to confess her wrongness (“I had sexual intercourse 30 times…last week”), the priest tells her she’s committed mortal sins, but because her brain is broken, it comes out in a strange dialect, telling her to kill the Ten Tigers From Kwangtung (not real animals, metaphoric ones, i.e., everyone she’s been deeply romantic with in the past seven days). She does this with kung-fu moves, a flying guillotine (which makes for e-z decapitations), and some sort of sharp kitchen tools.

At this point if you’re lost as to the actual plot of Mad Cowgirl (2006), just let it happen; I couldn’t figure it out, either — and I totally eat steaks and watch kung-fu movies all the time.

Werewolves, Vampires, Demons, Rap

A new batch of upcoming grisly goodies for you to evaluate and possibly pay the filmmaker’s rent by viewing ’em through the looking glass that is your wallet…

NAILS (2017)
“Dana Milgrom, a track coach who, having survived a near-death car accident, finds herself completely paralyzed and trapped inside her own body. While recovering she becomes convinced that an evil presence exists inside her hospital room and is intent on killing her.”

Pffft – the evil presence is the impending medical bill your health insurance won’t cover.

TANK 432 (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“On the run and with nowhere to hide, a group of soldiers and their two prisoners take cover from a mysterious enemy inside an abandoned military war tank. While they try to keep the forces outside at bay, secrets are uncovered and little do they realize the real enemy is already among them, locked inside Tank 432.”

This one’s been out in the UK since August of 2015. Even so, the press release all but gives away the punchline by pointing out one of the prisoners is a werewolf. Okay, I don’t know for sure he’s a werewolf. But in cases like these, it’s best to just go with werewolf. Works in a lot more real life applications than you’d think.

RAW (march 10, 2017 / Limited)
“Everyone in Justine’s family is a vet – and a vegetarian. At 16, she’s a brilliant and promising student. When she starts at veterinary school, she enters a decadent, merciless and dangerously seductive world. During the first week of hazing rituals, desperate to fit in whatever the cost, she strays from her family principles when she eats raw meat for the first time. Justine will soon face the terrible and unexpected consequences of her actions when her true self begins to emerge.”

Sounds like a mash-up of Denmark’s When Animals Dream (2014) and Clive Barker’s Dread (2009). As part of its “face your fears” experiment, Dread features a gal who was sexually abused by her father, an employee at a meat packing plant. Not shockingly, she can’t even smell meat being cooked without gooning out.

As a test, she’s involuntarily forced to reconsider her culinary aversion after being locked in a room for days with no food except you know what. She tries to hold out, but as science tells us, room temperature beef has a tendency to go maggot-y and rancid-y when left out. Still, better than whatever Gas-n-Go™ calls a burger these days.

That said, I’m guessing the girl in Raw is either a werewolf or a cannibal or a line chef at Gas-n-Go™. Or a combination thereof.

EVOLUTION (November 25, 2016 / Limited)
“A young boy living in a mysterious, isolated seaside clinic uncovers the sinister purposes of his keepers.”

I liked this better when it was called Morgan (2016). P.S. He’s probably a werewolf.

BLOODRUNNERS (2017)
“By 1933 Prohibition has proven a booming enterprise, where average citizens break the law, hide in the shadows and operate at night. While shaking down the newest speakeasy in the local underground, corrupt cop Jack Malone and his men uncover a clan of vampires hell bent on taking over the town. Now Chesterfield (Ice-T), an ancient vampire, and his horde must hide their secret at any cost.”

Rap/movie/media superstar Ice-T is pretty dang cool. More so as a vampire. I still think rap music sucks AND blows, though. (Note to rap music fans: There is a cure for your affliction – IRON MAIDEN.)

Hitler, Hamburgers and UFOs

Stopping off at the Lil’ Ale’inn — a roadside diner way out in the Nevada desert that sells hamburgers, fries (ketchup’s free) and flying saucer memorabilia, Megan, a mood-swing prone skank and Dylan, her boyfriend who occasionally passes out (probably to escape her nagging), hear tales of government cover-ups regarding UFOs at the neighboring Area 51. (Note: the diner operator is right — there is such a thing as the “government.”)

Heading out into the night, Dylan turns on the radio and hears Hitler’s 1936 Olympic Games motivational speech. Not much fun to sing along to. Suddenly, the car ceases all operations. Dylan passes out while Megan goes screaming into the desert. Incredibly clever as there’s no one around for miles except…Hitler. He shows up — in full military dress — and says, “I know who you are.”

An army guy with his leg cut off says something phonetically similar. A little ghost girl with zombie eyes says exactly the same thing to Megan, who then screams like she’s passing a half-cooked diner burger. Dylan, whose been transported away by strange lights, returns with glowing eyes, talks her back into the now-functional car.

Something’s not right — Dylan is driving the car without using keys. They pull over and he says that nothing is real and that he knows who she is. Running out into the black desert yet again (at first if you don’t succeed), Megan happens across a small cabin with hundreds of UFO photos on the walls. A strange and sad man walks in. Must be his place. Getting outside, Megan is flanked by the diner dude and Dylan. (I think Hitler was off peeing behind some cactus.)

As limp as this is, you should’ve already figured out the “mystery.” What you can’t decipher is all the abstract clues and how it all pertains. (Hitler? Gimme a break – that exact same plot device was used 10 years earlier in Contact/1997). And in case you were hoping for UFOs in Dreamland (2007), there aren’t any. I feel as though my movie rental dollars were abducted.

P.S. Dreamland, is of course, a nod to UFO/conspiracy/paranormal/etc. late night radio host Art Bell and his Coast to Coast AM talk show Dreamland, a roadside diner forum for UFO/conspiracy/paranormal/etc. space case (and me) call-ins.