Swapping DNA In The Shower

In Species IV: The Awakening (2007), Miranda is a supermodel quality college teacher whose alien DNA is getting restless. This means the human part of her will die and the pointy-haired alien part will come out and transform her into an H.R. Giger painting.

Her “uncle,” a scientist, is to blame. Miranda was a lab EZ-Bake Oven™ that he used to marinade her human goo with a concoction of extraterrestrial DNA strands. It worked. But she doesn’t know it yet.

A trip to the hospital to find out why she’s been blacking out results in the death of the entire staff via a long, stabby tongue that shoots out of her mouth. Time for that trip to Mexico, for three reasons. One, to escape the law. Two, to meet up with his old science partner to see if he can help stop the transformation. And three, good exchange rate on the dollar.

Forbes McGuire, no longer a practicing U.S. lab guy, has been plying his new trade: clones of dead pets and relatives. He mixes just enough alien DNA with the DNA of whatever he wants to clone, and bingo, insta-copies! He even made himself an overnight slumber party pal with Azura, a mega-hot alien gal.

Miranda, though, is dying and while a DNA stem cell swap with a Mexican hooker appeared promising, it only made matters complicado.

Miranda, driven to date, mate and annihilate, occasionally drops top and sticks her tongue in potential date’s ears. Problem is, it comes out the other ear.

All this happy stuff leads to a showdown between both alien chicks. This is done in the dark, which is incredibly annoying. Build to the big scene and then turn off the lights. Smooth move, Ex-Lax™. Uncle F*ck Up has to make things right and blows the place to confetti. He should’ve done that at the beginning of the flick, because the sex is G-rated, the boobs not nearly plentiful enough (although Miranda is a perfect 10 on any planet), and the premise about as believable as my last lie detector test.

Alien Jockeys, Bad Students, Pool Monsters

You’ll be visibly shaken to find out the fossilized, giant space alien in 1979’s Alien (one of the movie’s iconic scenes) was replicated as a scale model that measured slightly over 3’ x3’. That’s so emotionally crushing as all these years I though that thing was 100’ x100’. Next, someone will tell me there’s no such thing as Krampus. I don’t think I could handle that.

What’s more shocking is that the space jockey model, previously owned by 20th Century Fox Executive Peter Beale, was put up for grabs by Nate D. Sanders Autographs and Memorabilia Auction with a starting bid of $100,000 smackos. Here’s the sales pitch:

“Scarce model from the 1979 film Alien of the famed Space Jockey character aboard the Derelict Spaceship’, designed and hand-painted by H.R. Giger. One of the most recognizable scenes in sci-fi cinema, the haunting Space Jockey aka The Pilot, found dead aboard the alien spaceship, was conceived and designed by famed Swiss surrealist painter, sculptor and visual effects artist H.R. Giger, whose work on Alien won an Academy Award in 1980.”

The auction ended successfully with someone coughing up the mega space bucks for the model. I would’ve bid on it, but I left $100,000 around here somewhere. Probably stuck between couch cushions or in a pair of not-so-fresh britches I threw into a 3’ x 3’ pile of laundry that needs to be washed and/or salvaged by the Nostromo.

So yeah, denied. While you make plans to join me for a candlelight vigil, here are a few upcoming horror/sci-fi movies that may or may not cost $100,000 to rent…

GREY AGENDA (available now)
“When a group of friends go missing, the local police are shocked at the return of a mysterious stranger. While searching for their missing friends, they uncover a dark secret and the truth behind the ‘Grey Agenda’.”

Abducted by aliens or everyone just at the mall? While I have yet to be abducted by extraterrestrials, I have fallen prey to the black hole pull of the mall. Man, you could spend days in there and no one would even know.

CREEP 2 (available now)
“Sara is a video artist whose primary focus is creating intimacy with lonely men. After finding an ad online for ‘video work’ she thinks she may have found the subject of her dreams. She drives to a remote house in the forest and meets a man claiming to be a serial killer. Unable to resist the chance to create a truly shocking piece of art, she agrees to spend the day with him, but discovers she may have dug herself a hole from which she cannot escape.”

Didn’t see all of the original Creep (2014) movie. I got through the first 10 minutes and was distracted by the mall and felt a driving need to go there. I just couldn’t help myself. I’ll go back and watch it, but first I need to get down to the mall; Hot Topic™ is having a 2-for-1 sale on faux Goth products. Score!

DISMISSED (November 21, 2017/VOD)
“An idealistic, straight-laced English teacher is drawn down a nightmarish rabbit hole by an honor roll student who will stop at nothing to get an ‘A.’”

Is this even a horror movie? At least they got the title right.

NEREUS (2018)
“A young girl is attacked by an unearthly creature in her friend’s swimming pool. Later, she discovers that anyone who comes into contact with the water is in danger and she is driven to confront the mystical and malevolent creature lurking in the depths.”

Probable spoiler: The “unearthly creature” could be an unpackaged Baby Ruth™ candy bar, which looks a heckuva lot like a pool monster. Can’t think of anything else that would resemble the dark brown and peanut lumpy treat. Except maybe a Mountain Bar™.

Alien Anniversary

Fox Home Entertainment should be in the farming business as they’re experts at milking cash cows, i.e., Alien (1979), this time a re-re-re-release coming at you in a slick new art-y box packaged as a 35th Anniversary Edition with some re-purposed “extras” to get you to buy it again. (Goes on sale October 7, 2014. Price depends on which version you want. Warning – they have ‘em all.)

Dang. And now I’m about to buy into Alien again. (What the hell is wrong with me?) I bought the movie ticket. I bought the VHS. I bought the DVD. I bought the Blu-ray™. I bought the extended version w/deleted scenes. I bought the box set. I bought the limited edition Quadrilogy hi-def in-yer-Matrix box set. Crap, I could own my own Nostromo salvage vessel by now with all the money I’ve shelled out for this thing.

Here’s the other wallet-draining “jewels” you get with this version…

Special Features:

• Audio Commentary by Director Ridley Scott, Cast and Crew

• Audio Commentary by Ridley Scott (Theatrical Version Only)

• Introduction by Ridley Scott (Director’s Cut Only)

• Final Theatrical Isolated Score by Jerry Goldsmith

• Composers Original Isolated Score by Jerry Goldsmith

• Deleted and Extended Scenes

Collectibles:

• A reprint of the original Alien illustrated comic.

• All-new, collectible art cards as a tribute to the late H.R. Giger.

In case you forgot: “When the crew of the space-tug Nostromo responds to a distress signal from a barren planet, they discover a mysterious life form that breeds within human hosts. The acid-blooded extraterrestrial proves to be the ultimate adversary as crew members battle to stay alive and prevent the deadly creature from reaching Earth.”

I remember the first time I saw Alien in a movie theater. I didn’t blink once, even while shoveling fists full of hydrogenated oiled popcorn down my space yap. When the alien finally jumped out, I spontaneously, possibly willfully and symbolically crapped my pants. And this is why to this day I am not allowed back in the Admiral Theatre. (Not cool behavior for a teenager alledgedly house-broken since the sixth grade.)