Hooker Horror, Goat Gore, Strange Children

The dark comedy cult horror hit, Frankenhooker came out in 1990. Sporting one of the best movie titles ever in the history of ever, you can now, for the first time in three decades, get officially-licensed Frankenhooker merch from one of the best horror swag sites, Fright-Rags.com. They’re featuring five different shirt designs and even Frankenhooker socks, because why not?

You say you haven’t seen Frankenhooker? Here’s the detailings: “Jeffrey Franken, a medical student, sets out to recreate his decapitated fiancée by building her a new body made of New York prostitutes.” Best. Plot. Ever. So how did his fiancée get decapitated? A lawnmower. How did he get the body parts from the NY prostitutes? Giving them super-crack to smoke, which made them explode. (One of the funniest scenes is when Zorro, their pimp, gets knocked out by a flying hooker head that just blew off.) They just don’t make ‘em like this anymore.

So while you rent the movie and click on over to Fright-Rags to get some cool Frankenhooker adornments (buy ’em), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not make you wanna get a lawnmower haircut…

GOATMAN / Out now (VOD)

“A news reporter and her crew investigating the legend of Goatman in a dense forest find themselves in danger, and getting a bigger story than any of them could imagine.”

Wonder if Goatman’s first name is Billy?

DARKEST OF LIES / Out now (VOD)

“Army vet Travis reluctantly follows his wife Rochelle to the West Coast after she lands a life-changing job. Living with the scars of war, and waning off an opioid addiction, he struggles to find a sense of belonging in the couple’s new home. However, his best efforts are thwarted by an onset of horrifying hallucinations and dark visions.”

Then Travis better not go to the Tug Tavern for Horrifying Hallucinations ’n Dark Visions Night: a keg of freshness-expired Steel Reserve™ is $1.00 a pint until the first person goes to the bathroom. Then it’s .50 cents.

SEIRE / June 16, 2023 (VOD)

“Woojin, who has just became the father of a newborn baby, hears that Seyoung, whom he had once dated, has died. He goes to her funeral without telling his wife, and comes across Yeyoung, Seoyung’s twin sister. Following this encounter, Woojin and his family experience a series of horrific misfortunes.”

The first horrific misfortune was being named “Woojin.”

VIOLETT / Pending release 2023 (VOD)

“A series of strange child disappearances have left the rural town of Miles in a state of disbelief. Shadows of grief reverberate through the streets and into a silenced home, where sick mother Sonya fears unspeakable evil will soon snatch her 11-year-old daughter Violett. Disconnected from her husband, Sonya’s paranoia forms the dregs of a once troubled childhood which threatens her sanity and the things she loves most. As bizarre visions and disturbing characters from the neighborhood emerge, Sonya is about to discover more than just one grisly truth.”

Strange children disappearing? Um, they need to change that sentence to “strange disappearances of children” so I can get back to my bizarre visions. 

Spider Burger, Heavy Metal Vampires, Rabbit Revenge

Burger King™, MacDonald’s™ golden arch nemesis, is upping the fast food game with the premier of the Spider-Verse™ Whopper, complete with a red bun and whatever they can stuff in-between ’em. And it’s upgradeable with a Spider-Verse™ Sundae, which is ice cream topped with black and red chocolate candies. That’s cool, I suppose, but they missed the marketing hoop by not offering web-like cotton candy. 

The Spider-Verse™ Whopper is available for digestion purposes from May 15 to June 21, 2023, which is ahead of the premiere of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse. But there’s more from BK’s™ press release: “Spider-Verse will also taking over select restaurants in New York City, France, United Arab Emirates, Brazil and other locations. The locations will have interactive designs that place guests and fans inside the action-packed Spider-Verse.” They had me at other locations.

