Archive for guts

Another Baker’s Dozen Ghosts

Posted in Classic Horror, Evil, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Zombies with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 14, 2017 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Thir13en Ghosts

An evil rich uncle figured out a way to capture souls and store them in stay-fresh cubicles in his house, which is made of glass walls with Latin slogans on them to keep the pesky dead from touching his stuff.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts aren’t of the Casper variety — they’re the most gnarliest, f’d-up poltergeists on the planet, looking like they came from Marilyn Manson’s shiny pants.

Thir13en GhostsEach of these ghosts were chosen for their unique energy, which, when combined with a demonic machine and a spell from some spell book, will open the Eye of Hell, allowing the user to see behind the creation curtain. (I’ve seen it — just a bunch of boxes filled with last year’s Christmas decorations.)

Thir13en Ghosts

A family inherits the evil uncle’s house after said relative dies while trying to round up a ghost that doesn’t want to be rounded up. “This isn’t a house; it’s a machine made by the Devil and powered by the Dead,” remarks one ghost-hunter. An understatement — all the ghosts are contained in the basement, but the family screws around with the buttons in the Rubik’s Cube™ mansion and let the stinky wraiths out. Then it’s smack ass time.

Thir13en Ghosts

These ghosts make Hellraiser’s Cenobites look like cotton candy vendors at Disneyland™. Blood and guts decorate the stylish glass walls like Dutch Boy™ paint. Lots of swearing, tension, and a handful of flinchy moments that’ll have you tossing your popcorn before you eat it, thereby wasting it.Thir13en Ghosts

2001’s Thir13en Ghosts (a hardcore graphic re-imagining of 13 Ghosts/1960) is quite lean on suspense and backstory, though, which makes it hard to give the ghosts some love when you don’t really know anything about them. As for the evil uncle, it’s not explained why he’s so mean. No matter; It’s heartwarming to see such ultra-violence and brain goo.

Vampire Sequels, Family Ghosts, Social Media Killers

Posted in Evil, Fantasy, Ghosts, Science Fiction, Slashers, Vampires with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 3, 2016 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Stake Land II

Got some vampires, ghosts, tweener ghosts and slashers headed your way. Not real vampires, ghosts, tweener ghosts and slashers, mind you. Just movie ones. But keep an eye open, just in case.

STAKE LAND II (February 7, 2017 / digital, February 14 / DVD)
“Set several years after the events in Stake Land (2010), in which mankind must struggle to survive in the wake of a vampire apocalypse. When his home in New Eden is destroyed by a revitalized Brotherhood and its new Vamp leader, Martin finds himself alone in the badlands of America with only the distant memory of his mentor, the legendary vampire hunter Mister, to guide him. Roaming the wilderness of a steadily decaying country, Martin searches for the one man who can help him exact revenge.”

Revenge. Where would horror movies be without it? One of the best summations of revenge comes from City of Bones (2007) author Cassandra Clare’s first book in The Mortal Instruments series: “I don’t want tea,” said Clary, with muffled force. “I want to find my mother. And then I want to find out who took her in the first place, and I want to kill them.”

“Unfortunately,” said Hodge, “we’re all out of bitter revenge at the moment, so it’s either tea or nothing.”

Snap! I gotta use that line somewhere. Oh, wait — I just did.

SpectralSPECTRAL (December 9, 2016 / Netflix)
“When an otherworldly force wreaks havoc on a war-torn European city, an engineer teams up with an elite Special Ops unit to stop it.”

Now there’s a grand idea — get a bunch of Army guys to shoot guns at ghosts. Why not just whip out your AK-47 and unleash hell on Mr. Bubble™?

Wait Till Helen Comes

WAIT TILL HELEN COMES (out now / Lifetime, January 2017 / VOD)
“The story centers on a 12-year-old girl who’s the eldest of three children in a blended family that moves from Baltimore into a house converted from a church in the Maryland countryside. The tormented ghost of a little girl comes to haunt the 12-year-old, but forms an intimate, though dangerous, friendship with her seven-year-old stepsister.”

Warning: as this is airing on the Lifetime™ channel, it’s a family-friendly, watered down tale of the supernatural. Too bad; a little blood and guts never hurt anybody. Oh wait…

Slasher.com

SLASHER.COM (2017)
Slasher.com combines the time-honored tradition of young people facing unfathomable horrors in the wilderness with the every day horror of meeting people online, and puts a gruesome twist on the perils of modern dating.”

Slasher social media horror. Maybe they should rename it DeFacebook.com. Heh.

Loving The Monster

Posted in Classic Horror, Fantasy, Nature Gone Wild, Science Fiction with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 24, 2015 by Drinkin' & Drive-in

Spring

While romance has always been a motivating force in horror movies (start with Dracula/1931 and go from there), my personal feeling is that all that dreamy-eyed smoochy crap doesn’t belong anywhere near blood, guts and gore. And what is a horror movie without blood, guts and gore? A ROMANCE movie. Over generalizing here. But I’d rather see more Beast than Beauty, thus representing the way things work in the real world.

Spring

The reason I even bring it up is there’s this new (as of March 2015) horror-ish movie many with too much time on their hands are gushing about. The film is the daintily titled Spring, a love story about a guy falling in love with a chick who harbors a “monstrous, primordial secret that puts both their relationship and their lives in jeopardy.” OK, that part is cool. But hey, what woman doesn’t harbor a monstrous, primordial secret? Talk about your obvious oxymoron.

Spring

Spring has the endorsement of Drafthouse Films™, so it probably doesn’t suck as those guys are pretty dang good at what they represent. So here’s what the flip everybody’s tweeting over…

Spring is a lush piece of work about Evan, a young American fleeing to Europe to escape his past. While backpacking along the Italian coast, everything changes during a stop at an idyllic Italian village, where he meets and instantly connects with the enchanting and mysterious Louise. A flirtatious romance begins to bloom between the two. However, Evan soon realizes that Louise has been harboring a… (see first paragraph).”

The press release goes on to say that Louise’s other forms are “something else altogether, and their origins are beautiful. Much of the film finds beauty in the monstrous and otherworldly.”

Pan's Labyrinth

So if otherworldly love floats yer boat, seek out this movie. If you need a primer, I recommend the jaw-dropping horror fantasy Pan’s Labyrinth (2006), while full of otherworldly monsters that hug you (one, anyway) and panoramic beauty, isn’t waterlogged with smooching, the talking of smooching or the exchanging of bodily fluids that are anything but red. Red’s a romantic color.

I can’t believe I just said that.