Archive for Hamburger Helper

The Dead Eating The Dead

Posted in Science Fiction, Scream Queens, Zombies with tags , , , , , on August 11, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Dead Creatures

Dead Creatures (2001) is a somewhat intriguing story of a group of transient chicks afflicted with a strange disease that makes them decompose over time while still being able to gossip and shop. The kicker is that to stay alive they can only digest human flesh (prepared with a little Hamburger Helper™, to make it palatable). I’m OK with that. I don’t know why.

Dead Creatures

A happy enough premise, but the hard gore has been edited out and how the ladies became rotten is never really explained. Furthering the confusion is a man who apparently hunts down homeless teens, ties them up in his basement, and wants answers. Then he shoots them through the back of the head with a nail gun. You hear it, but you don’t get to see it. Bummer.

Dead Creatures

There’s no build up, no tension, no empathy for the characters whose skin peels off like an old orange and/or mango, no great lines to quote at social functions and/or Tupperware™ parties. Another tragic case of DVD box art being better than the movie it showcases.

The Horror of Being Rich

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Slashers, TV Vixens with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 17, 2014 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

The Curse of the Living Corpse

The Curse of the Living Corpse is social commentary horror movie made in 1964 about spoiled aristocrats in 1893. Spoiled aristocrats is an oxymoron.

The Curse of the Living Corpse

After their disgustingly rich father dies, the surviving family members go after the inheritance like me at an all-you-can drink buffet. The millionaires’ sons and daughters are the ultimate Republicans: snobbish, greedy, manipulating and scheming.

The Curse of the Living Corpse

But even though he’s dead, dad has the last word. Each relative must perform a task lasting one year, after which they get their money. These tasks are simple and designed as safety measures in case dad needs to come back. (Being buried alive was his greatest fear.) Failing to do the tasks results in each of the ding-dongs being done in by their own worst fears: burning, drowning, having their aristocratic face scarred and disfigured, made to eat Hamburger Helper™…

The Curse of the Living Corpse

The playboy, needing cash to pay off his gambling debts, looks like Clark Gable, but not quite as handsome. Kinda like a used car salesman version of Clark Gable. He makes out with the hottie servant (“You would carelessly deny rank its privilege?”) and schemes to speed up the inheritance process. This results in the servant’s head being cut off and served on a dinner platter. Eeww!

Roy Scheider

Roy Scheider is a full-blown alcoholic playboy and taunts the family members with alcohol-fueled taunts. Soon, each starts dying in the fashion they fear most. (For me it’s being forced to drink Zima™.) The caped figure roaming the mansion and estate grounds suggests dad has come back from the grave and is supremely p*ssed. After 30 minutes you should be able to figure out who’s doing all the burning, cutting, drowning, stabbing. The trick is doing it without falling asleep (guilty as charged).

Candace Hilligoss

This was Roy’s first movie. He did others, but the only one that matters is Jaws (no, not Jaws II/1978 because that one sucked hard). Candace Hilligoss plays a terrified crying wallflower. You may remember her from the 1962 horror creeper, Carnival of Souls. You don’t? Then I just now lost all respect for you.