So while we scope out a BK™ eatery to park our peter (heh), here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not need to be topped with black and red chocolate candies to make up for bland plot flavors…

SAINT DROGO / Out now (VOD)

A gay couple, whose relationship has grown a bit strained, take an impromptu trip to Provincetown, Cape Cod in the off-season. Caleb, one half of the couple, has been plagued by nightmares of his ex, who had been working in Provincetown for the summer. When they arrive to town, it appears Caleb’s ex has gone missing. As disturbing hallucinations continue to haunt Caleb, he becomes more determined in finding him. But the closer he gets, the sooner he nears the sinister secret the town is hiding.”

The sinister secret the town is hiding is that the Wellfleet oysters at Mac’s Fish House Provincetown are served without silverware. This means if you get raw oyster juice on your fingers and then rub your eye, your eye will swell up to the size of a hard boiled egg. Just pray it doesn’t explode and get pupil particles over your Old Navy™ Classic Fit Linen-Blend Polo shirt.

DEATH RIDER IN THE HOUSE OF VAMPIRES / Release pending, 2023 (VOD)

“The mysterious Death Rider – clad all in black – travels through the desert on horseback. His destination — Vampire Sanctuary. The entrance fee — one female virgin. Once inside he encounters Count Holliday, Vampire Lord of Sanctuary, who warns him against any transgressions. Blood and guns action follow as Death Rider tangles with some of the vampires of Sanctuary like the smoldering Carmilla Joe with her sidekick Mina Belle and vampire gunslingers Drac Cassidy, Bad Bathory, Kid Vlad and Duke VonWayne.”

This one, by Danzig/Samhain/Misfits horror frontman, Glenn Danzig, was release to select theaters (i.e., the neighbor’s living room) in 2021. Now it’s showing its teeth at the Cannes Film Festival. Speaking of teeth, no word on whether or not the 68-year-old rock “star”/senior citizen will be wearing dentures to the premier.

MAYA / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A teenage girl can’t remember her childhood. With the help of her adopted sister, Kalika, Maya seeks to recover her lost memories, unaware of the horrors that this journey will bring. Both leads do an admirable job of portraying the fear around losing — or watching someone — lose their grip on reality.”

This one’s being described as A Tale of Two Sisters and The Changeling. Guess which one of those I watched?

THUMPER’S REVENGE / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“Screams echo in the meadow and blood will spill when hunters take aim at Bambi from the hill. They can run and they can plead, but Thumper is about to make them bleed.”

That bottom of the barrel I keep talking about? Apparently there isn’t one.

Colorized UFOs, Dreaded Library, Supernatural Girl Power

While doing more intense research (drinking heavily) into the mushrooming applications of AI in art, literature and music, a thought occurred — could AI colorize black and white photos from the early days of UFOs? Short answer = yep. And since artificial intelligence is smarter than me, I ran a few classic UFO photos through the AI Matrix and it spit out these examples.

The UFO image at the top of this blog-o-sphere is from McMinnville, Oregon taken by farming couple Paul and Evelyn Trent in 1950. And since everything in the ’50s was black and white (color wasn’t invented until the psychedelic ‘60s — just ask a day-glo hippie), AI did a decent job of interpreting what it would’ve looked like.

While I dig through more of the colorless UFO archives to test artificial’s intelligence, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies/documentaries that may or may not appeal to day-glo hippies…

LEGEND OF GATOTKACA / February 17, 2023 (Hi-Ya!™), March 21, 2023 (VOD/DVD)

“After witnessing the shocking murder of his best friend by a masked assassin with terrifying superpowers, Yuda stumbles upon a secret prophecy long concealed by powerful people. After unlocking dormant abilities of his own, Yuda discovers that he — an ordinary college kid with no belief in the old legends — may very well be the key to winning the upcoming battle against an ancient evil.”

I went to Google Translate™ and typed in “Gatotkaca”, this Indonesian movie’s title. It translated it to “Gatotkaca.” Now it makes way more sense.

CRAM / March 17, 2023 (VOD)

“We all do what we gotta do to pass — except Marc. Desperate to finish his final paper, he struggles to cram all night in the library. After dozing off, Marc awakens to discover that his paper has vanished. Looking for answers and a way out of this nightmare, Marc is drawn deeper into the mysterious and enchanting stacks. Alone in the library (or so he thinks), Marc is easily frightened and considers giving up. But the library has other plans for him.”

