House of Bats, Weaponized Demons, Burlesque Vampires

The Flash has S.T.A.R. Labs. Superman has the Fortress of Solitude. Aquaman has an adult-sized clam shell with a seaweed lawn. But none of them can match the majesty of the caped crusader’s condo, the Batcave. Batman’s famous headquarters is where he has anti-crime computers, TVs, probably a fridge and even a private “bat room” when he needs to pinch some guano. And now you can own a Lego™ replica of the Batcave for a crime-busting $399.99. Called the Batcave™ – Shadow Box, this monolithic set comes with a Batmobile™ and even Alfred the Butler™.

From Lego’s™ website: “Adult enthusiasts can recreate the iconic Batcave™ from 1992’s Batman Returns movie with the LEGO® DC Batman™ Batcave – Shadow Box. This 3,981-piece tableau incorporates movable items, mini figures and a feature-rich Batmobile™ to produce a detailed and dynamic display piece that will captivate all who see it.” 

“Measuring over 20” wide, this Batcave tableau contains an assortment of authentic details, including movable items that can be controlled from the rear. Users can turn the chair, change the computer screen and open and close the tool store and illuminated Batsuit™ vault. For extra realism, a Batmobile with a variety of hands-on features is included along with 7 mini figures: Max Shreck, The Penguin™, Catwoman™, 2 versions of Batman, Alfred Pennyworth™ and Bruce Wayne™. For added convenience, a digital version of the set’s building instructions can be found on the LEGO Builder app.” Note to law-abiding citizens living in Gotham or not, the Batcave™ – Shadow Box officially goes on sale June 8, 2023. However, if you sign up to be a Lego™ VIP member, you can get early sale access on June 5, 2023. 

So while we all rush over to Lego.com and sign up (click this), here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not feature a plastic butler…

GHOST / July 9, 2023 (POV Horror™, Wicked Horror TV™)

“A deadly religious cult begins weaponizing demonic entities — and it’s up to a band of church-funded mercenaries to take them down before they unleash Hell on Earth. When word of a Fallen Angel reaches the team, the stakes are raised and the fate of humanity rests on the shoulders of one man: Ghost.”

Deadly religious cults don’t practice safe sect.

BLOODY BRIDGET / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A Haitian voodoo deity transforms a burlesque dancer into a “Valentine vampire.” Blood only whets her appetite – she must eat her victims’ beating hearts!”

The problem with burlesque vampires is you still have to tip ’em.

THE DEVIL COMES AT NIGHT / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

Ben, a washed-up boxer searching for his inheritance, must fight for his life when he is trapped in his deceased father’s farmhouse by a cannibal cult. With the help of Amy, the local librarian, he discovers the cult’s leader, Mason, has been hunting down his family for generations. And now his sights are set on Ben. Together, Ben and Amy come up with a plan to defeat the cult once and for all.

Cannibals form cults because they’re fed up with people. Heh.

THE BOOGEYMAN: THE ORIGIN OF THE MYTH / Release pending 2023 (VOD)

“A group of teenagers discover that the terrifying legend of The Boogeyman is real after the mysterious disappearances of several children in a small town.”

This one’s also known as El Hombre Del Saco. Wish I could have a cool name like Del Saco.

White Privilege Zombie

Madeleine and Neil are in love and want to get married at a Haitian plantation. Sounds romantic. And hey, Monsieur Beaumont owns a Haitian plantation; why not go to Haiti and get hitched in the middle of the night while zombies roam and voodoo drum solos echo across the countryside?

But that sly ’ol dog Beaumont has a hidden agenda. His flimsy plan is to get Madeline there and somehow try to convince her to dump Neil and let him feel her up, through sickness and in health. He explains this while walking her down the aisle. Nice timing, dude.

But Beaumont didn’t get that nice suit by taking the long way around success. He contacts his neighbor Legendre, an evil man whose very glare will make you poop in your pants. And he knows how to turn you into a zombie (which accounts for all those minimum wage workers in his castle and mill). He wants Legendre to use his black mojo to make Madeline hook up with him. Legendre gives the emotionally f’d up Beaumont some zombie dust.

One minute after being pronounced Mrs. Neil Something, she smells her wedding bouquet and, wham, deader than a door nail. Neil freaks. Beaumont takes the body away and sure enough, it comes back to life. But not life as he thought. Madeline is as emotionless as a married couple, and hardly even blinks. Beaumont goes back to Legendre and wants a refund. Slight problem — once a zombie, always a zombie. 

Meanwhile, Neil and a priest friend try and find his corpse bride. Well, heck — she’s wandering around Legendre’s beach front castle (complete with zombie maids and stunning ocean views from every room except the dungeon). Neil finds Madeline, but she gives him the cold shoulder. (Neil didn’t know she was a zombie. Heck, he thought she was dead.) 

A small scuffle ensues with Legendre ultimately being thrown off one of his many scenic balconies onto the beach rocks below. It’s only after Legendre dies that the zombie spell is broken. Neil’s future is now full of smooches and feeling ups.

White Zombie (1932) has an interesting premise and is full of Bela Lugosi eyebrow close-ups, which look like sweater sleeves taped to his forehead. But shabby pacing, no real scares, and several glasses of spilled wine slow this thing down to a zombie crawl. (I don’t drink wine, but I hate to see ANY alcohol go to waste.)

Seafood Slaughter

Thank movie goodness the nearby nuclear power plant leaked 46,000 gallons of radioactive water into the sea. If it weren’t for that, we never would’ve had a plausible explanation for that house-sized sea crab going all King Kong on an unnamed island that has citizens, a nuclear power plant, dirt toads, a bar (state capital), drunk fishermen (see “bar”), and a biological lab experimenting on crabs to get them to grow bigger to help solve the world’s food shortage. (But what if you’re allergic to seafood? Best to fall back on fish-shaped candy bars.)

While things are going along swimmingly at the Crab Lab, hundreds of shelled pinchers are walking sideways out of the sea and into the surrounding jungle. Most are the size of Red Lobster’s™ Crispy Lobster and Waffles platter. (Only 1080 calories, in case you’re wondering.)

The crabs make daring day-time attack overtures, one on a bicycling, pretty young reporter researching a human interest story on the lab and their work. She ends up in the arms of the sun-bleached lab assistant, who wears shorts to work, but long pants to the seaside. Stylish, and yet oddly unpretentious.

The town bar’s banjo/piano player, who lives in a modified school bus, gets a bad case of the crabs, and, while using his banjo to beat on the hundreds of ‘em crawling into his humble abode, ends up setting his place on fire. An unseen giant something (probably a radioactive clam) turns over the bus. Burnt, pinched and smooshed. I hear there’s a job opening at The Half Shell drinketeria.

While this is going on, a boatload of Haitian refugees make shore and head for the woods — yet another place you can catch crabs. More crustacean attacks on people and property. Thinking it’s the Haitians committing that crimes, the whole town gets their angry-villager on to hunt and shoot them with bullet-powered guns.

The climax of the cheesy Island Claws (1980) takes place when the giant crab — roaring like a reverse sea lion — smashes houses (but thankfully only the window of the bar) and starts nut-crackering people in half. Moody, the bar’s owner, and the short shorts wearing lab dude crawl on top of the beast, and make stabbing happen. Didn’t catch the alpha crab’s name, so you’ll just have to call him “Alphy.”

So how come only one crab grew to the size of a Red Lobster restaurant and not all those hundreds of others that would look better on a menu than in your house? I’ll let you know after I boil a crab in radioactive water and submerse it in a spent fuel pool of nuclear-melted butter. I’m thinkin’ answers and yum.