Libraries are for people who don’t have TVs.

DEAD HOT: SEASON OF THE WITCH / April 14, 2023 (Tubi™)

“The documentary film is described as The Craft meets The Simple Life, an intimate journey into the supernatural realm as well as a “coming-of-age story that explores identity, feminine power and sisterhood.”

I’m not sure this film is meant for guys. In fact, I’d bet my tampons on it.

PARALYSIS / release pending 2023 (VOD)

“After family trauma, Haley Stone has isolated herself from everyone except her brother Nicky. But with her complicated grief and emotional well-being deteriorating, Haley experiences hallucinations, vivid nightmares and debilitating episodes of sleep paralysis. These episodes become ever more pressing when Haley notices bruises on her body. She suspects the entity that visits her in the night is not just a figment of her imagination. With the assistance of a paranormal investigator, Haley must access the truth buried between realities and free herself from this living nightmare.”

Hallucinations, vivid nightmares, debilitating episodes of sleep paralysis, bruises. This is everything you experience waiting for the Tug Tavern to open.

Star Warfare, Multiverse Monsters, Funeral Fun

If you’re partial to UFOs, Frankenstein, Samurai and vaudeville phantoms, then you need to visit ThirteenthFloor.us and immerse yourselfie in the fantastical art of Billy Ludwig, an ingenious artist dealing in mixed media, which is the artistic version of mixed martial arts. Kinda. 

Ludwig’s take on flying saucers and pop culture icons is kitschy fun. But where his talent goes next level is by juxtaposing vintage images of WWII and Star Wars: At-At Walkers, X-Wings and TIE Fighters engaging with Spitfires, battleships, bazookas, ground troops and more. As if that wasn’t cool enough, these art pieces are in black and white (one, even, being vintage colorized), lending a tangible sense of realism to make you believe this is how the war REALLY went down. Did for me, anyway.

The art is printed on high quality 12 pt. gloss card stock and sell for an average of $15. You couldn’t buy a glass of refreshing Yatooni Boska at the Mos Eisley Cantina on Tatooine with twice those New Republic credits. There’s also books and shirts emblazoned with Ludwig’s innovative designs.

So whether you wave your flag for the US Armed Forces and the Rebel Alliance or side with the Republican-led Empire, here are a few out now/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be as tasty as a cup of the Cantina’s house special: Blue Milk, which, of course, comes from female banthas. Try not to think about it…

WAKING KARMA / Out now (VOD)

“When high school senior Karma’s estranged cult leader father traps her and her mother in a remote forest compound, she must survive a series of psychological trials meant to prepare her for a strange and deadly reincarnation ritual.”

And if she gets older, Karma will look back on her high school days as the best time of her life.

2025 ARMAGEDDON / December 23, 2022 (VOD)

“A militant alien race launches an attack on Earth using gigantic creatures and geological disasters all based on those found on The Asylum’s Movie Channel signal, which reached their planet.”

Finally — the film studio known for bold-face plagiarism of successful genre movies, have finally gone all in — they’re ripping off themselves. 

SCREAMS FROM THE SWAMP / December 27, 2022 (VOD)

“When Angela’s husband and son die in hospital after a car crash, she takes it upon herself to seek justice against the doctor who operated on the pair. Desperation and obsession lead Angela into a paranoid state, dissociating her from reality. She follows the doctor day after day: behind the anonymous facade, the man hides a parallel life of depravity and murders committed together with his colleagues. Discovering these new horrors, Angela turns to dark otherworldly forces to find the strength to eliminate the killers. This decision leads her into a spiral of violence and hallucinations, where pleasure and fear intermingle but ultimately there is a high price to pay.”

Desperation, paranoia, disassociation with reality, hallucinations… You just met a Tug Tavern regular.

PLAY DEAD / Release pending 2023 (Theaters/VOD)

“Criminology student Chloe fakes her own death to break into a morgue in order to retrieve a piece of evidence that ties her younger brother to a crime gone wrong. Once inside she quickly learns that the fearsome coroner uses the morgue as a front for a sick and twisted business. As a frightening game of cat and mouse ensues, Isabel discovers that the scariest thing about the morgue is not the dead, but the living.”

And just what sick and twisted business would the coroner use the morgue for? A cannibal pop-up? Embalming stand? Necrophiliac kissing booth? Regardless of these guaranteed money-making ideas, you gotta appreciate his entrepreneurial spirit. 

Hell Juice, Drug-Addict Ghosts, Visually-Impaired Zombies

Need something to put your cocktail in that doesn’t make you look like members-only country club snob? Try the new Hellboy Geeki Tikis Mug, available at FYE in mid-March, 2019. And at a non-hellish $19.99, you can afford to class up your glass.

The mug is ceramic, 7.5” tall, and holds an impressive 25 ounces of hell juice. And because it’s important, the mug is dishwasher and microwaveable sage. Whew!

The new Hellboy remake opens on April 12, 2019. The new ad art looks cool. The Hellboy Geeki Tikis Mug looks cool. Drinking from the mug while at the movie would be cool. So while we wait for both to get here, fill your glass with these now available/upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not be dishwasher/country club safe…

DRY BLOOD (available now)
“In a rural mountain town, an unstable drug addict must unravel a surreal murder mystery as he’s terrorized by malevolent ghosts, a deranged sheriff, and the frightening hallucinations from his withdrawal.”

P.S. Don’t do drugs.

SPIRITS IN THE DARK (2019)
“A lonely widower finds a mysterious video on his computer that leads him to an abandoned town occupied by an ominous entity.”

If you’re a lonely widower, an abandoned town is not a good place to meet new and exciting entities. Might I suggest 7-Eleven™ right around 2AM.

DEADSIGHT (2019)
“A partially blind man and a pregnant policewoman who are thrown together in a fight for survival during a deadly virus outbreak.”

Deadly virus outbreak = zombies. Not partially blind or pregnant zombies, either. These zombies are 100% healthy with healthy appetites. Bon appétit.

ECHOES OF FEAR (2019)
“After inheriting her grandfather’s house, Alysa must confront the mystery of his sudden death and the evil that hides inside.”

Man, these types of horror movie press releases have become as cookie-cutter as the movies themselves. Wonder if the evil this time is salmonella-tainted jars of preserves in the fruit cellar? That also might explain grandpa’s sudden death. Kick out those jams, Mother Smucker.

Storybook Creature

Maybe it’s the time of the year or just the cycle of horror movies, but there sure seems to be a lot of “ghost” and/or “entity in yer face” movies these days. Not that I’m complaining, which I’m prone to do; I’ll take a ghost movie over an overdone zombie film since I’ve about had my fill of the undead. DISCLAIMER: The above statement DOES NOT include The Walking Dead, which has become a raging addiction for me, no matter how much smack George Romero talks about it.

So the next one coming down the polter-pole is The Babadook (Australia/2014), a mythical kid’s book whatchahoozit. While the name doesn’t particularly invoke a sense of dread and sounds like an internet start-up, color me a seasonal shade of intrigued.

Here’s the paper-thin albeit serviceable plot…

“Six years after the violent death of her husband, Amelia is at a loss. She struggles to discipline her out of control six year-old, Samuel, a son she finds impossible to love.”

“Samuel’s dreams are plagued by a sinister monster he believes is coming to kill them both. When a disturbing storybook called The Babadook turns up at their house, Samuel is convinced that the Babadook is the creature he’s been dreaming about.”

“His hallucinations spiral out of control and as he becomes more unpredictable and violent, Amelia is genuinely frightened by her son’s behavior. But when she begins to see glimpses of an evil presence all around her, it slowly dawns on her that the thing Samuel has been warning her about may be real.”

Couple ’o things: The kid needs to be put in time-out – for about a month. Secondly, maybe mom should hook up with Babadook; let’s see what behavior problems arise when your step-dad’s a supernatural creature from beyond that has zero tolerance for humans to begin with.